I have been married for almost three years, and though it may not seem like a long time I feel like everything that could happen has happened with my marriage. I love my husband so very much, but things have just turned for the worst. His family is extremely abusive and manipulative. I used to work for his mom and dad and I constantly was told that I was a stupid little and my husband only loved me for sex. I tried so hard for so long to work things out but eventually I gave up with his family. Even though we live next door to them and my husband still works with them I have refused to talk to them anymore. They used to say cruel things about my family and they are just rotten people to everyone they meet. Its been a serious strain in our relationship but I still try to be strong. My husband also has a horrible temper. Some domestic stuff did occur but I try to forget about it because its painful and I guess I just hope that one day things will be better. Its hard to explain, but he can be the most wonderful sweet person, then the next minute he knows exactly what to do and say to make me cry. Whenever my family comes to visit is usually when the arguments start. He will be sweet and wonderful, but then the next few days he starts avoiding me and my family and it hurts so bad. I just want to know that no matter what I have someone by my side who brings out the best in me, but I don't feel like that with him anymore. I want things to work but he just seems like he does not care. I threaten to leave and he just tells me... "whatever I don't care". But I never leave and eventually throughout the day he will come up and say something like "I am sorry you just make me mad" (even though I did nothing wrong). I am just at the point that I don't know what to do. I have been by his side through thick and thin and I know marriage is not supposed to be easy, but I feel like I am so alone with him. I just want to love someone and feel love back. What should I do? Is this normal? Why do I feel like I can't tell anyone I know about this?

I think you feel like you can't tell anyone is that you recognize this as an abusive relationship.
You really should talk to someone about this. Do you have family. A close trusted friend?
Is there children involved as well?

No it's not all in your head. You've tried so hard for a long time to love your husband unconditionally and forgive him and his family for their flaws, but it's just not working any more is it? Reality is seeping through into your consciousness.

You husband's family is clearly abusive and dysfunctional. They live next door, and your husband still works with them. What do you expect? All that negative energy simmering away just waiting to boil over every time you're not the perfect wife.

I don't know if this man is capable of giving you the love you desire. I suspect that he may only change if he is away from his family - working elsewhere and living elsewhere. Marriages can survive abuse, but only if the abusive partner is willing to look at themselves with a strong desire to change. Would he be willing to do this?

The first thing that I would suggest is that you speak to someone - a counsellor or your doctor. Your situation is unhealthy and toxic, and it will only continue to get worse. Go to counselling and then you can consider what you want to do from a position of strength, rather than from one of sadness and despair.

I am wondering what you do to help yourself. Do you work at another job now? Do you have friends that you can see?

Have you considered a separation, so you can breathe a little easier and figure out what to do? Have you contacted Social Services to see about emergency shelter and counselling to help you find a place of your own, or Welfare questions, etc.

You are quite able to identify the serious problems going on in your marriage, and in your relationship with your in-laws, and hopefully you have thought from time to time, what you need to do to change your environment and circumstances.

From a safe distance you can also try to negotiate changes with your husband, such as moving to a different location, perhaps even getting a different job, etc. The 'domestic stuff'- do you mean physical abuse?

If it is possible to move in with your parents even, for a period, to help you figure out what you want to do.

I cannot see that, until you make some changes yourself, that you can expect anybody else to make them for you.

No kids are involved and I am so financial dependent on him through loans that are in both of our names. When I did threaten to leave he used to tell me that he would make me pay for everything... and I can't do that. I am currently attending nursing school and I have about a year left. Other than that I have no real income besides my wait job of 20 hours a week. My family is wonderful but they live over three hours away so if I ever did decide to leave I would have to uproot myself and quit school which is just not an option for me. So I am just trapped. As far as my husband he has changed a lot throughout the years. He knows he is wrong in a lot of what he does it just takes a while for him to admit it. He also says that through meeting me and seeing how my family interacts he realizes how abusive his is, he even stood up for me when things went down hill with hisfamily. Its been a while since anything has happened domestically. He has really tried to change and admits that its important to get away from his family. Once I graduate he wants us to move away and he wants to go back to school. He tells me all the time he just wants to forget they even exist. I guess sometimes I just feel like he regrets marrying me because of all the consequences. I really love him its just hard. I don't want to leave I just need more affection and I need him to tell me he cares. I am just so tired of having to deal with negative attitutdes about everything. He is not the only one suffering so I don't know why he acts as if he is. I really think if our relationship is going to work I need him to agree to go to counceling and participate. We have been through some hard times and the only way its going to get better is if we work at it "together". Maybe I just need to give him the choice to either go and have me, or not go and I leave. I will figure out some way to make things work financially for me. Its weird, today we are not fighting and he wants to take me to dinner, but I know that a week down the road its back to square one, his negative attitudes, the unwillingness to communicate and complete loneliness.

