OK I'm sorry this is long but I want to explain good. I am 21 years old and I am married. I have done something's in my marriage I shouldn't have. I lived with my husband for 3 years before we got married. I was never very happy towards the time he asked me to marry him but I didn't feel like I could go anywhere else. We got married and have been for almost two years. We have a 9month old baby and he never helps with her. He comes home sits on the couch or outside. I work full time come home cook supper have it sitting on the table for him with his drink and utensils every night, clean the house, take the dog out, wash clothes, give the baby a bath, feed her, put her to bed and he just sits there. If I don't cook he gets very upset with me. I have tried over and over to talk to him but he changes for about a month or two then back to doing nothing again. The only time he seems to love me is when he wants "something" and I am very unhappy. I did cheat on him a few years ago but would never do that again. I just want to know what would be best for my child. She is my everything and I don't know if it is best she sees me unhappy her entire life and constantly thinking it is OK for a man and woman to be unhappy or to see me happy but not with her daddy? Please help me I am young and I do not want to make a mistake I will pay for the rest of my life.

You should talk with him and explain how you feel unappreciated, just like you wrote. And go from there.


G&P

Have you talked in depth to someone - a parent, a clergyperson, a trained professional and expressed your feelings as openly and frankly as you have expressed them here?

I know children of divorce who grow up with that fact and are just "fine." I know children whose parents stayed together - and the children wish they hadn't due to the tension in the household.

I also know children of divorce who have problems because of it and children of parents who stayed together and things were "fine."

I think you need to talk to a third party and decide what your priorities are, what your options are, what works for you.

And please keep us posted.

There's no excuse for him to sit and watch you work. It's disgusting and totally disrespectful. It's not a wonder that you're worn out and aggravated.

You aren't his mother, so quit acting like you are. Speak up and tell him that you are fed up with it. Don't fix his meals and have everything set up for him - let him wait on himself. Your marriage can't go on this way -you're getting resentful and he's getting away with being a big lazy bum.

If you tell him how you feel and he won't pulll his share of the work, then I would certainly consider leaving. At least then you'll only have you and the baby to clean up after.

I have spoken to many people. And nothing has helped. I was also brought up in a home where my parents were very unhappy and I knew it and it made me unhappy.

I am thinking of going to stay with a friend with my daughter and just let him come see her and things but not jump to a divorce to see if maybe separation would make him see what is important


Thanks for the advice but I have told him over and over again how I feel he changes for a moment but is back to the same ways.

I just don't want my child to think it is OK for her or anyone else to treat people like this

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Originally Posted by msgirl

If i don't cook he gets very upset with me.

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You're upset enough to be putting this on the internet for the whole world to see and you worry about his being upset?

Maybe you should ask him to read this thread.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by msgirl

I have spoken to many people. and nothing has helped. i was also brought up in a home where my parents were very unhappy and i knew it and it made me unhappy.

I am thinking of going to stay with a friend with my daughter and just let him come see her and things but not jump to a divorce to see if maybe seperation would make him see what is important

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And this very well may work for you. I still think you have to know yourself and what's in your heart before you make any moves.

Your primary concern is obviously the welfare of your daughter. Be very careful that you don't give your husband any reason to file for custody of her - such as leaving and not telling him where you went, living with your daughter in conditions that are not stable/secure, anything along those lines.

Hi,

I have been married 20 years to loving wife I have 2 teenagers who at times surely try ones patience (LOL)
If you can support yourself do it.
Leave the guy, he will not change. Get a divorce move on and find a man who wants to contribute to your marriage. Marriage is a partnership , you have to work at it constantly, if you want it to thrive. Guys don't change! Unless! They want to. Unless, he realises he will lose you and his child. Does he truly love you?
If he did, he would be your soulmate and partner and help you with raising his child and being a comfort to you.
Not all men are callous unfeeling brutes. I have always participated and shared responsibilties and chores and upbringing of our kids.
Remember guys don't change! Find a guy from the get go who will be a lifepartner with you.
All the best

Quote:

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Originally Posted by al0460

Hi,

I have been married 20 years to loving wife I have 2 teenagers who at times surely try ones patience (LOL)
If you can support yourself do it.
Leave the guy, he will not change. Get a divorce move on and find a man who wants to contribute to your marriage. Marriage is a partnership , you have to work at it constantly, if you want it to thrive. Guys dont change! Unless! they want to. Unless, he realises he will lose you and his child. Does he truly love you?
If he did, he would be your soulmate and partner and help you with raising his child and being a comfort to you.
Not all men are callous unfeeling brutes. I have always participated and shared responsibilties and chores and upbringing of our kids.
Remeber guys dont change! Find a guy from the get go who will be a lifepartner with you.
All the best

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I most definitely do not agree that guys don't change. I also don't agree in any generalization that women don't change and people don't change. I also don't believe in throwing a marriage down the tubes until both parties have tried to work it out and the "he'll never change" theory very well may keep this mother from trying.

Whether this particular man will change is the question and I think the OP has to walk through this before she knows that. She also has to know what she wants and expects and express that to him.

Sorry, but I just don't like blanket statements.

That is like saying cheaters always cheat. I'm an investigator. I've worked on plenty of those cases. Some people are serial cheaters. Others cheat, learn from the experience, never cheat again. You cannot generalize.

