OK, so I've been married for 21 years. Most of the years I've been unhappy. I'm tired of his drinking and abuse. 4 kids later, I've desided that staying together for the kids is stupid! 3 out of 4 have moved out. This September in desperation to find a friend, brought me to a web site. ( I won't mention which one) And I found this awsome guy! Trouble is that he lives on the opposite side of the country. But he flew out her to see me 2 months ago. We were both looking for frienship and discovered that we were soul mates. We weren't looking for a relationship but it just happened. He is single and knows I'm married. But after many talks and e-mails, he has realized that I'm in a abusive relationship. We want to be together, I am planing on leaveing my husband. But I really want this to work with the other guy. I have never heard of such a wonderful relationship. We just connect so well. He sees me for who I am. We communicate. Should I give this thing a try? There are no words to describe how I feel about this other guy. I have met many people in my life but I have never met any one that has even come close to this kind of feeling! I'm looking for any advice!
HELP

If you're going to leave your husband, it needs to NOT be for another man. It needs to be what it is.

Separate these two issues. Make the decision to move out and do it, or not. On your own. Get your life in order. Get your family issues worked out. Make peace with your soon-to-be-ex.

After all that is done, LONG after... months even, then consider starting up with a new guy.

1st rule... no guy will need/require/request you move away from your family. That should be a sign.

I think that we need a little more of the background in order to view this as anything less than adultery.

You are married. This is cheating.

Have you totally written off your husband? Is there no remorse for this man, the father of your children?

The "abuse", what exactly does the include?

Have you tried counseling, and has he tried getting help with the drinking?

And this man that you are smitten with, he knows that you are a married woman, and seems to have no problem with being "the other man", what makes you think that he wouldn't cheat on YOU?

There is nothing wrong with making yourself happy. But there are processes that need to be followed.

You don't go shopping for another man when you already have one at home.

Do your children know about this? And if so, how do they feel?

At what stage in your marriage did it get so miserable for you?

Please let us know more.

If you want to chase another guy, divorce the husband.

Why be a lying, cheating, adulterer, when you want to leave any way?

Absolutely yes, move on with this other guy. Separate from your husband as soon as you can. Congratulations.

Grass is not always greener on the other side.

This other person whether you like to hear this or not is a complete stranger. You do not know him at all.

Either way you take a risk. There is no guarantees in this life.
You either stay in your marriage take the abuse and continue seeing this other person which is not really a good option.
Do not be using this other guy as an opportunity to leave your husband. Either you leave him or you do not.

Before you begin any other relationship. It is best you get divorced. No guarantees this other guy will work out but that is a risk you will have to take.

You have been married so long it looks like your looking for excuses to leave your husband and maybe this other guy is your excuse.

Leave him out of the equation now are you strong enough to leave your husband and get a divorce or not?

I honestly think your in a shock of your life time. Just because you think things will be so much better but you will not know that for sure, because you do not truly know this other person. It might be a breath of fresh air, but that air will soon turn stale and wonder what did you do?

I am not saying it will not work out but you need to look at it on all sides not just the blind side as you are.

So if you want to get out. Get a divorce. Very easy to do now a days. Normally I suggest counseling but in this case I see no point. You have your mind made up.

Get a divorce and then see if the grass is really greener with a guy you do not even know.

You have been married 21 years, mostly unhappy, yet you had four children. One of them is still at home. Four months ago, you met a man on a website, and two months after that, he came to visit you. That must have been difficult to pull off, and required a great deal of planning. Was hubby minding the kid?

You now think that somehow, the 'other' man, is your 'soul mate' and you are over the moon about him. To the extent that you are going to break up your family, destroy your marriage and probably your husband, move across the country, and start over with a stranger.

Are you nuts? :confused:

IF your husband is alcoholic, and an abuser as you imply, he must be unhappy as well. What is your life really like. Is he a good provider? Do you have a sex life? Do you have friends together, family? Do you socialize? Do you work outside the home away from the computer? Have you ever had an affair before? Have you ever separated from your husband in the past? Has he ever been unfaithful?

In other words, just what exactly is so wrong with your life, that you would risk it all over a man you met on the internet, four months ago, and have only met in person once. Think about what you are thinking of doing!!

Get yourself into counselling, please. In all seriousness, you need to talk this through with a therapist and find out what is driving you to potentially destroy your life, and leave you with nothing and nobody. Try to accept the fact that you could be wrong in what you are about to do.

