Ask Me Help Desk - Am I bi?

So here's the thing. I'm married and I love my wife. But I always had a thing for guys and I've been with some as well. But I thought I could get over it. But lately I've been getting those feelings again and actually acted them out. It feels great but it's very confusing. Because I donno how to explain it to her. I told her what I was doing. And I'm kind of shocked that her reaction wasn't anything that I had expected from her. She didn't seem angry and pissed and she said if I promise not to do it again then we can work things out between us. And so far life is back to where it was before. I'm not sure what to make of this. She claims that she's hurt and would never consider doing or letting me do anything with another guy even if she's there. And she can join if she likes. I'm also open to doing her with another girl. But why is she acting like noting ever happened ? Is she maybe hiding something? I'm very confused and I wonder if anyone can shed some light.

You could be bi if you enjoy sex with men and women.

Of you may just be gay, and do the married, women thing because it is what you were taught you were suppose to.

But either way, cheating on your wife is wrong no matter what sex desire you have. So you keep it in your pants or you divorce her.

She could be thinking, like any one night stand, that it was just that. Many couples can work through this, and remain together.

Her reaction could also be denial. She may think you must have been drunk, or temporarily unable to make a conscious decision to have sex with a man (or men), and cannot accept that you would have done this on purpose. She may also not accept or deny that you are attracted to men.

If you are attracted to men, you won't 'get over it'. It's not like there is a pill or therapy that can change who you are. If you are attracted to men, you're attracted to men.

You could very well be bisexual, and this is something you are going to have to figure out for yourself.

While you were wise to be honest with your wife, I get the impression that the issue of your sexuality, and what it means to your relationship, and what it means to her, is not really resolved.

Speak to her again, and keep talking and communicating. You might consider counselling to help you address your own sexuality, and your wife to figure out if she wishes to remain married to a man who will most likely have continuing attractions to men. If she had no idea that you were attracted to men, she must be quite confused right now.

I wouldn't add anything else to the plate such as threesome's right now. Deal with one issue at a time.

Best of luck to you.

Regardless of whether you are bi, you cheated on your wife.

Being bi doesn't give you a get out of jail free card to have sex with someone other than your partner when you are in a committed relationship. Cheating is cheating, whether you have cheated with the same gender or the opposite gender.

You have now risked your wife's life because you've acted on this.

Get tested for STI's. Get your butt into counseling. Bring your wife along if she's willing.

And for god's sake--just because you are attracted to someone, regardless of gender, doesn't mean you have to act on it. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just plain selfish and an idiot.

If your wife says "no", you get to have sex with ONLY your wife, for the rest of your life. If you don't like that, then get a divorce lawyer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bb78

So here's the thing. I'm married and I love my wife. But I always had a thing for guys and I've been with some as well. But I thought I could get over it. But lately I've been getting those feelings again and actualy acted them out. It feels great but it's very confusing. Because i donno how to explain it to her. I told her what I was doing. And I'm kinda shocked that her reaction wasn't anything that I had expected from her. She didn't seem angry and pissed and she said if I promise not to do it again then we can work things out between us. And so far life is back to where it was before. I'm not sure what to make of this. She claims that she's hurt and would never consider doing or letting me do anything with another guy even if she's there. And she can join if she likes. I'm also open to doing her with another girl. But why is she acting like noting ever happened ? Is she maybe hiding something? I'm very confused and I wonder if anyone can shed some light.

This may help you understand her point of view: When my husband and I got married, I told him that if he ever cheated and I found out from any other source than him that would be the end. However, if he told me then there would be a chance to work it out and keep the relationship going.

Your wife may be giving you a chance to prove that you are wanting the marriage to succeed. She may also have had some inkling that you were attracted to males and expected something like this to happen and had her defenses ready for it.

You don't say how long you have been married or if children are involved. What you do say exposes the picture of a man who has a guilty mind and is allowing that guilt to color his perception of his spouse's actions and reactions. Why if she is being somewhat understanding do you wonder if she is hiding something?

You also sound like someone who doesn't seem to understand what making love with your mate is about. She is being understanding about past actions and you don't seem to understand why she wouldn't be open to watching you have sex with another male even if 'she could join in' or a threesome with a female (where is your bisexuality in that) where you would be open to 'doing' your wife with another female.

You sound more like you are bored with the sex in your relationship and are looking for outside ways to spice it up. That won't work. Examine your own motives and stop trying to say it is because "I may/am bi that I need 'more'." I am not buying it and I don't think your wife is either.

Yeah everyone I think that some of you made scense whole others are just hating and not really thinking. But it took me a day to realize that my wife knew about it and she knows what has happened before we got married about 3years ago and she is willing to support and help me in every way to get our lives back to normal. We spoke a lot about it and I wad stupid to act on it without asking her first. But I think I'm just now realizing what real true love is and I can live with just loving her and we can have are explorations to ourselves in different ways. Thanks for your help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bb78

Yeah everyone I think that some of you made scense whole others are just hating and not realy thinking. But it took me a day to realize that my wife knew about it and she knows what has happened before we got married about 3years ago and she is willing to support and help me in every way to get our lives back to normal. We spoke a lot about it and I wad stupid to act on it without asking her first. But I think I'm just now realizing what real true love is and I can live with just loving her and we can have are explorations to ourselfs in different ways. Thanx for your help.

Good luck.