Hi every body,
I am a 28 years old girl and it is 9 years that I am with my boyfriend he is also 28.Actually we grew together we passed trough many hard days and we achieved everything in our life together but there was always a problem,I loved him more, it annoyed me but because I knew that he loved me I tolerated it.I should add that we were not living together and it is normal in my country's culture.
Nowadays it is 8 months that I have left my home country. We never talked about marriage before because we both Knew that we are not in good condition to do that, but 6 months before I leave my country I talked with him about marriage and I wanted him to marry me and we travel to gether.I knew that he has no problem in leaving his home town.He told me he is not ready for marriage yet and it is something mentally and not something related to money or other conditions.He told me that he will try to come to me in future by himself but not by marriage.
It was really difficult for me to believe this excuse,how he can not decide for marriage after 8 years that he loved me?! I left him when both of us were crying.
Now it is 8 months that we are apart and we continue a long distance relationship.We talk to gether every day and visit each other most of the days by web cam.everything is like before, we love each other, but I love him and care about him more,he wants to come to me but according our plan it will take near 2 years! And our chance for sucsess is 50%!!
Now I am passing very bad days, I really need him near myself,I found out that long distance relationship is a terrible one specially with this nightmare that I know one girl will come to his life at list for his sexual needs, last time we talked I found out that he does not want to marry yet and it is really dissapointing for me.I really do not like to make him marry me,because I know it will not make my ideal marrige.
Now I have a question, what do you do if you were me?
Thank you

I know what long distances are like! My fiancé is in the military. They're tough, but if you truly love this man, and he is a good man and truly loves you with trust, commitment, and respect, then he is worth the wait.
Don't let distance get to you. There is something you two share- you both share the same love, and if it is truly love, it will span any distance. Don't let the lack of his physical presence discourage you. Your relationship can't be built on physical presence. Having a fear of your partner cheating on you while he is away, is completely natural. I've had that fear.
I can say though, you can't "make" someone marry you. Trying to get someone to do something you want is controlling and manipulative. Give him some time to think things through. After a while, I would bring up the topic again. Take some time to sit down with him over webcam, or on the phone and have a conversation about marriage and if he sees marriage in your future as a couple. Communicate with him, ask him if about his thoughts and opinions. If he tells you he needs more time, or will consider it, then give him some time to process. Don't nag him about it, and don't try to get him to marry you. Wait for him to process, talk about it, and go from there. Good luck, and every happiness to the both of you!

Thank you jaime90 for your attention.I have always been full of hope. I know that many things are dissapointing but also right know I want to do my best.when I see he loves me and also his hesitate to marry me... it is a paradox.

Maybe its because of our cultural differences, but I strongly feel that a couple that cannot commit, and plan a future together, that they can both work for is a waste of time, and maybe holding on to a maybe, may not be the wise thing to do.

How much are you sacrificing waiting for him to be ready, and what is his view of where your going with all this talk? Help me understand why this is acceptable to you? Are you also working? What part of the world are you from?

I wouldn't wait nearly a decade for any one to make up their mind about OUR future.

Tal said it right in his last line. Not only wouldn't he, I wouldn't wait 9 years for someone to decide about our future, now I don't think marriage is a first date conversation but after a year depending on age, it should be addressed.

I wouldn't wait 9 years, but maybe I would wait about 6 years, then I would figure out that loving a man more than he loves me is unacceptable.

You can not get what you want from a relationship where both parties are not on the same page. Respect yourself, as he isn't showing you the respect you deserve. Do not choose to wait on him, you will only regret where you could have been.

Thank you dear friends for your attention, I should say that I am from Iran and nowadays I live and work in U.S.A.You know I have started this relationship when I was so young,it was really an unconditional love, and after many years that I decided to change everything it seemed impossible.Also thesedays when I talk with him about my new point of views in our relationship he is wondered that why I am changed!

You know why I always care him more and love him more,because at the firs 2 years of our relationship he was in a bad condition and had some problems in his life,he really need a supporter, a real friend somebody who care and love him and it was difficult to expect him be a ideal boyfriend,time passed everything become OK in his life but our role did not change!

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Originally Posted by hana1823

he is wondered that why I am changed!

