Hi,

I've been 8 months out of a relationship and I still get so puzzled as to whether what I experienced was abuse? I met this guy in Aug, 2008. It was like a thunderclap of excitement and emotions and feelings I don't think I've ever experienced so quickly for one person. He truly seemed amazing. He got me, he was funny and engaging and warm and supportive and knew how to say the right things. I felt like I got it right... But after time I felt this weird niggling feeling, I couldn't put my finger on it. At first I thought I was having a mini freakout because I was so overwhelmed with feelings and didn't know what to do with them and that everything seemed so perfect.

First incidents started coming slowly but they were strange... I introduced him to my parents for a meal and it went really well... But a few days after he started making sexual jokes/references about one of my parents. I just didn't know how to respond. I haven't come across that before. That happened in a "jokey" way about 5 to 6 times, spread out over a few months. I also sighed at him once, for not understanding something I said, didn't mean to - it just came out as a sigh. He screamed at me and called me names. Then apologised. That started becoming a regular thing - a misunderstanding followed by screaming in my face out of the blue. I really tried not to agitate him believe me. Then followed days of perfect calm and happiness. Then it went back to screaming again. He also saw one semi-naughty pic I took of myself years ago on my computer, the only naughty thing I've done - and started berating me about it, questionning who had seen it, that I was a slut. I then found on his computer a sex list - charting everyone he's slept with, what they were like in bed... AND whether he convinced them to use protection or not. There were about 15 people he didn't use protection with - when I quizzed him, he totally shut me down for it, told me to ignore it but would go and get a test done (luckily turned out fine)... I moved countries for this guy, already by this point my mind was going back and forth whether it was the right thing to do, but it was too late. I moved for him, he began to emotionally threaten me when he didn't like something and that finally I was standing up to him, so he chucked me out of his apartment and I had to crash in a friends storecupboard for a month whilst trying to make it work. During this time, the verbal stuff became worse and more out of control. He made off the cuff comments about my mother being "really sickly" because she is terminally ill and my sister "possibly dying in Egypt" because she has health complications relating to her stomach. He threatened to look elsewhere (for sex) if I didn't give into having sex because I was turned off him for a couple of weeks. He liked choking me during sex and even one time said "can I bang your head against the glass door in the shower next time we're in there together"? He'd also point at my stomach and say he wasn't happy with what he saw and he couldn't be with a fat person, in other words, lose weight or I'll dump you - and you know what I'm a slim person.

There's more stuff on that same level that I could go into. But why am I so confused. Would any of this stuff bother anyone else? I carry it around with me everyday, I don't know if that's my personality to brood and hold it in so much or if it was damaging that I'm still working through it on my own and it SHOULD take this amount of time?

Anyone got any opinions or advice on the matter?

Please let me know/share your thoughts.

Thanks :(

You have been emotionally and mentally abused...

Its not all in your head.

I hope that this jerk and dangerous man is well gone from your life.

Dealing with what happened to you will take time, I would even suggest seeing a counsellor,seriously..

If you have got out,well done, most women stay with abusers for years.

Yes, it was abuse. If you had stayed with him it would have likely turned into him not letting you see or talk to anyone without him being there, if he let you at all, and you would probably have started hitting you at some point.

He sounds like he needs medicated and serious therapy. You did a very good thing by leaving him behind. Keep him out of your life.

I think the relationship you were in was abusive on many levels. Your best bet is to take the time and allow yourself the time to get over the relationship and seek counseling to assist you in this. You need to get over the experiences that you had to allow the next person that comes in to your life the opportunity to treat you right. You deserve better.

Yes I think this was abuse, and glad you finally started to pay attention to the very glaring red flags, and got away from him.

He was a very sick, abusive, freakazoid! Definitely not relationship material for you, and honestly the first bad word directed at you, should have been the last!

I agree with redhed that it might be a good idea to see a counsellor and get some perspective on what you've been through. Abusers, and , clearly this was abuse, tend to brainwash their partners into believing they deserve what is being handed out to them and that needs sorting out so that you can realise that this was all about him and his sick mind I wish you all the best..

