Let me start with the start, I'm usually not the kind of guy who turn to the internet when not knowing what to do. But this is getting dangerous for my health and I can't talk to friends about it.
So here is the deal.
I am in love with a girl and she loves mee too. We're crazy about each other. We are together for over a year now, only problem.. She still has the boyfriend.
Now most of you will think what a slut etc etc. But its far more complex.
So she's with that guy for 5 years now. He saved her from a crazy homesituation and she was going wrong. Drugs etc. He saved her. Now she's still in love with him and he loves her. She tells me she needs him to be herself that without him she loses herself. He is what keeps her up in her life. Now I could live with that for a year but now its getting toomuch. I can't handle it. I want her for me alone. So we end up in a fight very often. I told her she had to leave him. She says she can't because she loses herself and she loves him. I tell her (with tears in my eyes) that we should stop then, then she cries and says she doesn't want to lose me. I told her I cannot be friends if she chooses for him. That I will have to put her out of my life, there she says she couldn't di that. She says she'll allways love me that I am one out of a million for her. I know she's telling the truth and not saying it just to keep me as her dog. Now recently I've opened myself to other women, not even dating just talking. And that's where she gets jalous as hell!
So today I am ina situation where I want her to leave him for me, she cant. I don't want to give her up and she doest want to give me up. Ive lost nearly 10 kilos this month due to this and I can't talk to anyone about it because we have same friends.
I don't know if I should ignore her, be supersweet or what ever.
Somebody tell me what to do and how to act, please.
I am 22 I love her so much.

Leave her.
Not only is she cheating on her boyfriend,she is in fact stringing you along as a puppy,and you need to man up and walk away from this toxic mess.
Make yourself the priority in your life,not somebody who is using you to boost their ego.
This is not love-she is playing you.

If I leave her. Ill be miserable. I see her every day. Im the sweet guy kind so I give her lots of affection. How should I act towards her. If I'm cold, she will notice and ask me what's wrong..

Seriously, I've been through this mess in my early years.
Even if you get her to leave this guy you will never feel that you can trust her ever. You're being strung along and played because you're not used to the overwhelming emotions and attraction. She is having her cake and eating it. She knows you're the sweet guy, nice guy, that's how she can play you like a fool. If you were a jerk and a bad boy she would leave her "daddy". Right now she is wishing she could meld you two guys into one, but if given the ultimate choice you will always be second best. She will be jealous if you talk with other women but she will hide all the men she's talking to and probably sleeping with from you.

Want to be second best ?

Drop her like a turd and date more women in front of her face.
Keep going, don't stop and don't cry like a baby. Women like men,
Don't ever, ever cry in-front of your woman.

If you keep going with this relationship prepare for great pain.
You will be ripped into pieces and shattered like amicon said,
This isn't love and is toxic.

You should be happy, not losing the kilos!
Major, major warning...
She's a man eater, jump the ship now before it hits the ice.

I feel like I'm writing to my past me in hopes the younger me will get this letter. You have extreme infatuation and the sex is excellent.
But you will get burnt. Leave Now!

You called this one out yourself "impossible situation"!
Bail out, tell her you are taking a break from the relationship.
Date other girls now man, do it! Trust me I am you from the future!

So up to you what you want to do.
Ride the roller coaster of insanity ?
If you do chose to continue I will not warn you of what is going to happen next. It's better you do not know.
It's your choice. You have been advised to bail out now!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Donnowhattodo

If i leave her. Ill be miserable. I see her every day. Im the sweet guy kind so i give her lots of affection. How should i act towards her. If im cold, she will notice and ask me whats wrong..

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If you refuse to leave her,you have no one to blame but yourself for the misery you are in.

She is using you and all she has to do is throw you a bone every now and again to keep you in her clutches.

That is not the way you treat someone you profess to love.

You should be more than cold,you should be absent and end this farce and have no contact with her.

She is getting the best of both worlds and she is using two men and so she will say anything to keep that going.It is all about her selfish needs.

Its not love,it is manipulation and emotional abuse.
If she wanted to leave him she would.

