My mother started to get sick in Jan 09 suddenly and was in and out of hospitals until she passed away in Aug 09. Doctors still haven't been able to pinpoint the exact cause or the disease, even though they have came up with one possibility. Problem is that it was genetic, had no treatment or cure, undetectable until last few months of a person life and there was no test to prove it was that disease other then completely removing the brain. I am the youngest of 4 kids and since I am the only family that leaves within a few hours of her, I was in charge of all her decisions especially in last 3 months where she wasn't able to speak or hear. To make a long story short, the doctors tried everything possible but told me in June that it wasn't looking good and recommended that I transfer her to a hospice which I did in July. She was suffering so much that it was decided to removed her feeding tube and she passed away exactly 3 weeks later, exactly 3 months before her 50th birthday. The decision was made to remove the tube by my siblings and myself, but I feel all the guilt for it. I just turned 24 and I feel like just giving up on everything now. She passed away Aug 14, 09 which was 2 weeks before the 10 year anniversary of my fathers passing. Just feels like so much at once and have no idea how to deal with it. I sleep an average of 3 or 4 hours a night because I have so much guilt for having to do what I did. If anybody has any advice, books, sites or anything to help, I would appreciate it so much. Thank you

I'm sorry for the pain that you are going through. I've never had that experience, but we are here to hold your hand if needed.:)
You need to let it out, you did what needed to be done and I'm sure she is happier for it. Try to remind yourself that that you did the right thing. There comes a point when it is not really your choice, things stop working and you have to change the course.:(

Please keep posting, even if it's just to vent. It's very helpful in recovering a loss and maybe finding new friends to help.

I went through this myself. My mother was dying from complications of heart surgery. Clearly there was no hope, ever, of her recovering. Her major organs had started to shut down, and to keep her on the machines, was only prolonging the inevitable.

It was me that decided to let the end come naturally, and the Doctors removed the machines, and increased a drip of morpheine to lessen the pain. Within a few hours, she died peacefully.

Because I made the call, I was wracked with guilt, even though I knew that what the doctors had told me was true, and she did not want to continue to suffer. In time, I came to accept that there was no other course of action, it had to be done. Her life had been over a long time before the Doctors took her off the machine.

Try to think that there was no other choice to be made. It was the right choice, but even at that I do understand that it is still a choice, and a choice that decides life or death, or when death will happen.

I promise you in time that your guilt will ease. You are still grieving now, and going through all the stages you need to, in order to heal. Try not to let the decision eat at you. Whether you had done what you did, she would liklely have died soon afterwards anyway.

She is in a much, much better place. No pain, free of all earthly encumbrances and where she should be. You did the right thing.

I too was faced with this decision regarding my daughter... her body just could not take the disease any longer,she died the night before the life support machine was due to be turned off.. I guess for me,the fact that no machine or medicine nor doctor could keep her alive any longer saved me from actually turning off the machine...

But.. for you, I do understand your guilt,but please remember,that you respected your mother,and you made the right decision.. your decision, and your siblings allowed her to die with grace and diginity... after all the years of her looking after you,you were able to help her and love her enough to let her go... thats real love... loving someone enough to let them go and give them peace,even though we want to keep them with us...

Jake and Red thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

To the OP, it’s such a difficult thing that you’ve gone through, at such young age. The death of a parent (or a child) is a life changing event and there is very little that can make it easier. Time and reflection do make it easier but your experience is still so recent and so raw.

Reflection will help you understand that there was in fact, very little you could do for your mother. Let’s face it, even the doctors were perplexed as to the cause of her condition. Think about it – what other choices were there? Prolong her life and prolong her discomfort?

The difficult thing for you was that you were faced with these choices largely on your own, but at least the choice to remove the feeding tube was made by the entire family.

Speak to your siblings and friends – the comfort of people that you love is really, really important at this time. By all means seek counselling if that will make you feel better, but speaking to people that care about you is very important to help you not only grieve, but deal with the decisions you’ve had to make.

I wish you all the best.

Mom and I made the same decision with my father, but we had other issues that were causing grief until we met with the administrators of both hospitals in the same corporation he was in.

He probably lapsed into a coma because the hospital didn't have the oxygen on after they removed fluid from his lungs. Incorrect decisions were made during his cancer treatment, so the cancer became aggressive. This was known after a scan was done while he was in a coma. The doc suggested that we remove life support.

Mom wanted to stay with him that night, but we didn't and she regretted it. My regret, was I guess I didn't realize the seriousness of his condition and I never really got to say goodbye, but again I'm not sure how I would have brought up the subject of death when he was doing so well.

We kept him alive (ventilator, feeding tubes, morphine and a blanket) for a few days until my mom's sister could be with us.

He passed within 10 minutes. No gasping, no nothing.

It's in situations like yours that I'd wish that Euthanasia was legal. Unfortunately, you were not given that option. Do you know if she knew she was suffering? No.

I think in time we will be able to find out. With some research we probably could. People are able to control things with their thoughts when they have certain electrodes planted in the brain.
We probably know where the pain centers are and could actively image them. Probably it's not going to happen.

Yep, I think all of you did the right thing. Grieve. Move on. If you can't seem to get grief counseling.

Your having trouble sleeping which is not good. This would be a good time for medications like Xanax or Attivan.

Without help, it might take a year. The first one is the hardest just like the passing of my grandmother when I was three years old. Your young to loose both parents.

I wish you the best.

Is it what your mom would have wanted ? What was or would have been any quality of life, to merely stay alive in constant pain is no life at all.

And in the end, it is never really your choice, it was merely her time, you were only keeping her from suffering

I took my late husband off life support when I was told he was brain dead with no hope of any type of recovery. It is a very difficult decision to make and, yes, I still have "what if/guilty moments." I did what he wanted in accordance with his wishes - and I still have those moments, no matter how vivid my memories of his last days are.

You need to find a way to be comfortable with your decision - perhaps speaking with a professional, perhaps going to group. The same thing doesn't help everyone.

You have to forgive yourself - even though there is nothing for you to forgive. You loved your mother and you helped her suffering stop. It's just about that simple.

Thank you everyone for the replies. I have been looking into therapy and searching for books and any ways to help. Thanks again everyone

Everyone says it - "Time will help" or "It will get better with time." As upsetting as that was to me at the time, it's true. As time goes by you can look back more rationally and it will get better.

Good luck - come back and let us know how you are doing.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, and I sympathize with the difficulty of the decision to remove the feeding tube. I think that you made the right decision, and spared your mother suffering in her final days.

To answer your question about support, I would suggest you contact the hospice which cared for your mother and ask them about grief support groups, and go with an open heart and mind. If you are a religious person, talk to your spiritual leader in the church - pastor, rabbi or whatever. They can often help provide a broader context and give us perspectives that help our understanding and healing. And if your hospice has no suggestions, contact your local hospital and ask them about support resources.

Take care of yourself this holiday season - it can be a hard time without a loved one the first time, and just know that is how it is and you'll get through it. Slowly but steadily.

You didn't do anything wrong. What you did actually was what any loving child would do. To take the advice of medical professionals telling you and your brothers and sisters to let her go. The damage was done, and she was in pain. She would have wanted you to NOT take this as something other than you releasing her spirit to ascend. You simply helped her to peace. I know the decision had to be made, and that's not fair. We all want to have our loved ones taken by God, and not have ourselves put into the equation. But that's not always the case.

What would your mother have wanted you to do?

Would she want you to be hurting like this?

You mourn your mother, and cry all that you need. But never for a minute think that what you did was wrong.

Please go seek counseling, and know that you have our hearts.

May God ease your pain, and give you strength.