I don't see what the husband has done that is so profound, that he is the cause of you leaving Msgurl.

That is going to be part of how you decide what you are going to do. If you decide to blame him for you being so unhappy, you may find that happiness is not something that will automatically happen, when you do leave.

It sounds like you've spent a lot of time thinking, and that's really a very good thing. You do have options.

You have said that he has changed for a few months, and then slid back to how he was, so we know he is capable, and obviously he listened to you.

Somewhere along the way, he dropped the ball, and nobody picked it up and kept working on communicating, to keep things on track.

Do you love him? Are you willing to try counselling together? Is he?

It is possible to get the marriage back on track- IF that is what you want.

If you've made up your mind to leave, really think things through and be as sure of yourself as you can.

I wish you well, hopefully you will post with more thoughts.

I'm uncertain what to suggest, since you went into the marriage (too young really), knowing that it wasn't what you wanted and now both of you are deeply unhappy.

I think that you should talk to your husband about what is best for your child, and you need to decide TOGETHER. Clearly, he's not happy either and at your age (and his) neither of you have the wisdom or maturity, it seems, to commit to changing the dynamic in your relationship.

You need to talk to your husband. He should have a say in what happens to his child as well. Talk to him - not an 'unless you change, I'm leaving' type of conversation, but an honest conversation about your unhappiness and your concern about your little girl's welfare.

The other thing that I would add is that you seem to be repeating a cycle created by watching your parents unhappy relationship. Perhaps you don't, deep down, believe that it's possible to be happy in a relationship, or that you don't deserve it.

It would be beneficial for you to work through some of these issues with a counselor before you make a final decision about what to do with your marriage. Your husband may also benefit greatly as well.

Have you suggested couple's councilling?

You already have one child - there is no reason why you should have to raise him to. I think its well past time for him to put on his big boy panties and learn how to take care of himself.
What would he do if you boycotted working for him? Would he just yell? Abuse you? Leave you?

If he would only yell and complain ignore it like you would a temper tantrum from a child. Stop cooking his meals. Stop washing his clothes and doing everything for him until he is willing to listen to you and meet you half way. Marriage is a partnership, not an ownership.

If he is willing to do more then just yell and complain then you should already have the suitcase packed. If he would abuse you or leave you for not being his personal chef and maid then in my opinion you and your child are better off in the long run without him.

A successful marriage is always about continuing to work together and when one falters, the other reminds them of the goal, and they keep on going.

When one partner becomes unwilling to work at it, that's when we have conflicts that needs resolving.

When communications stop, so does the relationship, so just keep talking, as its an ongoing, lifetime thing.

Take a break if you have to, regroup, and keep going. Or its over any way. But you can't just quite when its tough, what kind of commitment is that?

And by the way, its not your husbands responsibility to make you happy. Its yours. He does bear responsibility to work with you, and you both have to communicate.

For fear of being smacked with a wet noodle here, it is possible that he does not value what you do, or undervalues it, and because everything is already taken care of, right down to clean socks and meals on the table, he does not see or understand the work that goes in to make it all happen. It may appear to happen like magic, and there was no thought or particular effort required.

Might be that if he experiences a little bit of your job, he may get a better grip on what it entails.

If you can, why not leave for a day and a night. Go to a relative, friend, etc. Go out for dinner, have some fun, get your hair done- treat yourself.

Leave him a list of things that would normally get done in that day, without padding it.

Might include something like, a load of laundry, soaking diapers, preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner, doing the dishes, vacuum, nap time for the baby. Throw a trip to the store for about 10 things. Read stories, pay a little stack of bills on the table, check the calendar. Well, whaddya know- dentist appointment at 2 p.m.

You now your routine, might be time to give it to him for a few days. Even if he never admits that he had a struggle, or was frustrated or burned out, you'll know if it sunk in, by how he behaves after that.

If you can manage a day off for yourself, why not do it.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

For fear of being smacked with a wet noodle here, it is possible that he does not value what you do, or undervalues it, and because everything is already taken care of, right down to clean socks and meals on the table, he does not see or understand the work that goes in to make it all happen. It may appear to happen like magic, and there was no thought or particular effort required.

Might be that if he experiences a little bit of your job, he may get a better grip on what it entails.

If you can, why not leave for a day and a night. Go to a relative, friend, etc. Go out for dinner, have some fun, get your hair done- treat yourself.

Leave him a list of things that would normally get done in that day, without padding it.

Might include something like, a load of laundry, soaking diapers, preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner, doing the dishes, vacuum, nap time for the baby. Throw a trip to the store for about 10 things. Read stories, pay a little stack of bills on the table, check the calendar. Well, whaddya know- dentist appointment at 2 p.m.

You now your routine, might be time to give it to him for a few days. Even if he never admits that he had a struggle, or was frustrated or burned out, you'll know if it sunk in, by how he behaves after that.

If you can manage a day off for yourself, why not do it.

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A day? Sheesh Jake, it would take me a week to do all that at the moment!

Lots of suggestions about talking to him. I disagree. Talk with him, rather than to him. That means both people listen, as well. Politicians talk to you, but do nothing (or worse)