I am looking for an "amicable" divorce.

I am 50, been married for 20 years. I have 2 children (14, 10), live in NY. My wife & I never fight, we also never agree, she does her thing I do mine. We haven't had sex in
10 yrs. Kids are a bit older now... I need to get on w/ my life
How do I gear her toward a mediator, My intentions are to do the right thing, I also do not want to get raped financially. Any suggestions. (btw she doesn't work)

I get the impression that you absolutely have not mentioned divorce to her. I also get the impression that you have lost the line of communication between you two and a lot has fallen between the cracks. I love your terminology 'raped financially' when you are the one who wants to separate. So, she doesn't work, what does that mean? It means she has been staying home and looking after the kids and raising them. I am glad you want to do the right thing.

I suggest you sit down and have a discussion with her on where the two of you are going in your relationship, not in earshot of the kids.

Probably expect some very angry words and hurt feelings but this is to be expected if this is what you want to discuss and what you will have to put up with until the two of you resolve amicably.

Get this part over and done with because we can't help you until you do.

Ms tickle

I am sure your idea of "raped" and the courts idea of "fair" will be a lot different.

But first why not work on the current relationship, counseling, and more.

But the first step is to talk to your wife and see if the two of you can just agree.

You an expect to pay @ 25 to 30 percent of your pay as child support,
You also can expect to pay maybe another 10 percent or more as support. And she will get 1/2 of retirement accounts and money in the bank and 1/2 of the home.

So counseling and keeping the marriage is going to be a lot cheaper

Thank you, bad choice of word. I had initiated counseling on more than one occasion, which didn't fair all that well. At the time the decision was made that we would stay together for the kids. It's tough, especially around the Holidays living separate lives. Its been so long. It's got to be having an adverse affect on the children, as they can surely sense and see the absence of love. Just want to start new and am looking for someone that has gone through a similar relationship or "lack of".

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Originally Posted by PBIII

thank you, bad choice of word. I had initiated counseling on more than one occasion, which didn't fair all that well. at the time the decision was made that we would stay together for the kids. it's tough, especially around the Holidays living seperate lives. Its been so long. It's got to be having an adverse affect on the children, as they can surely sense and see the absence of love. Just want to start new and am looking for someone that has gone through a similar relationship or "lack of".

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Are you looking for legal advice, relationship divorce, moral support, someone to have contact with?

I'm confused.

If you are unhappy and want to move on, then file for divorce and move on. No matter what you and she decide (including what a mediator recomends) the Court will have the final say.

And, yes, I was divorced once upon a time.

There is something else your going to have to consider and that is what's going to happen to the children. Right now you see them on a daily basis of some kind and can attend functions etc. All that may disappear if you decide divorce is "best" for your situation. Another thing is that since she has no job outside of the home you can expect to pay her lawyer fees for the divorce and since you can't agree its going to be very messy. Since your children are not grown its going to cost a lot if not everything. And what your spending is your children's future while you and your "ex" play games in court. Just something to think about.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Are you looking for legal advice, relationship divorce, moral support, someone to have contact with?

I'm confused.

If you are unhappy and want to move on, then file for divorce and move on. No matter what you and she decide (including what a mediator recomends) the Court will have the final say.

And, yes, I was divorced once upon a time.

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I am sure you didn't dither about it either, JKT, I didn't when all was said and done and wanted it just DONE. I didn't have kids at the time so it was easy after the decision was made. But the fact remains, OP is not happy and making everyone unhappy. Wiife won't have money for a lawyer, so this will have to be amicable and money settled on her, but if all is done properly, this guy won't be taken to the 'cleaners'. He can make it suitable for everyone if he wants to.

Tick

In NY the settlement is by formula, by Statute - grounds don't matter. I see the settlement being according to the law, no other factors considered.

I don't see him being taken to the cleaners - of course, doesn't every divorced person think they've been taken to the cleaners?

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

In NY the settlement is by formula, by Statute - grounds don't matter. I see the settlement being according to the law, no other factors considered.

I don't see him being taken to the cleaners - of course, doesn't every divorced person think they've been taken to the cleaners?

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I guess that depends on what type of cleaners it is.. lol. In Calif if a marriage lasts longer then 10 years you could end up paying alimony for a lifetime. To me that's unfair. It should never last longer then the marriage did. So I guess its from which side you look at it and the law as it applies to you.

NY is somewhat more fair - spousal support is intended to get the non-working or spouse with the smaller income back on his/her feet and then - poof, it ends.

I think I got taken to the cleaners. My X thinks HE got taken to the cleaners. Lots of cleaners out there, apparently.