Ask Me Help Desk - Dad is a deadbeat

I just had a question for anyone that might know...
I had a child almost eight years ago, with a man that is pretty worthless.
He has Never been a part of his life, every 2 years we get a phone call or possilbe visit.
I truly believe this to be effecting my son in a very negative. Way. Did I mention that he has 5 children total, with 5 different mom's. He's not even 40. My question is... is there a way to make him sign away his rights? My son has his last name on the birth certificate, but has gone by mine since the day he was born. We were never married. He is ruining my son's self asteem, and we need closier to this. What do I do? He's told me that he'll never give him up, but he's never even there... it's like wanting to 'own' the dog, but not feeding it...
I need help with this, someone once told me that in order to get him to give up his rights, I'd have to get married, and my 'then' husband would have to adopt him... Why do I have to do that? He's selfish... I've never asked or rec'd a dime... please help...

You do not have to get married and have your husband "adopt" your son in order for the rights of his father to be revoked. What you do need to do is to show evidence to the court of the father's absence and make a formal request to have terminate this man's rights. Do you have documentation of conversations, child support, etc. that can be used to your benefit? Are you eligible for Legal Assistance? In this state, Legal Assistance charges on a sliding scale fee according to income. It might be worth at least checking that out.

You can request that he sign away his rights, but its unlikely that you will be able to force it, unless abuse can be shown. Generally this happens only when there is an adoption issue.

But I wonder what you think getting him to relinquish his rights will accomplish? If your son has self esteem problems because of his fathers partial abandonment, getting him to relinquish his rights isn't going to help matters any. Better you should concentrate on getting him some therapy so he can understand that its not him but his father's immaturity and instability.that's what will really help his self-esteem.

That is a very good suggestion - the getting therapy for your son so that he comes to the understanding that it is not him. Getting therapy for yourself is not a bad idea either. You have a few things too that can be addressed in counseling.

One thing I want to ask you - what are you saying to your son about his father? Are you guilty of bad-mouthing his absentee father, putting the father down for lack of support, visitation, etc. saying how much easier it would be for you if you had support? All those negative things DO NOT lend to positive self esteem for your son. You may think that saying all that is giving credence to your side of the story, but it settles in your son's heart and he feels responsible for actions that have never been in his hands or control.

When he calls up for a visit, just say no, if he shows up, call the police for trespassing.

That ends the problem unless he wants to pay for an attorney to go to court to get his visitation inforced. ( which most likley he won't, since he knows he would have to start also paying child support and other things

Quote:

Originally Posted by wynd0w

I just had a question for anyone that might know...
I had a child almost eight years ago, with a man that is pretty worthless.
He has Never been a part of his life, every 2 years we get a phone call or possilbe visit.
I truly believe this to be effecting my son in a very neg. way. Did i mention that he has 5 children total, with 5 different mom's. He's not even 40. My question is... is there a way to make him sign away his rights? My son has his last name on the birth certificate, but has gone by mine since the day he was born. We were never married. He is ruining my son's self asteem, and we need closier to this. What do i do? He's told me that he'll never give him up, but he's never even there... it's like wanting to 'own' the dog, but not feeding it...
I need help with this, someone once told me that in order to get him to give up his rights, i'd have to get married, and my 'then' husband would have to adopt him... Why do i have to do that? He's selfish... i've never asked or rec'd a dime... please help...

I think legally the father has to consent to give up his child regardless whether he pays child support or whether he's involved and interested in the child's life. I would press him HARD on paying child support, and I mean be aggressive, then perhaps he will consent and give up his rights to the child. That's what I did with my wife's first child and I adopted her at age 6. He was so far behind, no way he could pay.

Getting married and then having your husband adopt him would be the surest way to get him to surrender his paternal rights. But if he's not willing to let that happen then it's not likely that it ever will. As the father, he has legal rights and responsibilities (which evidently he is not fulfilling and why not?) and, without a very compelling reason (abuse, endangerment, etc.) he cannot be compelled to give up those rights. But why is he not paying child support? Your son is entitled to it, whether dad visits with him or not.

I would be very careful about refusing him his visitation rights, it's a chance you would be taking for potential contempt of court since the court has already decided he has visitation rights. But it may work if you are willing to take that chance, he may go away. It's you choice, I never like civil disobedience as a method of changing the law.