I had a complicated fling with this guy from work. It went from physical to deeply emotional. We were both in other relationships so it was off and on, he would end it then come back. He had to move for another job and we kept talking for about a month more (the entire fling lasted about 6 months)... then he ended it abruptly. It took me a year to recover completely. I always looked for reasons to email, he would respond friendly, but if I got the least bit mushy he wouldn't respond. So after a year I decided to stop emailing him entirely (I had been totally platonic up to then). Low and behold after a month of me not contacting him, he writes out of the blue just to see how I am. He brings up some inside joke from our past. This is the first time since he ended it that he has initiated contact with me. I feel the email he sent was semi flirty... like he was prompting me to flirt with him? I waited 2 days to respond and then did so matter of factly (no flirting) he responded immediately. The last email he sent he said "stay in touch"... which confuses me because I was under the impression before from all indications he gave me that he could care less about keeping in touch. Is he interested again, or is he just being friendly? I just don't want to get flirty and then him shoot me down and say, I was just being nice... or completely ignore me again like he did before.

He is just trying to gauge your situation in order to see if he can get you back...

I've done this before with emails and myspace and Facebook messages...

Avoid him, why go down that road again and get hurt?

I learned this recently from my ex who I broke up with 3 times, she was fed up and moved on within days...

And I won't go back to her because I know what path it is and where it ends... and Its for the best for both of us

It took you a year to get over the last booty call so going back would be more of the same wouldn't?

What you think because your both cheaters that you have something in common to build on?

You do, more cheating, and more booty calls.

Let it go lady, you can have a better dude, don't downgrade yourself as a bootycall...

I know you are all right. I really don't think he's looking for a booty call though... I think he just wants to know that I will still respond to him... to boost his ego? Or perhaps he was just being friendly contacting old friends around Christmas. One thing I have learned from myself however is that I don't think I have any real interest in being friends with him. I think I am seeking "revenge" which is a strong word, but I think that I feel powerless because I suffered and he seemed not to... because he took the high road I really can't blame him... ending it was the right thing to do. I guess I just wish it had been on my terms. It just seems like I keep letting him drag me back in when I seem to be making progress.
I have decided to not initiate contact with him, stick to my guns like I did for that month and a half. I need to stop living in some kind of fantasy and concentrate on the things that matter. I was fooling myself to think that we could be friends. There is too much hurt and regretful past for that to work. Every time I have contact with him I wonder if he still cares, wonder if he thinks of me... etc.
It's a losing battle... and I am not doing myself justice settling for that, or jumping every time he shows interest in me... it's pathetic.

No contact is a wise decision. After some time I think you'll find yourself stronger and more confident.
He's in your past,that's where he should remain.
Good luck.

