I have sole custody of an eight year old girl and a four year old boy. The little girl has been with me since she was two weeks old and I obtained legal custody of her when she was seven months old. The little boy first came into my care when he was 13 months old and at that time I was given temporary custody. He went back to his mother last year and remained with her for 11 months and did not make it through her review period (she had 1 month to go) before she messed up. The judge then gave me sole custody of him. The biological mother has no desire to get the children back (judge also made it plain that would not happen). The biological mother is one of my family members, the children are half brother and sister. I love both of them as if they were my own especially the little girl since we had a chance to really bond as a mother and child would (again she was only 2 weeks. Old). She has called me mommy ever since she began to talk. I have taught her that she has a biological mother so she understands this and she see's her from time to time. ( Any visitation allowed to the bio mother is up to me and all vistation has to be supervised). I just wanted to give you a little insight into our situation ( oh yeah, I am a single parent but have been engaged for last 5 yrs. To a good man and we do not live together). Now to the point, I would like to adopt these to little blessings. I already know that they will be with me until they are of legal age. I was told that if I adopt (the 8 yr. old has actually ask me to) that both children could receive benefits from my social security disability. (I am disabled due to permanent nerve damage that occurred from 1 of the 3 back surgeries I have been through and am actually facing another). This could benefit us all as a family. It would add to our monthly income for bills and much needed things including also a short family trip (4 yr. old calls them, "ventures" :) ) every now and then and adding more to their as of now small savings accounts toward college someday. I wanted to know how I would go about this. How do I begin? What's involved? What is the estimated attorneys fee's? Are there any lawyer's who may do this at a reduced cost or even probono? I guess I need to know everything about it from start to finish. The 8 yr. old has ask me since last year if she can change her last name to mine. The biological mother has already told me that she was willing to sign anything that needed to be signed and is in complete agreement to me adopting these children (she also knows that she would no longer be responsible for child support payments). I hate to sound lame but can this be done without an attorney? Any advice and/or info (professional or not) is welcome. Thank you and hope to hear from you all soon. God bless and happy holidays! P.S. I live in the state of Virginia if that helps

You would file a motion in your local Family Court. It's best to have an attorney assist you with this. Unfortunately I doubt that you'll find one willing to do it pro bono. If the adoption is uncontested and the mother is willing to consent (though what about the father?), then it should be relatively routine and not inordinately expensive. But do understand that the father has to consent as well. If his whereabouts are unknown or he's unwilling to consent, that'll probably be your biggest obstacle.

This is very long BUT it is difficult to adopt unless you are married and in a stable relationship.

No, I would most definitely NOT even attempt this without the services of an Attorney.

Where is the bio father in this puzzle?

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

You would file a motion in your local Family Court. It's best to have an attorney assist you with this. Unfortunately I doubt that you'll find one willing to do it pro bono. If the adoption is uncontested and the mother is willing to consent (though what about the father?), then it should be relatively routine and not inordinately expensive. But do understand that the father has to consent as well. If his whereabouts are unknown or he's unwilling to consent, that'll probably be your biggest obstacle.

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This must vary by State - it is NOT done by motion in NY.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

You would file a motion in your local Family Court. It's best to have an attorney assist you with this. Unfortunately I doubt that you'll find one willing to do it pro bono. If the adoption is uncontested and the mother is willing to consent (though what about the father?), then it should be relatively routine and not inordinately expensive. But do understand that the father has to consent as well. If his whereabouts are unknown or he's unwilling to consent, that'll probably be your biggest obstacle.

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The biological father of the girl legally relinquished his parental rights when she was about 2 yrs. Old. That is the reason the biological mother has sole responsibility and obligation for any and all child support. The courts took away the boys fathers rights as well because he was an endangerment to the child as well as a half sister to the little boy. The little boy's half sister was molested by the father (he is not the father to the little girl I have custody of) and he has not been seen for a few years. The last I heard is that he is still on the run from the law and has not been detained as of yet.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

This is very long BUT it is difficult to adopt unless you are married and in a stable relationship.

