Hi... err... I'm a 16 year old girl and over the summer my parents split up, my dad had been seeing another woman and my mum and him had not been getting on for a while and then my mum found out about this other woman and a lot of stuff happened that even now I'm finding hard to deal with and I'm not sure quite whether to write it on here or not. Since then my dad has moved out and me my 12 year old sister and my 8 year old brother have been swapping houses on weeknights and weekends. Im finding it really stressful and emotionally draining, I love my parents dearly but I can't face wither of them at the moment. When I'm at my mums she is emotional and why abou my dad and his girlfriend (who is actually lovely) but when I'm at my dads its not home and its uncomfortable and I still feel that the whole situation is quite a lot of the time, is fault. My mum has been getting better but since its christmas it has suddenly taken a turn for the worse, up to the point where I had to stand between my two parents to stop my dad hitting my mum and my mum attacking my dads girlfriend. I had to hold my little sister for an hour afterwards to calm her down. After this my mum thought that I was siding with my father so threw me out, sent me to my dads. I have AS modules coming up and it feels like I am so stuck, I can't revise or do any work when I'm surrounded by this and I seem to have become a surrogate mother. Its becoming too much and I don't know what to do. I have to stay strong for my brother and sister but sometimes I just cant! I need to talk and I need some advise on how to deal with it.

Thanks :)

First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am that you are in this situation. You are in the same situation my little girls are in right now, but luckily they are only 6 and 3, so it is easier for them, although I know that it affects them more than I can tell.

Do you have any relatives in your area? Any friends or family that you, and possibly your sister and brother can move in with temporarily just to get you through your tests are through? (I'm American, so I'm guessing that's what AS modules are). Or maybe you can talk to your mom about staying in one house until they are over?

I know what your parents are feeling right now. Your dad is probably for the most part, feeling pretty OK. He has already found someone that makes him happy and he doesn't have to deal with your mother and all of the emotions that she is struggling with right now. His biggest concern right now is no doubt, his children. He knows that your mother's present state right now is going to be adding stress to you guys, but I'm sure that even now, (especially now), he still does care about your mom, and knows that you guys are all that she has left and will need to cling to you, so he doesn't want to keep you from her. Sorry if I am rambling, but like I said, we're in the same boat, kid.

Your mother right now isn't thinking clearly. To her, she hates your dad's girlfriend simply because he loves her and not your mom anymore. Have you ever had a crush, but he liked someone else? We all have. Well, now imagine that your crush loved you back. It's a wonderful feeling to be loved. Then you get married, create life together, and then all of a sudden, the love that you were so sure of, isn't there anymore, and not only that, has been given to someone else. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I can tell you that she will eventually try to hold her tongue about your dad's girlfriend, at least in front of you, but will often be unable to do so. Please have patience with her and understand that she is acting out her hurt and confusion.

You, however need to gather your strength and talk to your mom. If there is anything that your mother can care about right now, it's her children. Explain to her that you are worried about being able to concentrate on your schoolwork. If nothing else, trying to find you the peace you need to get your work done, might give her something else to focus on other than her own situation. If you can't talk to her, are you close to your maternal grandparents? If you can talk to them, maybe they can talk to her?

Another solution needs to be arrived at about your living situation. Changing houses so much isn't good for anybody involved.

I really hope that things get better for you, honey. Hang in there.

Which one of your parents is most likely to see reason? You need to sit them down and have a quiet talk with them to let them know how stressed you're feeling and the effect that it's having on you emotionally and physically.

They are so caught up in 'their 'stuff' that they can't see you're having a difficult time as well, and they will only understand what's happening to you if you, or someone else tells them.

If you think that you can't speak with either of your parents - is there an aunt, uncle or grandparent that you can speak with who can then speak to one of your parents?

If you are unable to do either of these things, then perhaps you can write them a letter each and explain how distressing this all is for you.

