Ask Me Help Desk - I know before marrige that my fianc? Has relation with other man

Hi,
I am living in England for a long time now. I am 30 years old male and Muslim. 2 years back I came in contact with a girl in Morocco. We continued meeting over internet and speaking over phone for almost 9 months. Then I decided to go and meet her. In our first meeting, I realized from her shyness that she was never been with anyone else. But just before returning back to UK, she tried to have sex with me. I lost control a bit but managed to come back in senses before late. That was un-expected for me. I am virgin and she told me she is virgen as well. I was not expecting this boldness from a virgin girl who is well covered and cultured. I showed my anger but she made me calm down.
Now we have been together for almost 2 years. During all this time, when ever I think about that moment, I loose my mind as if I have lost trust on her and thinks that she is not virgin or she must have someone in her past. But of course she cannot tell me about her past.

I went to to ask scholar to do Istekhara (a prayer to know about the past or future related to any work or person) for the marriage (this is something you provide man/womens name along with their mother name. I believe it is only practiced in in India/Pakistan). In this Istekhara, the scholar told me that she has currently relation with other man. I don't know if she has physical relation or just contacts. I can expect that an average women may get many proposals or contacts from different man in her life and she can be in contact with them over chat or phone. I don't mind. But it is un bearable for me that my finance have any physical realtion with any man other than me. I am in UK and she is in Morocco.
I don't wanted to believe on that scholar but I don't know what to do. I have many questions in my mind now about her character and intentions of marrying me. We are from different cultures. After all this I don't know if she will stand with me leaving her culture behind in my bad times and is she is marrying me just to come over to UK.

What should I do? I want to marry her but my mind is in confusion.

Please give me any advise.

Ok, it was OK for you to be bold and almost lose control, to sexual desire, but let me see a women is not suppose to have sexual desires??

This is the silliest thing I have heard on this site in months. Women also like and want sex and they have desires just like men, So she really liked you, had a connection and wanted you to be the one she had sex with first. This is modern honesty,

If you want to live in a life style of 500 years ago where women are property and don't need or have any desires of their own, go ahead but save this girl from it, since she deserves better for being honest.

And let me see you went to a fortune teller, who told you what they figured you already thought, and you most likely paid them to tell you this.

No, do not marry this woman. She deserves a man who will trust her.

Like FrChuck said, you are living in 2010 but caught up in the arrogance and self-righteousness of a ancient patriarchal way of thinking that men are superior to women and that a woman is a man's property. In the civilized world, women are equal to men and have the same rights to love and happiness that men do. Until you believe this, you will not have a successful relationship with any woman.

FrChuck and Wondergril, how can I take all this hate out from my mind and heart?

I am certain that living in England you work or deal with women on a daily basis. How do you act/relate to them?

How old is this 'girl'?

Quote:

Originally Posted by pingpong292

how can I take all this hate out from my mind and heart?

This is the essence of your question. It is about you, not her. Focus on your own heart and mind and get rid of the hatred. That is the proper way of jihad, not external but internal strife.

You need to learn how to love, so that you may love yourself and others and eventually your wife (not this acquaintance). In western society, the simplest way to learn is to get a pet, something totally dependent on you for everything. Providing everything will teach you how to give of yourself, which you must be able to do before you can love anything.

Dogs are the best pets for learning these things; their feedback is simple and direct. I have had dogs my entire life, so I may be biased, but I would advise you to get a pet and develop your love for a year or so before trying marriage.

I respect your desire to remain a virgin until you are married, and also your desire to marry a virgin, but at 30 years of age, and after living in the UK, you must see how unrealistic this expectation is. In fact, your expectations of what a woman should be and how a woman should feel are totally unrealistic. Why shouldn't she have sexual feelings? I'll bet you do.

In reality you DON'T know if your fiancée has had a sexual relationship with another man. You don't know this at all! The only way that you would know this for certain is if she had told you this, which she hasn't. So you base your assumption of the fact that she tried to be affectionate with you when you saw her in Morocco and a prediction made by a 'scholar'.

Part of the problem is you have been celibate too long and so sex has become a huge issue in your mind. Even if you married this woman sex would be an issue for you - particularly if , heaven forbid, she initiated it and enjoyed it - you would never be able to adjust to a woman with normal sexual appetites and would always believe there was some other 'darker' reason behind this.

You need to look deep into your heart. Why do you want to believe ill of this woman who has done you no harm? Why do you want to project all your distrust and prejudice on to her? Ask yourself sincerely if you are ready for marriage with a REAL human being.

I would not marry this woman as you already have too many doubts and she does not meet your unrealistic demands of virginal perfection.

However, please take the time to pause and reflect on this - do you really like and respect women? Why is the hate in your mind and heart directed at them?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemini54

Why is the hate in your mind and heart directed at them?

For some reason I couldn't give you a greenie -- wouldn't click onto the page and your post. I had said: "Great response! It has been the cultural/religious (born of patriarchal mindset) thinking for centuries -- the male is forgiven by the elders, but his female sexual partner is beheaded."

That's true to some degree even in Christian countries and societies.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

For some reason I couldn't give you a greenie -- wouldn't click onto the page and your post. I had said: "Great response! It has been the cultural/religious (born of patriarchal mindset) thinking for centuries -- the male is forgiven by the elders, but his female sexual partner is beheaded."

That's true to some degree even in Christian countries and societies.

Thanks Wondergirl - sadly misogyny is alive and well - in all cultures!

Female sexuality has never been accepted or understood - whether it be the western magazines with big titted blonde bimbos splashed all over their covers or the women covered from head to toe with the burka in some cultures.

PingPong2, I respect your desire for sexual purity in your life. I congratulate you on your accomplishment.

I must remind you that a healthy sex life with your wife will be based on your desire to please her and her desire to please you. Sex is an important issue, but it is not, cannot be THE ISSUE. Your commitment to one another today and forward should take priority.

There is not hate in your mind, there is uncertainty. It requires additional work on your part to intentionally turn it into hate and cruelty.

If you're seeking a mate, regardless of your religion, my prayer for you is that remember that the gift you receive in marriage is your mate for life, not just her prior fealty. If you get that, too, great, fine, but it cannot be the requirement for someone who is seeking a life of tenderness and connectivity to another person.

Marry someone who shares your faith, your goals, your heart and your affection for one another. You can build a lifetime with that person, regardless of the past... yours or hers.

Take this time, to make your decision whether to marry her, to really evaluate what you want from a partner.

It isn't up to me to say that you are wrong or misguided in how you see this situation, although I would hope that there is some felxibility in your thinking to allow for the possibility that you could very well be wrong about her.

On the other hand, marriage for citizenship is hardly a new problem. Try to think about that as well, and consider that it may very well be true that she is using you to gain entry to your country.

Above all, if you are not convinced that this relationship is going to be a lasting one based on trust, then please don't fall into the trap of finding fault with her, just to get out of it.

Admit that it is not a comfortable 'fit' for such a huge step, and either wait, or call everything off.