Ask Me Help Desk - My wife was cheating on me before we got married

Hi askmehelpdesk... hi everyone,

A little help. My wife and I've been married for about 2years and we have a one year old son.
Life is good. Its great to be a father. Its just... I sort of have a problem trusting my wife.

When we were just still dating I introduced her to a good friend of mine (actually I thought of him as one of my BEST FRIENDS at that time). They really got along... maybe too much. Since my friend was living with me and she would always come over to our place, all three of us spent time together a lot. They were getting more and more touchy and she would talk to him more than she did to me... seemed like she was enjoying her time that she spent with him more... it really bothered me.

During the same time my parents were going through a lot. My father lost his job and we had a lot of debt on top of that. My father declared bankruptcy and my mother who never worked before started working 12hr shifts. With little money we could gather from our relatives, my mother then started a little tiny restaurant. She told me that this way we would at least have some food to eat. I soon quit my job and helped my mother, since she was all alone running the restaurant literally over 14hrs a day.

So with all that it really effected our relationship. We were on and off... breaking up and making up. And I knew she was stressed out about how busy I was trying to support my parents. I wasn't able to spend a lot of time with her, but I did show her love. But I saw my friend and her getting closer. It almost looked like she came over to see him and not me. And she would bring in little something for him all the time... like a box of smokes since he was a smoker.

I finally confronted her and she only confessed that they did hold hands and all, but nothing beyond that.. . hold hands and nothing beyond that? Kind of shady... would this count as "cheating" already? Well, so I got pissed when I heard that so I went to see my friend and made him spill everything. Good I did that because I found out that there was another guy who was also my friend who was messing with my girl.
Apparently, they were playing this little game of "who can hit my girl first". Found out that my girls been out on a date with both of them. Hanging around and messing around holding hands while I was busting my butt off helping my parents get out of their debt-hell.

Soon we broke up again. She blamed it on my family's situation... that she didn't see any bright future in me. Told me that she sees me working at my mothers tiny restaurant forever... being stuck.

All that said from her I was like okay, **** this girl. My family comes first.. . but I did still love her... I'm not going to lie.

But the most shocking news of them all came the day after our break up. She called me and told me that she was pregnant! But honestly, I wasn't sure if it was really MY kid. However, since those guys weren't around around the time she got pregnant I was able to believe that it was my kid. I secretively consulted a doctor. Told him everything and gave him the dates those guys were away. He calculated the days and everything and he came to a conclusion that the kid should be mine.

She was happy that she was pregnant. She told me that she loved me and everything but... man... so much was happening and I was confused. I suspected her of cheating on me, she was not supportive, and she dumped me... and now shez back with a kid saying that she loves me... I decided to believe her. Plus she is holding my kid. I can't betray them. Never betray your blood. Now my job is to provide everything I can to this kid.

The kid is now 1 year old and he walks already. Cute little boy. Love him. Everything seemed to be going well until a few days ago... I found out that my wife's been talking to my friend secretively. I never talk to those two friends anymore. Can't trust them anymore, and my wife should very well know that I wouldn't want her to talk to them. Last night she thought I was asleep and I over heard my wife talking to that guy over the phone... talking about how she misses him and that she wants to see him. This morning I checked her cell phone (for the first time) and I saw bunch of messages under the guys name. I didn't have time to open and read any of them since she woke up, but I now definitely know that they kept in touch... I don't know what to think. Should I let this one pass? Should I have doubted her more back then when it first happened? Am I too late to dig up her past and ask for a divorce? Even if nothing is happening between them anymore, and its more of a friend thing... I keep on thinking about what happened back then. I mean come on.. they used to "hold hands"... isn't that already bad enough? And I seriously doubt that nothing happened beyond that. Even if she really loves me now and she's never thinking of cheating on me... should I forgive her? If it really did end with just holding hands, would I be over reacting? Would you guys forgive your girlfriend/boyfriend if you caught him/her holding hands with somebody else? Would you trust them that nothing happened beyond that?. gosh... headache headache

Well to me the holding hands thing was hard enough. But come on she cheated on you with 2 guys. Why marry her? And it seems like she only married you because of the child. She contacts the person she cheated on with. Which is to far for me. You need to talk to her because what's she doing to you is flat out wrong. Nobody should be treated like that. If I were you I would either get a divore or talk. And she may cheat on you again with the person she's contacting with. But once a cheater always one.

Wow, I can't believe this. First you need a paternity test. No doctor can tell from a story if the baby is yours or not. Believe me, I hear it all the time after I deliver a baby. The patient or the baby daddy asks me whether the baby could be his. It's a question I can't answer with any certainty and I ALWAYS refer them for a paternity test.

Now, why in the heck did you marry her with that sordid background?

Time for a paternity test and divorce papers buddy!

Quote:

Originally Posted by RadioActive697

Well to me the holding hands thing was hard enough. But come on she cheated on you with 2 guys. Why marry her? And it seems like she only married you because of the child. She contacts the person she cheated on with. Which is to far for me. You need to talk to her because whats she doing to you is flat out wrong. Nobody should be treated like that. If I were you I would either get a divore or talk. And she may cheat on you again with the person shes contacting with. But once a cheater always one.

