Ask Me Help Desk - Just sex

I met this guy who seems great. We exchanged numbers and texted for 2 weeks before actually going out, long conversations about everything. First date was great! We had dinner and talked for about 3 hours until the restaurant closed. Then went to a bar, had a beer, talked some more, danced, and kissed. Great chemistry for sure. He walked me home and we had a heavy makeout session in the entrance of my building, then he went home. He called the next day and we talked for a few hours. We saw each other again 3 days later and ended up sleeping together. He stayed until late the next morning and called that night. We've still been talking every night since we exchanged numbers. It has now been 2 weeks since our first date and we've seen each other 7 times, have slept together a few of those times, except, I asked him what it is we're doing. He says he doesn't know and isn't sure he wants anything serious. He also said maybe we should take things slower because he isn't trying to play me and doesn't want to get played either. He does really sweet things like giving me stuff so I don't get sick, and we still talk almost everyday. So how can I tell if he's just looking for a fling? It has only been 2 weeks since our first date, so maybe it's still too early for all this talk. Should I just go with it for now and bring it up again in a few weeks?

Just enjoy his company. He sounds sincere and a really nice guy. The type of person you are describing are few and far between so just keep it light and easy and absolutely dont have that talk until it feels right for both of you. Keep the communications line open.

Tick

Two weeks in you barely know each other, no matter how often you've talked.

It sounds like he just wants to take things slow, realizes that two weeks, a few dates and sex doesn't make a relationship.

Get to know each other, see where it leads. Maybe cool off the sex until you both know what you want.

2 weeks!

You are covering a lot of ground in 2 weeks...

Slow way way down or your going to crash and burn..

Let the getting to know phase last a good bit longer...

Don't come on needy and pushy for the 'talk'..

Enjoy it for what it is now,and don't make any future plans past the next date.

Sounds like friends with benefits to me.

If you're not on the same page, then slow things down (i.e. quit having sex). Otherwise, you're just setting yourself up to get disappointed and hurt.

There's nothing worse than an emotional attachment to someone who isn't a good match. It takes months of dating to get past the "nice-nice" everyone can fake at first for the real personalities to show up. Sleeping with someone during the "nice-nice" phase gives you a completely unreliable sense of who they are, all you know is "sex feels good".

Believe it or not, your actions (the two of you together) is extremely casual, and treating sex the same way has the opposite effect of what you probably want. It turns it into a recreational activity.

It's what you did.

Look back at your story... you give all sorts of detail step by step about what you're doing together... then you breeze past the "we slept together" without the same detail... like it's "no big deal".

That's revealing. You treat the issue with aplomb and that's unfortunate, it has far more effect on the dumbing down of any dating relationship than most people want to even know.

So now you know. The damage is already done, there's no way to UNsleep with someone and you've officially laid the foundation of "no big deal", so it's going to be a MUCH longer process to reacquire that possibility with him.

It's not imposssible, but to answer you question, "Yes, you'll have to just go along for now".

Without giving him attitude about it or making it his fault, you can try to start over in the dating and physical intimacy departments, keeping sex out of the equation. This isn't a punishment. It's an attempt to take the biggest cloud out of your sky so you can see each other properly.

Without that, I suppose I agree with what's been said already, "friends with benefits".

What people DO is what we really believe about them. What they say... not as much. So go with what he DOES. If he "says" he doesn't want a relationship but treats you very well and seems to be courting, then go with it and don't push the "talk".

On the other hand (and this is FAR more common), guys will "talk the talk" of relationship when what they really want is just to fool around. Watch for that.

We can't advise you on his real intentions right now, but you can, just by watching and paying attention to what he actually does.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Believe it or not, your actions (the two of you together) is extremely casual, and treating sex the same way has the opposite effect of what you probably want. It turns it into a recreational activity.

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Under any other circumstances, sex as a 'recreational activity' isn't all that bad considering the health benefits !
JB, you offered some very valid comments. Well done. Good post.
Tick

Most guys know how to charm women. Early in a relationship, guys (and gals) hide their negative qualities in order to play the nice guy/nice girl game. They hide their true colors. Guys are good at charming girls. They give them gifts, they take interest in their lives, and many women think that if they can talk to a guy for hours straight, it must be love- or at least a serious relationship in the making... Which is not true. Nobody can hide their true colors for long, and there is a good chance that since you didn't take the time to get to know this guy, he isn't who you think he is.

Most women cannot have sex without some kind of emotional involvement. Most women think that sex, love, and emotions go hand in hand. Most guys don't feel the same.
(I've heard before that women have sex because they are close to a man or think they are close, whereas men have sex with women to GET closer to them... Im not sure if this is true or not for most women, but it's definitily a thought... )

This guy is right in saying that things are going way too fast. Why don't you tone things down to a friendship level for now and get to know each other better? (Of course, if you both enjoyed the sex, abstaining will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, since you opened that door.) If you can't slow things down and learn about the guy, I'd be concerned as to whether this relationship will last... If you even want to call it a relationship.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=5920953

Your history is one of jumping from guy to guy, which would be great if you slowed way down on the sex, and making out so fast, and took more time enjoying getting to know them more.

It takes more than weeks, or months, to learn the true nature of a person, because everyone is putting there best foot forward in the beginning, and sex, and making out only clouds things you should be paying attention to.

Its okay to have fun getting to know someone, but its not okay to get confused because you get carried away by new intense feelings.

You have never comeback, and said what happened to these other guys you have met this year, just curious why not?

Another way to describe something that's already been touched on:

"For girls, there's no such thing as 'just sex', all sexual activity triggers deep feelings of connection with the guys, whether it's desirable or not. Having sex quickly makes it difficult to properly judge your compatibility.

In short, for women sex releases emotionally and creates connection.

For guys, 'just sex' is the norm and very easy to experience, so to increase your chances of a deep connection with a guy, you tap into his predatory instincts and make him work long and consistently to achieve his 'prey', you. It's not punishment, it's understanding what truly motivates men."

In short, for men sex releases physically and creates reduction in stress.

Guys are way simpler than women EVER truly understand. Most men can be motivated to do what you want if you use the proper techniques... praise and admiration in private and public. But it's hard to praise someone you're unhappy with, right? Too bad, it's amazing, and it works almost every time it's tried.

But girls often try to use the tools in their arsenal that motivate women, emotional tugging, sex (remember, for a guy this isn't the deep connection event it is for women), withholding approval/attention.

Those behaviors would most likely get a more "come back at you" response from other women, but guys get bored with that very fast and their attention starts to wander. Not good when you achieve that result.

Anyway...

Quote:

He says he doesn't know and isn't sure he wants anything serious. He also said maybe we should take things slower because he isn't trying to play me and doesn't want to get played either.

Guys will say this just because the sex is good, and they want more of it.

What would you expect them to say??