So I just really need some advice and clarification of what is going on with my relationship right now… I have no clue what to think and I think an “outside looking in” perspective would be GREAT.

So here is the beginning: I met my boyfriend (now ex) when I was 12 years old at a week long summer camp and I fell in love. At that time he had a long-term girlfriend, but I didn’t know that. After the camp, I was really upset for almost two and a half years because I thought the love of my life slipped through my fingers. Keep in mind that my ex (Daniel) is four years older than me. Anyway, during those two years I dated two different guys for about 5 months each, but I ALWAYS thought about Daniel. I always had very strong feelings for him throughout those two years and I only saw him once or twice in all that time. Whenever I saw him or went to his hometown I would get SO nervous and break out in a sweat and just get really nervous because I was always hoping I would see him. Well after two and a half years we found each other of Facebook and started messaging, then we started Iming and then we started texting. We talked on the phone and internet for about a year probably, and then the summer before last I invited him to come camping with me and my family (I was 16 and he was 20). He came, and shortly after that we started dating. We dated for a year and 6 months. He told me he loved me, and he did with all his heart. He would do ANYTHNIG for me and loved me with all his heart. He was completely devoted to me and I was to him for a long time. We ended up spending most of out time together and we both lost most all of our friends and never had anyone else to hang out with. It was really hard for me being in High School with no friends and I would mention it to him but he never understood. Anyway, he is also four years older than me and is really wanting to just settle down and get married. All his friends are married with kids and I think he really wants that. Anyway, I dated him all that time but always had a little doubt but never thought anything of it because it was DANIEL, the boy I had loved since I was twelve I was just happy I had him back. Anyway, after a while it got really old because he never would hang out with his friends because he ONLY wanted to be with me all the time and when I said I would rather hang out with other people he said that I didn’t care for him since I did not want to be with him and he made me feel really guilty and so I just never hung out with friends. Also, I live in a REALLY small town (16 in my graduating class) and most of my friends are guys. I just get along better with them because almost every friend I have had that is a girl has stabbed me in the back and really hurt me and I am just happier and more myself with guys. I am very country and laid back and I just fit better with my guy friends, but Daniel HATED that. He hated ALL my guy friends and would never let me hang out with them. He wouldn’t even let me hang out with my own COUSIN because he is a guy. Anyway, that got so old after a while and I began to get tired of always being held down. It was my SENIOR year and I wanted to have a lot of fun, but Daniel hated every single one of my friends and would get very mad when we hung out. So after a while two of my BEST childhood friends moved back to my school for their senior year (Jacob and Ryan) and I started hanging out with them. I have known them since they where four years old and all our parents are best friends. Well Daniel HATED HATED HATED that and wanted to beat up Jake and stuff. Well I didn’t want to put up with that so I broke up with Daniel.

It was really hard because he was my first everything and I felt tied to him because of that.

Now I hang out with Jake and Ryan ALL the time but I think that I am kind of going crazy because I have lost Daniel. I find myself wanting to be more than friends with Jake and wanting to just sleep with him all the time even though I know that that is wrong and won’t help. (I Believe in waiting until marriage, but Daniel pressured me VERY bad and made me feel very guilty about “not helping him out” so I eventually gave in and regret it SO MUCH) and even though I regret it, I still want to sleep with Jake. I want to be “bed buddies” and just be with him sometimes because I am scared of being tied down again. I want to be free, but I miss Daniel and having something solid and secure in my life.

Also, we have been doing the no contact thing for the most part, but he has started posting things on his FB about how crushed he is. He thought we would get married and I found our after I broke it off that he bought us a nice little house with the money he saved up. This really hurts me, but when I think about being tied down to anyone I just get sick to my stomach. I just can’t be in a relationship right now, but I can feel Daniel slipping away and I am afraid I made a HUGE MISTAKE but can’t fix it. I don’t want to give up my time with Jake and Ryan because we have SO much fun together and I don’t want to give them and my fun times up but I wonder if I am just transferring my feelings I had toward Daniel to them? And transferring the sex and stuff to Jake? It just seems to weird because we dated so long and had a GREAT relationship, and I have not cried at all since we have broken up and people tell me something is wrong with that. I’m not sure what to do or what to think? I feel like I am going crazy, but what I am doing seems fun and logical at the time. I am enjoying life and having fun as long as I am busy but I crash and get lonely when I am alone. What does this mean?? It’s just a lot of feelings that are hard to handle.

