Ask Me Help Desk - I don't feel good.

Where to start?

Well, I really like my boyfriend, but there's something that he does that really bothers me. I don't know how to talk to him about it.

Sometimes I get the feeling that he's not happy with my body. He'll say things like,
"It's because I'm skinnier than you."
"I wish I had a big stomach like you."
"You need to work on your abs."
"Were you chubby when you were a kid?"

When I started working out, he said stuff like,
"Do you think you could get a six pack in two weeks?"
"I can't wait to see your sexy legs and abs." (In reference to the future after I've been working out a while.)

It makes me feel insecure and jealous. Before I didn't have any self-confidence or jealousy issues, but now I feel like I'm not good-looking enough.
My friend says it's a method to control me by making me insecure, or maybe he's just that shallow.
I quit working out because now it feels like I'm just exercising to make him like me. I don't like that feeling.
I don't know how to bring it up with him.

OK, if you are all 13 or 14 most likely he does not know what else to say, if you are older then basically he is a jerk and/or does not know how to talk to girls.

Dating is to see if there is anything there, if a date or a person does not "feel" right, that is normally just a sign that you need to be finding someone else

:\ Yeah... he's in his late 20s and I'm in my early 20s. It's not that the relationship doesn't feel right, it's actually quite the opposite. I know I want to be with him, I don't want to give up and find someone else.

I just don't understand how he can casually belittle me, and he can be a bit patronizing at times. Should I just ask him why?

It's hard to talk with him about relationship issues sometimes. I feel like he turns it around on me, and I'll wind up being the one to apologize.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

if you are older then basicly he is a jerk

That's what my friends said when I asked them about it.
But... I don't want to believe it's that black and white, that he's 'just a jerk.'
I really want to make this work.

Iris,
Casual belittling is is a very accurate way to describe what he's doing.

It's not that black and white, but your friend is right that he is attempting to control you. He's not necessarily conscious of what he's doing (although he may be), but the source of this casual belittling is genuine hostility toward you. It's unlikely that there is anything you can do or say that will cause him to stop belittling you, although if you tell him to stop commenting about your body, he'll probably find another way to make you feel bad.

I have read a lot about this kind of behavior because my ex husband did it too. Everything I have read says this kind of behavior does not get better; it gets worse. If you were dating a teenager, I'd recommend being very clear that this was not okay. Then you have to be on your guard. The next time he puts you down--in any way--you get up and leave and don't come back for a day or two, or whatever feels like an appropriate time.

But he's not a teenager. He's old enough to have established these kinds of put downs as a deeply ingrained habit and I doubt he'd change for you. The closer you get to him, the more I think he will escalate his controlling tactics and put downs.

This bad feeling you have is only the beginning if you stay with him. Give him a chance if you must, but do not move in, get married or have children unless you are absolutely sure of this man.

I am speaking both from experience and from reading books. I was married for 15 years to someone who belittled me. It escalated to the point where he was doing it in front of others, like our friends and my children's teachers. My ex was charming and affectionate at first, even as he started putting me down in little ways. Later, it was just put downs.

How does he treat you in other aspects of your relationship? Do your friends think that he treats you badly?

Does he even have a clue that he is hurting your feelings? If he does then he is a jerk.

It may be that he just doesn't know what he is saying, but I doubt it. I too, think that he is being ugly on purpose, to change you, or make you want to change.

Talk to him and tell him that it hurts your feelings when he says things like that.

He's never going to stop on his own.

Don't let him kill yourself esteem.

Toughen up and tell him.

You don't need to give up, but you definitely need to talk it out.

Every relationship is going to go through many challenges. The key is how the two of you tackle the challenge.

Are you going to hide away and not bring up your concerns?

Or are you going to move ahead and work together with him to figure things out?

The problem is when he's not willing to put in the same effort as you. If he can't do the small things, then how can you depend on him for the big things?

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

The problem is when he's not willing to put in the same effort as you. If he can't do the small things, then how can you depend on him for the big things?

Good point.

Also, Iris, when you tell him that he is hurting you, here are some things to watch for.

-Does he immediately express regret? Or does he deny he did it on purpose and move on without apologizing or expressing any concern about your feelings? Does he immediately bring up something you do that he doesn't like?

He should apologize sincerely without being asked and try to make it up in some way.

-Does he refuse to talk about why he might have been doing this and accuse you of making a big deal out of nothing, being a "drama queen," or similar?

He should be willing to think about why he was picking at you. He may need some time. But there should be some sort of processing in evidence.

-Finally, does he just stop doing it? Or does he pretend to catch himself and say things like, "Oh, I'm not supposed to say that, am I?" In other words, does he imply that YOU are being difficult and find ways to keep reminding you of the unpleasant things he said to you without actually saying them?

Good luck! I'm hoping I'm wrong about all this.

First I want to thank everybody who took time to read and respond =] Everybody had really good advice and points.

