My 18 years old son is ripping my heart apart. He demands things of me such as ironing, washing, food, etc. yet when he speaks to me totally disrespects me and picks on me for every little thing I do. It seems everything I do is wrong in his eyes. When I confront him about his behaviour he just tells me he doesn't want to talk about it and to f.. Off. I have had enough. He is the same to my husband and his sister. We tell him to pack his bags and move out - but he more or less just ignores us. I love him - but he has always been a handfull. Has ADHD also. Tries to be tough all the time and does not use his manners around us. To other people he is total opposite. They tell us he is very nice, friendly and a lovely person. How do we get him to respect us (me, his dad and sister) I have tried all different tactics but nothing seems to get through to him.

It sounds like it may be time that you dish out some tough love.

Like you said in your post he has manners, he just makes a choice not to use them.

He is 18 years of age a young man, stop running around after him and make him do the stuff for himself. He has no right to address and talk to you and your husband in the way he is, yet alone use swear words towards you.

Please do not get me wrong but you have allowed him to act this way, now its time to take the bull by the horns and put a stop to it.

Talk to him and explain that you will be doing nothing until he grows up and acts his age and gets some manners and respects you his father and the house you live in.

Hello m:

He's an adult. Put him on the street. Ain't NOBODY going to talk to me like that in MY house.

excon

It is easy to get into a rut, and do even more for a person to take the edge of their disrespectful ways, but it will never be enough.

ADHD, and immaturity to not preclude some people to abusing others, and the behaviour being somehow okay. No excuses. Particularly in light of knowing that he treats everybody else differently and much better than he does you.

You are only obligated to a certain age to provide food, shelter, clothing. When you have raised a child with the skills they need to live life on their own, it's time to let them go.

When the tables turn, and you are being treated like the child, and the child is in control, you have to put a stop to it.

You are not doing your son any favours in allowing him NOT to grow up. What kind of man he will become now, depends upon what you expect of him.

If he were mine, he'd be given notice, his bags would be packed, and he'd be given, at the most, a week to find suitable accommodation elsewhere.

He will have to leave sometime, and it may as well be under your directive, while you still have some dignity intact.

The abuse will continue, only as long as you allow it.

Go to your local magistrate and serve him with an eviction notice.

So why are you doing his laundy and the such, let them pile up in his room and he can do them, you are not a servant and in no way should let a child try to force you to do anything.

Next evict him, waaaaaa, was he does not listen to you, since he has learned over the years, you threaten but never do anything, so either evict him

You and your husband apparently cave in easily to this little bully. Stop him in his tracks by evicting him legally. Just having ADHD is not an excuse for treating one's parents like garbage. But that's exactly what he's been doing for years now. It's easy to become a victim to a bully but it is very hard to stop the bully. Get tough and you and your husband stick together.

If you don't modify his nasty behavior now he's definitely going to treat the women in his life like garbage as he's had plenty of practice on you and your husband.

As far as ironing - no.
Food preparation - maybe.
Washing his clothes - show him the washer and dryer and if needed post operating instructions on the wall above both machines on how to run them.

You and your husband are the parents - not him. Until you come to the crashing realization that he is not the parent you will never be able to change his behavior towards you.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I acknowledge that we have probably let him get away with this for too long (trying to keep the peace). I have told him he will be doing his own laundry from now on and we will not tolerate anymore rudeness, swearing or abuse. His behaviour has improved and he knows he is on thin ice, as far as moving out. His dad and I are sticking together on this and "we need to STAY STRONG".

I'm glad that you've made this decision to "stick together"... but you MUST back up your words. You must be strong and if he does violate this verbal agreement to not be rude, swear, etc, you MUST follow up on your words and act.

If you gave him an ultimatum be prepared to act upon it. Now is the time to stand up for yourself and your family...

I'm proud that you made that hard ultimatum. It's YOUR home. Stand up for it. Good show.

Best of luck.

That's easy, quit doing things for him. You owe him NOTHING after the behavior he has shown to you and the rest of the family. Tell him to do it himself, and then DON'T do it.
I do my own laundry, rarely use the dishes, but when I do, I load them in the dishwasher.
When he tells you to f*** off, then tell him that that kind of behavior is exactly WHY you're not doing it, and leave the room. Don't even listen to his crap, you've heard enough of it.

I saw the ADHD excuse in the high school classroom as such a manipulative way to excuse horrible rudeness. Those kids learn how to get away with being labeled different to their advantage. Your son is not dumb about this.

I saw another post that had to do with taking away his rights to his car. This must be the ultimate punishment for a teenager that wants his freedom.

Even with my young kids, if they don't do their chores, they are not allowed to do anything until it is done. They even know how to fold and put away their laundry when they are little.

Don't do anything for him-forget it. Even if he is good, I wouldn't budge a finger for him. He is old enough to take care of himself. It's different when you have a responsibility to someone to be charitable, but with defiance, your son lost all rights. Does he have a job? Has he ever had to work to appreciate what he has?

Hi rosemcs - yes he is an apprentice plumber - has worked since the age of 12 mowing lawns and saved for a car. He knows how to do laundry, housework, etc. He is just rude to us at times which really upsets me. Anyway, he is doing his own laundry now and I am not taking anymore rudeness. He is 18 now and I think he is just trying to prove to us that he is a man. I know this shows his immaturity.

Hmmmmmmmmm. Have you tried German Shepherds?