Ask Me Help Desk - Engaged but still love my Ex!help

Hello:

I am engaged to be married early next year , the problem is that I think I still love my ex with whom I was on and off for 5 years . It was my first love , but we broke up because I was too inmature and my jealousy drove him away. After that he and I both had other relationships ,but always went back with each other, at least for a day or 2 , nothing serious ever develop . So I move on.My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years now , every now and then my ex called me and even invited me for dinner , wich I always refused because , I considered my relationship with my fiancé a good one and since I did not wanted to make the same mistake , as I did my ex , I cut all communication with him . I move in with my fiancé a few months ago , I felt like empty , I realized that I still had feeling for my ex . I spoke with my fiancé and asked him for some time apart. When I called my ex , he told me that he did not wanted to speak with me anymore , that he was going to become a father , with some girl he started dating and that I should move on!! I was crushed , after that I tried to reach him at his cell phone , many times,but he even changed his number!! My wedding its still on , but I don't know what to do . It seems that my ex its never going to come back , and I don't want to end up alone. I don't want him to be that kind of love you tell your granchildren about.

Any advice?

I do have advise, but I'm not sure if it's the advise you want to hear.
Sometimes "LOVE" and "LUST" are confused with each other. Love is the almighty force that keeps relationships going through good times and bad. Lust, on the other hand, is just intense feelings which bring on a sense of possessiveness and jealously. Your relationship with your ex, being that he was your first love, was probably filled with intense emotional feelings for one another. However, like you mentioned above, immaturity was the wall that prevented "true love/real love" from developing.
Lust is the beginning of every relationship, but couples that stay together for a life time have long past the lust stage as it develops into an unconditional bond.
These lust relationships are necessary in my opinion.
Seriously think about your current relationship... I doubt you'd be having second thoughts if you were truly in love with this person.

Don't be afraid to be alone for a while. Being available is the only way you're going to meet the person who's right for you. Don't go into relationships with the intentions of not being alone, because inevitably, you will end up unhappy and the relationship will end.
Don't settle for less or put yourself in long term relationships that has no future, you could possibly be passing up the opportunity to meet your soul mate.
If you feel you need time, take it. Only do what feels right to you.
As for your ex, he wasn't the person for you. Obviously you did fine w/o him for a while, it could be that you've began thinking about him not because you love him, but because of the doubts you have with your current relationship.
Good luck and put your feelings first always!!
Kae

By AKaeTrue

Quote:

Don't be afraid to be alone for a while.

If your getting married because your afraid to be alone, you are marrying for the wrong reasons. You should never tie up someone's future let alone your own out of fear. That is selfish, not love. Might work for a while, but cannot last and you will not be happy. As you have seen with your ex, things change and if you haven't changed with it then you will be left behind. You never got over your ex and as you can see it interfered with the relationship with a man who thinks you wanted to marry him. I strongly suggest that you take the time to heal your wounds by staying out of all relationships for now, and yes be alone, the thing you fear most, and learn for your own good, how to be happy on your own without a man to validate you. Find what makes YOU happy in life. If you had truly loved your fiancé, you would not have needed a break to pursue your ex. Take it as a warning to the wise that you are not ready to marry anyone at this time. TAKE TIME FOR YOU before you jump into something you will regret later.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bradshaw

Hello:

I am engaged to be married early next year , the problem is that I think I still love my ex with whom I was on and off for 5 years . It was my first love , but we broke up because I was too inmature and my jealousy drove him away. After that he and I both had other relationships ,but always went back with each other, at least for a day or 2 , nothing serious ever develop . So I move on.My fiance and I have been together for 3 years now , every now and then my ex called me and even invited me for dinner , wich I always refused because , I considered my relationship with my fiance a good one and since I did not wanted to make the same mistake , as I did my ex , I cut all communication with him . I move in with my fiance a few months ago , I felt like empty , I realized that I still had feeling for my ex . I spoke with my fiance and asked him for some time apart. When I called my ex , he told me that he did not wanted to speak with me anymore , that he was going to become a father , with some girl he started dating and that I should move on!!!!!!I was crushed , after that I tried to reach him at his cell phone , many times,but he even changed his number!!!!!!!!!!!! My wedding its still on , but I dont know what to do . It seems that my ex its never going to come back , and I dont want to end up alone. I dont want him to be that kind of love you tell your granchildren about.

Any advice?

Call off the wedding, you are not ready to get married if you are thinking of your ex, you are not ready to be a good wife to your potential husband. He deserves better than that. He deserves a woman who truly loves him and only him!

I think you NEED to spend time alone, and think and think and think what you want out of life.

No. 1 - forget your ex, he is your EX for a good reason.

Concentrate on your current fiancé and imagine a future with him.
Don't get married cause you are scared of being alone, marriage is a commitment and if you marry for the wrong reasons you will still end up alone, further down the line... OK, remember that!

You are not with your ex because it was BROKEN! Sometimes we only remember the good.

You have these feelinsg NOW because there are unresolved issues in your current life.

Sounds like your not that into your finance... end it. I agree with the scared of being alone. Don't mary if your not in love with him - I know several women who married just to be married - huge mistake - wasted years of their lives with someone they never loved. Yuck.

I think that you should reconsider your wedding if you think you are still in love with your Ex. However, I think you are only thinking about him because you are about to get married. Sit down and think about why he is your ex and not your fiancé. I mean really think. Then sit down and think about why you agreed to marry the man you are planning to walk down the aisle with. I think this is simple flirtation with the past and nothing else. It is obvious that your ex has other things going on and in reality so do you. Put the past to rest and deal with your future.

Don't marry your fiancé unless you are 100% sure that you want to and love him 150%. You would be doing a dis-service to both yourself, your fiancé, the marriage and in the end the Ex too should you shatter your current plans with a ghost of a relationship that did not last for a reason.

Do not get anchored down by the past because it is the past for a reason. Move on and enjoy your life in the present.

I wish you luck.