No, I would most definitely NOT even attempt this without the services of an Attorney.

Where is the bio father in this puzzle?

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Hopefully this is just an opinion about needing to be married and in a stable relationship. This is a fact... the little boys other half sister went into foster care about 2 1/2 - 3 yrs. Ago. This angel of a woman was a first time foster mother (this child was her first foster child) and had just registered w/ our local DSS. Within a very short period (not more than a year) she adopted this little girl. She was not married nor in a relationship and is employed as an occupational therapist at our local hospital. She did marry after the adoption, actually a couple of months ago in September. I have to mention that she is great and I have open communication with her and we both agree that the little boy (that is with me) and his half sister (the one with her) should see each other often. They share b'day get together's, holidays as well a occasional play dates. We both agree that they deserve to know their siblings and grow up in a close relationship as brother and sister. We just didn't feel it fair for them to be grown and have to hunt for their biological families. As to the father's of both children you can read what I answered to another poster. They no longer have any legal rights to these children. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I appreciate any input.

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Originally Posted by dnaakrs

Hopefully this is just an opinion about needing to be married and in a stable relationship. This is a fact...the little boys other half sister went into foster care about 2 1/2 - 3 yrs. ago. This angel of a woman was a first time foster mother (this child was her first foster child) and had just registered w/ our local DSS. Within a very short period of time (not more than a year) she adopted this little girl. She was not married nor in a relationship and is employed as an occupational therapist at our local hospital. She did marry after the adoption, actually a couple of months ago in September. I have to mention that she is great and I have open communication with her and we both agree that the little boy (that is with me) and his half sister (the one with her) should see each other often. They share b'day get together's, holidays as well a occassional play dates. We both agree that they deserve to know their siblings and grow up in a close relationship as brother and sister. We just didn't feel it fair for them to be grown and have to hunt for their biological families. As to the father's of both children you can read what I answered to another poster. They no longer have any legal rights to these children. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I appreciate any input.

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Anything posted here is opinion (based on experience, education, research) and NOT binding. You will notice that I used the word "difficult" and not the word "impossible."

There certainly are exceptions in every State and I thought I covered that.

You need the services of an Attorney because adoption can be very complicated, even under these circumstances.

Does anyone know about private and / or consentual adoption in the state of Virginia? This is where the children and I reside. Again the biological father's (they have different father's) have been stripped of their parental rights legally. The little girls father has never seen her, he left when the mother was 2 months. Pregnant. The little boys father has not been seen since August 2006 when the child was 15 months old. And back to the cost of the lawyer, I am not looking for a 100 percent accurate fee just a guesstimate. Money is tight of course as with most people but I can assure you that neither child does without. They may not have all that they want (does any child) but they do have all that they need. Especially the riches of love. They also have grandmas, uncles, aunts and cousins who adore them and don't mind spoiling them from time to time :). I am just trying to find out if this something possible for me and the children or if it's just going to be out of hands reach for us period. And again they as well as me could benefit much with the extra monies coming into the household. They both know I love them with my whole heart whether I can adopt them or not.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Anything posted here is personal opinion (based on experience, education, research) and NOT binding. You will notice that I used the word "difficult" and not the word "impossible."

There certainly are exceptions in every State and I thought I covered that.

You need the services of an Attorney because adoption can be very complicated, even under these circumstances.

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I am sorry that I missed the "difficult" and misphrased with "impossible". I hope I did not offend you because honestly that was not my intention. I really do appreciate anyone that takes time to read and then try to give me answers and / or opinions to any questions I post. Anything that anyone has to offer gives me a little more insight than I had before. Again, thanks and happy holidays.

This is a bit confusing but Im trying to get it straight. The bio mom had 3 children by 2 different men. Both of whom have been stripped of their parental rights ?

Another thing that may also work against you and that's why your going to need a lawyer is because your disabled. The other situation you quoted was for a person who was working etc. Having to raise children is no easy task. That's why most states require people to be married before adopting. The adoption process leads to independence from outside sources. In your case it does not. Yes the children most likely would qualify for benefits under your ssdi but is that the sole reason for adopting ? Do you have any paperwork or paper trail showing that the other fathers were in fact stripped of their rights ?

