Ok, so I tried to type this up once and it was a novel let me try to list the major points instead:
- I had an excellent childhood. My adolescence has been riddled with sexual, emotional, and physical abuse from the romantic men in my life from the age of 13
- My current ex (Mark) has been a wonderful man, however, he lacked in several areas that I found were important to me and also I felt that he was not always in tune with my wants and needs as he thought he was. I told him this and explained it to him once I realized however it was too late to save the relationship so I broke it off.
- We still live together and I told Mark part of the reason I had to go was I had developed feelings for his best friend, Chase, because I see in Chase that which I was lacking in Mark. It wouldn't be fair of me to stay in a relationship with Mark and think of Chase. Mark respected that decision, but asked me not to pursue Chase; even threatening emotional vengeance such as sleeping with someone that would bother me and videotaping it to send it to me.
- Choosing to be true to myself and my needs, I selfishly pursued what I thought held the possibility of unparralleled bliss. I thought I could persuade Chase the same and probably came off a bit too strong too fast, but that's the type of girl I am.
-Chase seeing that I was quick to disrespect Mark by contacting him to initiate contact, Chase told me we'll never be together adding that he never felt an attraction to me. Before knowing the full story of our breakfup, Chase was OK with speaking to me feeling it was not a betrayal to his friend as he can talk to who he wants to. After finding out I had feelings for him and him telling me no he couldn't do that, he still at first asked me to stay when I said OK, I'll go then, have a nice life. I told him he was sending mixed signals and he said he liked the conversation and nothing more.
-Both Mark and I have felt that Chase has displayed interest in me on numerous occasions by things he's done such as looks he's given me and things he's said so I find it hard to believe that he's being honest with me even though I've been completely honest with him.
-So now Mark is embarrassed that Chase knows that he was able to steal his girl even if he doesn't want her. He's mad at me, which I understand, but I only feel remorse in that once again his pain is an unfortunate victim to my circumstances and needs. I do love Mark and don't want to keep hurting him, but I have to know what's right for me.
-As for Chase, well, I'm pretty sure that if he did find me attractive all my honesty still won't make me attractive to him and although I think we have a very real shot of this being something more than what I've had so far because all the elements are there (no I am not unaware of his flaws. I just don't think they're that serious that I can't deal with them as one would be expected of the one we love). I think he'd find that too if he'd give me the chance, but I guess it's just not meant to be and so I'm left weak and vulnerable showing my heart again... I keep getting reprimanded for not being honest, but people don't seem to get that honesty isn't always easy. I'm being honest as soon as I possibly can and before any further damage can be done. I got my answer. I had the opportunity to sit in silence and continue letting Mark take care of me even though we're broken up without telling him of my pursuance of Chase. Don't I deserve credit for what I believed it and for then confessing to it in spite of the idea that it might leave me homeless? And what do I do with this suspicion that Chase is the one that is destined to get away. He awakes in me a passion I haven't felt since innocence and the intensity is too much and it shows too much and I know men run from that so I don't know what to do.
Thanks!
Alice's Broken Heart in "Wonder"land

Excuse me? You break up with your ex,you don't move out and then,as any decent man would do,your exe's best friend turns you down and you still think the two of you are meant to be?
Smell the coffee and remember what actually happened. I'm sorry(not really) but don't you see that you come across as very selfcentered? It seems to be all about you and your wants and needs nobody else's.

You're so selfish and it seems that you've intellectualized the whole ordeal but in the end you still come across as a selfish, flaky, and immature.

Here's what you do: move out of your ex's house.

Also, get it through your head that if this Chase guy actually is a great catch he probably wouldn't want anything to do with a person like you at all. Men understand that women, especially those like you, who will throw everything away on a whim for Prince Charming, will come and go and are never worth destroying friendships for.

Seems like you've blown both a relationship and a potential one to bits.

You don't want Mark, you want his friend, but his friend doesn't want you.

Its very simple really, get out of both their lives and get your own. What's so hard about that? Oh that's right, you need someone to take care of you, but you don't want the one that is taking care of you.

That's a problem with an easy fix also, take care of yourself, and enjoy doing it.

Problems solved, check in the mail, right??

Quote:

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My adolescence has been riddled with sexual, emotional, and physical abuse from the romantic men in my life from the age of 13

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You are using the men in your life to make you feel good and not looking to yourself to take care of your own happiness.
That is why you have had a past riddled with abuse .

You need men the way a junkie needs a fix and no one is going to answer those needs for you.Maybe for a time,you will feel good but it sounds like you will be going from man to man looking for some illusive happiness that you need to find by searching your own heart.