I don't think that you are as trapped as you believe. It's just that looking at all your circumstances, you feel hopeless. The first thing is, that your husband has to be willing to make changes. You can't keep living with such negativity - and it's in his best interests also to make an effort for your marriage.

Take it one step at a time - is he willing to see a counselor?
Could you, if the situation required it, transfer to another nursing school closer to your family? Why can't you both move away now? Are you able to consolidate your debts? (If you decide to leave and the loans are in both names, then you will only have to pay out your share - not the entire amount.) There are always choices - it's just that some of them are difficult.

It's all very well to say that you love him, but is it worth loving someone that makes you so very unhappy?

This same thing sort of happened with me, *besides the abusive part, that right there would've made me leave immediately* but anyhow, it seems as though what is going on with you is pretty much similar except I was the person who decided not to sit around and waste anymore of my time. Obviously you love him and you can't imagine living without him. Even though you sometimes wonder what it would be like, but then back right out of the mere thought! Like oh no, I can't do that to him, but then again think of how it may make your life better and his if you both move on! You'd be surprised how much happier you can be and less worried about everything and stressed when you just call it off and say screw it I've done all I could do here, and it's done! It's just about coming to the truth, the harsh reality is setting in, finally after all this time. You should consider leaving FOR GOOD!

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Originally Posted by nicoletnc

No kids are involved and I am so financial dependent on him through loans that are in both of our names. When I did threaten to leave he used to tell me that he would make me pay for everything....and I can't do that. I am currently attending nursing school and I have about a year left. Other than that I have no real income besides my wait job of 20 hours a week. My family is wonderful but they live over three hours away so if I ever did decide to leave I would have to uproot myself and quit school which is just not an option for me. So I am just trapped. As far as my husband he has changed a lot throughout the years. He knows he is wrong in a lot of what he does it just takes a while for him to admit it. He also says that through meeting me and seeing how my family interacts he realizes how abusive his is, he even stood up for me when things went down hill with hisfamily. Its been a while since anything has happened domestically. He has really tried to change and admits that its important to get away from his family. Once I graduate he wants us to move away and he wants to go back to school. He tells me all the time he just wants to forget they even exist. I guess sometimes I just feel like he regrets marrying me because of all the consequences. I really love him its just hard. I don't want to leave I just need more affection and I need him to tell me he cares. I am just so tired of having to deal with negative attitutdes about everything. He is not the only one suffering so I don't know why he acts as if he is. I really think if our relationship is going to work I need him to agree to go to counceling and participate. We have been through some hard times and the only way its going to get better is if we work at it "together". Maybe I just need to give him the choice to either go and have me, or not go and I leave. I will figure out some way to make things work financially for me. Its weird, today we are not fighting and he wants to take me to dinner, but I know that a week down the road its back to square one, his negative attitudes, the unwillingness to communicate and complete loneliness.

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ONCE AGAIN.. just like me, always making up excuses for him, or excuses to stay with him. Sorry, you don't need him. You seem to care about him and his feelings and what he wants, but does he care about you and what you want? Ok , he makes more money than you? So what? Seems to me like you are only staying with him because of the money and the Nursing School, and maybe you feel bad for him? I'm not sure, but I think with all of the differences and all of the issues, after complete school, get rid of him! He doesn't seem right for you what so ever. As for the loans... you will NOT have to pay his portion back.. so next time he threatens you with that, tell him to off! :)

Ok, it bleeped out my F word... so tell him to screw off!