Hi, I need serious help. My husband and I have been married for over 6 years and have 2 small children. I only work part-time on the weekends so I can be home with them during the week. This seems to work out pretty well for all of us. Recently we were trying for a third child (my wish) and ended up having 2 losses instead. The second one being very early in the pregnancy, but now my doctors are not sure if I can carry another baby to full term, I am still in the middle of testing. Anyway, I seemed to take all of this okay. I have always considered myself to be emotionally stable. I always felt very content in my marriage. Divorce was never an option, cheating was never, ever even thought about... until a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I just snapped. I never saw this coming from a million miles away.

I went out with a girlfriend (also married) with my husbands consent. He doesn't really care for the nightlife so he prefers to stay home. But he felt like my friend and I needed to go out and have fun. We asked him to come but he chose to stay home with the kids. I go out with girlfriends probably a couple of times a year and there has never been a problem. This night was a little different.

I ran into this guy that I met through my husband before we were married. I ended up kissing this guy, hanging out with him most of the night and my girlfriend and I woke up at his house the next morning. I know I did not sleep with him but I did more fooling around than should have ever taken place--I don't remember exactly how everything went because I had too much to drink.

He dropped us off at my house in the morning. My husband asked what happened and I just told him that James gave us a ride home because we were all too drunk to drive and that was it. My husband didn't ask any questions because I don't usually lie. I usually am one to trust and have a tendency to despise people who do cheat and lie.

Now, my problem is that I cannot stop thinking about this guy. I called him a week later to thank him for giving us a ride and I thought maybe he could fill in some blanks. He was cordial on the phone but that was about it. When he answered the phone, I got butterflies at the sound of his voice. I keep fantasizing that I will run into him, that he'll call me, I started working out again and the thought of not being able to have another baby didn't bother me like it usually does. I feel like a teenager in a way. I am having thoughts about leaving my husband and being with this guy. And on the other hand I think if I see him maybe I will be disgusted and realize this was just a bad choice fueled by alcohol. Then, my husband came home the other day and said he talked to James and James kept asking about my friend. WHAT? When I heard this my feelings were hurt instantly. I felt like I was stabbed. And the worst part about this is I can't get this creep out of my mind. I have gone through this several times a day every day since that night trying to figure out how this all happened and why I can't just let it go.

Another bad part about this is that I don't feel guilty. I feel bad for my husband because I feel like he's getting ripped off but not guilty, because my thoughts are too selfish right now. I just don't know what is happening. I don't know if I am having a breakdown of some kind or if this is some kind of mid-life crisis or something. I truly have everything I have always wanted, worked for and planned. I'm 34, husband 39. We own a nice home with a lot of nice things. I have a great family, a career that I chose, 2 sweet little boys and a husband who is honest and kind. 8 years ago this is exactly how I planned it--except I didn't have thoughts about a loser distracting me. I just feel so confused.

You better nip this in the bud before it destroys everything you value and hurts everyone you love. Some serious self-discipline is called for. Don't EVER call this guy or do anything else to try to see or talk to him. Yes, you CAN stop thinking about him. Trying to figure out why you CAN'T stop thinking about him is a clever piece of self-deception that lets you keep thinking about him. It's a rank cop-out to say you can't control your thoughts. Think about your kind and honest husband and your sweet little boys. Think about your chosen career and how you can develop your skills. Think about what to have for dinner tonight. Think about your next family vacation. Think about redecorating your house. Think about what kind of men you want your boys to grow up to be. Think about ANYTHING but this guy. For right now, don't even think about why you fell into this trap. That's a worthwhile question, and there'll be time enough to work on it after you pull yourself back from the precipice you're teetering on, but for now just focus on keeping your balance and getting back from the edge. It almost certainly was, as you say "just a bad choice fueled by alcohol", and it is disgusting, but DON'T dwell on it and go over and over it in your mind because that just gives the whole snowball more energy and momentum.

Two miscarriages in a short period is a lot of stress, and a lot of hormonal turbulence, so it's entirely understandable that there would be repercussions from that in your thoughts and emotions, but you absolutely have to focus on what's really important to you and those you love and act on what you know is right from that perspective. You have too much to lose to let yourself spin out of control.

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Originally Posted by somessedup

Hi, I need serious help. My husband and I have been married for over 6 years and have 2 small children. I only work part-time on the weekends so I can be home with them during the week. This seems to work out pretty well for all of us. Recently we were trying for a third child (my wish) and ended up having 2 losses instead. The second one being very early in the pregnancy, but now my doctors are not sure if I can carry another baby to full term, I am still in the middle of testing. Anyways, I seemed to take all of this okay. I have always considered myself to be emotionally stable. I always felt very content in my marriage. Divorce was never an option, cheating was never, ever even thought about....until a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I just snapped. I never saw this coming from a million miles away.

