Ask Me Help Desk

Ask Me Help Desk (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum.php)
-   Relationships (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forumdisplay.php?f=277)
-   -   Most confusing break up. Why would he do this? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=428245)

  • Dec 26, 2009, 01:44 AM
    Conformist138
    Most confusing break up. Why would he do this?
    I've had break-ups before, some worse than others. Like most (normal) people, I have some exes I'm friends with still, some I never want to see again, and some that I just don't see because we moved on. None of my previous relationship experience prepared me for this (sorry if it's long, there's a lot of strange details):

    I was dating a guy for about 2 months. It was wonderful, I can honestly say he was the best boyfriend I have ever had, I saw real potential in the relationship. Despite the short length of the relationship, he and I had hit it off beautifully and clicked in every way from day one. He one day asked if I would try his homemade biscotti and, of course, I said I would love to. To do something nice for him, I offered to cook him dinner when he came over that Saturday. Instead, he offered to cook for me. He said to sit back and relax, he would do everything. I bragged to my friends that my boyfriend was so sweet and wonderful and they were all jealous that I'd found someone so great (the friends who had met him really liked him, they thought he was a ton of fun and really good for me).

    So, Saturday comes and I spent part of the day making him homemade pumpkin christmas cookies and was making sure his presents were wrapped so he couldn't peak at them. He came in my house, kissed me hello, and began heating up the food he brought (cooked at his house, brought to mine, though I didn't know why at the time). Before dinner was served, he ushered me into the living room and closed the door. He looked into my eyes and said, "*My Full Name*, I love you". It was the first time he said it and, even though I was surprised at how soon he said it in the relationship, I had fallen head over heels for him, so I said, "I love you, too!"

    Then, right then, in nearly the same heartbeat as my own "I love you" to him, he told me our relationship was over because of another girl. He was in love with a friend and was going to be with her. I kicked him out of my house immediately. Going back in the kitchen (after sobbing into a pillow), I looked into the bag he had brought over. In addition to bringing dinner and biscottie, there was a book of mine he had borrowed, some large chocolate bars, and a note. The note described, again, how much he loved this other girl. He'd known her from his university classes and they were "best friends" (even though I'd never heard him mention her before). She, it seems, confessed her love for him (despite his having a girlfriend) and he realized he'd denied his own love for her for too long and he needed her right away. He claimed he was "honorable" since he hadn't actually slept with her yet. On the bag of biscotti he, for some reason, had felt the need to write a funny little poem about wishing someone happiness all year long. How he was able to use a sense of humor on a bag of break up cookies is beyond me.

    He also texted me several times that night (eventually taking my silence as a hint). He told me he needed this other girl, he loved her so much it burned, and that he wanted to be there for me. He wanted to be "emotionally supportive" and told me to "not hold it all in." He wants us to be friends. I emailed him (because there was some unfinished business about accidental damage to my floor he had previously caused but not yet fixed) and I told him we weren't friends, that leaving for someone else is a ty thing to do, and that I was devastated by his "I love you", which seemed like a really dirty rotten stunt to pull. He didn't need to cook for me or bring me chocolate, he didn't need to write silly poems, and he for sure didn't need to describe to me how much more he loved this other girl.

    In his responses, he has said he is sad that I haven't acknowledged how hard this whole thing was on him and that he still thinks we should be supportive of each other and remain close. He said that talking about who did what wrong was "not constructive."

    I hate that I love him. I said it because I meant it and I felt safe and secure with him. He was the perfect boyfriend until the second he dumped me. For some reason, he really doesn't understand why I can't be friends with him after this or why I don't believe he can be in THAT much pain considering he's with someone else.

    I know asking "Why????" isn't always helpful, but in this case I can't get it out of my head. Why would anyone think breaking up in this elaborate and misleading fashion would do anything but cause more hurt and anger? Why is he so stuck on us being friends despite my insistence that it just hurts too much to talk to him? And why why WHY would anyone think to tell their girlfriend they love her for the very first time when they knew they were seconds away from jilting her? I don't verbalize my emotions easily, having him walk away like that at the moment of the first "I love you" was every one of my worst nightmares come true. Walking away into the arms of another woman has added cruel insult to a painful injury. Doing it less than a week before Christmas gave the added benefit of my having to deal with the cookies I baked him and the presents I got him as well as the fact that I took New Year's Eve off work for him and now I'm facing that night on my own. I love him, I miss him, and I can't get him (or his sudden, baffling behavior) out of my mind. How does such a wonderful, sweet guy turn so bizarre so quickly? He always seemed good socially, not the kind of person who would make such obviously bad choices.
  • Dec 26, 2009, 02:56 AM
    amicon
    I'm sorry you're hurting. Sometimes I think we just have to accept that people are strange and there can be no understanding what's going on in their heads.
    Don't even think of being friends-go no contact and never speak to him again.
    Take care of you now and work on forgetting him.
  • Dec 26, 2009, 05:26 AM
    J. Sparks

    I see it like this.