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I have bad news for him. All people change. It is called growing. Relationships change. Same thing. Your relationship can not stay the same. The hard part is to keep it growing. Sometimes it grows more intense, sometimes less intense. Sometimes it grows in a different direction. This relationship may be growing farther apart.

You can not force him to commit to marriage, love or not. I hope he will grow towards committing to you.

If he's not sure you're the one after NINE YEARS, walk away. Find someone who does want to marry you. Sorry hon, he's just not that into you. He's not. The sooner you realize that and walk away, the sooner you can find someone worthwhile.

You're making excuses for him. It all boils down to him being too cowardly to tell you that he's not in love with you the way you want him to be. A man who was in love with you would want to marry you without you having to bring it up. He's delaying things because he's not sure you're the one he wants to be with. I would leave him.

This sounds more like a good friendship to me. You readily acknowledge that your feelings for him have always been stronger than his feelings for you. He's also been honest and told you that he's not ready for marriage (this may also mean that he does not want to marry you).

Firstly, you can't make him marry you, and secondly would you REALLY want to marry someone that doesn't care for you as much as you care for him?

I would suggest that 9 years is more than enough time to wait for his feelings to change. It's important that you be realistic - he is a friend, not a potential husband. I do understand that you've invested a lot of time waiting for him and being friends with him - but clearly it's not enough. Even in your culture there must be a point where women say "that's enough!".

If I were you, I would decide to let go of this relationship and to focus on yourself for a while. Don't sell yourself short. There is someone out there who will love you as much as you love them. It just isn't the man you're with.

After 9 years it's going to be hard to walk away, but that's what I would do.

He's never going to be ready to commit. If you decide to stay you'll be wasting your life waiting for something that I highly doubt will happen.

Do you want a marriage, kids, a life with someone? If you do, then you'll have to find someone else, because this guy isn't going to give that to you.

You deserve to be loved as much as you love. You deserve a man that loves you so much that he can't wait to make you his wife.

This guy isn't it.

Thank you,your nice advices are not strange for me,I have heard sentances like them before from my sister,close friends and people in my life who love me, but I never could decide to breakup just because I was a successful person with no defeat in my life,I've never could believe that I will be lost in the most important matter of my life,my love.But now is a time that I shoud accept my defeat.I will survive!

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Originally Posted by hana1823

Thank you,your nice advices are not strange for me,I have heard sentances like them before from my sister,close friends and people in my life who love me, but I never could decide to breakup just because I was a successful person with no defeat in my life,I've never could believe that I will be lost in the most important matter of my life,my love.But now is a time that I shoud accept my defeat.I will survive!

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You will survive. We'll be here if you need anyone to talk to. There are a lot of people going through breakups that come to this site for help. It's what we do. :)

So keep in touch, let us know if we can help, if you need to talk, to cry, or just need a shoulder to lean on.

We'll be here. :)

Next week we will both talk with a psychologist.I will talk on phone and he will visit him.

I think you've made the right decision - Good luck with the counseling.

Hi dear friends,
I have talked with a consultant,he told me about problems in a long time relationship,he told me that in our relationship there is no excitement anymore and also any motivation and they are two important factors that is needed to courage my B.F to make a great decision like marriage.He told me about my last chance to make a motivation and shake my relationship,he wanted me to make a deadline for my B.F for a serious decision about marrige and said me that I should not be in contact with him in this period.
Now I have done it and I feel very good.I am so hopefull, whatever happen in future.
Thank you for your great comments.

You can't push a marriage, not to be mean but maybe he just doesn't want to marry so he'll see if you'll stay loyal while you're apart. Seeing how you said you'd been friends and there for each other that long, it sounds like you'd tell him if something like that were to happen. Maybe he just wants to make sure you're the girl for him. If you stay committed and so does he, you both obviously love each other enough to spend the rest of your lives together. I know what its like as well. But me and my boyfriend are not married. Somewhat engaged but not married. Id love for it to happen too, but Ive set my mind to, when he's ready I'm ready.

It's a big step, good luck to you

You may want to check out http://www.keephimaddicted.net/how-to-make-him-marry-me to see how to make him marry you. Waiting years is so frustrating, and this page is all about finally solving the dilemma with couples who have been together for years with no marriage proposal