girl lost to the land of the rising sun
I've already read so many of the helpful guides on this forum, and also specifically if any of you guys are familiar with his, Sneeze's very informative drama on his love life. It's amazing the difference of in formation you find from a website of people and te information you get from a Google search, haha. Anyway, here is my story. Thank you for anyone who has come to this topic to see what the next guy has to say about his situation. :p
I have known my girl my whole life. Well almost. There have been dry spells butthere came a time at the end of high school that we crossed paths again, and a relationship blossomed. She was my first :)
She was just coming out of her first relationship with her ex at the time of our hook up. He has been in Japan due to family issues, for about a year. And he cheated, lied, and overallbroke her heart. We met again because her best friend and mine hooked us up, and low and behold, we were one for three years. Went to the same local college too. Now, this relationship wasn't without it's scrabbles and mishaps however. Being my first, I was always overly afraid I was doing something wrong. I got better as I went along (don't we all?) in the relationship, but also as we went along (... Don't we all?)... I lost the passion we had. Instead of the hard things I did the easyones, I.e, Planning out an amazing date for no reason or whatever insert x cool thig here... And I didn't do it. Ialways did the less cool thing... Less thoughtful the less special. And eventually she has told me... Okay suki, I think we should break up. She's proceeded after my begging and nagging to give me the list of what I did wrong and should have improoved on the first time. But she kept reassuring me that... She doesn't want a relationship. She wants to be single and just, maybe one day in the future.
Well fastforward through what I like to call the "summer of death", I go to Disney world one day. My old best friend (who was in town and I was catching up with him... The same friend who I had hooked us up) had invited me to Disney, so after getting the rejection from my ex who I asked if she wanted to come, I went as a third wheel. Had an amazing time. On the way back I got a text from my ex asking me to come over, and so I did, and I found the mosy pittiful sight I've seen in my life. She was just curled up on her bed crying when I got there, and I tried to figure out what had happened, and she got so angry at me. She said "Why??? What did YOU never do that kind of thing for me? My whole life I e wanted to go there and you never took me" and basically she was just speaking out of some confusing emotion. Most irrational conversation about Disney world I've ever had with anybody. Anyway, we cry, talk, and eventually she says she wants to get back with me, and me, surprised and ready to give it another go, said yes. And bam... It's like things were back to normal
Almost...
She has lied the entired summer about not seeing anyone when I had asked her. Her ex (who was always trying to contact her) tried to get back together with her. They got back together, and just say the trust and care it took for me unwrap and love this delicate flower during our relationship, she blew all that in one night. She told me all about it when we got back together... Everything... And I forgave her.
Well we decided to go to Japan together. Do a study trip there and have the time of our lives. Here I am three months into the trip, and I've never been so miserable in my entire life. About two weeks ago she told me she was very confused and scared. That sh didn't know if we'd work out or not. That she wanted to try and fix it and make this work. She told me she wasn't leaving but that she just wanted to take a day off to think. After all we are living in the same dorm, so we did see each other quite often. I was like. In my mind, shiiiit... What have I been doing? Am I going to loose this dreamgirl who I love again to my incopetence? If I wasn't on te ball before (are we ever?) I definitely made an attempt to get on it again during that day of silence. I went all out... I had a nice date all planned out and was walking... WALKING all over Tokyo looking for this specific hotel with a really nice restaurant at the very top. Haha it's funny, because once I got there it was acutallu closed, But at least I found it. Here the even more hillarioua part: at my arrival to the train station that was to take me back home, I got a phone call. Yeah.
Went to her room, she said she could never love me and we would never work. She said the 4 or so months we had beentogether had been a complete lie, and that it was over a long time ago. Basically every phrase you never want to hear from someone you love.
Now what the EFF. Tokyo has turned from my dream come true, into the worst nightmare I could have ever imagined in a matter of two days. Why now? Why do this to me now? Why even get back together with me? WHY tell me all the crap you did and then decide this just simply won't work??
In my weakness (I know I shouldn't have but it was more out of confusion than emotion... I know the mistakes I made last time I was "let go") I decided to send her a message. Asking that instead of breaking up and instead of staying together, if this obviously isn't working for the both of us, we could take a break? I said this in all a very adultly orientated voice. Haha. Because I explained... I was very confused and didn't know what had just happened. I wanted to talk... A little more than we did. Her response was... I don't know what to say. Let's let our emotions die down a bit before we talk about this again. She keeps leaving this open door that I want so badly yo either enter, or just shut completely. You know what I mean? I don't know what is going on I her head and... I doubt she does either right now. So, although since we live in the same building, have all the same friends (everyone in the dorm), are in the same classes, I've been doing my best and what I think is the best for me and the best for this relationship, in that I have been avoiding her at all costs. Not rude. Just... The most NC I can do... I'm doing it. But now I feel so lonely... My friends have to choose who to be with from day to day, me or her, and I can't focus on class at all. I'm extreemlydepressedand don't have any outlet for it. I talk to some of the people here, but it still doesn't help.
Yesterday we got stuck in the elevator together. For the firsttime in a while wewere all going to hang together, go do karaoke. She asked me on the way down... " are you angry at me...?". My reply was: *sigh*... Rachel. This is, definitely, not the time to talk about this. And she looked down and was silent. We haven't talked since.
I still love her. What should I do? I pretty much can't and don't even want to do no contact. I want her or closure. How long should I wait for her to think? Before I let her break my heart for real? (I know it's coming. But I'm still Google to do it. I can't deny how I really feel)
I'm very very hopeless at this point. And to effing top it all off, do you know what they do in japan at Christmas time? Do you? It's the most romantic time of the year. You don't spend time together with your family, it's when you spend that entire day flirting and being close with your lover. It's very different than America. And so right now, Im looking forward to having a pretty crappy chrismas. Bah humbug. And what do I do with this gift?
:confused::confused::confused:
