I am a 24 years old woman who is still studying in graduated school. I have been dating over 1 half years with a married man who has opan-relationship. At beginning I was dating with him because I was pretty curious about his relationship and I had opan-mind to this, also because I was a foreign student in North American and I was lonely. After we dated for a few months, I found I found I was falling love with him and even felt I couldn’t live without him. I didn’t want breakup with his marrige and didn’t want to hurt his wife. I hanged out with his wife for 2 or 3 times and we got along pretty well. But unfortunately even I liked his wife, I couldn’t stop to jealous her and felf awfully misery. I got badly sleep disorder and couldn’t keep myslf calm when I was in my apartment by myself.

After few months suffering, I decided I need to move on so I applied a 5 months exchange to a German university and tried to forget this guy. In the time of in Germany, I tried to think about positive things and made new friends, I indeed got my happy time in Germany. But after I came back, the same thing came again. The guy called me and Emailed and then I met him again. I hate what was happened because I slept with him after we met. Then the misery came back. I tried to date with another guy, a very honest and good-looking guy. I hope I could stop the relationship with the married guy from dating with another one, but then I failed. I cheated on the guy who was really loving me and still slept with the married guy. I could’t forgive myself, so eventually I told the guy and then broke up with him.

Now I am still dating with the guy who has opan-relationship and 2 weeks ago he told he is planning to have baby with his wife in this year. I told him I should break up with him because I couldn’t date with a kid’s father, that makes me feel guilty. But he told me that he dosen’t want to lose me and I am very important to him. He said he think he can handdle our relationship well even he will have kid. Also, he told me if it was really my choice to break up with him and I will feel happy,then he will respect my decision even he will need long-time to heal the hurt that I leave him. For few days struggle, I said I hope I could be friends with him. But after we met, we slept with each other again. He mentioned that he had the best sex with me in his experience with other of his dates before and he said he almost has not sex with his wife, just once a month. He said I am amazing and make him extremely happy.
For my part, my sleep disoder continue after I come back from Germany and it becomes worser, I began to have nightmare and sometimes crying in my dream. I always told myself to be a strong woman and I need to move on. But if few days I couldn’t meet him, I would crazyly miss him and couldn’t control myself. I am an attractive woman to guys and always have guys in my class asked me to hang out and was interested in me. I don’t know why I pushed myself to such misery and hateful situation. Please help me and give me some suggestion because I know if it last long,I will suffer more serious spychology problem!

Sincerely hope to get your advise!

The only way to get over this and move on is going no contact,what so ever.

This is a destructive relationship,while it might be working OK for them it is toxic to you.

Do yourself a favour and move on from this..

You know yourself what to do-stop seeing this cheater. Tell him it's over and then go no contact.

Heal from the breakup and start loving,liking and respecting yourself again.

I think you would do far better with a man you don't have to share.

While you started thinking that his 'open relationship' was interesting, you've since found out that you fell in love with him, and that was not part of the plan. You knew from the start that he was married, that he would never leave his wife for you, and you were simply for casual sex. That has not changed.

He wants what he wants, with you, and other women, and he continues to get it. Why you keep continuing to give it is beyond me. There is no hope that he will leave his wife, give up all his open relationships, and stay with just one woman.

He can't be faulted, nor his wife, for the lifestyle they choose to live. I can't pass judgment on that, and neither can you. They aren't cheating without consent of each other. The only one cheating here is you- cheating yourself.

You could have a relationship that you are more comfortable with. A single man, not interested in sleeping around. For the long term gain of stopping this relationship, you could regain yourself and your dignity and put your values back where they belong. Your health will improve, your future will be a lot more stable, and you will not be sitting waiting for him, while he is off with yet another woman, or home with his wife. Soon he'll be home with his wife changing diapers too. You are quite far down the pecking order, and you are allowing yourself to settle for this when you can do much, much better.

He is not in love with you. He likes you for sex. How can you think you could possibly build a healthy relationship with this man.

While it will be hard to let him go it will be worth it in the end. Right now you are thinking about your options, and I hope the answers you get here will convince you to get him out of your life, and you will choose a single man, with no other attachments.

You need to break off all contact with this married man.

Even if you were to have any chance of being in a relationship with him at all, what makes you think he'll ever be faithful to you if he can cheat on his wife like this.

This man is selfish. Leave him and stop all contact with him at all costs.

Save yourself.

I'm sure you are a beautiful person, and you don't need this person to be bringing you down.

There are plenty of men out there who would actually care for you and love you for who you are as a person.

Look at yourself first before you do. Know what you have done.
Don't be part of the reason for a broken home.

I hope you stay strong. I hope you find belief in yourself.

Yes, I agree that " I are cheating myself......I have tried to leave him for many times and I should be stronger"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I think you would do far better with a man you don't have to share.

While you started out thinking that his 'open relationship' was interesting, you've since found out that you fell in love with him, and that was not part of the plan. You knew from the start that he was married, that he would never leave his wife for you, and you were simply for casual sex. That has not changed.