I think you haven't given us enough information either. That too, is part of the plan to paint yourself as a victim, put the fault on your husband's shoulders, and justify an affair.

Thank you for your reply's. It has made me do a lot of thinking. Yes my husband has got help for his drinking. But it's 20 years too late. He is not attentive to any of us, we hardly talk unless I drag it out of him, we maybe have sex once a month or so, he has a bad temper, and as soon as I stopped trying to make it work, we practically have only been room mates. The abuse, mostly emotional, ran over onto my kids. That is the reason one of my daughters booked it outa her as soon as she turned 18. (the reason I stopped trying was because of this.) Long story that includes a major drunken incident. Most of the years I thought I was protecting my kids, turned out that it spills over on to them any way. I have gone to numerous amounts of counseling over the years. I was a stay at home mom for years then worked outside the home. I am curently unemployed. The people I've told in my family that I'm leaveing, have been very suportive and aren't surprised that I finally have made the decision. The other guy wants me to go to counceling too. I'm not moveing across the country, my child (12 years old) will come with me and if he (the other guy) wants to be with me, he will have to move here. Here is where my family is. And he knows this. I'm just tired of making up for his part of the "team" He gives about 50% and so I have to compensate. If you want to ask more questions I'd be happy to reply. Thank you

And I've read "The Shack" Amazing book!

Thank you so much for more information, that really paints a much clearer picture of what is going on with you.

I think that any long term relationship that has been less than ideal because of living with the effects of an alcoholic, is doomed to fail. Once all the work has taken place in keeping the family on an even keel, and the kids are mostly grown and on their own, there comes a time when you re-evaluate.

Where the focus of your years with him was your marriage, your kids and your family, that has changed. It is really sad to me that he was never successful with therapy.

I get the impression that your efforts at therapy probably included possibly divorcing him, somewhere along the way. But, with three kids to support, you make the best decision you can at the time.

With all that being said, I would still encourage you to deal with one problem at a time. This man that you have met and fallen in love with, sounds supportive and encouraging, but there are things you might want to consider before making any big moves.

Take care of business with your husband first. Separation, with divorce as an option in the not too distant future. Get your legal matters taken care of, establish your own bank account, make plans, or have a plan to move by a certain date, or have him move out by a certain date.

If need be, ask a close relative or friend that you both know, to sit with you while you tell your husband what you have decided to do. I doubt it will come as a surprise, but for your protection (even if only emotionally), have a person there when you spell it out.

No arguing, and don't allow it to get out of hand. The conversation can continue at another time where you can get into the nitty gritty.

Then prepare your son, and your other two children as to what is happening.

My best advice to you is to ask your new love to allow you the time and space you need to do the right thing on the homefront. It will be a tremendous upset for all concerned. You will need time, on your own, to get through this after you have actually separated too.

Be strong on your own, before you jump into another relationship. And, use extreme caution with someone you have only met once, via the internet. A very dear friend of mine was badly burned recently.

Please post with your progress.

Positive vibes your way Kloe.

Thank you Jake. You have been very helpful. I have more things to share with you. Would you be willing to give me more advice? My husband has stopped drinking since this incident about 1 1/2 years ago. But I think the damage is done. There is an e-mail that he sent my daughter that I need a professional to look at, would you be willing to help me on this?

Sure Kloe, I'll take a look at it. I'll send you my email address via your inbox here.

Have to add I'll be out for several hours, but will check when I get home.

I can certainly relate to living in an abusive drunken relationship. It is a h*ll all it's own. I know you are feeling sad, unloved, and desperately in need of attention. You definitely need to leave this relationship, but be very careful as sometimes physical abuse rears it's ugly head when they think they're losing you. He has controlled you for years using the emotional abuse, so losing control is something that he won't do without a fight.

You may disagree, but you aren't ready to begin a new relationship until this one is over and you have healed from all of the trauma you've been through. Otherwise you'll be dragging all the heavy baggage into the new relationship and it will most certainly fail.

You need to leave first before you take it any farther with this other man, it he's as great as you say he is, he would hold off and be concerned about both of your morality. He will let you deal with your stuff before you have your relationship so that neither of you are adulturers.
Just leave your husband, if there's nothing keeping you with him, then get out.