Look at what it is that you are lacking in yourself that you think another person can give you and you won't be so needy and dependent.

You are looking for love in all the wrong places.Look inside yourself.

I think given the problems in your past your acting in a very selfish and ill manner. I think you need to get some therapy going on in your life. Second, Chase very well may like you but the one thing that keeps you two apart is possibly the fact that he knows how to be a true friend. The man that you are living with clearly cares about you since he hasn't put you out on your butt. Chase sees that, honors that and is not willing to jeopardize his friendship to get a shot at someone that clearly isn't loyal. If you are unable to think of Mark think of Chase. Is this feeling that has awaken inside of you really worth you messing up other people's lives? Step back, get some help and show some aapreciation for a man that is willing to help you when you clearly are in need of someone in your corner. Value yourself higher than you are.

Wow, talk about needing a harsh dose of reality. It was painful to read your response and take that introspective look at myself, but I thank you all for it. Had I not read what you had to say and really taken it to heart, I would never have learned a valuable lesson and I would've continued on thinking that I was mostly right. I do know that I need to get stronger on my own first. It's why I left Mark, but I should not have rushed into anything with Chase or even gotten into anything with him to begin with. If it had been meant to be, it would've happened in some way. I thought I'd share my actions towards the beginning of taking responsibility below. Please be as brutally honest as before. Thank you all!


I F****D UP AND I'M SORRY! So who knows if either if you will read this or if both with delete it without a second thought, but it's my attempt at making amends for something that I so foolishly defended. I'm not going to bore either of you with details of my sudden "epiphany", but let's just say I've heard enough arguments to dispute my previous viewpoint that it caused me to rethink everything. I wrote to you both at the same time, the same letter to show that I'm not trying to hide anything or play any games, I'm not looking to change anyone's opinions (though it would be nice), but I am looking to start taking responsibility for my actions and starting learning from my mistakes and the least I can do for either of you at this time is to offer my apologies though I don't expect forgiveness or absolution in return. I'm sincerely geniuinely sorry to both of you and since the least I can do is start apologizing: here I am. Mark, I am sorry to you for many obvious reasons that I was being too selfish to see before. I was taking only myself into consideration and I'm EXTREMELY fortunate you are not a lesser man in that you've continued to stick by me at a time that I really didn't deserve for you to. Thank you because had you not, I might not have learned this lesson and it's one I needed to face you know that. I will of course let you know more later, but I wanted to send you an e-mail so that you have some concrete evidence that I'm not completely evil although recent behavior would contradict that statement. I also sent you the e-mail so that I could contact Chase to apologize as well in a way that showed to both of you that my motives are geniune and sincere. As for Chase (though I'm almost sure you've deleted this without a second thought), I clearly made some bad judgement calls and my pursuit of you from start to finish was one bad judgement call after another.I made a fool of myself especially over something that was completely conjured on hearsay and an overactive
Imagination. I'm sorry for misjudging you and your intentions and making you uncomfortable. It's not fair to you or Mark that I've caused a rift or any amount of discomfort or distrust between you that was unnecessary especially at a time where you both need a solid friend in your lives. It was selfish and disrespectful to both of you for me to even try. I could give you both excuse after excuse, but that's useless and bottom line is I was wrong and it's time I start taking responsibility for that. With that said, I've been long winded enough, so my sincerest apologies and deepest regrets to each of you for the pain, suffering, drama, and/or bulls***.

Sorry that was actually the draft, this was the final resulting letter:

I ED UP AND I'M SORRY! So who knows if either if you will read this or if both with delete it without a second thought, but it's my attempt at making amends for something that I so foolishly defended. I'm not going to bore either of you with details of my sudden "epiphany", but let's just say I've heard enough arguments to dispute my previous viewpoint that it caused me to rethink everything. I wrote to you both at the same time, the same letter to show that I'm not trying to hide anything or play any games, I'm not looking to change anyone's opinions (though I won't lie, it would be nice), but I am looking to start taking responsibility for my actions and starting learning from my mistakes. The least I can do for either of you at this time is to offer my apologies with the knowledge that I don't expect forgiveness or absolution in return. I'm lucky to have come away as unscathed as I did and that speaks volumes. I'm sincerely geniuinely sorry to both of you and since the least I can do is start apologizing: here I am. Mark, I am sorry to you for many obvious reasons that I was being too selfish to see before. Third person perspective (FINALLY!): wow, what a b****! I was taking only myself into consideration and I'm EXTREMELY fortunate you are not a lesser man in that you've continued to stick by me at a time that I really didn't deserve for you to. Thank you because had you not, I might not have learned this lesson and it's one I needed to face you know that. I will of course let you know more later, but I wanted to send you an e-mail so that you have some concrete evidence that I'm not completely evil although recent behavior would contradict that statement. In keeping with honesty, I also sent you the e-mail so that I could contact Chase to apologize as well in a way that showed to both of you that my motives are geniune and sincere and I'm not simply looking for a way to re-establish contact. As for Chase (though I'm almost sure you've deleted this without a second thought and wouldn't blame you for it), I clearly made some bad judgement calls. Clearly, my pursuit of you from start to finish was one bad judgement call after another.I made a fool of myself especially over something that was completely conjured on hearsay and an overactive
Imagination. I'm sorry for misjudging you and your intentions and making you uncomfortable. It's not fair to you or Mark that I've caused a rift or any amount of discomfort or distrust between you that was unnecessary especially at a time where you both need a solid, loyal friend in your lives. It was selfish and disrespectful to both of you for me to even try. I could give you both excuse after excuse, but that's useless and bottom line is I was wrong and it's time I start taking responsibility for that. With that said, I've been long winded enough, so my sincerest apologies and deepest regrets to each of you for the pain, suffering, drama, and/or bulls***. And thanks for the long overdue lesson.

Nice letter, but what does this actually change? Are you looking to start your own life or merely keep what you have now??

An apology is a start, but where are you going from there? In my opinion you need to quit living with Mark because it only gives him a faint hope that you'll take him back. You aren't ready for a new relationship either until you are out on your own and standing on your own two feet. Move on and let Mark heal.

Mark and I are quite aware of that and as for that part of it, I have never just decided we would continue living together. We are both looking to find new places to live since neither can afford to stay here and I plan on leaving them alone. If at some point later in life I am lucky enough for either of them to come back to me in some capacity be it friendship or something else when I'm more ready for it, I would have to re-evaluate then.

In answer to everyone's questions about looking to have my own life. I was never disillusioned and thought I could just stay here. The only reason I'm still here is because neither of us can afford to go anywhere but our lease is almost up so we'll be apart completely within the next month and a half that's just economically how it has to be. I have been honest with Mark about everything as far as the chances of us being together, where I'm coming from emotionally, and what I know I need to do from here. I will continue to be honest, to recognize my mistakes when I'm wrong and apologize for them. I am currently in school and currently looking for any jobs that I can (with two potentials at the moment) that I can use for an income after recently being laid off (last week). In spite of my shortsightedness in this matter I am generally a well-rounded intelligent person who tends to make mistakes. So in conclusion, yes, I am working on making a life for myself. That was always my intention and perhaps I wasn't clear with anyone but I never meant to jump directly into a relationship with Chase. I wanted to begin a friendship that could possibly lead to something later, but without hiding the fact that those were my intentions. BEFORE I start getting yelled at for that statement, keep in mind, I'm not devaluing the lesson I've learned. I still realize I was wrong and I'm not trying to justify my actions, but I thought it was important to know that I'm not JUST some stupid selfish girl who is messing with people's lives... I actually do know that I have self worth, however, I understand when I've made mistakes and it makes it difficult for me to see my self-worth when I've clearly just exploded a "me" bomb where everything was all about me with little to no consideration for others. So while again, I appreciate everyone's input, perhaps the vultures could stop picking at the flesh?

The letter is an effort in futility.

The term 'there are plenty of fish in the sea', definitely applies here. While you admit to your error, focus on one step at a time. In finding yourself you will find other mates more suited to you and with a development of self, you will know better what you want.

If the living conditions are necessary, make the most of the time. Do you own thing, keep the living situation civil and let the past go. Your relationship with both parties should end, so making amends past civility for now is pointless.

In the future it will never work out well to date someone and then believe you can date any friends or acquaintances of that person following. As you would not wish that fate on any of your ex's and your friends, don't put others in that scenerio, no matter how strong the connection. When you date someone, that makes all of their friends off limit territory.

If your asking us to sugarcoat the advice and play nice, my answer is NO, as telling it like I see it and getting your input back is the way I roll. Most of us do, that's why being clear and precise is a good way to convey your thoughts and feelings, so you get honest opinions based on the facts as you present them. That's how the site works, and its to help not put you down.

Most of the people here have faced the challenges you are now, and have learned its better to build around yourself a solid foundation and jumping from person to person, is a disaster, especially if they are good friends. Decision made on facts and not just the feelings, are ideal, hurtful sometimes, but a lot more rewarding in the long term growth.