My husband and I have six children between the two of us. Three were his with a previous marriage and three are mine with a previous marriage. My mother treats all six the same at gift giving occasions and gives them presents and loves them. My husbands mother sent three cards in the mail to her three blood grandchildren and did not acknowledge the other three that are her son's step children. My husband put these cards under the tree. He told me that there is $100 dollars in each envelope. I told him that it is not fair and we should speak to his mother, divide the money or give the money to them in private. He dissagrees and the cards are still under the tree. He said I am being too sensitive. Am I? What should I do?

No, your husband is a jerk and you take those cards out now.

He should understand how YOUR kids and now HIS kids too are going to feel that first their grandma by marriage is disrespeting them and now their step dad has no feelings either.

Send it back to her and tell her there are 6 kids and to send to all or none.

Husband can sleep on the sofa for a few days, and he will get the hint.

Look I think that this is a difficult situation. I can actually understand a grandmother wanting to acknowledge her blood grandchildren and not feeling that she has a connection to her step-grandchildren. However, I can understand your feelings in this matter.

I do think that your husband is the one being insensitive though - and it is up to him to have a talk to his mother.

My sense is that there is more going on here and, it's only an assumption on my part, that your children need to bond more with his mother.

I wouldn't be dividing the money up between them - I'd be telling your children exactly what's happening and if they miss out on a present from their step grandmother, so be it. Your children need to be told what is happening.

Sometimes the receiving of gifts is not an automatic right - just because they are related by marriage does not automatically mean your children will automatically receive gifts.

Clearly your MIL does not feel a connection to your children and perhaps it's up to your husband to begin the process of creating one!

This is really heart breaking for the kids left out by a very selfish woman. How could she just address only three cards, when there are SIX children in the family! Cruel and heartless, and absolutely unnecessary.

And it's Christmas for cryin' out loud! It would be bad enough for a Birthday- but Christmas??

I would take the money out of the cards, give each child $50.00, and say it was from 'Grandma'. Then I would phone her myself, that's just me, and say that you just couldn't break your children's hearts to have them think she would forget them on Christmas, and thank her for the money that you made sure was equally divided.

It would be nice if your husband backed you up. This is one of those times where damn the torpedoes, the right thing to do is give to all, or give to none- it is a family, you can't pick like that.

I would take the money out and put it in a savings account or something for the children. It's not fair for your kids to have to watch their siblings spending money they don't have, and it's not fair to take the money from them completely or split it up between all of them. If there's a college account for them, I would just put the money into that.

You DO need to speak with you MIL, though. Explain to her that it's not fair, and does nothing to help the family tension inherent with a mixed family, for her to so blatantly exclude your children. She needs to either start including your children or finding a less offensive way to exclude them.

How is the relationship between you and your MIL?

Thank you for all of your responses. To answer you question, my MIL and I have had no problems getting along. She does live out of state but there has been no tension at all. Now, after this, the tension is there. To add to the problem, my father (my parents are divorced) sent "US" a card with $150 in it and wants us to distribute it equally. My husband thinks I should just give $50 to my kids and not his to make up for his mother not including the other three. I think if I do this, I'm only doing what I dislike the most. I think we should take the $300 and the $150 and put it together and divide it by 6. Each would get $75 dollars. Then I could call the MIL and explian what I did to resolve he issue and make her aware of it. What do you think?

I think that with children, at Christmas, whether we like it or not, one cannot receive more than the other, especially when it comes to cash.

All I can say is, considering the most honourable thing to do is what your father did. Put all the money together, divide equally. That would be the right and equal thing to do.

Then I agree that you will need to speak to your MIL, tell her how you resolved the issue, and then put each kid on the phone to thank her personally.

I know that hearing six happy voices on Christmas Day, would make me very happy. Let's hope she is too.

That is so insensitive of her.

Lets do this, take all your children and sit them down. Hand out the three cards as she wished. Watch them open the cards in front of your other children who didn't get a card. Record all of this and mail her the tape. Let her see the let down and the heartache it causes. Then ask her how that felt seeing that.

I don't think the kids should have the money. If they do it should be done in private by the grandmother. Why is she dividing the family that has come together as one? Your husband needs to discuss this with her or its going to lead to tension between you all.

I personally couldn't imagine doing that. Your poor children.

You know in fairness to your mother in law,perhaps she would just perfer to give to her own grandchildren, its not unheard of, the other 3 kids may not have even entered into her head,maybe she thought their grandparents would do the same.

To give her somwe credit she gave to her own..

This is where YOU come in...

They ALL belong to you and your husband,and so, I agree with the above in spreading the love!

Pool the money and go for a nice family day out or a family dinner,everyone will benefit and you can all give a toast to granny and grandad for christmas... and she never has to know.

Why cause problems for yourself?

Tell your husband he has his kids and you have your kids,but together they ALL belong to both of you, you're a FAMILY.

I think all of you have solutions that will work. The important factor is for my husband and me to be on the same page and the fact that he wanted to keep the cards under the tree and said I was sensitive makes me think he will not be on the same page with me. It is so hard for blended families to come together on some issues but I think that we ARE a family and our family should respect that. I will take what I've learned here and have a heart to heart with my husband. Thank you so much. I also will appreciate any more suggestions or comments. It is so helpful.

Just wondering how you made out JS.

I got to thinking about your post, and I think maybe you've hit on something that is a problem with so many blended families.

I don't doubt there are many in the same boat as you this year.

Maybe its just time to realize that no matter who or how many make up a family, when it comes to children, biological or not, all should be treated equally.

I thought long and hard about what to do. Your posts helped me to validate my feelings and think rationally. I knew that I could beat this to death with my husband and I would get little support. I called his mother to wish them a Merry Christmas. Our conversation went well. I put in the conversation that as "our" six children sit around the tree to open presents I would take pictures of them to send to her. I explained to her that we were lucky to have six healthy children and we were having a great Christmas with all of them together. I spoke only as us as a unit. So, as I handed out the cards to my stepchildren I said out loud that since their grandparents didn't include cards for their stepsiblings that I would be giving the other three the other grandparents' money to make it even. They all were happy and didn't seem like it phased them at all. When the holiday dies down I will talk to my husband and explain to him that we cannot repeat this same scenario again. I would like for his mother to include all of the children, but if she doesn't we will be combining grandparent money together. We had a great Christmas. Thank you.

Glad it worked out for everyone..

Good idea to have a talk with your husband to iron out the wrinkles.

Brilliant! It did not occur to me, that the children would be more gracious and reasonable than the Grandmother!! They sound like great kids to me.

And YOU sound like a very, very good mom. Good for you, very happy Christmas was a happy one for your family!

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Originally Posted by JSVass

I thought long and hard about what to do. Your posts helped me to validate my feelings and think rationally. I knew that I could beat this to death with my husband and I would get little support. I called his mother to wish them a Merry Christmas. Our conversation went well. I put in the conversation that as "our" six children sit around the tree to open presents I would take pictures of them to send to her. I explained to her that we were lucky to have six healthy children and we were having a great Christmas with all of them together. I spoke only as us as a unit. So, as I handed out the cards to my stepchildren I said out loud that since their grandparents didn't include cards for their stepsiblings that I would be giving the other three the other grandparents' money to make it even. They all were happy and didn't seem like it phased them at all. When the holiday dies down I will talk to my husband and explain to him that we cannot repeat this same scenario again. I would like for his mother to include all of the children, but if she doesn't we will be combining grandparent money together. We had a great Christmas. Thank you.

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That's great. As I mentioned in my post, sometimes you just have to be honest with your children - and let them deal with it themselves. Sensible approach, great outcome! Happy 2010 to you all!