I am 45 yrs. Old and I've been married to the same man for almost 25 years. He is 10 yrs my senior. So from the math you can see I've been married since I was 20... over half my life! I went from my parents straight to him. My home life as a child was not great, so I found a stable home with my husband. The first two years were good. There were some struggles, mainly because he wasn't comfortable with my younger friends, and I felt somewhat intimidated by his older friends. After the second year he began ignoring me and he was very irritable with me all the time. He stopped initiating sex with me, and many times when I would try he would say he was tired. Of course I became suspicious, I was a jealous type in my younger years, I was convinced he was having an affair. I was obsessed with trying to find out if he was. One day I found a post card hidden in a textbook (he was a teacher) from one of his student teachers from a few years ago. It was very provacotive and said Love, Lorraine at the end. I was livid... he laughed at me and said it was nothing... that she had a crush and he never flirted or anything, that nothing happened, besides he said, it was before we were married... but we were engaged I reminded him. Nothing ever came of that, and we went on... I was still very unhappy, felt like he was not paying attention to me and felt he didn't find me attractive anymore.
I went back to school, found lots of new friends. All of the sudden I wasn't following him like a puppy anymore. He got jealous of the time I was spending with my new friends... I told him I wanted to leave. He cried and begged me not to... said he'd change. Admitted that he withheld affection and attention to me because he felt I had no purpose in life, that I lacked drive and initiative. For goodness sakes I thought! I was only 22 years old, perhaps he should've married an older woman! I decided to give it another shot.
Long story short... I'm still with him... he will always change for a bit and go back to his old ways. We have twin boys who are 8 now. My husband is obsessed with biking and skiing... he's a good father but not such a good husband. He is not very sensitive to my needs. I am ashamed to say that I've had several affairs during our marriage. I swore I'd never be that person... but that's what I've become. The last affair I fell in love, and was hurt really badly... but of course how can I complain it's my own fault... so I've suffered in silence. I am not sexually attracted to my husband anymore. I get so frustated and angry with him. In the beginning I had so much excitement and hope for the future. I always wanted a family, a house, nice things and I have that... but I am miserable with him. I don't want to hurt my boys though... they love their father and I'm afraid it would devestate them if we split.
A year ago I again told him I was not happy and was thinking we needed to be apart. Again he cried, saying "this is my house, my children, you're my wife, this is my life...I'm not giving it up"... he swore he could make me happy. He said "You can have the skiis, the bike, I want my life with you and the boys"... but really nothing has changed since then, except I have given up coaching which I loved because I felt it was a strain on our family... with my teaching and the children. His solution is that I take up golf or train for another marathon... but my question is then when will he and I see one another? With his job and extracurricular activities we barely see one another now.
My friends all say he is unfair, they say I should leave if I'm not happy, that staying in an unhappy marriage will hurt my kids. It's so much more complicated than that though... I know nothing else! I've never been on my own... and to be a single mom?? We don't fight in front of the kids and I try my best to be as normal as possible... to make my kids childhood nice and secure.
I am torn! I don't know what to do... my kids are my top priority, but I want to, need to be happy too... I've become a person I am ashamed of (the affairs)... I still think about the last one and the man I fell in love with. He has committed himself to his family and moved away... but he still sucks me back in with emails when I stop communicating with him... I am very vulnerable and just want to feel excitement and desire... I want to feel like I am someone's top priority!

One short question,have you and your husband tried or considered counselling?

How will your children feel if they find out you are cheating on their father they adore?

You have decisions to make about your life and the 'I don't want to be a single mother' is a poor excuse for staying in your situation.

You clearly aren't happy, you talk of how he is all you know, that you have never been on your own, so you resent him. Then you contradict yourself and say you are too scared to be alone and want another man to 'save' you.

Do your husband the respect he has shown you and get out of the marriage, he doesn't deserve adultery, no matter how unattentive he is.

If you choose to stay then focus on what you can do to rectify your marriage and find happiness within it. I suggest marriage counseling. Coming clean about your adulterious ways will also help your husband make this decision with you.

You've been with him 25 years - yes, it's a life time. Neither of you have been able to communicate your needs and have been overwhelmed by your combined resentments and insecurities.

You've been living a lie for a long time and you believe that excitement and desire are what makes a good relationship. Guess what? They don't.

You need to get real and stop living in this fantasy world. Your marriage is dead in the water - or is soon likely to be when you confess to the affairs.

If you are unhappy then do something about it. Act with honor and integrity and stop putting other people's marriages in jeopardy by cheating with them.

If you keep operating out of FEAR - of losing your economic benefits, being a single mother, etc, etc - then nothing will happen and you will never achieve happiness. Act out of INTEGRITY instead - act with respect for your husband, your children and yourself and do something to stop this unhealthy pattern of behavior.

Your husband may cry and beg you to stay but in the end leaving may well be the best thing for him as well. Surely he can't be happy?

Go to counselling, leave, stay - whatever it is that you feel you need to do, but stop the illicit liaisons, take responsibility for your unhappiness and move on from this destructive cycle of behavior.

I can so relate to this thread, I found myself in this situation today as well, but the difference is we didn't have any "intimate" encounter with my former co-worker & mine has a child already & the girl with whom he has a child, they're not married. But I'm so helpless as well whenever he does text me again. I really can't make a good reply since I can't feel trusting him anymore. But I guess it will be your choice to settle or to move on. :)