I am feeling a bit uncomfortable about mentioning this here. But I guess, the community over here can help me with this. So here is the background.

So my wife had a long relationship with this guy, her office-mate back in India. They were together for almost 2 years and from what I know now, they had shared a few moments of intimacy between them. This was when I was not engaged to her or even knew her.

Ours is an arranged marriage and we got married about 6 months ago. We know each other for about 8 months now. She told me about this past of hers, although not everything, when we were honeymooning. I was mad, but thought of giving her a chance, since she said that he is out of her life. We live in the US and her ex is still in India. That way I was relieved that she won't be able to get back to him easily.

Everything was fine for the last so far and we both love each other. But recently her ex had an IM chat with her. He said to her that his brain tumor, which my wife confirmed he does have, is getting worse and that he is not taking any medication for that. That he wants to die now as being alive he always is reminded about her. My wife was absolutely broken and she cried in my lap about her ex's condition. I pacified her saying that you do not have to worry about him and that he must be having a lot of people to worry about him including his parents. But she instead chatted with her even more. Her ex started tormenting her now saying that she needs to stop talking to him and that she makes his days go waste just by talking to him and that he will soon die, making her cry even more. He said she should lead a happy life with her husband that's me. I felt that he was being a nice guy that he isn't. This was because the next day he told her that he has already arranged for a surgery in India for getting his Brain tumor cured. So he definitely was playing with her. Couple of days later he himself originated a chat and told her that he got a dream last night of them "doing it the way they used to do it". And then he again asked her to not to call her. (Yes she did not tell me this, I have been spying!). This is too melodramatic for me to believe. But my wife does, apparently.

What I feel is that he does not want her to forget him and he is desperately trying to get back to her. I am feeling a bit insecure since I learned that they have had sex before, although it was when I did not know her. She says to me every time that she does not think about him the same way and also cries to me to convince me that she loves me. I know she loves me, I love her too. Just that I don't give a damn to her crying and don't believe her. I fell that the guy is playing with her and she is not able to understand it.

Am I being too worried about this thing? Is it not too serious? Also have I been wrong in not telling her to stop chatting with him?

It is a very long question, I understand, but I hope someone will help me with this.

She shouldn't be talking to this guy at all. He is her ex, and if she has any respect for you, she will stop it immediately. She is married to you, she needs to grow up and stop acting like a little girl. I wouldn't put up with that.

Hello worried,

It is clear that he stll has feelings for her... and she has feelings for him. I see where your wife is coming from though. Try to put yourself in her position for a second and bare with me here.

Say you and another woman were close andhad strong feelings fro one another, even had love afffaris. Then you move away with another. Time goes by and she contacts you saying that she has a tumor.. Well, I'm sure your first instinct would be upsetting. Now, she is telling you the same song and dance that this man is telling your wife. So let me ask you this, how would you have handled it??

I don't want to be one of those people who is going to tell you that she is 100% wrong. She's human! Yes, married to you, but human. No, she should with hold any information from you, however, trying to keep you from getting hurt..

I don't really know much about arranged marriages nor have I ever known anyone to have an arranged marriage, but I do know that if I was lovers with someone and had strong feelings for that person, I couldn't just turn off my feelings for them.

On the other side of the token, if she knew that she would have an arranged marriage, then she shouldn't have invested time and love for someone else. Try to talk to her about it. Get all of your feelings out on the table. This will most likely subside. Try not to push her away. Talk to her. She is not a bad wife for showing her concerns to past love.

I hope this helps you a little. Good luck my friend.

Hello again worried,

I re-read my post to you. I got a new laptop, so I am sorry for some typos in my prior post. I meant NO, she should not with hold any info from you... Thanks

I understand what you are saying here Enigma. Thanks for a very good advice. I will talk to her more about this. I am fine with her feeling bad about her ex when he has a tumor.

My concern though is that this guy first made her cry saying that he is not taking his medication and that he will die soon. And then he said that he has actually arranged for a surgical procedure a month ago. Also he keeps on reminding her about their past and the way they used to do it. And guess what he saw them doing it the exact way they used to in his dreams. Now come one give me a break.

Am I wrong when I feel that this guy is just using the classic ways of getting back with ones ex?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Hello worried,

It is clear that he stll has feelings for her...and she has feelings for him. I see where your wife is coming from though. Try to put yourself in her position for a second and bare with me here.

Say you and another woman were close andhad strong feelings fro one another, even had love afffaris. Then you move away with another. Time goes by and she contacts you saying that she has a tumor.. Well, I'm sure your first instinct would be upsetting. Now, she is telling you the same song and dance that this man is telling your wife. So let me ask you this, how would you have handled it???

I don't want to be one of those people who is going to tell you that she is 100% wrong. She's human! Yes, married to you, but human. No, she should with hold any information from you, however, trying to keep you from getting hurt..

