Ask Me Help Desk - Well, it's all over...

You might remember my 'Girlfriend wants a 'small' break' thread from about a week ago.

We have totally split up now... Done and Dusted... But a few things go with this...

You might remember in my last thread she broke up with me and said 'I can't be bothered with lads at the moment'...

I've always had a gut feeling that she was going out or at least thinking of going out with this other lad and I've always had a gut feeling that she smoked... But I always put these aside and thought I was thinking gibberish...

It's been over a week now, and she's with the lad I thought she liked... Even when we were going out she, him and another mate would go down to the pub at dinner time from college an he would buy her loads of pints, I didn't like her going to the pub all the time of course but I couldn't really stop her, this lad also smokes... And I recently found out she smokes as well... He smokes weed all the time, and she told me that she had a bit at this with his mate as well once, but she said she would never do it again.

Well I think it's about time I toughened up and went with my gut instincts.

She would always seem to defend this lad when I would insult him... Like I would call him a potmong or something and she would get on the defensive and say 'THATS MY MATE!'... She also said a couple days before we split that he would be able to win me in a fight as he had a 6 pack and bigger muscles blah blah, don't know how we got to talk about that so I just snapped and said 'GO OUT WITH HIM THEN!' then she said 'That's not fair he's my mate'... So I said sorry and stuff... Backfired really because she's going out with him now.

No one really likes him, my girl mates are insulting my ex a lot and making her jealous by telling how good I am and stuff so that's cool... What one of my girl mates said is 'You're way better then him anyway, you've got everything, he's just ugly and a potmong'.

If my ex wants to come back to me... Which I hope she does... I am going to... Tell her to let me think about it, keep her going for a while then say to her... NOPE!

So yeah, I'm moving on, still hurts but I'll live.

I've read a lot of things on 'Girls like the Jerks more'

I TOTALLY AGREEEEE!! This person smokes weed/ciggies, drinks all the time, a proper horrible person... Me on the other hand is totally different... And she wants him because he's basically a jerk lol.

Anyone's views? Thank you. :)

While I can appreciate the angst and anger you must feel, don't go paying her back in kind -- it only makes you (a genuinely decent sounding guy) stoop to her level. I am sorry for your loss. But I don't buy that girls all want jerks notion. What I do buy is like seeks like so that means the jerks with jerks and the decent sorts with the decent sorts.

Because you are on the backside of a breakup, give yourself time, and lots of it. Your feelings will change. Learn the lesson but don't hold onto the bitterness and taint your future relationships with it. You may even come to see what a favor she did for you eventually.

And yes, heed your intuitive guts, as you say. Especially in matters of the heart.

Yeah I agree mate, she's a jerk, he's a jerk, good match... She just didn't seem like that to me, I must have been blocking it out somehow.

This is a good lesson for me at 16... To go though this as I won't take no sh*t in my next relationship :) (Sorry for swearing).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gazzy

Yeah I agree mate, she's a jerk, he's a jerk, good match... She just didn't seem like that to me, I must of been blocking it out somehow.

This is a good lesson for me at 16... To go though this as I won't take no sh*t in my next relationship :) (Sorry for swearing).

All right Gazzy, How you doing?

Good to hear from you again...

Yeah, she sounds like she is not worth your time or effort..

Understandable you feel bitter, I would too.. A very good lesson for a 16year old but listen to Val, don't carry this to your next relationship... I mean, you say, I won't take sh*t in my next relationship...

Remember, your next relationship is entirely new and independent of what happened between you and this girl.. Learn from it and MOVE ON but don't carry bad vibes from one relationship to the next because then, it won't be a relationship...

IT WILL BE A RELATION.. Sh*t! LOL:D

Sorry to say gazzzy but the moment she asked for space and said she wasn't ready for lads it was over.

Then was the time to completely pull away. But that is easier said then done.

So I'm sorry for your situation.

But you sounds like a smart guy and I know you are better off without her.

So time to look after you. Focus on yourself and making yourself happy.

Forget her and her loser boyfriend. They can go smoke together. Your better than that and have so much more to offer.

Good luck!

Sounds like you have a little growing you pto do.

No one wants a jealous lover.

Gomng forward NEVER put down some else - it makes you look very insecure.

You should have DISAPPEARED the moment she said 'break' - get lost - but you didn't and she dumped you. We tried to tell you that - but you are young.

Move on. Leave her alone!! Please!!

I did leave her alone man, I didn't contact her at all, then she all of a sudden said she wants to completely call it off... So nothing else I could have done, and I ain't spoken to her since she said she wants to call it completely off which was last Thursday.

I am bitter I must admit... But I know in the long run I will be happier then her and will find someone much much better.

I now realise how horrible she was to me and how much of a biatch she actually is... I can see and think clearly now so it's time to move on.

Thanks for helping me guys! Especially Geoffersonairplane. Keep it up! Lol.

It could be more that you were too much of a "nice guy" ; you know, clingy, needy, calling all the time, jealous, etc. Perhaps she sees a "jerk" as her only alternative. Neither option is good. But, as you say, it's over. Move on with your life. Get out and do the things you enjoy without thinking about her. In the future, be a little more mysterious and not so available. Above all, never show jealousy towards other friends, male or female. The best way to accomplish that is to build a life for yourself now, while you're on your own, before a "significant other" comes into the picture. Get involved with work, school, friends, join a club or a gym, do volunteer work, the list goes on and on. That's much healthier than constantly obsessing over women (or the lack thereof.)

I'm a nice guy, but I was never to clingy or needy... She complained at me once for not calling her enough...

I was there for her, but I wasn't like talking to her 24/7 asking stuff all the time.

She's just a biatch, you get some of them... She's one of them lol.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gazzy

You might remember in my last thread she broke up with me and said 'I can't be bothered with lads at the moment'....

I've always had a gut feeling that she was going out or at least thinking of going out with this other lad and I've always had a gut feeling that she smoked... But I alway put these aside and thought I was thinking gibberish...

Your gut is always right. God, do I struggle with this too. My gut is telling me something but I’m so damn hard headed that I continue to push forward. Although I’m going to tell you to listen to you gut in the future, I know how difficult it can be.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gazzy

It's been over a week now, and she's with the lad I thought she liked... Even when we was going out she, him and another mate would go down to the pub at dinner time from college an he would buy her loads of pints, I didn't like her going to the pub all the time of course but I couldn't really stop her, this lad also smokes... And I recently found out she smokes as well... He smokes weed all the time, and she told me that she had a bit at this with his mate as well once, but she said she would never do it again.

She’s lying.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gazzy

She would always seem to defend this lad when I would insult him... Like I would call him a potmong or something and she would get on the defensive and say 'THATS MY MATE!'... She also said a couple days before we split that he would be able to win me in a fight as he had a 6 pack and bigger muscles blah blah, don't know how we got to talk about that so I just snapped and said 'GO OUT WITH HIM THEN!' then she said 'That's not fair he's my mate'... So I said sorry and stuff... Backfired really because she's going out with him now.

WILDCAT!! Sometime ago we discussed women testing men, and correct me if I’m wrong but this was definitely a test. Actually this has test written all over it. She was comparing the two of you. Ironically enough she was testing you based on a physical level about who was weaker and your reaction showed it bothered you and thus you were weak. I wonder if she posed the same question to him and switched around the result and he didn’t care one way or the other.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gazzy

No one really likes him, my girl mates are insulting my ex a lot and making her jealous by telling how good I am and stuff so thats cool... What one of my girl mates said is 'You're way better then him anyways, you've got everything, he's just ugly and a potmong'.

I know they mean well, but never listen to her friends. If they bring her up change the subject. Even if it’s killing you inside and you want to talk about her, don’t. Just change the subject. Word WILL get back to her that you don’t care and have moved on. That will bother her more than knowing your friends and her still discuss her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gazzy

If my ex wants to come back to me... Which I hope she does... I am going to...... Tell her to let me think about it, keep her going for a while then say to her.... NOPE!

Oh man, am I feeling what you’re saying. But it’s not the right thing to do. Right now your hurting but this fantasy is giving her power over you. It’s going to make you hold on to the pain hoping for the revenge. That’s never going to hurt her and your only going to get more emotionally upset as time passes and this fantasy can’t be lived out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gazzy

So yeah, I'm moving on, still hurts but I'll live.

I've read a lot of things on 'Girls like the Jerks more'

I TOTALLY AGREEEEE!!!! This person smokes weed/ciggies, drinks all the time, a proper horrible person... Me on the other hand is totally different... And she wants him because hes basically a jerk lol.

Anyones views? Thank you. :)

I just read something the other day about never giving a woman more than 50% in a relationship. The male thinks that he is doing all the right things, making her happy and expressing his love and devotion but she starts to see him as weak. She’s never going to say it because, she’s getting all this attention and gifts but inside it bores her. This article said, ideally you should pull back and only give 35 to 40% in the relationship when possible.

I think what happened here is that you gave over 50% so much that you did indeed drive her away and start to think of you as weak. The other guy sounds like he isn’t even giving her much of anything so he presents a challenge and when compared to you he comes off much stronger.

What I’m saying is from the male mind and the cultures we are brought up into you were doing everything right. From the female mind it came off as weak, needy, and you come off as not too sure of yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

What I'm saying is from the male mind and the cultures we are brought up into you were doing everything right. From the female mind it came off as weak, needy, and you come off as not too sure of yourself.

I agree here and couldn't greenie point you Chuff (got the spread message). It takes some discernment to get this and I know it's a bit of a paradox. I married the NICEST man in the world but he still needs to be able to tell me to f--- off now and then.
And when necessary he does! :eek: :D

And I am not implying to you Gazzy that you lacked backbone, just don't confuse being a decent chap with lack of backbone and don't swing that pendulum too far the other way either. Repeat after me numerous times... Easy... does... it! ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

I agree here and couldn't greenie point you Chuff (got the spread message). It takes some discernment to get this and I know its a bit of a paradox. I married the NICEST man in the world but he still needs to be able to tell me to f--- off now and then.
And when necessary he does! :eek: :D

And I am not implying to you Gazzy that you lacked backbone, just don't confuse being a decent chap with lack of backbone and don't swing that pendulum too far the other way either. Repeat after me numerous times...... Easy... does .... it! ;)

Right on val.
Its nice to know every now and then even healthy relationships such as yours require a little "f*#% off" to be thrown around.

I think the strength in my old relationship was this ability to stand up for ourselves but also respect for one anothers thoughts.

Often a time we would get a little heated (in others opinions) only to be laughing about it a minute later.

Its called being human. And something I used to love.

But once again I think it comes back to the word BALANCE.

That is what val is really getting at here. Finding the right balance.

Acept the fact that she is a jerk and is more comfortable around jerks. Not your fault, just they way it is. In time you'll see that. Don't let it change you from being the good guy that you are either. Good guys get the good girls. Notice I said good, not nice.

Big difference between good and nice.

I think you are a good guy most of the time, but perhaps sometime slip into the nice guy category.

Easily done but not always so desirable.

But you're a good guy gazzy. Everyone can see that. So just focus on you.
She isn't worth another minute of your thoughts. But you sure as well are!

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

I agree here and couldn't greenie point you Chuff (got the spread message).

Not to get off topic but what is the deal with that thing. I think I'd have at least 25 more rep points if it weren't for that thing. It sucks when I can't spread it either and I'm thinking to myself, "the point this particular poster makes was great, why can't I give them a point. Sorry just had to rant.

Thanks for the comments guys, just a few things really...

I don't talk to her mates, I only talk to MY girl mates, who all hate my ex lol.

I'm too nice sometimes... Not towards my gf's and stuff... Like I'll ALWAYS do nice things to strangers... Like if they are quite a bit away, and I open a door, I'll wait for them and keep it open for them.. For no reason I suppose, just what I was brought up to do.

Also, she can compare all she wants, this other lad is like a ghost, he's very very skinny, like 2 stone lol, quite tall and he has no muscles at all lol... In a way I'm glad I broke up with her, I couldn't see how much of a biatch she was until now... The funny thing is... My ex used to insult him quite a lot saying he was ugly and stuff... So it's obvious she's only with him because he can just by her pints and ciggies all the time... Once she matures she'll realise what the right decision was. No girl in our college likes him... But as I said, jerks go with jerks. :)

I ain't going to speak to her at all... She doesn't deserve it.

"WILDCAT!!!!! Sometime ago we discussed women testing men, and correct me if I'm wrong but this was definitely a test. Actually this has test written all over it. She was comparing the two of you. Ironically enough she was testing you based on a physical level about who was weaker and your reaction showed it bothered you and thus you were weak. I wonder if she posed the same question to him and switched around the result and he didn't care one way or the other. "

IT WAS TOTALLY A TEST!! 1000% - HE FAILED MISSERABLY by being JEALOUS!!

Going forward you don't care about other guys - you tell her she is BORING you!! Boring you!! Tell her SHE is insecure for bring up other guys.'

There are always aother guys - NEVER put them down - never talk about them - change subjects!! Always. Nothing you can do about other guys.

Be a man and don't worry about them!!

Just a word to the wise: There are a lot of females out there that you will be drawn to, some nice some not. The trick is to find out about them and they're ways before you invest your heart and soul. That's why we say around here is to go slow and keep your life balanced to protect yourself from those that would decieve,use, or who aren't right for you for whatever reasons. Also and as important to remember how you felt when things end or it just doesn't work, because one day you may be the one to wants to leave and they will feel the pain.

:)

Well I'm talkling to other girls now, and I've noticed how much nicer they are from my ex... My ex has always been a biatch without me noticing... At least my eyes are open to this kind of stuff now.

It's almost been two weeks now... Feeling a bit better but I still want to rip off her head and spit down her throat... Hehe.

"I just read something the other day about never giving a woman more than 50% in a relationship. The male thinks that he is doing all the right things, making her happy and expressing his love and devotion but she starts to see him as weak. She's never going to say it because, she's getting all this attention and gifts but inside it bores her. This article said, ideally you should pull back and only give 35 to 40% in the relationship when possible. "

THIS IS GOLD!!

So true!!

You're interest level should always be lower than hers. At least to her it should.