I went out with a girlfriend (also married) with my husbands consent. He doesn't really care for the nightlife so he prefers to stay home. But he felt like my friend and I needed to go out and have fun. We asked him to come but he chose to stay home with the kids. I go out with girlfriends probably a couple of times a year and there has never been a problem. This night was a little different.

I ran into this guy that I met through my husband before we were married. I ended up kissing this guy, hanging out with him most of the night and my girlfriend and I woke up at his house the next morning. I know I did not sleep with him but I did more fooling around than should have ever taken place--I don't remember exactly how everything went because I had too much to drink.

He dropped us off at my house in the morning. My husband asked what happened and I just told him that James gave us a ride home because we were all too drunk to drive and that was it. My husband didn't ask any questions because I don't usually lie. I usually am one to trust and have a tendency to despise people who do cheat and lie.

Now, my problem is that I cannot stop thinking about this guy. I called him a week later to thank him for giving us a ride and I thought maybe he could fill in some blanks. He was cordial on the phone but that was about it. When he answered the phone, I got butterflies at the sound of his voice. I keep fantasizing that I will run into him, that he'll call me, I started working out again and the thought of not being able to have another baby didn't bother me like it usually does. I feel like a teenager in a way. I am having thoughts about leaving my husband and being with this guy. And on the other hand I think if I see him maybe I will be disgusted and realize this was just a bad choice fueled by alcohol. Then, my husband came home the other day and said he talked to James and James kept asking about my friend. WHAT? When I heard this my feelings were hurt instantly. I felt like I was stabbed. And the worst part about this is I can't get this creep out of my mind. I have gone through this several times a day every day since that night trying to figure out how this all happened and why I can't just let it go.

Another bad part about this is that I don't feel guilty. I feel bad for my husband because I feel like hes getting ripped off but not guilty, because my thoughts are too selfish right now. I just don't know what is happening. I don't know if I am having a breakdown of some kind or if this is some kind of mid-life crisis or something. I truly have everything I have always wanted, worked for and planned. I'm 34, husband 39. We own a nice home with a lot of nice things. I have a great family, a career that I chose, 2 sweet little boys and a husband who is honest and kind. 8 years ago this is exactly how I planned it--except I didn't have thoughts about a loser distracting me. I just feel so confused.

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As clearly mentionned by ordinary guy, your on your way to destroy what you value... if the thought of this guy is disturbing you at the moment.. bank on your trust and memory of how kind your husband is... challenge yourself and take a small break with him and learn to love what you have for your own sake, for the sake of someone who promised to cherish you all your life, who is actually doing so and who gave you two beautiful boys.

You have got a clear evidence that this man is playing, has no interest in you since he is mentionning your friend and you're still chasing after him??

I agree with the above posters. Also, try and remember this...

"The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side"

Refers to the way we tend to look at other people’s lives and other things that we don't have in general through rose colored glasses.

Comes from the idea of looking at a neighbours lawn and seeing it as better looking, healthier and overall greener then your own when in reality you’re just ignoring anything negative about it and downplaying everything positive about your own.


This always helps me stay focused.

Bad, bad girl, you betrayed your husbands trust, lied to cover it up, to make it worse you call him, think about him all the time, and the killer is you don't feel guilty. Then we have to hear all the excuses to justify your actions and then you get,

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feelings were hurt instantly. I felt like I was stabbed.

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because he asked about your married friend. Bad Bad VERY BAD girl. SELFISH is an understaement. You have the power to change all of this by leaving James and your girlfriend alone, and if drinking makes you do dumb stuff, then stop. Your g/f is of no use in having your back and keeping your drunk self out of trouble. Find better ways of enjoying yourself with your husband. The poor dumb fool.

I have a feeling there will require a very good amount of time, effort, care and patience put into this on your part. You care more about this other man and his affections for your friend, than the feelings of your husband; you didn't just cheat on him, you cheated on your family too. Your hubby, along with two little ones who depend on you greatly were at home waiting for you, trusting you to have the maturity to make a decision whether it would have made you look 'uncool' or not. One night out has changed everything, and the only thing you can do now is try your hardest to re-establish yourself as a mother and wife, and not as the partying and cheating type one night has made you out to be. I am wondering if he knows about everything that happened that night.