@asking: You're so right about it being an ingrained habit. I'll take your advice that the behavior will only get worse. The phrase, "You get the behavior you tolerate," comes to mind. So maybe I just won't tolerate it instead of letting it slide. The sweet and charming thing can really make you blind, huh? Thanks for sharing your story.

@jmjoseph: In other aspects of our relationship, he's affectionate, thoughtful, considerate. We make each other want to be better people. However when he's mad he can be so cruel. My friends don't know him too well, but my best friend says that she will never like the way he treats me. But then again, she doesn't see how happy we are together.
I want to say that I will toughen up and be more up front. To tell the truth, that's how it was in the beginning. But on different occasions he told me I was being dramatic, too sensitive, or unstable. It becomes intimidating to share your thoughts with someone when you expect a negative reaction. Actually I'll post that story here later to see what you guys think about it.

@I wish: I completely agree! It really is all about how you tackle it. I do sometimes feel like he doesn't put in the same amount of effort as me, that he'd rather walk away and leave things unsaid. But on the other hand, I feel like we've both grown up a lot since we've started dating. I know we both want to move forward. I have faith in both him and me.

You guys are helping me a lot. I have another story I want your opinion on...

Hahaha, yeah, he does all of that, actually.

Dang asking, you really know your stuff. Whenever I tell him he did something that hurt my feelings, it's immediate denial. Then he'll turn it around and say, "Well you did this," and an apology is usually around the lines of, "I'm sorry about the other day. Making girls cry is really bad," or "Well if you hadn't put me in that situation I wouldn't have reacted like that."

But then I did tell him that ultimately, he is the one who makes his own decisions, and he can't blame his actions on me.

Okay, so here's something else that has been bothering me about him. I'll try to make the conversations verbatim. Keep in mind that English is his second language.

One day while we were hanging out watching TV, I look up at him and notice gold glitter on his neck. I then calmly said, "Oh hey, you have glitter on your neck."
I didn't think it was a big deal until he turns to me slightly alarmed and says, "It's from you, right?"
"Uhm... no..." (I wasn't even wearing makeup that day.)
"Are you sure?" He jumps up and checks himself in the mirror. "I don't see it. I don't see anything."
"Okaaay... Quit freaking out."
"I'm not freaking out."
I really like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I thought he was just really nervous because he didn't want me to think it was from a girl or something. But then it kind of kept eating at me. The next weekend we were talking on the phone.
"Hey... you know when I saw glitter on your neck like a week ago?"
"Yeah."
"....Well... Where did it come from?"
"Are you trying to be suspicious?"
At this point I sound annoyed. "No, I'm not trying to be suspicious. I AM suspicious. That's why I'm asking you about it."
His tone got more angry. "Ok, first of all, what is glitter? I don't even know what glitter is."
"You know what glitter is!"
"No, I don't. What is it? Is it some kind of makeup?"
"You're telling me you don't know what glitter is."
"Yes. You know I don't know English that well. Tell me what glitter is."
I don't remember the rest of the argument, but for a while we were texting each other back and forth, his big arguments were I should trust him more, we can't have a relationship without trust, and he said things that made me feel like I was being crazy and delusional.
I wanted to hear from him that he didn't mess around on me. He said it on the phone, punctuating every word, "I am not cheating on you."
Ok, I chalked it up to a freak accident and a misunderstanding.

A couple weeks later, we were walking into a party together. Out of the blue and with no prior conversation about it, he says to me: "I asked Jane* about the glitter thing, and she said it probably came from either her or John**." It sounded like he was trying to make a joke. When he was talking to me he shoved both hands in his pocket, didn't look me in the eye, and his body was angled away from me.
*not her real name, is his co-worker.
**not his real name, is his gay co-worker.

Whatever. I was tired of talking about it. At the party he mostly ignored me. I didn't know anyone there, so I asked him,
"Hey, you have a lot of nice friends. Can you introduce me to some of them? I don't know a lot of people here."
"Yeah, I don't know a lot of people here either. Why don't you go have a seat?" and walks off to go talk to some people. Gee, thanks.

Anyway I was sitting down eating with some mutual friends and he comes and sits with me. After about five minutes he gets up and walks over to another table where Jane* is sitting. I thought he was just going to say hi, but then I realized after about 15 minutes of them talking and watching the band together, I realized he was sitting with her and not me.
I thought, "Why isn't he sitting with me, or at least inviting me to sit with them? He sees her everyday at work." After that I left.

