hi everyone! If anyone can give me some insight I would greatly appreciate it as I am wrecking my brain about this. So several months ago I began seeing my upstairs neighbor whom I've known and was friends with prior to us dating. Not to mention that we have a lot of mutual friends. At first everything was great... dinners... great conversations... blah blah blah even made a few trips together and plans of future travels to scotland... and he made it seem like he was really into me... almost to the point where it was borderline clingy. Then after 3 months, slowly things started to change with him... he became distant, phone calls became less frequent... the whole spiel. I wasn't born yesterday, folks, and I've seen that movie "he's just not that into you" so I saw all the signs of a breakup, and so I gave him his space. We never talked about not seeing each other again... it just kind of happened. I didn't attempt to contact him, I was quiet and was a respectful neighbor (because he lives directly above me), and I tried my best to move on and not let it get to me although inside I was really beating myself up about it. After several weeks of no contact, a mutual friend of ours told me that he had been saying some pretty mean things about me... basically that he was "done with me"... and even joked to my friend that he should "go for it" with me... like I'm a piece of meat or something being passed around. I was mortified and hurt. Then one night he randomly decides to contact me like nothing ever happened. Trying to be mature yet still bothered by what had been said about me, I realized that there are always two sides to every story and after giving me an award-winning speech of how sorry he was and that the things that were said about me were totally taken out of context, rather than fight about it, I told him that I would rather forget about it and move on. We hung out several times after that and it was just like when we first started going out but I still kept my guard up... I also didn't give in and sleep with him. And then just like that "poof" no contact again. Trying my best to show that I am not affected, I picked myself off the floor and tried to move on instead of staying at home feeling sorry for myself knowing that he was just upstairs. I distanced myself from our mutual friends a little, became more descreet and stayed less and less at the apartment. Where it's different than from the last time we went without contact is that he has become the neighbor and ex from hell! Recently his stereo begins blaring at 7am and has been having "band practice" starting at 11pm complete with electric guitars and drums... and goes on until 3am! He isn't a big guy but he stomps so loudly throughout the apartment that it shakes. The few times I have run into him (mostly outside of the apartment) I have nicely said "hey" or "hello" and even "happy thanksgiving" (and not in a condescending way either) and he completely blows me off and doesn't even acknowlege my existence. Just last night I was coming home from work and he was outside... he took one look at me and bolted! I get it... it's over... alright... but how did it get to this point? I mean... just a few weeks ago we were on the couch watching a movie together and playing scrabble?? At this point I just don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own home... I am trying to be an adult about this especially since I can't afford to break my lease and I'm trying to be the bigger person also for the sake of our friends that we share and I don't want to make it awkward for them as he has not shown up to several outings because he knew I was going. He's also been talking again about me to our friends basically saying that all I was was a lay and he's moved on. And remember he was my friend at one point in time! I guess my question is why is he intentionally being such a jerk and so hurtful? I have been nice, I haven't talked badly about him to anyone, and I'm intentionally never home for my presence to annoy him. I would expect this from someone in their 20's but he's 35! I just really do not know how to handle the situation and need some advise. Please!

Check out this thread concerning no contact: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-425290.html

You need to decide whether you still want to give this relationship another chance or to move on. Pick one and stick with that decision.

If you want another shot, then tell him how you feel. If he feels the same way, then work on the relationship together.

If you want to move on, then stick to no contact and quit breaking the NC rules, otherwise you're just going to reset all your progress.

Right now, you're in a state of limbo. It making you very confused and dragging out the misery.

What went wrong.. You didn't talk to him when he started to distance himself. If you could communicate openly and honestly as a couple, you would've learned from the beginning why he was acting so strange- and you could've probably come up with a way to fix things with him. You would've also shown love to him, by being concerned. When you just ignored it, you probably gave off the idea that you didn't see anything wrong, or you didn't care.

If he simply changed his mind about you, so be it. Why don't you ask him why he broke up with you, and find out that way, so you can recognize your mistakes in the future?

Yes unless you talk to him you won't know where you stand. Plus you have every right to ask him to keep the noise down.

I appreciate all your insight and I realize the importance of communication and talking with him, but to actually get him to face me and not avoid me is the hardest thing. I feel that his actions with the loud music and his comments to my friends are sometimes deliberate. When he would distance himself from me and started to pull away, I didn't want to push him away even further by being desperate and clingy by contacting him... I don't know I think sometimes by fear of getting hurt probably did us in. plus he also seemed to have a grudge or made a point to make fun of my ex (who he knew and I didn't have any ill feelings against) and I would get upset. My ex is a good guy just didn't work out and I think that made him mad when I would tell him to stop. I guess I don't understant the whole maliciousness behind it all.

It sounds as if he is protecting his ego.
Making sure that everyone believes he wasn't dumped and trying to make it appear that you were the bad guy in this scenario.
Good that you found out what an immature guy he was before you invested anymore time on him.
If he continues to make life uncomfortable with his music and stomping,call management.
You owe him nothing and I would not even give him the time of day.
Trying to be friends with someone who has his level of immaturity is an exercise in futility.
Ignore him as much as possible and warn him if he continues to disrupt your right to a peaceful living environment you are calling management.

Communicating isn't over the top clingy, and it's not going above and beyond the idea of love. If you were both serious about the relationship (especially him) you would've sat down and talked. If you can't do that, then neither of you are ready for a relationship.

You tried, and it didn't work out, so you leave the guy alone, since its obvious he was a jerk from the get go, but you were having too much fun to notice, or he was on his best behavior, or both. Now you know, so move on, and be more careful next time.

I'm not getting the idea that you want to get back with him. I'm just getting the idea that you want to understand why he's behaving like a total jerk. I reckon that trying to understand why he's behaving like this will just do your head in.

Sadly, it probably is because he is just an emotional cripple.

You're doing the right thing by behaving with maturity and restraint. Clearly, he's not capable of doing the same. Take heart from the fact that people, including your mutual friends, will see through his excuses and his bad mouthing of you.

Retain your dignity and don't retaliate. But don't let him drive you our of your home either. Playing loud music until 3am isn't on and there are laws about it. If it continues, I'd call the police and get them to ask him to stop.

What a jerk.

You should be happy to get rid of him. It's obvious that he's a real loser since he's talking and telling others personal things about your relationship. Sounds like he's trying to convince others that he's a real macho-man, but it's really obvious that he's a real creep.

I applaud you for being level headed about the situation even when he's saying bad things about you. I don't think that I could be that kind and understanding. Just keep doing what you're doing and eventually things will cool off. I wouldn't allow him to keep me up at night with his noise though, I think I'd take that up with the landlord.