My husband recently became friends with someone who is constantly finding excuses to touch me (ex. Putting his arm around me, grabbing my arm, rubbing my back). He "jokingly" said to my husband that I was hot and made other sexual remarks "jokingly". When I said that I was offended and surprised that my husband remained friends with him my husband said that I was overreacting. I don't know what to do because we are involved in a social situation with out kids and we see this family occasionally and I am worried that if I say something to this guy he will make a scene. He is very loud and obnoxious!!

Hit him in the ____ and tell him to back off! This kind of behavior is unacceptable and boorish!

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Originally Posted by Perito

Hit him in the ____ and tell him to back off! This kind of behavior is unacceptable and boorish!

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Er, not a good idea if he is loud and obnoxious.

I think that you need to be quiet and persistent with your husband's new friend. Each time he makes a joke, touches you or suggestively leers at you, just quietly say - "I would appreciate it if you didn't do that."

That's all you need to say - don't discuss, argue or negotiate with him - say it quietly, look him full in the eye, move away if you have to and then carry on as normal.

Mind you, you may need to say it repeatedly for it to get through to him!

If however he doesn't desist and your husband won't take the lead in asking him to stop, then maybe you have to put a hot steak in his lap, accidentally spill his beer, set fire to the BBQ, vomit in his bathroom and only clean half of it up - you get my drift - anything to make him think you're a complete dunderhead and not worthy of his attention.

Where is his wife and how does she feel about his 'jokes'?

Well, the "jokes" that were made were done over the phone with my husband or I would have said something to him myself. I'm just surprised at my husband's reaction, or lack there of.
I really don't know the wife well. She is very quiet and doesn't talk much. However, she felt the need to show some explicit photos she had on her cell phone to a large group of people (mixed company). It was an inappropriate time to do so because it was at a public, family-oriented event.

By the way, the wife has always been around when he has touched me and they're desperate for my husband and I to come to their place for an "adult" game night. We really don't know them well at all. It just makes me uncomfortable. My gut tells me to stay away from them both!

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Originally Posted by jlw247

Well, the "jokes" that were made were done over the phone with my husband or I would have said something to him myself. I'm just surprised at my husband's reaction, or lack there of.
I really don't know the wife well. She is very quiet and doesn't talk much. However, she felt the need to show some explicit photos she had on her cell phone to a large group of people (mixed company). It was an inappropriate time to do so because it was at a public, family-oriented event.

By the way, the wife has always been around when he has touched me and they're desperate for my husband and I to come to their place for an "adult" game night. We really don't know them well at all. It just makes me uncomfortable. My gut tells me to stay away from them both!

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God yes! Yuck - sounds like they're pushing for a 4-some. Tell you husband you'd rather visit other friends.

Trust your gut.

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God yes! Yuck - sounds like they're pushing for a 4-some. Tell you husband you'd rather visit other friends.

Trust your gut.

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I talked to some friends about the situation and they thought the same thing. It makes my skin crawl!

We've only seen them at some community functions. We've never gotten together as a "couple" or as a family. I intend to have it stay that way!

The two of them (my husband and his new friend) got together one time after this guy hounded my husband for months. I think my husband went just to get him off his back but I think it backfired. His "new friend" calls our house all the time. He calls more than my MIL does.

This guy will see us at a function one day and will call the next day to see when they can get together. It's really strange to me.

Gemini, I have to spread the rep, but I totally agree to trust your gut.

jlw, you need to sit down and have a non-confrontational discussion with your husband about the situation and how uncomfortable you feel. He needs to be given the chance to understand that the behavior has gone beyond what you find acceptable and, if he takes the blinders off, probably his boundaries too. Be ready to discuss the possibility that he is getting some type of affirmation that he has a beautiful and attractive wife out this or that it could be touching on a fantasy. That isn't a bad thing as long as he isn't accidentally encouraging the 'friend'.

Whether he thinks you are over-reacting or not, he needs support you as part of a united front. Limiting the chance of mixed messages to the other couple may help reduce the unwanted behavior.

If this idiot touches you again,tell him in no uncertain terms move it or lose it buddy...

I would not have this guy in my house nor around my children... and let your husband know that too!

And if the wife says anything,let her know too!

As for your husbands friendship with this guy,no problem there,you don't have to be though.

Stand up for yourself,be firm.

If it happens again,tell your husband right there and then,to get this guy off you,or your going to do it.

Unfortunately, I already attempted to have a non-confrontational discussion about the situation with my husband. This is when he said that I was overreacting to it and he found what the guy said to be a compliment. I told him that I don't see it that way. I told my husband that I was uncomfortable around this guy before this comment was made and something about this guy creeps me out. Now it's so much worse. Then my husband said he can see why this guy creeps me out. So, why does he feel the need to hang around him? It's getting to be way more than just a minor annoyance at this point.

The biggest problem in this situation is my husband and his reaction to it. He said that if I don't want guys looking at me then I should wear turtle necks and frumpy clothes. I definitely do not wear anything revealing or tight so I am not sure where all this was coming from. So, somehow the unwanted attention that I am getting from this guy is my fault. As long as I continue to wear regular clothes instead of my nun's habit then I should just get used to the idea that guys are going to be able to gawk at me and touch me whenever they feel because I am asking for it because I happen to look good in what I'm wearing - I don't think so. I can't stand that type of mentality and my husband is normally not like that. I don't like the negative influence this "new friend" is having on him.

I agree you have the right attitude jlw247,and for me,you have every right to be angry... a compliment is one thing,even saying that you are hot... thats OK,but he is pushing the boundries...

Your husband could be just blindsided by this guy,and believes he was only joking... however,I would reinforce that you will not tolerate this friend touching you or inapproaite behaviour... your husbands first loyalty is to you and his family,maybe a gentle reminder is in order...