Get a life and a real relationship where you are respected and don't have to think about her making love to another man every night.

No one in their right mind should put them self through that abuse.
Honor yourself !

Yes, you will be miserable, for a little while. But if you wait around for her to leave her boyfriend, you will be miserable for a lot longer

No, I don't think "What a slut", but I do think that she has no business looking at you, telling you that she loves you, when she is involved with someone else.

My Mom has always told me that "People do what they want to do." Period. If she wanted to break up with her boyfriend enough, she would. End of story.

She is in a relationship. She is not available. You need to stop fixating on her and focus on getting your health back in order. It is a mental choice. Only you can make it.

I told her today we should break up.
She cried but said it woul indeed be better for both of us.
I miss her already now.
I don't IM, sms or call her.
Good?

Thanks for all your answers.

Very good, it's a very good start. Read the threads at the top of this forum they are perfect for starting NC

Yes you made the right decision-for you and your life.
Work on healing now and keep busy.
Good luck.

Simple fact

She can't love you
And still have a boyfriend.

End of story

You are doing the right thing by leaving her

Good luck my friend

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Donnowhattodo

I told her today we should break up.
She cried but said it woul indeed be better for both of us.
I miss her already now.
I don't IM, sms or call her.
Good?

Thanks for all your answers.

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Good for you.

As much as it hurts right now,it does get better.

You have taken the first step to getting your life back and you will find lots of support on this site to make it easier on you

There are tools to help you get from miserable to living life again.

With the right attitude and determination,you can feel feel better real soon.Be strong ! :)

As hard as it is you have made the right decision. Be careful as you will have moments where you feel like you're starting to heal all over again. Think 'blip', you haven't lost your goal, you just had a weak moment. Can't be avoided. Eventually, that too, will pass.

Try not to rush into another relationship before you are completely over this one. Be strong on your own two feet, and know what you are looking for in a partner. Above all, skip women who are already in relationships, no matter if you come across one who says she is miserable and plans on breaking up.

Single women only. Keep your head up. Each day you will be stronger.

Best of luck.

Great job, of being mature enough to accept the advice that was given and take action. I wish you the best of luck and don't worry things to get better. It is a difficult situation that you handled well and will be able to reflect on

Aside from all the cheating and ethical issues...

Break ups are always tough in the beginning. I know that you want to avoid hurting each other, but you need to think about the long run. If she won't ever leave him, then you're always going to be stuck in the sidelines, how's that fair to you?

Both of you will eventually recover and be better and stronger for this. Stay positive!

Just one practical issue,
I see her every day and we have the same friends.
I really don't know how to act towards her.
For now I'm just avoiding her.

Another point, maybe cruel of mine. But I want her to regret what she did, I want her to think every day "what have I lost!"

Besides that, it was her birthday last month, but as we had exams I didn't have time to give her her present. Which I have here at home (earrings).

Thank you so much for your support

Keep avoiding her and put those earrings away or give them to somebody else if you can't take them back to the shop.

I wouldn't waste my time hoping she'll feel bad-concentrate on you now-get your life back on track and be happy again.

And she asks to be friends..

That's one request you should definitely IGNORE.

Sometimes you just have to be flexible and prepare your thinking to accommodate the situation. It isn't going to be easy seeing her, and having mutual friends.

I would say be friendly, and cordial, but don't be friends. Don't think about 'how' to act around her, just put another face on her- say your toughest professor, male, 350 lbs. in a pink bikini. You can make her anything (or anyone) you want when you have to face her, just don't make her your girlfriend. It will get easier with time. You can add horns, forked tongue, snakes for hair, etc.

If you look at her as someone you once knew, who is now in a different role, and truly believe that, then the feelings will fade, and eventually you will care less when she is around. I wouldn't let her prevent you from having all the fun you can with your friends. Life is short to be stopped for reasons that you CAN control!!

I would return the earrings as well, give them to your mother, or tuck them away for the next girlfriend. Really, if you're thinking about giving them to her, the gift is meaningless, but a dangerous precedent right?