    He really enjoyed your companionship and had thoughts of making something of it together.
    But he finally realized his deeper feelings that he still had for someone else.
    He tried to love you to point where he cooked dinner and tried to be romantic and he told you that he loved you
    But after vocalizing the words he realized his own inner truth.

    He has deeper feelings for this university girl and he's been in denial over it.

    Was it that bad ? Did you enjoy your 2 months together ?
    Why not just continue to love him what's wrong with that ?

    You enjoyed his company and his affection.
    Keep it as a special memory and let it go.. .

    Just don't take him back if he comes running again ;)

    .Jay
  • Dec 26, 2009, 06:30 AM
    Amy Marie

    The whole story is just terrible. The only thing I can say is you will learn from this. Life teaches us hard lessons. Sometimes we see what we want to see. Is not really there. We have all been in your spot at some point in our lives. I had a boyfriend I was suppose to marry, leave me for one of my co-workers. The three of us worked together. I would have to watch their new relationship right in front of me. They moved in together... then eventually she dumped him, he had a wandering eye. The truth of the matter is we all learn from these difficult moments. I eventually met an honest man. We got married, bought a home and had a little girl. I have never been so loved in all my life. The guy who dumped me 12 years ago, is still alone. You too will meet someone that respects and loves you with all their heart. It may take time, but in the end, it is worth the wait.
    Please don't give this guy another thought. What comes around goes around. Someday, he will feel the heartache that you endured.
    Hang in there!!
  • Dec 26, 2009, 08:18 AM
    Conformist138
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by J. Sparks View Post
    I see it like this.

    He really enjoyed your companionship and had thoughts of making something of it together.
    But he finally realized his deeper feelings that he still had for someone else.
    He tried to love you to point where he cooked dinner and tried to be romantic and he told you that he loved you
    but after vocalizing the words he realized his own inner truth.

    He has deeper feelings for this university girl and he's been in denial over it.

    Was it that bad ? Did you enjoy your 2 months together ?
    Why not just continue to love him what's wrong with that ?

    You enjoyed his company and his affection.
    Keep it as a special memory and let it go. . .

    Just don't take him back if he comes running again ;)

    .Jay


    No, he didn't realize an inner truth after saying it. He came over knowing he was going to dump me. He told me he loved me and let me return the affection knowing that he was seconds from ending the relationship. The note in the bag made it very clear. Please, take my advice and never do this to someone. Don't think it was some romantic gesture to show he still cared. It was beyond hurtful to be led on like that, thinking we were having a nice romantic evening when it was the opposite. It made the entire thing shocking and surreal, not to mention it was a major blow to my own self-esteem to get, essentially, "I love you *pause*... just not enough".

    My lesson? When someone says they love you, count to 5 before giving any response, sometimes the "but" is right around the corner.
  • Dec 26, 2009, 08:27 AM
    amicon

    What a jerk!
    One day soon I hope you'll realise that he wasn't worthy of you. Take care.
  • Dec 26, 2009, 09:19 AM
    sabrewolfe
    The guy is not the sweet man he portrayed himself to be. He's a self centered emotion vampire and doesn't care for you. He drew you in to feed off your emotions. It's a sick and twisted thing to do. Anyone who would do such a thing thrives off hurting other people to boost their own egos. The fact that he texted you later the same night proves that. He wanted you to react and sob over him. He sounds like a narcissist. They are very good at drawing people in just to feel the pleasure of hurting the ones who fell for them. He will do that with others as well.
    My advice would be to not communicate with him at all on any level what so ever. Avoid all contact. Don't give him the pleasure of showing him any signs that he has affected you, because that's all he wants. Don't feed into his sick ego. You deserve so much better. Trust me, he never loved you, it was just an act, nothing more.
    I know it's probably hard for you to understand, but please take my advice on this. If you don't keep him out of your life he will just keep hurting you.
  • Dec 26, 2009, 10:25 AM
    talaniman
    And the moral of the story: Sometimes it looks great, but upon closer scrutiny, you realize its not worth a rat's patoot.

    Be glad it happened after 2 months, and not 6, or a year even.