He wants what he wants, with you, and other women, and he continues to get it. Why you keep continuing to give it is beyond me. There is no hope that he will leave his wife, give up all his open relationships, and stay with just one woman.

He can't be faulted, nor his wife, for the lifestyle they choose to live. I can't pass judgment on that, and neither can you. They aren't cheating without consent of eachother. The only one cheating here is you- cheating yourself.

You could have a relationship that you are more comfortable with. A single man, not interested in sleeping around. For the long term gain of stopping this relationship, you could regain yourself and your dignity and put your values back where they belong. Your health will improve, your future will be a lot more stable, and you will not be sitting waiting for him, while he is off with yet another woman, or home with his wife. Soon he'll be home with his wife changing diapers too. You are quite far down the pecking order, and you are allowing yourself to settle for this when you can do much, much better.

He is not in love with you. He likes you for sex. How can you think you could possibly build a healthy relationship with this man.

While it will be hard to let him go it will be worth it in the end. Right now you are thinking about your options, and I hope the answers you get here will convince you to get him out of your life, and you will choose a single man, with no other attachments.

---

Yes，feel that I've almost lost myself and need time to heal

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by darkamenity

You need to break off all contact with this married man.

Even if you were to have any chance of being in a relationship with him at all, what makes you think he'll ever be faithful to you if he can cheat on his wife like this.

This man is selfish. Leave him and stop all contact with him at all costs.

Save yourself.

I'm sure you are a beautiful person, and you don't need this person to be bringing you down.

There are plenty of men out there who would actually care for you and love you for who you are as a person.

Look at yourself first before you do. Know what you have done.
Don't be part of the reason for a broken home.

I hope you stay strong. I hope you find belief in yourself.

---

Find the strength to walk away and not look back.
Find yourself again.
Good luck.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by amicon

You know yourself what to do-stop seeing this cheater. Tell him it's over and then go no contact.

Heal from the breakup and start loving,liking and respecting yourself again.

---

I don't want to say his is a cheater, I think he was honestly to tell me the truth(maybe,at least I had communication with his wife before). But I need the courage to cut off all contact with him.

Thanls for your guys' answers, it is really and tough period to me and I really need the courage to leave him. It is very hard to me,but I know I should. Before he said he has ended all his relationships with other women and I would be the only one he date besides his wife, but I know that was lying. Because someday accidentally he told acctually he slept with one of women once 2 months ago.
He is like a toxic in my life, and I even don't know why I messed my life to this extreme. I was used to have my proud as any others girls.

Had my pride and dignity as any other young girls,but after met this guy, sometimes I felt I like a old woman inside.

He's probably telling you that he's cut all other relationships with other women except you and his wife, to keep you longer. And, he's probably telling all the other women he's cut out all other women too. That is a line you have also learned is a lie. He is using you. That's all he's doing.

There is no relationship with this man. Except for sex. You, and others. Then he goes home to his soon to be pregnant wife.

It may be hard for you to decide to end this, but really, if you were honest with yourself, don't you think that it is obvious? That you find him attractive, is much like a moth to a flame. You know you shouldn't, but you keep flying toward the flame, and get burned every time.

Let him go. As he said to you, do what you need to do. Eventually the feelings will pass, and you'll realize that you really settled for such a small piece of the pie. Find a single man, be happy. Time to put feelings aside- you can cry later- and get on with your life.

You are wasting your life with this man.

I hope that you are using protection, and he has been using protection. And if you need help in understanding why you need to move on with your life without him, please go and see a counsellor to help you find the self esteem you need to do it.

This guy is a massive manipulator - the wife and girlfriend meet, "hang out?" with his consent and approval? He's a sadist.

Move on.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jake2008

He's probably telling you that he's cut all other relationships with other women except you and his wife, to keep you longer. And, he's probably telling all the other women he's cut out all other women too. That is a line you have also learned is a lie. He is using you. That's all he's doing.

There is no relationship with this man. Except for sex. You, and others. Then he goes home to his soon to be pregnant wife.

It may be hard for you to decide to end this, but really, if you were honest with yourself, don't you think that it is obvious? That you find him attractive, is much like a moth to a flame. You know you shouldn't, but you keep flying toward the flame, and get burned every time.

Let him go. As he said to you, do what you need to do. Eventually the feelings will pass, and you'll realize that you really settled for such a small piece of the pie. Find a single man, be happy. Time to put feelings aside- you can cry later- and get on with your life.

You are wasting your life with this man.

I hope that you are using protection, and he has been using protection. And if you need help in understanding why you need to move on with your life without him, please go and see a counsellor to help you find the self esteem you need to do it.

---

Thank you for all your suggestions,and I am really appreciate them. In fact I have began to cut off all of my connections with this guy, spent more time with friends and considered to find a consellor. Hope few months later I can become healthy as I was and find myself again.

You will become healthy, and you will find yourself again. I think by the time you get to that place, you will wonder what the he** you were thinking!

