Ask Me Help Desk - Why won't he propose?

Why won't he propose? We've been together 7.5 years, he's 25, I'm 23, and we live together. I moved to the other side of the world for him, giving up my friends, family, and everything I knew. I'm even pursuing a masters degree, because, and only because that was the easiest way to get a visa. I'm a pretty girl, I cook, I clean but I'm left thinking I'm less then adequate. I've done all of this for him, I love him, and the only thing I really want is to get married, and soon after start a family. But I'm left without a ring, or a promise of one soon to come. He talks of marriage being some impossible feat because of all the costs involved, something we could do when we're in our 30s or 40's. I can't give any more of myself, what do I do?

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Originally Posted by notgoodenough02

Why won't he propose?

To tell you the truth no one here can really answer that question. We can all give your our opinions about it, but in reality, you'd have to ask him and have a serious heart to heart with your mate.

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We've been together 7.5 years, he's 25, I'm 23, and we live together.

23 - 7= 16

So you were about 16 when you started dating him. How has the relationship beed in the last 7 years? Hard, easy? Have there been any major problems, such as infidelity, lying, bad communication?

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I moved to the other side of the world for him, giving up my friends, family, and everything I knew. I'm even pursuing a masters degree, because, and only because that was the easiest way to get a visa.

... so are you legally able to stay in the country you currently reside?

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I'm a pretty girl, I cook, I clean but I'm left thinking I'm less then adequate.

Oh hunny, you can be a chef, a porn star and a beauty queen but if the guy doesn't want to marry you he won't marry you. It's not what you CAN do, or what you DO, or even what your LIKE--- it's up to HIM whether he wants to marry you. Men marry mean, ugly women that can't cook unless it comes with microwave instructions.

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I've done all of this for him, I love him, and the only thing I really want is to get married, and soon after start a family.

So you spend all this time at school to drop it all right quick to have babies. Common' now your missing the point of going to school! You go to school to get that job, to get paid well so you can enjoy the things in life! If you graduate or even drop out and start having babies all this time being in school was just wasted.

Don't get me wrong children are a blessing, having a family of your own is great. However you CAN and you STILL have the option of holding it off and enjoy what life has to give you!

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But I'm left without a ring, or a promise of one soon to come. He talks of marriage being some impossible feat because of all the costs involved, something we could do when we're in our 30s or 40's. I can't give any more of myself, what do I do?

It's been seven years, if he doesn't talk about marriage, if he has no interest in marriage and then my opinion is to cut your losses.

Here is the cynic in me dying to come out:

Look you met him at 16 and you've been with him for a hell of a long time. I doubt this guy wants to marry you, he's already been trapped in this long long relationship, you really think he wants to be committed for life? I know you love him, but like I said you were only 16!!

Being drug onto this super long relationship you haven't really "lived". You need to be single to learn more about life, be independent and be able to learn more about yourself.

My opinion is to cut your losses and just move on and make a life of your own. What do you want 2011 to roll around and there is your guy still not wanting some sort of future with you, then 2012, then 2013.

You will not be happy.

Do things that make you happy. Don't waste your time because you only have your youth once and I'm afraid that you are really wasting it.

....then again this is just my opinion.

Have you got a job and a social life that doesn't include him? And apart from the marriage issue would you say the two of you are happy together?
Generally speaking,I would say that if not getting married is a dealbreaker for you,you should consider your options,but some more information about your relationship would be helpful.

This is a discussion you should have had with him BEFORE you moved half way around the world.

From what he says, it seems he may not be the marrying type. Also, haven't you ever heard the saying... "why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?"

He doesn't have to marry you, he gets all the benefits of marriage without the commitment.

Yes I legally live in this country, and do have a social life outside of him. I have given him a time line. Basically, he has till I finish my MSc. Which is basically 1 year, If he doesn't propose by them Im out of here. I have no reason to stay then, and I would move back home. We are happy together. We just have different Ideas of what commitment is. He thinks he is committed to me because we live together, and well I don't really think of it as commitment. There has never been any infedelity in our relationship. We have been through a lot together, family deaths, pet deaths, other tough times. And we have had our ups and downs. Marriage is just something I really value, and so does my family, I just want ot move to the next level. He does talk about when were married, our kids this our kids that (though we don't plan on having kids till we're 30 or so). I just don't know what's stopping him from proposing, I don't need some extravagant ring, id take somethgn from the dollar store, after all its just a symbol. I just don't understand why he won't go forward. Perhaps I should shorten the time line for him to make a decision.

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Originally Posted by notgoodenough02

Yes I legally live in this country, and do have a social life outside of him. I have given him a time line. basically, he has till I finish my MSc. Which is basically 1 year, If he doesn't propose by them Im out of here.

This made me laugh. Not at you just, I find it funny. It's like your saying "if you don't ask me to marry you within a year I'm leaving you". Bad plan.

Now he has a year to lolligag and then boom at the end of the year you'll be disappointed and realize that you just wasted yet another year.

How old were you when you actually moved to his country and in with him?

You talk a lot about what you have done. What has he done besides talk?

What 'costs' is he talking about? The ring, the wedding, the honeymoon.. You already live together so it can't be the actual cost of living unless there are tax penalties for married couples. Having children is a chance you take every time you have sex (no form of birth control is 100% effective) so unless you are both celibate that 'cost' should already be planned for.

Could he have any concerns that you are only staying with him to stay in the country or have a place to stay while you do your studies? What is your status after you graduate? Is he biding his time until you have to leave the country because of an expired visa?

I think you two need to sit down and have an honest discussion about where each of you sees the relationship going and the ways it can get there. Actually listen to each other. Write down the concerns and issues and look at possible compromises and solutions. Communicate and work together. If you can't work out a suitable compromise, then it doesn't matter if you get married today or in ten years. You still won't have the communication skills to build a strong relationship.

Instead of waiting for him to propose, why can't you propose to him and suggest a long engagement?

Why should he marry you? You live with him, he gets all the benefits of a wife but without any legal commitments.

He may not want to get married.

As for as cost, let me see 50 dollars for a marriage license and 100 for the judge or preacher and you are married. A marriage does not require a 5000 dress, a 10,000 church and so on

Why is a wedding or him proposing at a young age so important to you? Maybe he wants you both to be more stable before that next step. Maybe he takes marriage seriously and has certain expectations before marriage. What's the rush. At least you have a boyfriend. Most people don't even have that and if things are going well then appreciate that. Don't look for stones elsewhere when you've already got a diamond. Don't build pyraminds out sand. You said that he speaks of marriage and kids at a later age and I think that's great. Enjoy him and what you have. Don't stress yourself out. Maybe there are other issues you two are having that you assume marriage would solve?? Communicate with your boyfriend. Good luck!

My daughter had a similar situation. She was going with her husband at the time it was her boyfriend for like 6 yrs. She gave him an ultimatum, either he gets engaged and married, if that's what he wants, or she moves on. They broke up for about a week or so. He came back and they got engaged a couple of months later. Now there married for almost 10 yrs and couldn't be happier, and have two children. So yes, you have waited long enough. Yes, your 23, and he is 25 well its time, for him to commit of somekind or look elsewhere.