Hey guys

Thank you so much, I have had some counselling and am considering going for more only that I was doing well for a while but maybe its this time of year - the pain has resurged. I am not in a totally bad way I just feel sad and heavy with memories sometimes. Its also a weird thing to admit to but I just never imagined being involved with someone like this - as some of you have said "dangerous". So it sometimes feels like the experience happened to someone else, but obviously I accept reality, it did happen to me.

It really really helps to read your advice, none of what I said has been exaggerated - it was as it was. I am trying to look to a better new year, however cheesy that sounds, but there's a cliché why we look to a new year with new beginnings for a reason. I'm trying to do the good work - from the bottom of my heart, anyone taking time out to give me advice here, it makes me really grateful.

Thank you guys.

Learning from and facing the past lets us go forward into the future,but remember its over... your still healing but healing none the least.

Understand that what he said and his reactions were beyond your control and not all guys are like that,by a long shot.

You survived an abusive relationship.

Well done.
Now keep looking out for you and do all you can to move on.

Thanks redhed. I really do hear you.

It is over - I'll use that as a mantra, for all those moments I get bouts of doubt or moments I have a painful memory. I'll remind myself its over, and that's a good thing on all levels!

At a guess, it sounds like you have a story to tell yourself, you seem to recognise a lot about what I went through.

I thank you though :)

I'm sorry to say me too! but so have a lot of people on this site,you really have found a wealth of support and information here...

Just one more thing,should he decide to come back or call... no contact or call the cops... no joking..

Be serious when you are dealing with this type of man..

I've heard through his sister, who I am still cordial with, that he is returning next year. Its okay, I don't want contact nor will I respond if he initiates it.

I'm going to get through this, I do realise how dangerous he is - he is on a plethora of mental medication, not that I'm making an excuse for his behaviour, just highlighting that he's a fireball, and no one wants to step to near a wild fire. Well I realised that too late but I'm not going back there again - even in this chilly weather lol ;)

He was trying to make you feel like sh@t about yourself. To make him the better person, mean while he was one of the biggest man sluts ever.

Abuse, All of it is abuse. Sounds like physical, mental, emotional, if it was not physical it was turning that way.

Sorry you went through this but happy that your out of it.

Joe

You know its so weird hearing this opinion from you and other people, I didn't know what it was the entire time I was with him - I just remember feeling so cloudy, confused and unsure of myself. Utter utter despair as well at times. The only times I felt like myself was when I was away from him and I could breathe. But I just didn't know the definition for it. I know its not the kind of thing you should expect from a partner NOW, but at the time I didn't. Stupid of me eh?

Well the physical stuff, he was rough with me, but never got punched and slapped - yes choking in bed which I kind of consented to stupidly because I wanted to please him. But that's not love, I know that now.

No you weren't stupid-we have all made the mistake of getting involved with the wrong person at some point in our lives.
Try to see this as a learning experience and pat yourself on the back for being wise enough to get out of it.

I think with hindsight, once it doesn't hurt so much and when this person is out of my head and heart, then I will look at it as a learning experience. Just right now it still hurts a lot, I don't know why but I miss the "good" version of my ex, but even saying it like that I don't know half the time whether this was an act to lure me in before the real him came out :(

Most people are on their best behaviour in a new relationship,once we get to know people,sadly,many of the so called princes turn into frogs. Or toads.

Toads is more apt. Poisonous ones too.

Very poisonous!:-)
Keep healing and take good care of yourself.

Thank you, I will

Quote:

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Originally Posted by amicon

Most people are on their best behavior in a new relationship,once we get to know people,sadly,many of the so called princes turn into frogs. Or toads.

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That was a very profound and insightful statement, as isn't that who we fall for? Then as we learn more, our dreams are so shattered, and we wonder where that person went.

That's why it pays to take the time to know someone really well, before you give them your heart.