I must disagree with your last statement - I do matrimonial surveillances.

There are one time cheaters who learn a lesson. There are one time cheaters who go on to become what I call serial cheaters.

You cannot make a generalized statement about cheating. Some people get beyond it, others do not. It's individual.

I agree with judy about how everyone is different about the cheating thing. The main point in any of those situations is what the person who committed the act is doing to follow up and heal the relationship. Its not unreasonable for your wife to be expected to cut off all ties to the ones that are suspect. As it wouldn't for yourself had you been in that situation. As far as divorce goes that's your decision. No one can tell you what to do. We can only advise on what might occur if you file for it. For one thing there will be a custody battle. So you can't do anything to interfere with that. Maybe try marriage couciling first because its obvious you two still have trust issues and there needs to be some lines drawn. Its not about control its about trust.

Well my first thought is it seemed you only married because she was pregnant. She came running to you and you took her back. Did you think the baby would gain the trust back? Babies don't fix relationships.

If she loves you so much she wouldn't be in touch with this other guy saying she misses him. Why does she miss him so? Does she need friendship? Tell her to find some women to get friendships with. She kept it a secret before you married and it's a secret again. What's that tell you?

You need to just sit down and openly ask her and get it out on the table. Tell her you have trust issues. Let her know your concern who the father is. If she is 100% sure then she shouldn't be offended.

From what your saying I don't think it looks good. She shouldn't be in contact with this other guy. He was part of the problem to start. Why would she bring that back in to the relationship?

I just read "Radio's" signature line and would like to know how old she is. I think that might explain her advice.

Sorry for my cheater thing and if you would like to know my age I'm actually 12 almost 13. But I'm pretty smart and very educated. I just like to share my thoughts and opinions. Although I may be young I just thought some of my advice would important. Please don't judge me.

I agree with Sunflower saying that the relationship would never have happened again, if not for the child. Having a child does not 'fix' anything.

It won't make a dishonest person honest, or solve any problems, or change a person's character. Having babies are not the answer to a successful marriage.

While you will have a lifelong bond with your child (if it is yours- please do a DNA analysis), there is nothing set in concrete that says you must suddenly accept your wife's cheating.

You can't live a miserable life just because you have a baby, it does not erase the past, or pave a future of love and matrimonial bliss.

It is not impossible to work through the problems. People who cheat do not always remain cheaters, all of their lives. Some grow up, accept responsibility, choose a different lifestyle, and remain perfectly happy with one mate.

But it won't happen without a lot of hard work. Marriage counselling would help a great deal here. Get the cards out on the table, and forge a new path if she is willing.

Maintain civility and try your best not to be accusatory and angry toward her. Give her a chance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RadioActive697

Sorry for my cheater thing and if you would like to know my age I'm actually 12 almost 13. But I'm pretty smart and very educated. I just like to share my thoughts and opinions. Although I may be young I just thought some of my advice would important. Please dont judge me.

I think you would be better off giving advice in the teenage forums.

Sorry, please don't be offended, but I don't think you have the maturity, wisdom or life experience to be advising someone about love, marriage, paternity, infidelity or forgiveness.

I don't feel as positive about this situation as some of the other posters. The building blocks just don't seem to be there for a solid marriage.

You suspected her of cheating before marriage and she seemed to prefer one of the other guys to you, you broke up, suddenly she gets pregnant and decides the child is yours, you get married, now a year later she's secretly texting the other guy and telling him that she misses him.

I don't see much commitment here. I don't see much respect. I don't see much integrity.

I suspect that you'll need to let her know you overheard her speaking to this other guy. You'll need to ask her what her commitment is to the marriage and to raising your (?) child together. (A paternity test would be useful, I suggest.)

Finally, you'll need to ask yourself if you can stay with someone that you don't trust - unless she is willing to work on building her commitment.

I actually had a similar situation except my ex-wife cheated on me while pregnant with our son. I forgave her and married her anyway. Two years later she cheated on me again with another guy. I put my son first and decided to stay. Four years later guess what, she did it again with yet another guy. This time I filed for divorce. After our separation I found out about two other guys while we were together.

I think you need a paternity test first off. Just going by dates is risky. There is no way to know if she is/was telling you the truth about "just holding hands". If she was wanting to work things out with you she would take your concerns and wishes to heart and not contact these other guys. If there is no trust in a relationship then there is nothing to build on. I believe you don't 100% trust her or you wouldn't be asking this question. I would first make sure the child is yours then go from there. If you don't trust her and/or you're not happy then divorce is probably what you need.

Gve her a antor chanc it may help you and for your son
Its up to you but go with your heart and ask yourself even no your mad do you love her

Xx good luck xx
Advise,online

Quote:

Originally Posted by onlinehelp

Gve her a antor chanc it may help you and for your son
its up to you but go with your heart and ask yourself even no your mad do you love her

xx good luck xx
advise,online

What is antor chanc?