Ask Me Help Desk

Ive been with my fiancée for a year and five months. We have a 5 month old child and 2 daughters who look at me as the father. She recently broke up with me because I'm to controlling and jealous.I am doing everything I can I'm seeing a counselor I read forums. I do self esteem work sheets, confidance building, jealousy and control sheets. I'm trying to change but she doesn't care enough to just stick by me.. I don't abuse her or anything like that... this is tearing our family apart and the last thing I want to do is lose her.. she wants me to move out and all of the abnove.. I know I have to respect her but if she loved me then why won't she help me or encourage me to get hel.. she just pushes me away.. do I do?

I feel so lonely and depresses.. ive been through breakups and I know what to do but that's not what I am asking.. she still loves me and she still is wearing the engagement ring.. how do I get her back?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jasonalias

Ive been with my fiancee for a year and five months. we have a 5 month old child and 2 daughters who look at me as the father. she recently broke up with me because im to controlling and jealous.i am doing everything i can im seeing a councellor i read forums. i do self esteem work sheets, confidance building, jealousy and control sheets. im tring to change but she doesnt care enough to just stick by me..i dont abuse her or anything like that...this is tearing our family apart and the last thing i wanna do is lose her..she wants me to move out and all of the abnove..i know i have to respect her but if she loved me then why wont she help me or encourage me to get hel..she just pushes me away .. do i do?

How long have you been working on your issues? How much is she supposed to put up with while you get your jealousy under control?

Take a step back and look at it from her point of view, she is trying to raise three children in a happy and healthy environment. While, to you, your behavior may not have been 'abuse', to her, it may have been bordering on emotional/mental abuse. I don't know what she went through with the older children's father. Your behavior could be reminding her of him or another past relationship.

I would suggest moving out and working on your issues by yourself. As with making any personal change, you have to be doing it for yourself because you want to be a stronger person. If you keep looking to her for encouragement, then when she doesn't give it when and how you think she should, it is a set-back for you. Jealousy is very much an internal struggle with insecurity that turns outward. The only way to fix it is to find and work on the underlying causes and those are all inside you.

You have a child together so she isn't totally out of your life. Be a good father. Pay child support. Keep up a set visitation schedule. Show her by your actions matching your words that you are changing. If you can have conversations with her about the children that don't devolve into accusations and mistrust about what she may or may not be doing, she may start thinking about giving it another chance.

Is it possible for you to go to counseling together? Perhaps if she can go with you a couple of times she would see that you're genuinely making an effort and would be prepared to make an effort in return.

You have to make this about your love for her, and your children, not your expectations about her love for you. Try to put the brakes on expecting her to behave a certain way - she is not responding the way you'd like, but then I'm sure you didn't respond that way she would have liked.

Keep in mind also that she has 3 young children - this is pretty exhausting, and sometimes there is not enough left to go around.

I sense that you need to show her that you care about her and that you want a life with her rather than demanding that she stick by you and love you in return. It's hard, but try to make your love for her unconditional - if you give and don't expect in return it may just change the dynamic between you.