I'm really confused and heartbroken. My boyfriend of 5 years (We're both 25 years old) recently cheated on me with an older woman. Apparently he only slept with her once, but they had been exchanging text messages for months prior to having sex. I found out after I read a text message from her (I was looking for a phone number on his phone), and needless to say, I was shocked! I confronted him a few days later, and he initially denied it, but after much yelling back and forth, he confessed. He said he had cut things off with this woman and promised me that he has "learned his lesson" and he would never cheat on me again. He told me he loved me repeatedly... and he admitted that he was planning on never telling me about his "mistake." We have talked about marriage, and building a family, and were definitely heading in that direction. We aren't engaged yet, but have talked about doing it "soon" and starting to plan a wedding. We've even started looking for an apartment together; a place for us both. If we find something he was going to move into it, and I would then move there once we are married. I'm really lost and don't know what to believe anymore and if I should trust him. I love him to pieces, but am truly heartbroken that he could cheat on me this way. I totally trusted him, and our relationship has seemed to be really great until now. Help! I need some advice. Especially since I can't think clearly right now. I just want to hear other people's perspectives. Thanks!

Honestly you should probably dump him. If he really loved you he would have never done that. Of course he's going to say he'll never do it again but if he did it once he'll likely do it again. Not to mention they were exchanging text messages back and forth for MONTHS! I was just in a relationship and I loved my ex- I would have NEVER for one second even sent a text message to another girl. Sounds like after 5 years he started getting bored with the relationship. Your trust in him is gone and no trust=no relationship.

It's hard to place myself in your situation, but I'll do my best.

He tells you that he feels it's a mistake, that he loves you, that he could never do anything like that again, and that he has cut all contact with the woman.

If I were you, and you truly love him, I would forgive him. He seems like he really regrets.

I would tell him that he has really hurt you, and that this is something he cannot do. I would tell him that this has broken your heart and a lot of your trust to him, trust he has to rebuild if he wants this relationship.

Then I would, if I were you, and truly loved him, give him a new chance. Take him back. Mistakes happen, and yes, I know from experience, mistakes like this hurt a lot.
But if he truly regrets, and truly loves you, and you truly love him, I reckon it's worth giving it another shot.

You can also tell him that you need time. If he can't accept that, dump him.
It will probably take some time before you feel the same trust to him as you used to, but in my opinion, if both people love each other and work for the relationship, it can handle mistakes, and it's worth working on.


PS: Someone will tell you once a cheater, always a cheater. I beg to differ.

Realistically, anyone can cheat on you. One time has to be the first one.
And while yes, if you've done it once, the second time can be easier, the first time may also have shown you how much that can hurt someone, and it can work as a sort of wake-up call as well.

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Originally Posted by Misshersomuch

It's hard to place myself in your situation, but I'll do my best.

He tells you that he feels it's a mistake, that he loves you, that he could never do anything like that again, and that he has cut all contact with the woman.

If I were you, and you truly love him, I would forgive him. He seems like he really regrets.

I would tell him that he has really hurt you, and that this is something he cannot do. I would tell him that this has broken your heart and a lot of your trust to him, trust he has to rebuild if he wants this relationship.

Then I would, if I were you, and truly loved him, give him a new chance. Take him back. Mistakes happen, and yes, I know from experience, mistakes like this hurt a lot.
But if he truly regrets, and truly loves you, and you truly love him, I reckon it's worth giving it another shot.

You can also tell him that you need time. If he can't accept that, dump him.
It will probably take some time before you feel the same trust to him as you used to, but in my opinion, if both people love each other and work for the relationship, it can handle mistakes, and it's worth working on.

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I understand what you're trying to say but texting another girl behind his girlfriend of 5 years back and having sex with her is more than a mistake. I don't think he deserves another chance. She can say that he has to prove that she can trust him again but he can easily sneak around and cheat on her again without her knowing. It happens all the time.:cool:

I would suggest you breakup with him.
You can't know how many times he slept with this woman,he tells you it was only once but as he at least cheated on you emotionally for months by texting her you can't really trust anything he says.
The trust is gone,and once that happens it's very difficult to rebuild.
A

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and he admitted that he was planning on never telling me about his "mistake."... I'm really lost and don't know what to believe anymore and if I should trust him.