I don't really know much about arranged marriages nor have I ever known anyone to have an arranged marriage, but I do know that if I was lovers with someone and had strong feelings for that person, I couldn't just turn off my feelings for them.

On the other side of the token, if she knew that she would have an arranged marriage, then she shouldn't have invested time and love for someone else. Try to talk to her about it. Get all of your feelings out on the table. This will most likely subside. Try not to push her away. Talk to her. She is not a bad wife for showing her concerns to past love.

I hope this helps you a little. Good luck my friend.

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Hello again worried,

No, you are not wrong for having those feelings... I don't know this other man, nor do I know what the conversations consists of between the two of them. He very well could be playing her. I believe that there is no need for him to bring up the past, such as where and how they made love. That is where your wife DOES need to draw the line. My whols thing is about you and how you can go about it in a kind way when it comes to your wife.

If this man is legit about his tumor, then I am sure that going through that is hard and emotional for him. He thinks he's dying and has no chance, then he finds a cure so-to-say, then he wants to die, then he wants to live. It's an emotional rollercoaster for him I am sure. HOWEVER, he shouldn't expres those kinds of feelings! So, again, I tell you, no, you are not wrong!

That's why you should talk to your wife, because she might feel obligated to hear his stories, especially if she thinks he is dying.. Does that make sense?

Thanks a lot Enigma. I think this is a very good advice that you gave me. I will definitely try to talk to my wife and sort things out. Thanks once again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Hello again worried,

No, you are not wrong for having those feelings...I don't know this other man, nor do I know what the the conversations consists of between the two of them. He very well could be playing her. I believe that there is no need for him to bring up the past, such as where and how they made love. That is where your wife DOES need to draw the line. My whols thing is about you and how you can go about it in a kind way when it comes to your wife.

If this man is legit about his tumor, then I am sure that going through that is hard and emotional for him. He thinks he's dying and has no chance, then he finds a cure so-to-say, then he wants to die, then he wants to live. It's an emotional rollercoaster for him I am sure. HOWEVER, he shouldn't expres those kinds of feelings! So, again, I tell you, no, you are not wrong!!

That's why you should talk to your wife, because she might feel obligated to hear his stories, especially if she thinks he is dying.. Does that make sence??

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You are very welcome.

I think that she needs to get a reality check on this and that you need to stop checking her emails.

This guy is her ex and that is the operative word. She used to be with him, and she's with you now.

Be realistic about this - he's in India, you're in the US. You supposedly love each other, and I imagine that divorce would be difficult. So how is he actually going to get her back?

Have a talk with your wife - hold back on your insecurity and really talk to her about this. No accusations, no threats, no tears. Ask her what's going on and what she actually feels. Ask her if she thinks there are any discrepancies in his story.

Good relationships are based on communication - so talk with her and once you understand what's happening, tell her how you feel.

It's not appropriate for him to be talking to her about their previous sexual relationship. It's time for her to tell him that she's sorry he's sick, but that it's over - she's married to you now.

When I first read what you said this guy had been talking about I felt he was being inconsistent and using terrible emotional blackmail to affect your wife. Then it suddenly occurred to me that his behaviour might actually be because of the tumour. Just a thought.

This might sound harsh but the stark truth is that either he will get help or he won't be around much longer. If he is making your wife feel that his feelings for her are a part of whether he decides to have treatment or not then he is practically saying it is up to her if he lives or dies. That is a terrible burden for anyone to have put on them. I can understand why your wife would find it hard not to respond.

The possibility that he is lying about this is a dreadful prospect but people have been known to do so. Please remember though that if he is taking your wife in with his lies she is the victim of him not his accomplilce.

I can fully understand your fears as well. You do need to talk together about what is going on and how it is affecting you both.

If his behaviour is not because of his tumour, then it is important that your wife realize that for some reason he chooses to torment her. IF what he says is true, he should be speaking with people a few thousand miles closer, and not burdening her with his problems. I don't know why a person would do that, except to set her up to be involved in his life to the point where she is convinced he will die without her. Perhaps he is really a bit touched in the head?

I hope you take a sympathetic approach with her, but at the same time, you are perfectly within reason to question his behaviour, and her reaction to it.

Is there anyone she could contact to find out the truth about his status?

One thing that concerns me is your statement about not believing her feelings for him have changed. You say that you know she loves you and you love her, but do you really trust her?

I would intervene personally and tell this fellow to leave my wife alone, or a brain tumor would be the least of his problems.

Then I would tell my wife that we had "spoken" and he agreed to leave her alone, but she has to leave him alone also.

Any breach of the "agreement" from either would pizz me off, mightily, and there would be hell to pay.

You're right, and I would give a rats patoot what his intentions are, it stops as of now! Nuff said!