I am married for two months now. For about a month now after 3 months of courtship. I am living with my husband in the US. We will go back to our mother country in another six month's time.
At this point in time, I do not have a job. I was working earlier and intend to work after I return back.

My husband has been extremely nice to me all these days. We went on our honeymoon trips and have a good set of friends. When I came to the US, my husband gave me a warm welcome and set up a beautiful house, furnished and everything. He seems to like me a lot.

I have however noticed since last week that when we play a game- chess, tennis or any other game, he finds it extremely difficult to see me win the game. After a 4 hour game of chess, as I was about to win the last moments, he flung the board, accused me of playing mind games and making smart moves in the game and even that I am behaving to be nice even if my mind is not. Further he accused me of being adamant of not apologizing him for my winning the game! Since then, my mind is not happy. I am always thoughtful. I am worried and concerned.
I am worried if once we go back to our country and I fetch a better job with a better pay then his, he might have the same problems. That is an intense problem considering this incident.
Please advice your thoughts.

Anger problems are a big red flag. If you feel comfortable enough, why don't you sit down and have a chat with him? Ask him why he doesn't like you to win at games against him? Ask him how he would react if you were to get a job that paid better than his. And ask what you do, by winning, to make him feel so angry.

It seems as though the man you are with now, is not the same man that showed you a nice furnished house. The reason being, is because in the early stages of a relationship, people hide their negative qualities, and play up being "nice" to their partners. If you had given your courtship more time, and showed a little more patience, chances are these qualities would've shown up before your marriage, and could've been addressed then.

Don't get me wrong, anger problems can be worked on, and most times eliminated, especially through couple's counseling, which could probably benefit you and your husband.

Just to understand the cultural foundation of the relationship, where are you from? Was this an arranged marriage?

Has he shown any other violent tendencies than flinging the chessboard? Is 'competition' the only time his 'anger' has gotten the best of him?

Does he show any other controlling behaviors like telling you what to wear, who to be friends with, what to do with your day, etc. If he doesn't tell you straight out what he thinks you should do, does he make strong suggestions and show disapproval if things aren't the way he thinks they should be (it could be as subtle as 'hints' and being less affectionate).

Understand that you are not responsible for his actions and reactions. He is. You should not have to apologize for winning or losing a game. You cannot make him do anything he doesn't want to do. He will have to want to change.

You can decide that you want counseling to work on the issues in the marriage and ask him to go to. You can also decide if his behavior gets worse that you can leave the house and get help.

Good luck.

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Just to understand the cultural foundation of the relationship, where are you from? Was this an arranged marriage?

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India. Arranged Marriage, yes.

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Has he shown any other violent tendencies than flinging the chessboard?

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No. He has not. He is mostly a polite guy.

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Is 'competition' the only time his 'anger' has gotten the best of him?

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Well, he is usually good at all sports. He always wins any game we play together. Chess is something that I am better at. I have not seen him in this emotion ever (well, only two months I have lived with him)

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Does he show any other controlling behaviors like telling you what to wear, who to be friends with, what to do with your day, etc.

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Not really. He sometimes suggests. But not really wants me to.. (yet!)

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If he doesn't tell you straight out what he thinks you should do, does he make strong suggestions and show disapproval if things aren't the way he thinks they should be (it could be as subtle as 'hints' and being less affectionate).

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Oh, not that I have observed. No..

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Understand that you are not responsible for his actions and reactions. He is. You should not have to apologize for winning or losing a game.

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He did not speak to me for the whole day and broke the silence saying I was too stubbon but he was willing to give up.

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You cannot make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

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Very true.

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He will have to want to change.

You can decide that you want counseling to work on the issues in the marriage and ask him to go to. You can also decide if his behavior gets worse that you can leave the house and get help.

I am assuming it might be better (we all want to think positive).

Good luck.

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Thanks so much.

Thank you for answering the questions. I wanted to make certain that I wasn't going to be encouraging you to stay in a situation that might be dangerous to your health and well-being.

I am glad you are thinking positive. It will make it easier for you to stay calm and even tempered when you try to have a discussion with him about your concerns. Communication is going to be a very important part of getting to know each other better and working together to make a strong marriage.

You may want to look at books that explain ways to have discussions where both people feel comfortable sharing how they feel and believe that the other person is listening. It may take a while for him to understand that it does mean he is less of a person because he didn't win a game. Instead, it can be a positive way for him to show how much he cares about you as a whole person if he can learn to welcome your successes.