We all get ourselves into messes, you just can't bypass it during a lifetime. Don't be too hard on yourself for making this collossal mistake.

This is the time you need to lean on friends, and you are lucky to have them to lean on.

How do you think you are going to handle him, the next time he calls or contacts you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jake2008

You will become healthy, and you will find yourself again. I think by the time you get to that place, you will wonder what the he** you were thinking!!

We all get ourselves into messes, you just can't bypass it during a lifetime. Don't be too hard on yourself for making this collossal mistake.

This is the time you need to lean on friends, and you are lucky to have them to lean on.

How do you think you are going to handle him, the next time he calls or contacts you.

---

That was what I was wondering. It is not the first time I tried to cut off our connection. Before I tried,but it was ruined when he called me said how important I am to him. He even couraged me to find a boyfriend and think I should tell the my boyfriend that I am dating with him, the married guy. If my future boyfriend could accept to let me have casual sex with him, he will be happy. But if my boyfriend can't endure, I can be friends with him(the married man). I know it sounds I like a doormat in this relationship,and I was. To this situation, I need to pay my responsibilities because I was afraid of losing him and for that reason, I went to Germany.

It is the time to end everything. I need fresh air and enjoy the spring coming.

I fell in love in him also because over one year ago, my best friend did suicide. She jumped from a high building and never come back. That was almost crushed me and I spent long time to renew. That tough period was the married guy accompanied me to go through. That also was a big reason made me to depend him and completely fell in love to him even then he brought big sorrow to me again.

I am very sorry about your friend. I too lost a lifelong friend, and it turns your life upside down, for a long time.

That being said, you are misinterpreting his 'comfort' toward you. He realized that the more affection and the deeper the bond YOU felt toward him, would strengthen his ability to keep this relationship going.

Why else would he do it. Why would he help you through such a tragic event if there wasn't something in it for him. If you had told him you were going to Iceland for three months to help you get over the death of your friend, he would have said, "fine, hope to see you when you get back".

But, as long as he has you there, and can pretend to care, even a little, you take those crumbs of affection, and turn it into falling in love. Do you see that he just used you?

There is nothing he does that doesn't put his needs first. It doesn't matter if you have a flock of geese s**t on your head, he'll still want to hop in the sack. That is all he wants.

You cannot rely on this man, to have a relationship of any description, other than what he has told you it is going to be. He was honest about that, and yet you still expect more.

This is not love by the way. It is needing a man for all the wrong reasons.

He probably 'loves' his wife, and is looking forward to having a baby this year. That is what his life is going to be.

Let him go, tell him to line up somebody else, you need, and deserve more in a relationship, and he is just not it.

I feel really cynical about this married guy with an open relationship - I feel like he's a predator. He knew exactly what sort of person to choose - vulnerable, lonely and new in town. He knew exactly how to keep reeling you in each time you tried to 'stray' too far.

He wants a bit on the side because his marriage is not enough. The sad thing is, you'll easily be replaced. There are always other vulnerable women waiting in the wings.

At least now you can cut yourself free. Go to counselling and get an understanding about why you allowed yourself to be sucked in by this predatory guy.

And, be thankful that you're not his wife. She's the one I really feel for.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I am very sorry about your friend. I too lost a lifelong friend, and it turns your life upside down, for a long time.

That being said, you are misinterpreting his 'comfort' toward you. He realized that the more affection and the deeper the bond YOU felt toward him, would strengthen his ability to keep this relationship going.

Why else would he do it. Why would he help you through such a tragic event if there wasn't something in it for him. If you had told him you were going to Iceland for three months to help you get over the death of your friend, he would have said, "fine, hope to see you when you get back".

But, as long as he has you there, and can pretend to care, even a little, you take those crumbs of affection, and turn it into falling in love. Do you see that he just used you?

There is nothing he does that doesn't put his needs first. It doesn't matter if you have a flock of geese s**t on your head, he'll still want to hop in the sack. That is all he wants.

You cannot rely on this man, to have a relationship of any description, other than what he has told you it is going to be. He was honest about that, and yet you still expect more.

This is not love by the way. It is needing a man for all the wrong reasons.

He probably 'loves' his wife, and is looking forward to having a baby this year. That is what his life is going to be.

Let him go, tell him to line up somebody else, you need, and deserve more in a relationship, and he is just not it.

---

After two nights's crying in home, I called him tonight and we had talked. He said he never known such big misery he brought to me. He said he loved me but the love was not what I want. He said he dosen't want to lose me but he will let me go and won't contact with me anymorebecause he doesn't want me to be hurted by him anymore. He said I am special to him and he won't forget me forever. After the calling, I deleted his cellphone number,his Email, his MSN, and everything I can contact with him. Then suddenly, I feel relaxing. I know tomorrow morning when I get up, I will still feel pain. But I am happy I began to step out. I won't blam him or hate him because it was what I was choosing, what I was suffering. I need to be happy, be proud, be self-precious... Hope next time I can give good news to all your guys who helped me to go through this, I appreciate it a lot.