If this guy thinks your hot,grand,I could live with that,but I would make sure he knew if he touched me again,or leered at me,I would go through him for a short cut, and for that matter if my husband defended his behaviour,well, he'd get it too...

Ill figure you would only have to make a stand once.

Redhead - I did get into a HUGE argument with my husband because he invited this guy to our house without talking to me first. I told him that I did not appreciate this and did not want this man in our home and did not want our kids around him because of my gut feelings. I told him that I have to trust my gut. When I don't follow my gut feelings I end up in some kind of trouble. I also told him that if that man would come to our house then I was going to leave because I did not want to be around if he was there. This is when my husband made plans, for the first time, with this guy. I think he didn't know what to say or do. My husband did not want to have to explain why I don't want him in our home.

I told my husband that I don't have any intention stopping him from being this guy's friend (that was why we had the HUGE fight because my husband was feeling like I was trying to control him). However, he should not expect me to be friends with him or his wife. They both make me uncomfortable. Just because he's friends with the guy does not mean I have to be and it does not mean this guy has to come to our home. There's plenty for them to do outside of the home that they do not have to come here. I have no intention being uncomfortable in my own house.

We have so many other friends that we don't have time to see and get together with that I just can't understand him pursuing a friendship with this person. It just doesn't make any sense. Most of our other friends are our family friends. They have kids that are friends with ours and all spouses like each other (in a normal and acceptable way). So, I can't understand why my husband would continue to waste any time on this guy who creeps me out!! Especially when he says that he can see why he would creep me out.

I'm beginning to think that this guy strokes my husband's ego and that's the only reason why my husband is paying any attention to him at all. Who knoes?

Your probably right... you know your husband better then the friend does...

You have said your peace,and you both know where you stand...

As long as the friendship does not impinge on your marriage or your family life,maybe just let this one go... but I will say this, make sure you keep the connection with your husband,plan dates,time alone and family time.. and hopefully the friendship will fizzle out,and if not,this guy is just your husbands creepy friend, who you don't have anything to do with.

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I'm beginning to think that this guy strokes my husband's ego and that's the only reason why my husband is paying any attention to him at all. Who knows?

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I suspect that's exactly what's going on. Be very careful, I think this guy is dangerous and he may subtly try and turn your husband against you because I'm sure he knows that you don't like him.

I have to say that your husband's attitude towards you being leered at at pawed by this guy is a worry. What is he? Born in the 13th century?

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

I suspect that's exactly what's going on. Be very careful, I think this guy is dangerous and he may subtly try and turn your husband against you because I'm sure he knows that you don't like him.

I have to say that your husband's attitude towards you being leered at at pawed by this guy is a worry. What is he? Born in the 13th century?

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This is one of my concerns. This guy does suspect that I do not like him. He confronted me in front of a large group of people (this was before the "jokes"). I just ignored him - I thought that was the best approach since he's loud and obnoxious. I think because of his annoying personality there are many wives that wouldn't want their husband's hanging around him and this is nothing new to him.

When my husband came home after spending the day with this guy, he was not acting like himself. He was treating me very rudely and was not giving the respect he usually gives me. My husband sometimes allows himself to be influenced in bad ways when he hangs around certain people. This has happened in the past. However, it has not happened in a very long time and I thought that immaturity about him was a thing of the past. I guess not.

I am trying to not feel threatened by this guy; but, it's hard when it seems like he's turning my usually nice and kind man into a jerk. I know hubby isn't an innocent victim; but it sure seems like he's being influenced to act a certain way after he is around this creep.

I don't know if there's anything that I can do. I feel like if I make a big deal out of it I'm going to be pushing my husband towards spending more time with him. What do you think?

I have found that with men that aggressive, who openly feel that it is okay to touch you and make innapropriate remarks, subtle measures and talking to him politely don't work.

Tell him, in a LOUD and clear voice, "DO NOT TOUCH ME" He will back off if he is convinced you are strong enough to stand up to him. Make sure your husband or someone else is near you at all times, and avoid talking to him at all costs. Even to the point of him asking you a direct question, and you not answering.

Your husband is not wishing to challenge this man, obviously; maybe a macho thing, maybe he is intimidated. Whatever it is, it isn't up to him to deal with, it is up to YOU to deal with.

As long as you remain silent, polite, and within range, you may as well hang a red light over your head. He won't stop until you stop him.

I think your husband needs someone to set him straight. His primary relationship is with you and if other people make you uncomfortable, he should support you in going with your gut. It's not like these people are family or for some other reason it would be difficult for him if you avoid them. Maybe he's into the swinging thing and doesn't know how to tell you? Are the three of them trying to draw you into this weirdness?

I don't think that you're over-reacting. If anything, like you said, your husband is under-reacting about this other guy's inappropriate remarks.

You can't control the actions of the other guy. He is who is he. The main issue here is between you and your husband.

I think that you should continue to stand your ground. Your husband is the one who needs to learn to listen to your concerns.

Tell this guy straight up where to go when he takes UNWANTED liberties. What's a big red flag though is your husband not defending and supporting your position. That ain't good for any reason in my book, so he eats burnt toast for a week.

My wife would kick my a$$ right there if I acted as your husband did, and I would be burning my own toast.

That's what your husband needs to know, no matter what you wear, he better not let another man put his hands on you.

No more half stepping this problem. I trust your gut.

He is trying to get to you, through your husband.

Your husband may also be showing this angry behaviour to you because he's afraid to say you were right. He's protecting his ego.

I would, for now, totally ignore anything that you are sure is coming from your husband, because of this. Sort of like ignoring a child having a temper tantrum.

Nothing you can do until its over, and hopefully, your husband will realize sooner rather than later, that the guy is bad news.