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So he never planned on telling you, and you're wondering if you should trust him?

Obviously he thinks it's okay to keep something so important like this to your relationship that you should NOT trust him. Who knows what else he's kept from you? Heck no. If I were you, I'd cut off any plans for engagement or moving in together and start completely over. I mean, back to square one, as if you had just starting again, he needs to build that trust up again, even if it takes another 5 years. You have to go back before you can move forward.

Tell him that all plans for moving in together or becoming engaged are off, until he proves to you that he's worth it, and trustworthy. I'm not saying dump him, I'm saying make him KNOW that you're serious and can't get away with that behavior. Honestly, He might have even cheated before her, you can't really know for sure if he wasn't even going to tell you about this time. Clearly you two have some communication issues that you need to work out. If you can't trust him to be comepletely honest with you, no matter how ugly the truth is, then you can't expect him to be real with you, which means that the relationship is built on a sand hill.

He better makes sure he tells you the truth about everything important. If he can't talk to you, then you can't possibly have a good relationship.

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Originally Posted by bjohnrupp

I understand what you're trying to say but texting another girl behind his girlfriend of 5 years back and having sex with her is more than a mistake. I dont think he deserves another chance. She can say that he has to prove that she can trust him again but he can easily sneak around and cheat on her again without her knowing. It happens all the time.:cool:

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You're right, and I misread a bit as I'm quite tired, my mistake. I read that he had just sent her messages prior to this - not the part for months. (I'm not suggesting any messages is okay, but it's easier to forgive a message one day, cheating the next day and regretting the day after, rather than messages for a long time, and then cheating.)

I would like to revise my suggestion to taking a break from him.
Do tell him that it's a break, and not a break-up... yet.

You need to do what you feel is right, but before you do that, you must let all of your emotions and thoughts calm down.

If you want to end it, you will be right to do so.
But if you still love him, and want to try and make it work, I would've gone for it, but only if you know the risk and if you are aware that you might get hurt again.

This is a tough decision, so I suggest you either break it off immideatly, or take the time you need, and then decide what to do.

If he was never going to tell you, that is something you can't leave with in a relationship. I'd much rather my partner being honest and telling me, than lying about it and keeping it a secret. Honesty builds trust, and trust builds relationship.

Once the trust is gone, its hard to build back. It will always be in the back of your mind. Is it only one time with this women ? I think if you dig deeper you will find out probably even more, he is hiding. How can you love someone who has cheated on you? It's better to find out now before its too late, and you were married. I would say move on. Good luck..

He is your boyfriend, not your fiancé, or your husband, right? That doesn't make what he did right, but that doesn't necessarily make him a rotten low down dirty life-long habitual cheating lying stinker either!

If you have the truth on the table, and you are sure of that, and comfortable with it, then I would forgive, and move on. To throw a perfectly good relationship out the window for the sake of a one night fling and text messages with an older woman is over the top, and unnecessary.

If it were me, I would postpone any future talk of an engagement and/or marriage for now. I would be looking for any signs that he strayed because he was unhappy, or falling out of love with you, or you start to hear that he is really flirty, things like that.

But, he did choose an older woman, a fling that wasn't going to develop into anything more than what it was.

I'd give him a break, but keep him on a tight leash.

He was not going to tell you... is he sorry because he got caught...

And I bet he was not thinking about you or your life together or how hurt you would be when he was having sex with her... and how many times did he text her,and turn around and say he loved you... he made a plan to be with her,behind your back,wonder what lie he told you to get away?

For me,id walk... I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater,and I do believe relationships can recover from cheating,but for me,I could not continue..

You need either to try and forgive and believe him... and he needs to work damn hard to win your trust back... he did this,not you...

