Well to start, My name is Russel.
I'm, out of high school, have a decent job and have plans for the future.

A few days ago, My girlfriend Hayley, who I had been dated on and off for nearly 6 years, walked up to me and flat out accused me of cheating, and walked away before I could reply with anything.

I spelt a few hours after the incident, being the annoying worried boyfriend, trying to call her and talk about things, She kept ignoring the calls, I left a thousand messages, and well we haven't really spoken in a few days,

I understood that she must be heart broken, but I would've really liked to hear what made her jump to that conclusion, you know? Try and tell my side of the story.

Yesterday I found out that a girl I used to know, ( and really pissed off ) had told hayley that I had been cheating on her, at a party I hosted a few weeks ago. A party that I invited Hayley too. Hayley never showed up, and well Girl B ( No name ) ended up trying things with a friend of mine. Later that night I guess Girl B had phoned Kelsey and while having the Drunken phonecall had asked my friend of mine to stop kissing her and go back to bed. I assume, Kelsey thought that Girl B had in fact asked me.

I was going to deliver flowers to Hayley's house today, and Well I don't have a car, never really needed one, and on the walk there, a really good Buddy of mine caught up to me. I guess he saw the flowers in my hand, and figured that they were for Hayley.

He said this,

"When you start accusing people of things they didn't do then you should be mature enough to sit down and talk it out. If you don't then maybe you have the problem!"

He asked me to give him the flowers, and to maybe spend some time with him, and try and feel better, I did. I haven't tried to contact her since then.

Like I said before, I understand that she must really be hurt, and I guess in a way I feel kind of destroyed too? I mean I love her, She's a huge part of my life. But I just really want the chance to explain my story, I have an Alibi, that she refuses to listen too, ( my friend that slept with Girl B. )

And I have friends and Family telling me to just get over it and give up, find someone new, but that really isn't what I want. Part of the reason I love Hayley is because no matter what we went through together, or alone, she always insisted that I should do what made me happy, no matter how it affected her.

I want to fix things, and not being able to talk to her is driving me insane, especially knowing what she thinks of me.

The thing that hurts the most, as that after 6 rough, bloody years, that I wouldn't trade for the world. She told me she "Trusted me" and this is just so beyond that.

I just want some advice on what I should, or could do to maybe make this incident a little bit better for her, and maybe me?

Any feedback would be amazing. Thanks!

Your friend is right.
The flowers are a nice gesture but could very well look like an admission of guilt and you don't want that

Talk to her or have a friend talk to her but you need to be able to communicate in order for you put this misunderstanding to rest.

When you are innocent ,the truth will set you free.
Tell her the truth.

Write a very small letter, just a little note and mail it.
____________________________________________
Hi, It has been a little difficult to contact you,
But I just wanted to say 3 things.

1. "I never cheated / slept with anyone"
2. "If you want to break-up anyway, I'm fine with that.
3. "I've decided I need a break

That's it, that's all I have to say.

Russel355ml
____________________________________________

Then go N/C hard for 90 days and cross each day off in the calender so you don't break N/C.
If she attempts to contact you continue to ignore until you have crossed off the 90 days on the calendar.
If you are forced to talk, i.e. "she physically comes to you"
Just say "I don't want to talk about relationships I'm taking a break"
Keep going for the 90 days. Don't let her know anything, don't communicate. Let her boil, because she shouldn't be jumping to conclusions , she should be confronting you and letting you explain, not shutting you out.

It sounds like she may be testing you or she has been waiting for an excuse to break. So you swing it the other way man.

Sorry to say but that's how you play.

If you try to do the flower thing and say I didn't cheat you will look bad "admission of guilt" perhaps etc like artlady said.

But if you tell her "I didn't cheat" and by the way, I've decided to take a break from this relationship."
This will take her by surprise. You are declaring I didn't cheat and by the way I don't need you. I'd like you in my life, maybe, but I don't need you.

Let her boil man, let her know you mean business or this pattern will continue with her.

Like I said. Work it out after the 90 days are up, if you want to by then. Emotions run wild and rampant. Let it chill.

I just wanted to say I missed the part where you said
"I had been dating her on and off for nearly 6 years"

The relationship could also be running it's toll if it's been 6 years "on" and "off". I'd take a break anyway.

I agree with Sparks to send her a letter. Hand written would be nice.

Tell her exactly what he said.

"Hi, It has been a little difficult to contact you,
But I just wanted to say 3 things.

1. "I never cheated / slept with anyone"
2. "If you want to break-up anyway, I'm fine with that.
3. "I've decided I need a break

That's it, that's all I have to say.

Russel355ml"

This accomplishes a lot. First, you put yourself on even footing, and put the ball back in her court. Second, it shows that you are not going to grovel over being forgiven for something you didn't do. Third- you aren't going to allow anybody to treat you with such disregard and disrespect.

Her extreme reaction to a rumour first, and you second, sounds suspicious in itself- perhaps she's done something herself?

I don't know that I would do N/C for 90 days, that is a long time. But, I would make her wait for you to take a break. Even a few weeks. Just enough to get the message across that she needs to make a sincere effort to answer for her lack of trust, for her rude and unnecessary behaviour, and her trashing your feelings with a steam roller. That's just plain mean!!

Stand your ground, and be very sure that she is remorseful before even considering to get back together.

Why on and off?
Is this some sort of pattern repeating itself?

That's why I recommended a good hard 90 days. ( not a few weeks)
It's a 6 year relationship. There's a lot of dead wood to burn.
It would give you both some time to think what you both want from the relationship.
It will also take you that long to get completely away from emotion mode
So you can go back to logic mode.

Like amicon said, it would seem there are some repeating patterns and this may be another one of them.

Do the hard 90. You will both know if you really want each other after that.

I guess I'm the minority here, if someone is going to think that less of me, to come up to me and accuse me of cheating, then walk away without so much as listening to me. Then ignoring my phone calls, it really shows what they think of my morals and character. I wouldn't try to work things out, it's not worth it to be with someone who can just say "you cheated on me" and walk away without saying a word or listening to me.

I appreciate everything that has been written above. I really didn't expect to have responses so quickly. I'll try to 90 days, Thank you all so Much.

Amd Romefalls19, your not really a minority. That's pretty much what all my friends and Family Said.

Personally I would do what Rome suggests-that's me though-you must make your own decision.

I am a HUGE one for trying to make everyone thing the best of me... being the type of person that people look up to and not doing things that jeapordize their high opinion of me. I tend to live with rosy glasses and think the best of everyone - and "know" that they are thinking the same of me.

That being said, if my man walked up to me and accused me of cheating and then refused to talk to me, I would be highly offended and would probably do all I could to make him believe that I hadn't done what he thinks I did.

But, after trying and trying and trying, and accomplishing nothing, I would come to the point where I'd say, "you know what? I know what I did and didn't do. YOU were my partner, the one who should have trusted me. You don't/didn't. Therefore, we're done."

Because I firmly believe that when there is no trust there is no relationship. Period.

I'm sorry, but if you were me, I'd cut my losses and be done. No hoping for a reconciliation after 90 days, but done. You don't trust me, you don't deserve me.

That is a really good point, and the reason we've been on and off is "She need's to be single" Which a month down the road she dates some guy then comes running back crying. And as much as that sucks. I like being the person she runs back too. We used to have a great relationship, and then we hit grade 12 and everything started to suck.

I guess I would do that, But I mean 6years on my 20ish year life is a huge part. I mean I would be kind of scared just to walk away from her, you know? I'll think about it. I won't tell her Im taking a break yet, I should think about this before I go running in there.


Oh and 1 more question, why do girls GET ALLL their friends behind them when they accuse you of like that?

Because women are like wolves-they travel in packs!

No only joking, to be honest I think this is a sign of her immaturity and lack of foresight. She should know that you are of better moral standing than cheating with this girl. Immature girls and boys feel the need to have their friends behind them so that they can believe in themselves.

You haven't answered the question though, why are you off and on for six years?

Have you cheated before? Has she?

You seem very young to have such a long relationship and because you've grown up with this relationship it is hard to walk away from it but sometimes it is for the best.

And one final thought, just playing Devil's advocate here, but do you think she might just have wanted to be out of the relationship altogether and this is the easy out?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Russel355ml

That is a really good point, and the reason we've been on and off is "She need's to be single" Which a month down the road she dates some guy then comes running back crying. And as much as that sucks. I like being the person she runs back too. We used to have a great relationship, and then we hit grade 12 and everything started to suck.

---

At first I thought she was just hurt, so I thought you should back off and give her some space, then try later to work things out, but after reading about her "need to be single", I've changed my mind altogether.

If I were you I would completely break it off with her. Why go through the heartache every few months? A person who loves you doesn't treat you that way. Take advantage of it and stay away from her.

Well I guess I really don't know why Neverme, it just ended up happening, And I guess I always stuck around.

And I also just got off the phone with her, She asked for the truth, I told her the truth, she called me a liar and told me to off. I just don't see how she believes some one that wasn't at the party, over me. Devorameira is completely right.

Thanks to all of you. Appreciate it.

I don't think you've had enough experience with a relationship that actually works. This has become too 'normal' for you, and I can promise you, it is not a relationship to base a future on.

Regardless of what she does, you keep taking her back, and forgiving her. You somehow accept her bad behaviour, and she knows it. You are not important enough to her that she would want to change.

This latest thing is a case in point. In her mind, you provided her an excuse to cut you off. Anything would have done, this was merely convenience because there actually was a party, so it worked for her.

Do you seriously think that your needs are being met in any meaningful way with her? Hers are, she does what she wants, when she wants, with no consequence.

This is not love that she shows you. It is immaturity, selfishness, innapropriate, and self-serving.

Love isn't accepting getting beaten up and going back for more like a lost puppy. What you have to give, would be far better matched with someone who could give back.

It is unbalanced, and unhealthy.

You can do much better if you can honestly see this for what it is, and see her for who she is.

It sounds like Russel355ml is just her RS.
(Refueling Station).

Eventually this relationship is destined to fail, once she finds
Something else out their to "permanently" take his place.

You like her coming back but someday she won't.

Remember, this is a 6 year relationship and there is a saying
Called the 7 year itch and it is showing all it's signs.

Whatever you decide to do, first, take a break.
That's your best bet for now and for yourself.

My answer is this. You youngsters don't realize how much time and how many people u are going to encounter and u assume your high school sweetie will be there forever. Your young and shouldn't be all wrapped up like this. Get out enjoy your youth, sow some oats then do all the settling down stuff

I'm not going back I think. I'm not going to bother anymore. Thank you everyone.