Thanks to whoever reads this whole thing, I’m pretty sure not many people will but just the least little bit of insight may help me. Thanks.

Em

Young love is hard to get over, but things move on often. He sounds too controlling and believe me, you are lucky to get out.

It will take months of moving on, you need to start making plans on getting new friends, getting on with your life

You were 12 years old when you met him. I don't feel that you fell in love with him I feel at that age it was a crush.

Look what happened. You meet him at 12 and fall for him. You spend a couple years thinking of him. You meet up with him again. Did your fantasy meet reality? Its possible you spent those couple years thinking of him building him up to be something he wasn't.

He sounds controlling, jealous and possesive. I would stay NC and look towards the future.

You didn't want sex until marriage and he guilted you in to it? What kind of guy would do that? Did that make you happy? No. Everything you say about him doesn't make you happy. Every story you say about the other guys you say your happy. He has no respect for you. He wants to shield you from the world and keep you to himself.

Imagine this, if he is like this now what will he be like in 5 or 10 more years? Don't waste your time finding out. I see it only getting worse.

And he did guilt me into it a lot but it takes two so its not all his fault, I also failed in that area and now I feel sick about it and I think that may be half the reason why I feel so bound to him now..?

And he did make me happy to some extent. We had fun and never ever fought. He was like my best friend but I just can not be tied down to anyone or anything and when I am it makes me feel sick and terrible. My friend Jake would date me and I like him but the thought of being committed to one person literally makes me sick to my stomach and I don't know why. I feel like my heart is broken but I am not hurting? It's a hard feeling to explain.

No your not crazy at all. Your just dealing with your own reality the way you know how. That's not a bad thing.

Neither is being attracted to a friend you spend a lot of good times with. Just be careful not to get carried away by your feelings, and do something you may regret later. Yes sex does make feelings of attraction more intense, and hard to overcome. It also changes friendships in a way that may not survive as friendship.

All in all, I think you have done well to see what is not good for you and get rid of it, even after all that time you spent fantasizing about him. That took courage. No your not crazy, just young and learning.

You know in your head and heart what to do. Just do it and be satisfied with your decision. Down the road you will look back and be happy with your choices.

You have pointed out several reasons yourself why its not right and why you want to move past it. Just do it. Just stop talking about it and do it.

Okay, well I did that and just decided to stay broken up and that my feelings toward him are just because I am trying to get over things.

But today he found out I am going out with one of my ex boyfriends that just got back from a tour in Iraq. We dated YEARS ago and we are just friends but Daniel completely flipped out. Here are some text he sent me...


"You can go do something with him and not me? Wow whatever Emily....thats really low"

"I shouldn't be on the same level as him, but whatever. I am better than hom."

"That really hurts me... really really bad."

"So you gonna go out with Pate next." (My first love. He knows it hurts when he brings him up."

"I can't believe that... I can't believe you are going out with Brock, someone you couldn't stand" (When I was 15-16).

"Well I wanted a lot of things but I guess he was better to you." (I had already said it was just as friends before he has to go back to Iraq.

"I can't believe you would even go with him... Guess you have changed."

After all this, he told me that I HAVE to bring another girl or my brother with me or he would be very upset. I told him I would, even though I'm not.

Tell me what he is thinking and trying to do? I feel like he is trying to manipulate me, but maybe he is just really hurt.

Quote:

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Tell me what he is thinking and trying to do? I feel like he is trying to manipulate me, but maybe he is just really hurt.

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He is hurt, and its called having sour grapes about the break up. He isn't dealling with it very well, sorry to say, but that's his problem now, not your.