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Originally Posted by Sally0484

I'm really confused and heartbroken. My boyfriend of 5 years (We're both 25 years old) recently cheated on me with an older woman. Apparently he only slept with her once

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Only once... that's okay though.. it was only once.

Cheating 1, 2 or 100 times is just as bad as 1 time.

It really breaks the trust in your relationship!

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but they had been exchanging text messages for months prior to having sex.

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hmm you sure it was once?

Me thinks no.

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I found out after I read a text message from her (I was looking for a phone number on his phone), and needless to say, I was shocked! I confronted him a few days later, and he initially denied it, but after much yelling back and forth, he confessed.

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Of course he confessed you had proof right in front of you... he had no choice.

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He said he had cut things off with this woman and promised me that he has "learned his lesson" and he would never cheat on me again. He told me he loved me repeatedly... and he admitted that he was planning on never telling me about his "mistake."

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Good tatic. Do something wrong then dangle marriage in front of the person who loves you unconditionally. He's a smart one this guy... a dummy but a smart one.

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We have talked about marriage, and building a family, and were definitely heading in that direction. We aren't engaged yet,

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Buzzer goes MEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Your heading that direction... yet... after 5 years... he has what? Right not proposed.

Wake up sweetie, he's painting you a picture not actually bringing you to that place.

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We've even started looking for an apartment together; a place for us both. If we find something he was going to move into it, and I would then move there once we are married.

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Okay I get this.. some couples move in some don't. For some reason though I'm pretty sure he is not wanting to move in with you since there is no engagement and really not real plans. You've been together for quite some time now.. chances are he's telling you "yah we'll get married and get a place" just to keep you happy..

but that's just what I think..

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I'm really lost and don't know what to believe anymore and if I should trust him. I love him to pieces, but am truly heartbroken that he could cheat on me this way. I totally trusted him, and our relationship has seemed to be really great until now. Help! I need some advice. Especially since I can't think clearly right now. I just want to hear other people's perspectives. Thanks!

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5 years -25 = you were 20 at the time.

In my [cynical?] opinion, I think that your relationship won't last, because of the fact you were young when you even started this relationship. You haven't really gotten to know "life" yet. You've been in a relationship fresh out of high school.

My opinon, you've given him 5 years-- it's enough.

Be single. Be free.

I know you love him but personally I think it's that your used to him.

Sometimes it takes for you to step back and see how much sh!t you've actually just stepped on... and from my point of view it's a lot.

Too young to waste your time on a guy like that.

...but this is just my opinion...

First off, there was no "mistake". He did not trip and fall on top of this other woman.

Secondly, he is "sorry", yet he had no intention of ever telling you about it? And he actually denied ever doing any wrong.

He is not very trustworthy, or honest.

The decision is yours, but if you decide to carry on with this guy, you will become a detective, and always wonder where he is.

And he will have a " have sex with anyone I want card".

Never think so little of yourself as to allow someone, who you put so much trust and love in, to treat you with so much disrespect.

If he indeed was sorry, he wouldn't have kept in touch with her. He would have cut off all ties, and come clean to you.

Like someone mentioned, he is sorry he got CAUGHT.

I just thought I should mention that you should get a full health check... in case he did not use condoms.. I would not believe him if he said he did,after all he also said he loved you... but for your own health,get checked out.

OmG I been dealing with a cheater for 2 yrs, not to count my crazy friends who date cheaters all the time. Where do I start?? -it was a "mistake" that's the magical frase.. they all say it. -it only happened once.. ah yea right!! -lieying and deniying after the get caught.. so typical. -and at last when you don't give them any choice but confess.. the swear and promise not to do it ever again. Then the want to go on with old plans like to make sure you don't leave their a**..
Look I seen so many times, it's a patent and to me he is a professional one.
OOOOhh when I imaging the trill, the exicement, the anticipation the two of then had to meet I feel nauseous! If you can live with that cool but under lies, deceive, unfaithfullness and pain you don't build a marrige. Believe me or not he will do it again, cause behavior with no consequences.. behavior that will be repeated.