How the economic recession is going to affect us
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as R#PE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be R#PED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been R#PED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be R#PED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been R#PED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not R#PED and are staying on will receive as much SH*T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SH*T it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH*T, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the SH*T you can get.