Threads merged



I am married for six months now. My husband is very soft spoken and keeps reminding me that he loves me. I resigned my job to join him to another city. I am looking for a job here. He is very sweet and behaves extremely well with me. He thanked me perfusely for resigning from job to join him. He says it is a big sacrifice.
But when he speaks with his family.. my in laws that is, he shows disrespect to me.for example he said "she has no work, she sits idle at home anyway in the name of job hunting". After a severe migrane attack, for few hours, I heard him tell his brother "she is saying she has a headache, God knows!, Unfortunately, nobody can measure another person's pain". He passes such comments on phone when I am not in the vicinity. Although I can hear. But with me he keeps asking how my headache is. How can he help etc. He appreciates my cooking, and eats well. But on the phone, he says to his mum, "something she boils and gives me. I am eating"
Further, entertaining his guests are different from mine. Although he keeps saying both are same etc. I would soon be living with my parents in laws too, along with my husband. Once when I was speaking to my mother in law, she said "welcome home, after you come it is rest time for me".

I think you have to be very patient with each other as you learn and grow into this relationship and have a chance to develop honest communications with each other. Until that time arrives, don't think everything he does so personally, as you both have so much to learn.

No relationship can be perfect in a day, and marriages take a lot of work for years to come. It's a matter of building and enjoying the good, and working through the bad, as who's perfect??

Your previous posting of this question was merged with your previous thread.


Have you tried having a discussion with your husband about what you have overheard and your concerns about moving into his parent's house?

Nothing will get better if you don't at least try to talk with him. Let him know his conversations have been overheard and you wonder what he is really feeling. Keep an open mind and actually listen to what he has to say. Be honest about what you have heard and how it makes you feel.

It might help to have a neutral person mediate the discussion to keep it from becoming an argument or fight.

I'd say that what you are learning now about his family, and him (quite rude on the phone isn't he?) is what you can expect when you agreed to move into his family home.

Because you made that choice, and are expecting it to happen, I'd say you have been given a pretty good indication of what your life will be like.

Unless you are able to make major changes, which doesn't sound like something you want to do, you will have to learn how to do your best to get along with them, and accept them the way they are.

As the marriage includes his family, you tell me- what else can you do.

Married for more than a year now. My husband works, so do I. Even before the marriage my husband had made a point clear that he had to take care of his parents as neither of them work nor do they have any finance to take care of their retired lives. I was fine with this arrangement, considering that staying along with parents of either of us would help both of us to bond and serve as a support system if I have children and have to work.

I have relaised over a period, I am constantly reminded of my responsibility to take care of them, but they do not even respect me. Occasionally insult me also. Respecting my husband, I have been very nice and considerate. Taking this a weakness, they seem to have concluded that I am "scared" of them. The bank account of my husband is shared with them and money goes out of the bank account without any control. The parents in law go on long luxurious trips, buy very expensive clothes, jwellary, buy expensive gifts for their friends.
I have noticed that my mother in law keeps crying and weeping in front of my husband, reminding of how much pain she has undertaken to give birth to him (yes, during labor), how he had to be dropped to school and brought back etc. My husband is a mere puppet in front of them and theyhave completely brain washed him. They push him to get things out from my dad and mum, from my salary and advise him not to help at family chores.
I tried to speak to my husband, but things end up in a fight without ANY resolution to the problem. I have understood that he cannot speak a thing against his parents nethier can he advise them to spend moderately. We would need money for their own health requirements. Nothing works. Publicly, he is made fun of as a "hen pecker". This pushes my husband to not obey me, take care of my requirements or support me in any way.

A house is built in the name of the mother-in-law with the EMI being paid my my husband. There is no fund/ finance that is for both of us, or our future. We were with them last month and I am made to work the entire day on house hold chores, bringing provisions,cooking... There is lack of respect. I have tried to speak to my husband several times that has resulted in abuse and "trying to bring his parents and himself apart"...

You are in a very unfortunate situation. There obviously was no discussion prior to marriage of just how much taking care of his parents were going to require.

You are second to his parents... and while some people may not necessarily have an issue with that, depending on their culture, it is to the extent where your financial future is in jeopardy, the respect from your husband is nonexistent, you are seen without worth by his parents, and your own parents are effected by it.

Personally, if trying to talk to him to work out a compromise with you hasn't resulted in his even trying to make some changes, I would end the marriage. If abuse is occurring, without question I would end the marriage.

I don't see any other option for you. You could continue as things are, trying to make the best of it as you can... try to talk with him some more to see if he will be willing to work with you on it (doesn't sound like it would happen however)... get out of the marriage... or wait it out until his parents pass away, which by then you would have no respect for your husband anyway so what would be the point.