Let them know that you love them both and are not taking sides, but that they have to be putting their children's well-being first, not their squabbles with each other.

Be patient, hopefully they will work it out!

This is not fair to be put into this situation,
Parents if they want to divorce need to just divorce and not get the kids involved in any fight.

You need to love each of your parents for who they are, and while it is not "home" right now, home is where you are with family and loved ones, not one specific house, I have had dozens of houses over the years, home is where I am living at the time.

So love each, and try to respect each during this.

I was in a similar situation, many years ago. My father left for another woman, and it turned my mother into a monster.

I realize now that her behaviour was a direct result of what he did, and she couldn't be faulted for normal human reaction to such a devastating blow. She was so wound up with confusion, betrayal, and abandonment, she couldn't see straight.

That eventually turned around, and her priorities (all us girls) came back into focus. What I'm saying is, if her behaviour now is not her usual self, she too may turn around.

I think in a way that you are lucky your dad is very much in the picture for you kids (mine wasn't for the next 20 years), and you are in a safe place. You are taking care of the emotional needs of your brother and sister, and it sounds like your dad is trying too.

While I agree that you are thrown into this with no say in the matter, realize that your mother is hurting, and will need time to heal. It helps that you like your father's girlfriend. Down the road that will be one more adult in your life that will hopefully have a positive influence.

Try not to understand this, or overly think about it if you can, because it is a fireball right now, and the outcome and duration is out of your hands to influence. There is nothing you can do to predict what will come next, and you cannot fix anything.

What you can control is to not be drawn into their arguments, which is most likely to continue for a while, and the extreme emotion going on. You are wise not to take sides, and let them sort their business out.

I am sorry that you feel blame for this, and in time you will realize that you had no control or foresight that would have allowed you to change the outcome of what was to happen.

Stay strong, help your brother and sister the best you can for now, and I promise you things will get easier.

I hope you'll post again

I don't have any realatives who live nearby but I have lots of friends who have been really lovely and I think if it weren't for them I would have given up a long time ago.
One of the things that really gets me is thatit has turned my mum into someone really unpleasant to be around and although I try to be tollerent there is only so much I can handle before I have tosay that enough is enough! I know that there is no way that I can understand the way that she is feeling at the moment but I know when something is wrong and even in her emotional state can't be excused and the oter night was one of them. Whenever I do anything that is remotely against her she immediately assumes that I am taking sides! I'm not one of those people who can stand there and watch something happen, especially when I just want to stop them hurting, I can't bear to see people hurting especially my own parents. I don't know how to make her see that I'm not against her.

What you might want to do is consider writing her a letter.

You express yourself very well, and I'm sure you will writing to her as well. It would be a good way to have her 'hear' what you have to say, without listening to her cut you off and accuse you of being on the other side.

Usually its adults that need to be told to set boundaries with kids, not the other way around!

I see nothing wrong in saying much of what you have already written in your posts. She may not be ready to agree with what you have said, but, she will respect you for saying it I think.

You will go through your ups and downs yourself, and feel good one day, and the next like you've lost all you've gained. It is good that you have lots of friends around you who are there when you need them. I'm sure you'd be there for them too.

One more thing you may want to wish to do, is keep a diary of sorts. Put your private thoughts to pen and paper, and at the end of the day, write out your thoughts. During the day, this will help you not be pre occupied with emotion when it hits you; just tell yourself that you'll save it for your diary.

Writing it out will help you. If not immediately, but down the road a bit. When you read it, you will see and understand why you felt the way you did, and also how far you've come.

It is not unreasonable to want to be heard, especially during times like this. Gentle, meaningful words go a long way.

Thanks :) that's a good idea, I think that it will help to write it down, especially since that was one of the reasons I was writing on here in the first place, just to get it out but also because talking to friends is all good but they are all of the same age, mostly, and don't offer quite as varied opinions as might be necessary.

You're a smart kid LittleAmy.

Keep us posted.