    When the dust settles on your emotions, and the shock wears off, you will see you dodged a bitter bullet, and he was not what you thought he was.
  • Dec 26, 2009, 02:59 PM
    J. Sparks
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Conformist138 View Post
    No, he didn't realize an inner truth after saying it. He came over knowing he was going to dump me. He told me he loved me and let me return the affection knowing that he was seconds from ending the relationship. The note in the bag made it very clear. Please, take my advice and never do this to someone. Don't think it was some romantic gesture to show he still cared. It was beyond hurtful to be led on like that, thinking we were having a nice romantic evening when it was the opposite. It made the entire thing shocking and surreal, not to mention it was a major blow to my own self-esteem to get, essentially, "I love you *pause*... just not enough".

    My lesson? When someone says they love you, count to 5 before giving any response, sometimes the "but" is right around the corner.

    Well if you know the answer why write "I don't know why ??"

    I hypothesized a theory and try to make it sound better so you can just move on. Who knows really the answer ? Maybe he's done this several times to several women and goes home and writes it all up in his little diary. I just didn't want to write what is just so obvious that everyone else is going to say the same thing. "he's a wacko and a jerk off !"

    Move along.. . You were with a crazy.

    Anyway, I would never do this myself that's just nutzO.

    I'm pretty open and frank in my relationships, to a degree of course.
    I can't stand much drama.
  • Dec 28, 2009, 03:59 AM
    Conformist138
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by J. Sparks View Post
    Well if you know the answer why write "I don't know why ??"

    I hypothesized a theory and try to make it sound better so you can just move on. Who knows really the answer ? Maybe he's done this several times to several women and goes home and writes it all up in his little diary. I just didn't want to write what is just so obvious that everyone else is going to say the same thing. "he's a wacko and a jerk off !"

    Move along . . . you were with a crazy.

    Anyway, I would never do this myself that's just nutzO.

    I'm pretty open and frank in my relationships, to a degree of course.
    I can't stand much drama.

    I said I don't know why because of the methods he used. It seemed so out of character to be so thoughtless and insensitive. The fact that it came out of nowhere added to my shock and confusion. It seemed like a totally different person just masquerading as the man I knew. What I couldn't figure out was if there was a course of logic that would make an otherwise intelligent and caring man decide to break up with a girl in this fashion. I think my answer is no, there isn't. I admit, I hoped temporary insanity would play a part and that the great guy I thought he was would come to his senses. Instead, it appears I really was just misled by a man who is unrivaled in his talent for making a girl feel loved while having no clue what that really means.

    Hope is a hard thing to let go of sometimes.
  • Dec 28, 2009, 04:28 AM
    Starry nights

    I would like to take cue from someone here who said the guy was an emotion-vampire.He cleverly extracted what he wanted out of you--an understanding of your feelings for him.Seems like the eternal case of having one's cake and eating it too.By getting to know your feelings for him and by insisting you two remain friends,he was beautifully creating a "backup" plan in case the "actual" fails.

    Good that you are someone capable and strong, who'd rather take this in the right spirit--i.e dump him and not be dragged into some weird mind-game leading you down alleys of heart-ache and prolonged suffering.

    As far as the hurt goes,thank your lucky stars you'll be left off with a bruise rather than a wound.You seem like someone who'll survive.
  • Dec 28, 2009, 07:35 AM
    HistorianChick

    I am so sorry that you are dealing with this horrible situation during the holidays. Not only is this a class-less guy, but also a jerk for doing this to you... especially during the holidays.

    Unfortunately, this is the opposite or the "other side" to so many questions that we see posted on AMHD... the "my ex is involved with someone else, but I want him back!" questions that permeate the web today. I'm so sorry that you are feeling the hurt of this type of situation.

    He is not worth your affection. He was not interested in maintaining or fostering his relationship with you, but rather, was only interested in his own happiness - or the glint of what he things was "better" than the relationship he had with you. It sounds like he is a weak, spineless man only interested in what makes him feel good... and that is not something that you want in a partner.

    All these things we say, all the affirmations that he is a jerk, all the "you're in the right," all the "you're better off without him" aren't going to make you feel any better - you have to come to the realization that you ARE better off without him, that you DO deserve so much more, and that you are the First Class woman that should have a First Class Man.

    Best of luck - and try to make these holidays one of new possibilities and hope for an awesome new year.
  • Dec 28, 2009, 07:46 AM
    sully123

    I am so sorry someone you could treat you that horrible. He isn't a sweet person, he is decieiving and a cheat. Thank God, you found out now before it was too late and only invested two months into the relationship. Believe me, this was brewing the whole time you were seeing him. This didn't just pop out of nowhere. I wouldn't give him the time of day, to hear your voice, and ever talk to him again. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

  • All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:47 AM.