Usually this time of the year things are very depressing. Christmas, new years, birth day etc.

I find myself going back to childhood thoughts of suicide, why go on with this fantasy of someday things will be better and so forth. To be honest this year has been the worst when it comes to these crazy thoughts.

Problem is, I cannot talk to friends or my fiancé about this. It would just upset them. Now I know one thing is for sure, that I will never do such a stupid thing. Especially now as it would be very unfair towards the people in my life. I still have contracts and crap to pay for at least another 1.5 years.

And it will not be fair to leave people behind to pay for my contracts on the lease, phone bills etc.

I came to the conclusion it is because during this time of the year we tend to look back to our past, good and bad, miss lost loved ones, achievements we accomplished. Things that makes life seem a bit gloomy while you are sitting where ever you are sitting.

I have lost 3 people in my life from suicide and would not wish it upon anyone. It is however a persistent thought. Logging out of life. Signing in to whatever comes next if there is a next.

Why do we get sad when we look back into the past? It makes no sense why we even want to look back into the past.

My forays into the past are filled with happy memories, happy outweighs the bad. Sure, I have lost loved ones, but its what they left me in my heart that keeps me going every holiday season and any other season. Suicide or not, a death is a death and it is unfortunate that you dwell on the unpleasant and if you keep on doing that you haven't grown as a person.

You are planning on getting married, I wish you well, and a chance to build your own happy memories.

Yep, you betcha, life is worth the effort !

Tick

I can see where you are coming from. The holidays you noted are not always filled with joy and fond memories of the past.

There is something about our expectations falling short of reasonable outcomes. We are high on anticipation, and come up short with disappointment, when reality sets in, and these occasions are sometimes less than we expect.

I have seen that with my husband's family, where too many similar people are like firecrackers about to go off, and one person says the wrong thing, and the 'perfection' we happily anticipate, turns into an unhappy, let's get this over with already, situation.

I lost a friend through suicide, December 25th of last year. She was not found until after Christmas, but knowing that the anniversary date is only a few days away has me in a real funk right now.

I urge you to talk to your fiancé, and tell her that you're doing your best, but you are feeling down and re-living some memories of times past. Talking it out, and knowing someone who loves you will understand will make it easier for you to get through the holidays.

You might want to consider writing your thoughts out in a journal as well. Let out all the events and past memories, and you will feel less burdened by them. Focus on simple things, a quiet evening with your fiancé, a drive to see the Christmas Lights on Christmas eve, a good meal to look forward too.

I will be doing likewise.

Well, we made it through another Christmas.

How did you do, LJDK?

My dad died on Christmas day a long time ago and my mom also died during December, a number of years ago.

Thanks!

How did it all go LJDK? If it's any consolation it has been a very intense 6 months leading up to Xmas and the end of the year for many, many people. Particularly those that are of a more sensitive bent. We've had 2 friends have heart attacks (and they are in their 40s) and another commit suicide in the past month alone.

I think that those suicidal thoughts come from a sense of hopelessness, the conviction that things will never get any better in the future, because things feel so hopeless in the present. At Xmas, everyone seems to be celebrating and happy and so we think we should be too. (Notice I said 'seem'.)

Sadness is a state of mind which we can alter. You feel sad when you look back at your past but equally you could feel another emotion - you do have the choice, and this can be empowering. You know that the past is gone - it's done, unchangeable - the only thing that you now have the capacity to change is how you perceive it.

I think that when you start being bedeviled by those suicidal thoughts, think of them as your crazy escape fantasy - like a crazy sexual fantasy - something that you indulge in occasionally with a vague sense of guilt, but which is completely out of the realm of your actual reality.

I do think that life IS worth the effort, it's just that sometimes, and I'm feeling this this at the moment, it is a HUGE effort. It does make those times when things are good - and they always do become good - so much the better.

LJDK, I am sorry that you are having these thoughts of ending your life. I wish that you would possibly consider counseling.

Suicide is for cowards, and for quitters. I'm sorry, but it's true.

Anyone can simply STOP LIVING, the strong SURVIVE, remember that.

Yes, life is worth it. You say that you are engaged? Be thankful that you have someone who loves you.

Go on with your life. Hopefully one day you will have children, and it will bring a new meaning to your life. It will fill in the hole in your heart.

If debts are keeping you here, please, by all means, go out and get a 30 year mortgage.

May God bless you, and grant you peace and love.

Hopefully, LJDK will return to address the posts.

Thanks!

Hi everyone. Thank you all for the input and the shared stories. It's sad but also good to know we are never alone.

All went OK, I have not talked to my fiancé, as she has also taken a dip and is still very depressed. Also reliving past memories, so I am trying to stay strong for her sake.

Slowly but surely I am forcing myself to rather focus on the good memories instead of the bad. It seems to be working some what.

Hope you all had a great christmas. And happy new year.

As for me, this year its time to focus on the positive and less on the negative. I hope.

It's nice to hear about you getting more into focus for the coming year, LJDK!

Do you have any family besides your fiancé, please?

Thanks!

It's glad to hear that LJDK! :)

I wish you a happy new year too, filled with only good memories and luck for your debts. Supporting each other and working hard sure will, in the end, weigh more than the ordeals that you've been through. :)

Thank you.
Yes I have family. Small, but very close even if we do not get to see each other that often. Which is something I hope to change this coming year.

Are you far away from them in miles, LJDK?

Thanks!

I can see that you're creating a thread that's called "Perceptions about relationships are changing", LJDK.

If you would like to discuss something, I would look forward to it!

I'm waiting here and hoping that you'll be returning!

Thanks!

My parents live close by... with in 9KM. We visit them about once in 2 weeks.

It feels like I am evolving my perceptions about a lot things and not just relationships.

The depression got me to a point where suicidal thoughts are not uncommon. In fact I would sit until 2 - 4 am in the mornings thinking about all the concequences if I should do it.

This time of the year is especially a low. But with my fiance's depression that started shortly after this topic was started, I can no longer afford to have suicidal thoughts. I have to be there for her.

There is this mission I have, although I fear it might be a foolish one. I am trying to become the stereotypical "cold" male figure with limited to no emotions that the media so often portray in movies.

I think it must have benefits, but so far I can only see the negative of no longer having the ability to truly feel love. Pretty sure if you kill the sad emotion you also kill the happy emotion. If I can put it like that.