Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend likes porn not me

I'm a 48-yo woman. My "boyfriend" is 42. We've been together for 5.5 years. He's definitely not as assertive sexually now as in the beginning. He's very sweet, loving, and giving. But it seems he'd rather look at porn than have sex with me. We have different work shifts, so when I'm at work, he surfs porn on the net. But when we're together, he doesn't MENTION sex and he certainly doesn't make any moves. I pulled his boxers down the other night to get frisky and he actually said, "what are you doing?". "What am I doing?"!! Men wonder why women have low self-esteem. It's because of this bullcrap. As you can tell, I am beginning to strongly resent him for this. And yes, I've communicated this to him. He attempts to convince me (more like himself) that porn doesn't affect our relationship. Well, sure it does ! Are men THAT stupid?! When a woman commits herself to a man, they expect to be their one and only; their "it" girl. How can you be their "it" girl when they're so interested in viewing porn? You can't. So all you men out there, do you want a girlfriend or do you want porn ?

Both! And a lot more!!

Is this all he does in his spare time? If so how sad-it sounds like an addiction-not healthy. No addiction ever is. Does he have any other hobbies?
What do the two of you do when you have time off together?

Quote:

Originally Posted by greenEyeBlonde

i'm a 48-yo woman. my "boyfriend" is 42. we've been together for 5.5 years. He's definitely not as assertive sexually now as in the beginning. He's very sweet, loving, and giving. But it seems he'd rather look at porn than have sex with me. We have different work shifts, so when I'm at work, he surfs porn on the net. But when we're together, he doesn't MENTION sex and he certainly doesn't make any moves. I pulled his boxers down the other night to get frisky and he actually said, "what are you doing?". "What am I doing?" !!!!! Men wonder why women have low self-esteem. It's because of this bullcrap. As you can tell, I am beginning to strongly resent him for this. And yes, I've communicated this to him. He attempts to convince me (more like himself) that porn doesn't affect our relationship. Well, sure it does ! Are men THAT stupid ??!! When a woman commits herself to a man, they expect to be their one and only; their "it" girl. How can you be their "it" girl when they're so interested in viewing porn ?! You can't. So all you men out there, do you want a girlfriend or do you want porn ?

First off, I resent the blanket statement "...all you men.." I am married, and my wife has a smile on her face because of her knowing that she is loved, and is sexually satisfied.

And I too, look at porn from time to time. But I prefer the real thing, in the flesh. With the one I married, the woman I love.

It just sounds like you found one that has a problem with a porn addiction. He needs help with it. Try porn addicts anonymous.

Porn addiction is growing rapidly, mainly due to the internet.

Never let one person kill yourself esteem.

You need to make a change if you are not satisfied. Because things like this usually get worse before they get better.

Turn your frustration to the one that earned it.

Not to "ALL" anyone.

I know what to do when my drawers are pulled down...

Your story is really sad. Porn addiction is spreading rapidly since it became so readily available on the internet.

Just remember that his porn addiction doesn't have anything to do with you not being a desirable lady - it only has to do with him. I'm sure he doesn't want sex with you when you get home because he's already taken care of it (if you know what I mean).

I know you can't force him to, but he really needs to have some counseling.

And of course the whole problem has to be porn addiction. Having conflicting schedules couldn't be a factor?

Quote:

I pulled his boxers down the other night to get frisky and he actually said, "what are you doing?".

You should have told him to shut up, and done the deed, instead of arguing. What's he going to do? Run outside with his draws at his ankles?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You should have told him to shut up, and done the deed, instead of arguing. Whats he gonna do? Run outside with his draws at his ankles?

Funny as this is, if women want to be taken seriously when we say "no," I think we have to give men the same respect. Besides, who wants to force someone? Most people want to be wanted.

Point taken, but mine is that there is more to this than just porn. I know that's the easiet target, but seldom is porn, or sex, an issue just by itself. Most times it only distracts from whatever the real problem is, a communication breakdown, or a real conflict in another area of the relationship.

The porn has provided your husband with an alternative to a sexual relationship with you.

I say this because he is a sweet, loyal and loving man as you said. But this part of him has put a wedge in the relationship.

I think you are speaking more from hurt and rejection rather than painting all men with the same brush.

There are things you can do. The fist and most important, is getting his attention, so you can sit and rationally discuss how his use of porn affects you. Get it all out, and try not to use hurtful or accusatory statements.

Be reasonable, and honest. If he's using porn 24/7, and is refusing to respect your concerns and change his behaviour, then I would personally insist on counselling to get to the bottom of it.

Let him talk, and listen to what he is saying. Agree to disagree after that first serious talk, and plan another time together in a week, to discuss the first meeting.

In the meanwhile, don't say a word. Don't put any pressure on him, or get angry, or sarcastic, and try not to let your hurt feelings take over a rational plan.

If you can talk together enough to establish that there are issues that need addressed, beyond the porn, that would be the time to seek counselling.

One step at a time, together, and you can fix this problem, and get back on track again.

.

Quote:

We have different work shifts, so when I'm at work, he surfs porn on the net. But when we're together, he doesn't MENTION sex and he certainly doesn't make any moves.

After 5 years your sex life is tied to the way you feel about each other, and the things you do with each other that keeps the bonds strong and enjoyable. That way you can have the open honest communications it takes to identify and deal with any problem, and make adjustments. I suspect there are no kids (since he has time to surf the net all day, and whack off) and since neither of you is a spring chicken, I expect you to be making other plans to bond as people, and build the relationship through communications and activities.

Make love to each others minds, and the body will follow.

Why waste precious time arguing about what he does when your at work, when it could be better spent reconnecting on a mental level?