All of this adds up to making it more difficult to push an adoption through. Also just because you adopt these children it doesn't make the bio mom not be responsible for child support. Any current child support would be relieved; but past do arrears are still due and payable. In some states that means with interest as high as 10% or more.

No insult intended, none taken.

This is a very comprehensive site - it is also quite lengthy. If you read through I believe most of your questions will be answered.

Adoption Manual - Virginia Department of Social Services

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Originally Posted by califdadof3

This is a bit confusing but Im trying to get it straight. The bio mom had 3 children by 2 different men. Both of whom have been stripped of thier parental rights ?

Another thing that may also work against you and thats why your going to need a lawyer is because your disabled. The other situation you quoted was for a person who was working etc. Having to raise children is no easy task. Thats why most states require people to be married before adopting. The adoption process leads to independence from outside sources. In your case it does not. Yes the children most likely would qualify for benefits under your ssdi but is that the sole reason for adopting ? Do you have any paperwork or paper trail showing that the other fathers were in fact stripped of thier rights ?

All of this adds up to making it more difficult to push an adoption through. Also just because you adopt these children it doesnt make the bio mom not be responsible for child support. Any current child support would be relieved; but past do arrears are still due and payable. In some states that means with interest as high as 10% or more.

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I do have the paper work to show the fathers have been relieved of their parental obligations/rights. Yes the mother had 3 children by 2 different fathers. And no the benefits is not the sole reason for adoption. As I stated earlier I have had legal, full and sole custody of the 8 yr. old girl since she was 7 months old. I would have considered adoption many years ago if that was the only reason. I also stated that the 8 yr. old has ask me why haven't I adopted her and says this is what she wants also.(she has a friend at school who is adopted and also has knowledge of her half brothers sisters adoption). I was disabled also at the time custody was awarded to me of my daughter as well as her brother. I was awarded legal, full, sole and final custody of him as well. These children also were represented. I was found by the court to be the best guardian for these children and that my disability in no way interfered with me physically or mentally being able to raise the children. I have more than enough love, I have strong morals and I believe that children need more than a full belly and a bath to help them grow into mentally stable healthy adults. DSS actually contacted me about the little boy and I am happy they did. At least they have the chance to grow up together. I play with them, we do our family adventures together (beach, camping, picnics, etc.), we pray together, go to church together, we resolve issues (minor and major) together and at times cry together. I would die for either of them. I also well know that raising children is no easy task. I have already raised 3 strong, healthy individuals. 2 boys (ages: 32 and 28) and 1 girl (age: 25). I also have 8 grandchildren. And maybe your next question would be my age. If so, I don't consider myself too old to raise children. I turned 48 at the end of October. Why would I be good enough to be awarded sole and final custody of these children and not good enough to adopt them? I have obligated myself to them and the courts (and would have it no other way) to raise them as if they were my biological children until they are of age. Adoption would have course be for many other things but I will not lie, the money could help. Not just me but them also. Is there something wrong with that? I did something that their family members refused to do. I took these children as my own. To love and protect them forever. I don't feel as if I have given up anything but gained a lot. (I have had people to actually ask me that). I certainly didn't do it for money, I may get around $100.00 - $180.00 for them a month when the B-mom pays and many times she doesn't have a job and is in and out of jail so therefor cannot pay. ( I am trying to let you see my intentions toward these babies). Last but not least it is not to help the B-mom get out of her financial obligations. That is her worries. I did not ask the court for anything from her, the judge ordered her to do what she deemed necessary. I actually stated that I did not want anything from her. I love being a mother even though it is the hardest thing I have ever done or may ever do. For me raising small children is relatively easy, it's the adult ones that are hard. You can talk but they don't have to listen, they no longer have to abide by your rules and it is really hard to kiss their boo-boo's away. Thanks for you reply. God bless and happy holidays!