Hopefully he will meet you in the middle to where he can feel confident that his parents are taken care of, while still respecting you and the marriage, and you will be comfortable knowing that you are not being taken for granted by your husband or his parents.

We don't know where you are living or what your cultural heritage is, but I have to agree that it's time to start putting aside money so that you can leave. Or... just leave now, since you have a job. It may end in divorce, or it may force your husband to realize that he is severely limiting his own future as a married man who needs to plan for family, home, and savings of his own. I would also spend a week writing a letter to give him when you leave.

Unfortunately, given how much power over him his parents have, I don't see him suddenly seeing the light. I also see it only getting worse as they get older.

You have been married a year, and I presume this is an arranged marriage. Your circumstances are not unusual nor are they unexpected in such an arrangement. You don't 'just' marry the son of a family, and not know ahead of time, that what has happened, is what you signed up for.

Please correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like they had to approve of you, not the other way around, before marriage took place. Did you not know what to expect? Is all of this a total surprise to you?

If I'm in the ballpark here, it isn't, as your question asks, a problem with the inlaws, or a problem with your husband, it is more a problem with you not being happy with the arrangements that you should have known, ahead of time. Your husband did tell you that he would be taking care of his parents, and you were fine with that, when you thought that when babies came along, you would have built in babysitters.

Is this realistically a situation that you can correct, or change? Or is it a situation that you thought you could handle, but cannot? Or is it a situation where your husband can do nothing to change his relationship with his parents? Or are there compromises that can be made for the entire family. And if there is any negotiation that can now take place, can that be done, or is your husband's future forever entwined in the care and financial responsibilities he has to his parents (that you knew ahead of time, before you married him).

It is easy in the 'Western' culture for us to say your husband's first obligation is to you, and the two of you build a life together, and that his actions are worthy of divorce. But, if your life is a choice made fully understanding the consequences of marrying him, and his family, so to speak, just how do you expect things to change.

It does not seem you are at the top of the pecking order, and never will be. If you do divorce him, I hope that you make better, and more informed choices the next time around.

Same issues, 2 months after marriage. It is easier to understand the issues if the threads are read together -

Same issues, 6 months after marriage -

OP should follow her own advice on this thread which explains a very similar problem -

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...law-54257.html

"I know this very well!! It sucks!! And both the parties know it irritates you! They want to show, you don't distance them. Kiddish..childish..and given a chance I would slap both on their cheeks. Immature fools.. They think you are better in several aspects and this is their way show "you are not my end of the world". If you have to listen this, just show "I dont care, you fools.."

What a rocky start to a new marriage. Finding out you are not the main focus, but are the new kid on the block in an already established family dynamic. Maybe they are not so easy on you, and hard to get along with, and of course that's not exactly what you bargained for. But all this was arranged for you and now you must take the time to fit in and learn, so you can better be proactive in your dealings with not only his family, but him too!

You have not established yourself yet, but since you are still working on it, keep working. To be a queen, you have to stop acting like a princess. In time, I have no doubt you will grow into yourself, and make your place in this family, and be a lot more comfortable with taking over his house for the benefit of all of you.

There will be many things you don't like about your circumstances, but you have agreed to share this life with him and stand beside him, to move forward, and yes maybe because he has not taken on the bearing of king of the house, it will be difficult, but he has much to learn himself about man hood, and that's where you start, with him.

Voice your concerns that he runs to complain about you instead of talking to YOU. You will get no respect until you demand it. Such actions are dishonest, and disrespectful. Its your responsibility to build that bridge with the man you married. One, on one, and as you move forward, That's what you do, and he should know there will be hell to pay if he or any other under this roof steps to you in a disrespectful way.

You let him know, if he wants a QUEEN, then he has to start acting like a KING, not some obedient child, who is told what to do. That takes some time, but you can do this without being mean, or disrespectful. Just assert yourself to him privately, so you both can make rules of good behavior, and set boundaries of respect. Sometimes the best way to do that is to make sure they know what you don't like, or what you will not go along with.

It does take time, and a lot of patience, and persistence. I mean what can they do if you be yourself, and act in your own interests? Send you home to your parents?? That's not your problem, it would not be a punishment either. But understand his need, to make the end lives of his parents one of joy and respect.

Since you work, you can work for yourself, and if they do not co operate, oh well. That's their problem to deal with. They can only do to you what you allow. So stop complaining about them, and start building yourself. Doesn't matter what they do, all that matters is what you do about it.

Discuss this with your MOM!