It's very unfortunate that you feel no guilt, because without that how can there be love for the ones you hurt. You should sit down and ask yourself if you want more nights like that, other men, more time away from home, etc. Then it would be wise to ask yourself if your own happiness matters more than everything you and your husband have worked so hard on together, and losing it.

People make mistakes, if you can admit to yourself that you have then you are going in the right direction.

The fact that you don't feel guilty Is so disturbing… do you not love your husband? I feel so sorry for him…

You can stop it if you wanted to but it seems you are going after being a teenage girl now that u feel that u can't raise a new one… I would advise if this keeps going on with u for over a month to seek professional help.

Best of luck,


ZK85

A month, an hour... doesn't need to happen at all.

I read your post a couple of times looking for some possible positive thought. Such as maybe it is your hormones or mid life crisis. All I can see is you are definitely not living in a reality zone. You had a drunken night with some guy, and stayed out all night. Lie to your husband who loves and trusts you and stayed home taking care of two small boys who loves and trust you. You say you want more children. Why? You don't care about the ones you have. Why would you bring another child into the world to hurt and desert? Things happen, people get drunk and do and say stupid things. They don't stay in stupid mode afterwards. You think of this guy constantly. No, you think of the sexual feelings you got when you were with the man. Nothing more nothing less. When a person has been with someone else for years feelings can get in a safe dull place. It is your place to spice it up with your husband not another man. Think hard about this man, would he love your children, would he provide for you, would he love you? Apparently not as he is asking about your friend. Why you would possibly be hurt when he asked about her? You guys were all drunk, that's it. He can not be much of a person if he did what he did with you and he is your husbands friend. Wow, great guy, maybe you should leave everything you have for a little roll in the sack with him. Sure sounds as though he has a lot of integrity. I am amazed, totally amazed at how insinsitive your post was towards your family. You need to think about some things here. #1 think about another woman in your home, with your husband, your children. A woman so happy to have a good man that does not lie, cheat have affairs and provides for his family. #2 Think about what you really know about this guy. I would lay odds right now that he does not even like you. He has no respect for a married woman that would do what you did with him. When you called he was quite cool, right? Why not? Do you think for a minute he would want a wife like you. NO. He wants a wife that would respect him and not hang on his friends or any other man for that matter. Do you even think he would want to have a girlfriend like you? NO. He doesn't even want to play with you. #3 Think hard about what your husband would do if he found out about this. Do you think your relationship would ever be the same again?

Girl, you had better do some fast soul searching and get it together or you can kiss all goodbye. You may feel things are not as exciting as fooling around with some guy in a bar and going home with him. Let me tell you, things can get pretty exciting fast if your husband finds out or if you continue to do this. A few months down the road your train is going to wreck and you are going to be one sad girl.

To say you have no control over your feelings. YOU do not want to have control over your feelings. Your husband and children deserve better than you. When your train wrecks I hope he finds someone who truly cares about him and the boys and she cherishes him for his family values and the boys as Gods gifts.

What in the world? What has your husband done to deserve this? Whew, reading these posts is making me realize my own problems aren't as bad as I thought. You obviously saw things in your husband to make you marry and have kids with him; now I feel you're taking his loyalty and trust for granted. Do you realize how many jealous men there are out there? A lot of women would "kill" for the trust he places in you, and you blew it and are not remorseful. I know the "butterfly" feeling is exciting and new, but that "temporary feeling" you're getting is just that: TEMPORARY.

I had a very close friend that went through 2 miscarriages recently, and it turned her into a different person (very selfish, confrontational, miserable). I don't know myself because I don't have kids and haven't experienced a miscarriage. But I do know that once she finally gave birth to a healthy beautiful little girl, it completely changed her for the better. So I know from this experience you could be looking for a "feeling" to make you happy temporarily. FORGET about this dirt bag and focus on what's REALLY important (whatever that may be to you).

Until you get at why you are self sabotaging, it can and may continue to manifest in your life in a variety of ways. This is no light weight matter and it isn't about that guy either. The stress of the miscarriages may have set it in motion but other stress can as well. Seek professional help where you can safely get to what this is about and change it or run the risk of ruining everything. This isn't what you think it is.

Doesn't matter what you did. Matter is this are you honest towards yourself?
Think about this If you reached any conclusion then again think. Remember we are human beings we can do mistakes but if mistakes going on continue it becomes habit.
This is your life, so decision will be yours Me or any one can guide you but for this you have to ready to follow.
Normally people says I can die for you but I says please live for me.
If interested to talking then mail me.