How do I carry on living when I like my best friend who's a girl??
Okay, this is a little bit complicated. Here goes...
I have been friends with a girl called T for threeish years. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I usually get the feeling a care about her miles more than she does me. But when I had an accident and was in a wheelchair for a while, she stuck by my side the whole way through. But as soon as I was out of it, I became part of the furniture. Sometimes, she would be her hyper crazy self, but most of the time she would be depressed and not talk to me about it. She would try to wind me up on purpose, by saying “I’m so hungry!” and “I want a fag sooo bad” and “I need vodka!” and “I need a rizla”. She knows her habits scare me, and she feels bad about it, but when she’s depressed, she goes all snappy and selfish. She has been anorexic and bulimic before, and she doesn’t eat PROPERLY but she’s hooked on weed and vodka now, and it’s like “YOU’RE 14 FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!”
The thing is she has been vaguely normal now. But our friend, her best friend G who’s also one of my best friends is bi and has been for a year or so. And everyone’s cool with that because she’s popular. But then this rumour went around that T and this girl called L were a lesbian couple, and everyone freaked because L isn’t popular. They aren’t gay at all.
Anyway, G managed to get out of me that I’m bi too. We’re just friends, so I trusted her. But I forgot that G and T were bezzies, so she naturally told her. And T was fine with it, but nobody else can know because of how people reacted with the rumour before. T even told me she was bi, but now she’s definitely not, she’s straight 100%.
Here’s the problem: I’ve like-liked T for over a year now, and her and G knew I liked a girl (we go to a girls’ school) and kept trying to guess who it is. In the meanwhile, I stupidly wore my heart on my sleeve, and they got out of me how and how much I like her. I’m a song-writer, so I even wrote a song about her for Christ’s sakes!! Anyway, a month later they both came to the conclusion that the girl was each other. I kept a tight lip though, which annoyed them. I was crestfallen to realize they didn’t REALLY care about what I was going through, they just wanted gossip. Yesterday, G worked out that it really was T, and I gave up denial. She texted: “I knew it! Haha!” and I replied “Tell her and I’ll squish you”, and she said “But she’s gonna find out sooner or later, and I want to prove her right anyway”.
Today, she almost told her In front OF ME. And then she finished telling her later. T means the world to me. I thought it was just a stupid girl crush, but when she drunkenly kissed this guy at a party in front of me, it literally felt like she might as well have ripped out my heart with her bare hands and stamped on it. G said that it doesn’t mean anything, they just pull guys for the hell of it/vodka’s fault. And I’m like: THAT’S NOT THE POINT, IS IT?? She would NEVER in a billion millenniums like me, and liking your BEST FRIEND who you have shared beds and changing rooms and complimented each other’s bras with is WRONG. I know for a fact I’m not some lesbian perve, I don’t have twisted thoughts and fantasies. I just like her so much it hurts. G ended up telling T everything. T calmed me down and told me not to get angry with G, because nothing is going to change. She said she still has the same attitude towards me, and she would never be weird ‘cos this is the 21st Century.
I can barely look at her now. I have to keep my distance, I can’t smell her or touch her or hear her laugh or even look at her properly. I can’t because it will make me like her in that way, which is WRONG. We have to sit next to each other, though. She noticed I was being “cold” and “distant” and generally solitary. She kept saying “why are you being weird? You KNOW I’m not gonna let this go.” So I said “I’m trying my best. Sorry.” In a blunt voice. It’s like, she’s my friend more than before. It’s like, I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS ANY LONGER!! And her and L keep making harmless gay insults to each other, but it still hurts. I’m really struggling trying to keep my FRIEND brain separate from my GAY side of my brain. How come I manage to separate the FRIEND part of my brain with the others with all my other friends, both guys and girls? HOW DO I COPE?!
