Ask Me Help Desk - Commitment Phobia

First I want to apologize, I know there are quite a few commitment phobia questions but I didn't feel as though I related to any. My situation is very ODD/RARE and I have yet to find someone to relate and I was hoping I could find it here. Let me see if I can get all the details out and then ask my question.

I'm 23 now, a teen mom, had my child at 17, still with (been together for 8 years) the father of my child but we are not married nor are we living together. I continued to live at home with our child because I knew I wanted to further my education, the only way to continue going to school was living at home with all the financial benefits that my parents are/were willing to provide. He never moved in with me because we knew we weren't ready for that step although we have a child toghther. I'm currently in my last semester as it has taken me longer than the usual 4 years to graduate since I took minimum hours to still have time for my child. The relationship with my guy is great. We get along great, enjoy similar things, laugh, cry, everything together. He has completed trade school and will soon go back for one more certification to earn more. So we have so much potential to have a great life together. My only flaw that I find in him is that he has no patience for our child. He cannot sit down to read a book, will not play a game or do child activities. It has been an absolute turn off for me. We, as any couple, have had our ups and downs, but I believe that we have persevered.

I think that's it as far as details. SO with that said, as I am about to graduate and with a potential career already lined up we have some what discussed some plans about moving out together. Things seem like they could potentially be all right but when I get to thinking about it I feel like I want to live on my own for a while (on my own being my child and I and not my guy).

It could be a number of reasons really. I think I have commitment phobia because I can't stand the thought of marriage. I've thought this way since I was very young, marriage just wasn't something I had in mind. Him not having patience to spend quality time with our child has definitely been hard for me. I've seen some of my best guy friends play with our child that they absolutely adore and I'd REALLY LOVE to see him acting the same way. It almost makes me have strong feelings toward these other men because of the interaction they have. I also feel sometimes that I haven't experienced the dating life. I have interned in my field of the degree I'm pursuing, and it being a predominantly male field I've been exposed to different intellects, cultures, and, on a superficial scale, GORGEOUS men who also happen to be intelligent and excel in what they do. I've been very strong to avoid temptation. I have at certain points allowed myself to get on a personal EMOTIONAL level with a few of these men but in no way physical. I'm afraid that if we take the step to marriage or to live together that I may be unfaithful. I don't want to be this person. We have discussed all these things before and he feels that it's because we don't live together that our relationship isn't as strong as it could be and I feel the opposite that living together could potentially end us for good.

I guess my questions would be: Am I a afraid of commitment? Or have I not had a chance to grow up and experience more? Or could the relationship between him and our child really affect me in this way? And if I truly want to make this work how can I keep myself from having feelings for other men, emotionally or physically?

Thank you for starting your own thread. This way we can give you advice without the chance of it getting mixed up with someone else's (in other words, you did the right thing. :) )

I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself if you love him as a mate/spouse or if it is more of a deep friendship and bonding of parents.

I am going to take the path that you do love him and really want to marry him (someday). Just because you marry someone does not mean that desire or appreciation of other people magically disappear. Wedding vows are not a spell for fidelity and faithfulness. It is how you deal with those feelings and don't act on them that are part of the strength of the relationship. There really isn't a way to stop those thoughts except to redirect them into paths that you are more comfortable with like fantasies about your partner.

I am concerned about what sounds like a lack of interest in his child. Both male and female children need the interaction of their fathers as well as their mothers. Do you think you could get him to go to a parenting class (never too late) or family counseling?

Yes, you are young, but you have made some surprisingly mature choices. I think you need to continue listening to the inner voice that has been guiding you so far. I, also, think you need to talk to him and be honest about your concerns. Just try not to put him on the defensive where the child is concerned or to go on the defensive yourself. You don't want the discussion devolving into an argument.

Edit to add: I guess you got back together after this :
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-313693.html

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

1) I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself if you love him...

2) ...Wedding vows are not a spell for fidelity and faithfulness. It is how you deal with those feelings and don't act on them that are part of the strength of the relationship...

3) Do you think you could get him to go to a parenting class (never too late) or family counseling?

4) Yes, you are young, but you have made some surprisingly mature choices. I think you need to continue listening to the inner voice that has been guiding you so far. I, also, think you need to talk to him and be honest about your concerns.

5) edit to add: I guess you got back together after this :
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-313693.html

I numbered to make this easier to refer back to:

1) I haven't been able to say "I love you" to him in about a year. This is partially because of what you referred to in #5). As I said we'd been through ups and downs, a down being that we were apart for a while.

2) I guess I have this naïve misconception that in marriage your mind, body and soul are for that one person and that one person ONLY. I see this in my mother and father as well as my best friend and her husband. I feel like they never have these feelings of temptation or perhaps they do and never talk about it. But I agree that the way these feelings are acted upon can be strength in the relationship.

3) Counseling or a parenting class would be a great idea.

4) Thank you for your regard in the mature choices I've made. It's what has gotten me this far. I have spoken to him about my feelings and concerns. I mentioned that he feels that us living together would change the way I feel. He says that he would be around more and be able to help more often and learn more from me about being a good parent. I'm just afraid of there being a possibility of it not being fixed in that way and it would get worse.

5) We parted ways for a little while just return back to one another stronger than ever. I guess I always have something in the back of my head wondering "what if".

Quote:

Originally Posted by Why Am I Here

I numbered to make this easier to refer back to:

1) I haven't been able to say "I love you" to him in about a year. This is partially because of what you referred to in #5). As I said we'd been through ups and downs, a down being that we were apart for a while.