My concern is that you are mixing emotions and law. They are VERY separate issues. The fathers have to be legally removed as the parent, not just relieved of their responsibilities. The hard truth is that what you think and feel does not matter legally - and your disability may very well prevent you from adopting.

While everything you say is certainly emotionally or morally correct it is not all LEGALLY correct and this is a legal board.

Again - you MUST consult with an Attorney.

You really need to get with a couple lawyers in your area. You can shop around for one that is a good fit for you and your financial situation. I don't know about VA but in my state attorneys are required to draw up the adoption papers even if that is all that they do. This is because adoption is final and unless you are a practiced attorney you will have errors that just can't be there in the adoption process. This isn't meant as an insult to you but you need a lawyer.

I'm actually going to slightly disagree here. I think if a Virgnia court has awarded you sole legal custody, then it would be a logical step to go onto adoption.

In most cases I would agree with your other responses, but because the children have been in your LEGAL cusody for so long, there is a good chance the courts will approve an adoption.

I do think you would be better served by consuting an attorney. What you might try is a local law school. Many have free clinics.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

I'm actually going to slightly disagree here. I think if a Virgnia court has awarded you sole legal custody, then it would be a logical step to go onto adoption.

In most cases I would agree with your other responses, but because the children have been in your LEGAL cusody for so long, there is a good chance the courts will approve an adoption.

I do think you would be better served by consuting an attorney. What you might try is a local law school. Many have free clinics.

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Thank you so much for all your opinions and insight. One poster said I am mixing emotions with all the other. To me it is humanly impossible not too. Then some lead me to feel that some may believe that because of my disability I may not be financially able. I do not live off public assistance or public housing. I worked since I was 15 and paid taxes. Including my social security (which I am drawing from). I saved some money and put it back before my divorce. I am not rich or even well off. I do pay a mortgage and all the things that normally have to be paid. I do have a budget and do a lot of bargain shopping and we make it fine. We have a roof over our heads, are warm in the winter and our bellies are full. Shoot, we even have a spare used toyota just in case our van breaks down every now and then :). Thank you ScottGem you made the point I was trying to make w/o all of my emotions getting in the way and creating any confusion. Div. of Social Services has been involved w/ me and the children off and on for awhile. They came to me about the little boy. I have had the girl (my daughter for 8 yrs.) You answered my question. I ask that," if I am good enough to have sole, legal and final custody and am expected to raise these children til there of legal age why am I not good enough to adopt them". They will be with me either way. The division of social services child protective workers and the J and D court judge found me able and competent even though I have a disability to raise these children. The DSS is no longer involved w/ them. After several months they closed the case with confidence that they had the right person to care, love and provide for these children. I really just was wondering where to begin and how much it may cost to start but in all I have found many interesting opinions and comments. ScottGem, you have renewed my confidence in pursuing this and gave me some good leads to check into. I don't see why I would not be able to adopt them and that was never a question for me until I started reading some of the responses and then I began to get a little scared that if I went ahead with this that I may lose my family. As you said, I have had custody for a very long time and to me and them I am there mother. I feel the same about them as I did my biological children. I may enjoy them just a little more because I am older and am not worrying about juggeling a job and school like I had to when the grown children were small. I do know I need a lawyer, I would not pursue this without one. Again to the previous posters... I stated many times that the children's fathers have no legal rights to them. Yes, I have paper work showing that the fathers have had there parental rights removed. This all had to be done before I could obtain SOLE custody. One was voluntary termination and the court ordered the other father's rights terminated. Again, thanks to all and happy, happy holidays!!

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

My concern is that you are mixing emotions and law. They are VERY separate issues. The fathers have to be legally removed as the parent, not just relieved of their responsibilities. The hard truth is that what you think and feel does not matter legally - and your disability may very well prevent you from adopting.

While everything you say is certainly emotionally or morally correct it is not all LEGALLY correct and this is a legal board.

Again - you MUST consult with an Attorney.