After that I felt really confused. If he didn't mess around on me, he had to have been hiding something. Otherwise, why would he be so defensive? I was feeling depressed.
I went to see him at work one day; we usually hang out on his breaktime. At one point I got really quiet because something reminded me about all the doubts I had about him.
He noticed my sadness on the drive to his place. He kept asking me what's wrong. I told him I didn't want to talk about it right now. When we got to his place, he sat me down on the couch and told me that I could tell him anything.
"You'll get mad."
"No, just tell me. What's wrong?"
"..."
"Is it about what we were talking about earlier?"
"....Yeah..."
"What do you want me to do?"
"....."
"Huh? What do you want from me?"
"...Let's just drop it."
"*sigh* [my name]... I'm just really disappointed in you. I thought we already talked about this."
He then gets up, goes outside, and punches the wall really hard. When he comes back in, he says, "Get up. I'm taking you back."
I just stared at him because I didn't expect that reaction at all.
"Come on. Get up. Let's go."
When I started to cry in his car, he told me to quit crying. I told him to stop being cruel, stop trying to hurt my feelings. I don't really remember the conversation.

But anyway, we talked about it later. He said if I hadn't put him in that situation, he wouldn't have acted that way. I told him he was being irresponsible for his actions, and nobody deserves to be treated like that for any reason. He didn't really say anything after that.

Anyway... sorry that was kind of long. I think I needed to just get all of that out.

Hmmm... and you know what? I'm not fat, I have a really nice figure, I'm beautiful and smart and talented. I shouldn't feel the opposite when I'm around this guy.

That's another thing. One day we were on the subject of IQs, and I told him what mine was. He says, "You're lying. There's no way it's that high." :\ Gee, thanks for the compliment.

I think this is kind of turning into a rant D:> Maybe I'm in denial about this guy.

Iris,
I read your post and my opinion is that this guy is abusive and it's going to get worse. I don't know what his relationship with Jane is, but he sure keeps you guessing and he's on your case a lot. You are clearly smart and well educated and reasonable. He's trying to undermine yourself confidence the better to control you. He plays on your anxieties. First your appearance, then his fidelity, bringing up the glitter and Jane *right* when you were going into the party, and then going and sitting with her when he knew you were a bit off balance socially (which can happen to anybody).

Punching a hole in the wall because you were sad is the cherry on top. Seriously.

Don't get me wrong. He values and wants you, but on his terms, more like something he owns than something he cherishes and loves.

I strongly recommend that you break off with this guy. You are tolerating far too much from him. Yeah, I think you are in denial. :-(

You deserve so much better than this.

PS. I am feeling a bit bad about being so direct, but he sounds awful and I didn't want to soften it. On the other hand, I realize that you must have strong feelings for him and maybe breaking up is not the kind of advice you were necessarily looking for or prepared to hear. I do sympathize with your predicament.

Threads merged

... and then try to convince me he said my name?
He can get to steppin'.

Ok, so my question is, do you guys think it's ANY way possible that I had an auditory hallucination, or heard wrong?

I THOUGHT I clearly heard, "Oh, Manis," which is his pet name for his former girlfriend,

But he says he said "Jegeg," (my nickname) which sounds nothing like the other word. To his credit, he sounded very sincere and convincing.

We've been dating for over a year and this has never happened.

Also, he and his ex-girlfriend still speak very affectionately to each other, if that has any bearing. I don't know why I'm even posting this question, actually. I think I've already made up my mind about this wanker.

EDIT: Change my post because of other threads and other issues not mentioned here.

Chances are, you weren't hearing things. Either he's a convincing lier, or he doesn't realize what he said. Either way, I think it's reasonable that you take a hard look at things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WhiteIris

Also, he and his ex-girlfriend still speak very affectionately to each other, if that has any bearing. I dunno why I'm even posting this question, actually. I think I've already made up my mind about this wanker.

I take it you are going to give up on this guy? Even though we don't use "wanker" here, I know the implication, and definition.

I would be more concerned about him staying in constant contact with "Oh Manis", and using terms of endearment with her.

And no, those two names do not sound ANYTHING like one another. He should have claimed to have said "no mayonnaise". "Oh, I was thinking about a sandwich".

He's a wanker? Then bash him with your brollie, and throw him in the boot, and take him to the chemist for a plaster. Tell him to kiss your bum goodbye. You see? I CAN speak English.

You have good guys over there too. Find you one.

Good luck Jegeg.

hheath541 agrees : we use wanker up here in the north. It's not terribly common, but I have heard it used

We have British friends. I have been there twice. Talk about culture shock, me country as a turnip, trying to use the Queen's English? I wasn't too shocked, THEY were. "I'm terribly sorry sir, we don't serve "GRITS".."

Sorry, Whiteiris... back to you and the wanker, Can you tell us what else it is about that him that makes him a "wanker"?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

hheath541 agrees : we use wanker up here in the north. it's not terribly common, but i have heard it used

We have British friends. I have been there twice. Talk about culture shock, me country as a turnip, trying to use the Queen's English? I wasn't too shocked, THEY were. "I'm terribly sorry sir, we don't serve "GRITS".."

Sorry, Whiteiris.......back to you and the wanker, Can you tell us what else it is about that him that makes him a "wanker"?

What's a wanker ?:confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

What's a wanker ?:confused:

It's a slang term for a man's "third thumb".

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

It's a slang term for a man's "third thumb".

I've never seen a man with three thumbs... :confused:

Your still with this verbally immature guy?