How do I deel with step children who betrayed my trust.They went behind my back to their aunt and grandmother requesting to visit their biological father.I grew them up to this fine young teens from ages of 7 and 8,watched them grow and naturing them through both their primary and higher education.I know I am strict if they slack at school and I ground them when I get their behavioral report from school.The mother will agree with me at that moment and then when they start again tell me she had forgotten.What pains me the most is that I she has also enetertained the idea of the children knowing their biological father who was never there for them and who also denied that one of the children is not his.I know I sound pathetic about this but right now I have taken a hasty decision that if they go to their biological father they should not bother returning home because to me that's betrayal.How am I going to accept them back knowing that they will be calling me father while they met their real father. Is that not tantamount to pretention knowing that when this man has grown us up we will go to our real father who has done nothing for us all this years? I wish somebody who is or has been in the same situation can respond and help me to deal with this matter.Its pulling us apart especially my wife and I.I told her that she should just leave them to stay with their bilogical father and she does not like the idea? HELP

Why do people have to throw around the word "real" in regard to a parent-child relationship? Are you "imaginary" Is the biological father "imaginary"?

Like it or not, many adopted children feel the need to seek out their biological parents. This in NO WAY reflects on the adoptive parents. This just has to do with people wanting to know their own story.

Why do you have such a problem with them getting to know their biological parent? Why do they have to CHOOSE between you and him? Do you think there is a limited amount of love in the world, and that if they DO form a bond with him that your bond with them will disappear?

This sounds to me like YOU need counseling to understand that you are NOT the only father that your children have. You don't get to erase the past just because you want to, you know.

This may have been easier for you, had the children discussed it with you first. I agree with Synnen that it is inevitable that biological 'roots' are a great draw for some people. That does not make him any more a father, than it makes you the biological dad.

You, are their father. All the blood, sweat and tears of raising them is proof of that. It is a very difficult job to raise kids, you know them better than anybody, and they are who they are, because of your influence on them.

Their biological dad has a different role to play. He and them, may or may not develop a relationship. This could just all be curiosity, and after they meet him, that will be enough. If, and this is a big if, they do develop a relationship, it is separate and distinct from the bond you have with them.

Your place and relationship with them, will never change.

Try your best to be understanding, and just go with the flow. As much as you'd rather they didn't meet him, it will likely happen. If they know that you will be there if things don't work out as they are anticipating, it will only further their regard for you. If it works out that he is going to be in their lives, he will never be able to replace you.

That he abandoned them at ages 7 and 8, and didn't bother to be a father, does not hold him in very high esteem in my book. But, people change, and the kids are older now.

I think you are making a mistake you will regret by making it a 'him' or 'me' situation. It doesn't have to be that way.

Thanks Jake 2008 for your speedy response,I guesse I was afraid the children will love me less for instilling discipline when they have underperformed at school and not doing their daily chores at home.I felt inferior and inadequate as a father. I guesse jealousy and my wife miscarring every time gets the best of me knowing that I will never have the joy of fatherhood with her.Can you please recommend online counselling websites on line,I really need to talk to someboby.

sibheke, I know next to nothing about online counselling services.

Your best bet is to make an appointment with your family Doctor, and ask him what is available in your area.

Good luck, maybe others will know more and post.

I am sure that there is more than enough love to go around, but I suspect that you could do with speaking to a counselor as your belief that your stepchildren's actions are a 'betrayal of your trust' is very worrying.

It's really important that you allow your children to know their biological father. Their desire to know him is not a judgment about your parenting skills, but if you deny them this opportunity, or make a big deal about it, then they will resent you.

My husband has 2 children from a previous marriage and they live with his ex-wife and her new husband. They are very close to their step-father and he does a lot more for them on a day-to-day basis than my husband, the biological father (who they see fortnightly). This is just the way things are, and my husband bears no resentment for it.

Please remember that children are not possessions to be owned by one person or another. Their biological father has a right to know and love them, (just as you do) regardless of how he behaved in the past.

I see the term, "step" not adopted, that is one issue right there, so he is still their legal father also.

But since you seem not to want them to know their bio father, that makes them as teens want to see and know him even more. They should have always had the ability to call or talk to him if they wanted to, and most likely they would not really care, since he did not contact them.

I hope the bio father did not try and you all denied him any chance to know his kids also.

You should have been open to this, by being so closed minded, you risk causing serious issues over the years.

Yes there was a broken trust, you broke it, in my book by not bieng open to allow them to know him if they wanted to