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-   -   Marriage ruinned without any real reason (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=427961)

  • Dec 24, 2009, 02:29 PM
    sokol79
    Marriage ruinned without any real reason
    Hi all,

    First of all, marry christmas to all of you. Let me share with you my story. Maybe some introduction will be helpful for you to understand better the end. Im from Albania, and my soon-to-be-ex-wife is from South Africa. We met each other on Facebook, and we clicked together. We chatted for like 2-3 months on the internet, than she came here for like 3 weeks to see this place where I live, and when I asked her if she thinks she can live here, she said absolutely, there is nothing wrong with the place. Well, the place is ing boring to tell you the truth, and I was impressed from that asnwer. Anyway. After she went back home, we kept talking to each other, till we decided to marry each other, and that happened 7 months ago. Everything was great, she looked very happy, etc. after the first month of marriage, we tried for a child, and fortunatelly she got pregnant. I never saw her so happy. Everyone got happy. During this pregnancy, she was having pains and stuff, headaches, etc (she had a ing migrane, which was like under control, probably becaue of the new climate here). Unfortunatelly, she lost the baby, and she was crying like a baby for what happened. I tried to make her feel bettter, by being supportive to her. Anyway, after some time, we tried again, and she had some signs she was pregnant again, but we didn't took the pregnancy test, as it was too soon. Now I can't tell if she is pregnant or not, because of this ing damn story of nosense, like a bad book that doesn't sell more than 100 copies, cause of the bad scenario. My wife is very insecure, and jealous. She got mad at me with no reasons, only because she thought I was cheating on her or something. I can't call it love, as long as there is insecurity. She used to have cheating ex-boyfriends before, and she thought I'm one of them too. Well, I love my wife, and I tried to tell her that, but she only things I'm lying. I had to say bye to my friends, and friend's wife's, just because she things that when I'm around them, I'm really nice to them, and there must be something. The worse thing is when I had to meet the house's owner, a damn middle age, in the age of my mother (im 30), because I had to give the rent to her, and in that time she asked me if I can help her with her msn, because is blocked. So I had to say OK, and I went to her house, where she lives with her sister and her mother. Here in Albania, people use to give something to drink to their guests, so they offered me a chream wisky, and I took it. Then I left their house, went to my house (that was only 1 minute away), and kissed my wife, withought thinking she is going to make it a story, because I had nothing to hide. Well, she made it a big story, like I don't respect her, etc etc. and to tell the truth, since that night, we stopped having sex, or actually, she stopped. She was acting tired, etc etc. when I asked her, after 2 weeks, or smth, she said to me, its because I felt like kak when you went to that owners house, and I don't know what you did there. Well, she was making a story out of her mind, mostly because she was staying home all day, witought work, nothing to do, but only playing online free poker on Facebook. I tried to help her find a job, start learning my language, so she can open some beauty salon, but it seems like she lost every desire of this place and probably me too (althought lately we were speaking lots about moving in her land, south africa, so that she stops being between 4 ing walls). The only problem I had by moving there, was that I had to leave or probably see my old grandmother die, because of me leaving. Well, my wife wouldn't understand that, but instead she kept telling me that she left everything for me (wich is not true, as I told her since the beginning, its not a place for her to live here), now I can't leave someone or something for her, means I don't love her. Its like she was looking at every possible threat in our marriage. Well, is because of this poker thing, where the real happened. The last 2-3 weeks she was acting like hiding her monitor when I came into the room, didn't really care about the our dog was making around, the house that was being damn mess, etc. so I started smelling something in the air. I found out there was a guy on the poker room, where he and my wife were playing, and I saw they were calling each other hun and flirting words. Well, in my opinion, anyone can flirt with you, but its not called flirting as long as you don't accept it and start doing the same. As I found it out (she was leaving the next morning to go back home), I told her what's this story about, and she told me its nothing, just fake kisses and words. Well, I said OK, probably I'm wrong. But the next day, as she was on transit in turkey, I found out again, she was talking again to this guy, and now, more than just friendly, she was even calling love yous and stuff like that. I really got pissed off, and told her by chatting (I was home, when she was on transit) that this is not just some ing damn friend, and that I want divorce (I admit, I was like in rush). Than I left, but after 1 hour, I send her a sms, which she replied the next morning when she was finally home, and was telling me she was already home. In the evening we were speaking for like 4 hours, and I was apologizing for what I said, that I never meant the divorce, but that we have to do something for the marriage to work, and that is me moving there with her, and she stoping this poker thing. She said no way, I'm already addicted to poker, and I won't stop. Than she said OK, fine I stop (which was just a lie, because she never did that). Well, I thought now everything is clear, so I left. The next day I found out they were acting more intimate toward each other, so I couldn't handle anymore this , lie after lie, and I sent her mother a big email, telling her that I'm done with her, and that if she has a kid with me, she must better take it off, because that kid will have a bad life, without the father, or the mother. I know, this was harsh, but was never meant, I lost my temper. Well, since that mail, she didn't used to reply to my message, mails, or anything, until 2 days ago, when she said that what I said, was very painfull, etc etc. I said to her again I'm sorry, for the way the things took path, and that I don't want this marriage to stop, I want to work on things between us, and if she feels like it, she can try it too. Well, I took a message from her, that she didn't replied to me, and was being spitefull, just to make me feel how it feels. I said to her, if you don't love someone, you just don't care to make him feel how it feels, so what's this thing now. Well, I got an answer about that trying to make it work, telling me that she doesn't know if its worth trying it. I haven't spooken to her from 2.5 days already, and I know she still plays poker, and speaks to this guy on the phone, who lives 8 hours with plane away from her. The funny thing is that on 21 November, she used to send him a message telling him that she is married, and she lives in Albania only because of me, and she is ing bored, and she doesn't call them, because she doesn't want to hurt people, and she doesn't want to find herself in , and she feels sorry if she gave them wrong impression. Than, once she is there at her home, she gives him her phone number, etc. I don't know people, but like this doesn't happen everyday, does it ? Give a name to my story, because I'm thoughtless.
  • Dec 24, 2009, 11:28 PM
    bigblack

    The name to your story is needlessly Looooong.

    If there were ever a good example to marital counselling, I think it would be you and your wife. Because you seem to get caught up in the drama between the two of you (this is one way a couple may learn to relate to one another and you don't want to let this turn into a habit in your young marriage). I think you two need to learn how to talk and fight fairly! I don't disagree that you have an issue with your wife about the online poker and flirting/calling another man on the phone (that's going way too far!). But I don't think it's fair or grown up of you to through out the 'divorce' word every time she upsets you. Nor is it right to involve your mother-in-law when you're in the midst of an argument and admittedly angry with her. You need to work it out with her. You need to figure out how to fight fair so that you both are being heard and understood. If you can't get to this point yourselves, counselling may get you on the right track.
  • Dec 25, 2009, 01:30 PM
    Devorameira
    bigblack has some really good points. You both have to work at marriage. If she's not willing to work with you there's no way it'll work.

    She shouldn't have been flirting with anyone else, but I imagine it was hard for her to move to Albania and not know anybody or even know the language. It would be hard without friends or family. She has probably been really bored, then with losing the baby it has sunk her deeper into depression.

    You said that you couldn't leave Albania because of your grandmother. Didn't she leave things behind in South Africa to come to Albania? What about the baby - don't you think that he/she will need their father?
  • Dec 26, 2009, 12:42 AM
    Gemini54
    My name for your story is that Facebook has a lot to answer for.

    There is a good reason your marriage is ruined. Neither of you have the capacity to communicate or compromise. Both of you must live in a dream world if you thought it would work without these two essential ingredients.

    You never actually knew each other before you got married and then she came to live with you in Albania. New country, new culture, new language. (no wonder she's chatting with people on-line). Then she gets pregnant and loses the first baby. She's jealous of all your friendships and you're threatening her with divorce and abortion... all in 7 months!

    This should have just remained a short-lived affair, not a marriage.

    Too much too soon and now you're regretting it. She's moved on to another on-line sucker and I don't think she'll be back.
  • Dec 26, 2009, 11:54 AM
    sokol79
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Devorameira View Post
    bigblack has some really good points. You both have to work at marriage. If she's not willing to work with you there's no way it'll work.

    She shouldn't have been flirting with anyone else, but I imagine it was hard for her to move to Albania and not know anybody or even know the language. It would be hard without friends or family. She has probably been really bored, then with losing the baby it has sunk her deeper into depression.

    You said that you couldn't leave Albania because of your grandmother. Didn't she leave things behind in South Africa to come to Albania? What about the baby - don't you think that he/she will need their father?


    Thanks for the reply. The thing is that during the day I was usually working, and afternoons I was with her everyday. So, she wasn't alone. Bored yes, but does that help her flirt with other people? And by the way, saying love u, miss u, even sending virtuall kisses to some online guy she knew only the last month, I don't really believe this is just flirting.
    Second thing: it was her will to come here, because of the security in south africa, and the dangerous life, as well she said she doesn't like her kids to grow up in a dangerous place. Than again, I told her everything what needs to be done here, like learning albanian, so that she can start making friends and live here, but she was just tioo lazy about that.
  • Dec 26, 2009, 04:56 PM
    Devorameira

    Sounds to me like the relationship is pretty much over. If you can't trust her in your heart, there's really not too much to save. You've had a rough 2009 - hope 2010 is better for you!
  • Jan 4, 2010, 03:37 PM
    sokol79

    Hi there again. Well, I have a couple of new things happened for the new year. First she told me she didn't had time to think, because she was pretty busy, which I said, I understand, its no problem for me, whatever happens is for our best, than in the same time, I used to sent her a couple of roses, which she really liked. The flowers, I don't know about if she liked the idea, or appreciated it, she only said it was so unexpected, and thank you very much. Well, than she goes on with hope you are having a happy new year, and she told me she didn't do anything really, staying home, and she was tired, and blah blah blah, and sleep well and sweet dreams. This was more a kind message, friendly one, nothing more. Now the thing is that I told her after two days that she won't hear anything more from me, meaning I don't want to bother her with mails, nor I want to influence her thoughts, or stalk her, but that the door for her is always open. SHe didn't replied. Weird. I know she was on computer every time of the days. Today I sent her another message telling her that if she wants to give it another try, she can say yes, and that I understood her, and if she wants to accept me, and if she thinks that in anotre place, another time, this marriage would have worked out, and that I'm willing to do anything possible, and I want to move to her place, so she can send me an invitation, etc, and if she feels like no, she can just say it, and that I will deal with my own feelings. She doesn't reply again. And I know she is on computer. Isn't this pretty weird? I mean, I was the first to ask her for divorce, because I was really pissed off and upset, but now she doesn't mention anything divorce, me neither. If I'm not, and if she was interested in divorce, she can ask if I went to find out how we can do this, right ? I don't know buddies, but this all seems like a big mess, and all I want is to know if I have to start to move on, or try to fix the things with her. What do you think ?
  • Jan 4, 2010, 03:44 PM
    Gemini54
    Move on. It's over.

    Her silence is telling you everything.
  • Jan 4, 2010, 04:00 PM
    sokol79
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Gemini54 View Post
    Move on. It's over.

    Her silence is telling you everything.

    I think so too. Some people just don't have the gut to speak clearly. Thanks anyway!
  • Jan 4, 2010, 04:02 PM
    sokol79
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Gemini54 View Post
    Move on. It's over.

    Her silence is telling you everything.

    One more thing, sorry. We should not forget this is a marriage. So, with or without her answer, which seems a no, I have to start filling for divorce. Can I start doing it, or you suggest to let it as it is for some time ?

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