2) I guess I have this naive misconception that in marriage your mind, body and soul are for that one person and that one person ONLY. I see this in my mother and father as well as my best friend and her husband. I feel like they never have these feelings of temptation or perhaps they do and never talk about it. But I agree that the way these feelings are acted upon can be strength in the relationship.

3) Counseling or a parenting class would be a great idea.

4) Thank you for your regard in the mature choices I've made. It's what has gotten me this far. I have spoken to him about my feelings and concerns. I mentioned that he feels that us living together would change the way I feel. He says that he would be around more and be able to help more often and learn more from me about being a good parent. I'm just afraid of there being a possibility of it not being fixed in that way and it would get worse.

5) We parted ways for a little while just return back to one another stronger than ever. I guess I always have something in the back of my head wondering "what if".

I'll keep the number system going. :)

1. Even if you can't say the words, do you feel the emotion? Are you trying to convince yourself that you still love him as more than a friend?

2. I have been married for nearly 24 years (we have been together for 25). I love my husband with all my heart and, if you read some of my other posts, he is my fantasy. Even so, I still like 'looking' and so does he. We are human. We also flirt with other people. He tends to be a bigger flirt, but I know that is all it is and that it isn't going anywhere. Temptation is a part of Life. Recognizing it doesn't lessen what you feel for your mate. As I said before it is acting on it that is a problem. I know talking to parents about it might be uncomfortable, but can you talk to your friend about it?

3. Counseling may help you find out just what you really want in this relationship.

4. You are right to be concerned about moving in together. So many times people take that step expecting it to solve the problems that already exist or for the individuals to change into 'perfect' parents and partners. A lot of the time, the problems get worse because of unrealistic expectations. How much has he really done to be a daddy? How much has he tried to do? Is he willing to try to do more now before you move in together or is he trying to use the 'promise' of learning and getting involved as a 'bribe' to get you to do what he wants?

5. Have you really worked out the problems that led to that break? Is the relationship stronger as a 'romantic'/'family'-type or has it settled into a deeper 'friendship'?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I'll keep the number system going. :)

1. Even if you can't say the words, do you feel the emotion?...

2. I have been married for nearly 24 years (we have been together for 25). I love my husband with all my heart and, if you read some of my other posts, he is my fantasy...I know talking to parents about it might be uncomfortable, but can you talk to your friend about it?

3. You are right to be concerned about moving in together. So many times people take that step expecting it to solve the problems...How much has he really done to be a daddy? How much has he tried to do? Is he willing to try to do more now before you move in together...

4. Have you really worked out the problems that led to that break? Is the relationship stronger as a 'romantic'/'family'-type or has it settled into a deeper 'friendship'?

1) this may be able to answer a little of #3) and #4) as well. To be thoroughly honest, I think that now I don't say it because it's been so long since I've said it that it's almost uncomfortable to me. I know that may sound odd but I feel it to be a genuine answer. I think I can love him, and at the same time I'm not sure that my love is unconditional for him. As soon as he says or does something the that rubs me the wrong way I put my guard up and I'm on the defensive. But as far as working out our problems causing our break, things have been very good. He does participate a little more... still not as much as I'd like, but the effort is there. I do know for a fact that I crave romance, that's one thing that has been lacking our entire relationship and a contributing factor because I'm a hopeless romantic.

2) OH HOW I COMMEND you on your commitment. I love to hear of long marriages. It makes me have some hope. You think I'd have more hope as my parents have been together for 35 years. I also think I may feel more comfortable talking to my parents. My father travels so much and my mother says every time he comes home she has butterflies and is so excited. I want to be like that. I want to feel that way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Why Am I Here

OH HOW I COMMEND you on your commitment. I love to hear of long marriages. It makes me have some hope. You think I'd have more hope as my parents have been together for 35 years. I also think I may feel more comfortable talking to my parents. My father travels so much and my mother says every time he comes home she has butterflies and is so excited. I want to be like that. I want to feel that way.

One thing, I have learned over the years is to say 'I love you' when I feel like it just because the phrase comes the closest to describing the overwhelming feelings I have for him. Try saying it when you think it or can't think of any other way to describe how you feel. Maybe start by thinking about him and saying the words out loud. It may help you get back in the practice of telling him.

You may want to look into books for couples about how to communicate. It is something that along with parenting you will need to work on together.

For me the butterflies last because I nurture them. Actually, when we got together he didn't think he was romantic. It took him a while to understand that the small gestures of a caress on the cheek or a small stuffed animal (I don't care for jewelry) for our anniversary were more romantic to me than a dinner and a movie. Cuddling on the couch watching our children play a game is a favorite memory.

If you are a romantic, you can put that to use by showing him how you feel. There is no rule that says males get to have all the fun. Giving him love notes, a flower, a card, surprising him with chocolates or something that he likes just because you feel like it can be good for yourself (it nurtures the butterflies, too). It may shock him. It may get him to do little things, too. Seemingly small gestures add up like sand.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

You may want to look into books for couples about how to communicate. It is something that along with parenting you will need to work on together.

Communication is definitely something we've had a hard time with. I need to consider a book or counseling.

Cat1864... I really do appreciate your time and effort in answer my questions and concerns. You have been extremely helpful and encouraging.

May I recommend "Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. And see if perhaps you can find a local couselor that uses his books in their cousling.

There is no magic relationships, they take a lot of work, and there will be up times and down times, good times and angry times.

You make it though by having that commitment so you are willing to work at making it work