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I definitely understand this is a legal board. That is the reason I posted my question here. I mainly ask, "how or where do I begin to start a voluntary adoption and how much money estimated might it cost". If my disability did not prevent me being awarded legal, sole and final custody I am not worried that it will prevent adoption. This is not what I ask. The child protective workers and the children's representatives proved to the courts that my disability could/would not affect my ability to care for these children. Remember that I said I obtained custody of the oldest almost 8 yrs. Ago and have just recently in the past year obtained custody of the little boy. So this had to be proven by different workers in two separate courts to two different judges in two separate cases many years apart and by the way in two different cities and counties. And yet again both fathers have been legally removed as parents. The first was voluntary. The second was done by the courts. I have the paper work. It was a lengthy process with the second custody case as this had to be done for me to obtain sole and final. Especially since this particular father was on the run from the law for previous child molestation charges against another child. I understand what it means to have a persons parental rights removed from them. The biological mother is willing and ready to sign the adoption papers for both children so this would be considered a voluntary adoption. That is what my question pertained to. A voluntary adoption, how/where to begin and a guestimate of the costs. Thanks and happy holidays.

Comments on this post dnaakrs disagrees: I believe you missed my question


First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedba...ure-24951.html

You did use the comments feature inappropriately in your comment to Judy's response.

And the advice to get legal counsel is very important here. Under your very specific circumstances, you may not need legal counsel in front of the court. But, I believe you need someone to properly prepare the adoption petition for you.

I do agree with my colleagues that there has been a lot of emotion in your posts, but understandable so. Where I disagree with them is that your current status with the children is such that adoption would, very likely, be granted. You have a fairly unique situation here that changes the normal rules.

Again, try a local law school. If you can't find help there, shop around for an attorney. Get costs on just preparing the petition and for representing you in court.

Good luck and keep us posted.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

Comments on this post dnaakrs disagrees: I believe you missed my question


First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedba...ure-24951.html

You did use the comments feature inappropriately in your comment to Judy's response.

And the advice to get legal counsel is very important here. Under your very specific circumstances, you may not need legal counsel in front of the court. But, I believe you need someone to properly prepare the adoption petition for you.

I do agree with my colleagues that there has been a lot of emotion in your posts, but understandable so. Where I disagree with them is that your current status with the children is such that adoption would, very likely, be granted. You have a fairly unique situation here that changes the normal rules.

Again, try a local law school. If you can't find help there, shop around for an attorney. Get costs on just preparing the petition and for representing you in court.

Good luck and keep us posted.

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I apologize for the misuse of the comments bar. I was beginning to feel slightly attacked because of my emotions and I am trying not to put them out there as much. I understand the difference between legal and personal and I certainly know that I am not a lawyer and have not studied law. That is the reason I posted my question to this forum. I ask a simple question as to where I needed to start and about the cost. I did not ask if my disability or anything else may keep me from adopting. I did not ask if anyone thought I could or could not adopt. It became somewhat frustrating to me to get the answer/answers I was originally seeking. I do thank Judy for the link to the Va. Adoption manual. This gave me the insight that I could be awarded adoption even with my disability and that I have been through the home studies and many other things mentioned for adoption. I had to go through these things to obtain custody therefore according to the manual I will not have to go through these things again and that I may have the waiting time waived. I have been in touch with an attorney today as well as made a visit to the DSS. So far it all looks good for the go. None of us are perfect and I am new to this. I am trying to learn what is/is not correct to do here. I also completely understand an opinion from a proven fact. Again thank you for guiding me in the right direction and I have found the answers to my posted question. I even learned that it is correctly called a "close relative adoption" and not a private adoption.

When you start asking about costs there is no real way for us to tell you what it will cost in the end. Also is recognizing your limits it also adds to the hurddles you might encounter. No one said you couldn't adopt. If that's what you read then you didn't absorb what was written. There are so many factors at play during an adoption and so many things that can go wrong if not done correctly. That's why we try to separate the law in your questions from the emotion in your needs. Sometimes it sounds harsh to say something but in reality when your in front of a judge then you must be prepared to have answers on the spot when going in. So its always best to be prepared so you may present yourself well and get what you came for in court.