My girlfriend(18yo) who I(18yo) dated for 1 year recently wanted a break to figure things out in her life before she could continue to date me. I was more than confused by this but agreed because I love her. She has been hanging out with this one guy lately that likes her and she likes him but she said she doesn't want to hurt me or him so she is going to just be friends with both of us. She called me after she talked to him and cried to me that she felt so bad for hurting him. I wanted to scream into the phone that she shouldn't be sad because she hurt him but because she broke my heart without a explanation but I just stayed calm and talked to her for a hour to calm her down she did say that I was the greatest guy she had ever met, that she wants to stay friends because I can make her laugh and smile, and many more compliments but no matter what she does she hurts someone. I feel sympathy for her but she crushed my heart into a billion pieces and even 2 weeks after our break up when I'm not with her I feel hollow. I get really jealous and my imagination wanders when she isn't with me and I think she is hanging out with that other guy and having sex (is that normal?) I wish I could trust her more when I'm not with her... but I'm not her boyfriend now so I guess I can't do anything about it. I love this girl so much... she still cares a lot about me I know she does but I just want to know why she won't date me now... basically the only thing that has change between us in the kisses, sex and constant phone calls everything else is the same but should I move on? Do I still have a chance of being with her again?

There is always the chance.

In my own opinion it does not matter who she is with now. You both are broken up for whatever reason. You think it is no reason but there is always a reason. Maybe because she does want to be with someone else, because she is torn.

My first reaction to your subject line can I get her back? My answer is No. It is over and eventually you will get past this wanting her.

It takes time and healing. I would not hold your breath. I would move on, especially if she is not feeling the same.

Then again I could be completely wrong. Just play it cool and depends on how long your patience is, but do not wait forever, there is always a chance... Just saying. Do not hold out on hope because it does sound that maybe she wants to explore the world.

She still tells me she loves me and will be there for me if I need to call her or anything, she is a amazing girl cute, funny, and smart. That's why I guess I'm hoping she will take me back. When I'm with her she will talk about the other guy but will say things like "he doesnt laugh at the same things you do that i do" and "when i hangout with him all i can think of is you" these things make me feel pretty good but when I'm not with her I have no idea what she is doing and I just assume the worst.

She may be saying all these things but if that is the case, and the truth why does she still see this other guy? That is something that you need to ask yourself.

It is not what she "says" but what she does, if she really LOVED you, like a boyfriend, she would be with you and dating you. Normally the NEEDING time is merely a nice way to break up and sounds like she is just being nice and you have not gotten the hint

This is how I'm thinking... she is hanging out with this other guy to make me jealous and to see how I will act, so far I've been sooo jealous and she knows it. Should I just go no contact with her and see if she texts or calls me? Or should I just remain good friends with her? We still hangout alone and talk and have fun but when I'm not with her I'm miserable and think about her all the time.

BTW thanks Jesushelper76 for answering!

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Originally Posted by blackheart101

this is how im thinking...she is hanging out with this other guy to make me jealous and to see how i will act, so far ive been sooo jealous and she knows it. should i just go no contact with her and see if she txts or calls me? or should i just remain good friends with her? we still hangout alone and talk and have fun but when im not with her im miserable and think about her all the time.

BTW thanks Jesushelper76 for answering!!

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If that is true, that she is testing you by seeing how you react. Is that a good way to be in a relationship. Testing each other, although I guess in many aspects that is human nature.
It is hard to say at this point. It all depends on if your prepared to cut off all ties or not. Are you able to stay friends all the time no matter what the out come is. If you do not think you can just remain friends then I would say maybe no contact is the best thing but this is your choice and what you think is best to do.

I know it is hard, thinking about her all the time but you need to be able to do your own things and not worry about what she is doing...

It is up to you to continue communication or not. Either way it goes, whether stay or go or hang out for a while. Just hope you grow and learn from this experience and do not let it eat away at you.

Let me ask you another question which is very important.

Was there any kind of agreements on the break? Time frame or anything else?

Yes there was a agreement she wanted the break to figure things out in her life like I said for 1 month... she called me every night for 3 days and cried on the phone with me and said she wanted it to be 1 week. Then she told me she wanted more time like 2 weeks. Then she told me we will be ready when we are ready... at this point I'm just letting her take 1 month but I'm not pressuring her and I made her agree to talking to me when and if she wants a relationship again.

I also told her that no matter her decision I will stay her friend because she has had a large impact on my life and she will make a good friend to have. I hope this will make her feel more comfortable and allow her to think about what she wants.

1 Month sounds reasonable. I am happy to hear that you have had some sort of agreement discussed.

Also would like to say that if you feel that no matter what you will want to remain friends then no contact is not a good idea. Keep the lines of communication open and give her the time she wants.

It is not good to go back and forth and her keep changing her mind but it sounds like that is what she is doing. You are both young and things can get quite confusing. It sounds like your giving her the benefit of the doubt and giving her that time.

What happens after a month? See if this starts becoming a cycle then you know it is really time to move on. It is up to you to see if that happens or not.

If it starts to be a regular back and forth and breaks and no breaks then you might want to rethink things with you, but your not at that point yet.

So keep things cool, try your best not to get jealous and best of luck with everything. In a way you answered your own questions but hopefully this helped some.

Yeah, I've put myself on a 1month limit also... if it doesn't work after the 1 month break then it will never work. Ill remain friend with her and life will go on. I feel like I'm being REALLY reasonable in the situation because I want her to feel as comfortable as possible during the break. Maybe too comfortable IDK... my mind roams and wanders but after 1 month ill get my answer for sure.

It is normal for your mind to wanders. It is normal to feel jealous as well.

Just by what you have wrote and we talked about it really does seem your being very reasonable, and you yourself said it, but maybe way to reasonable at the same time. Your making the atmosphere of no pressure which might just end up being the best medicine for your relationship.

While you are very reasonable, I can't figure out why you accept being a friend and going through the torture of listening to her dating adventures. What purpose does that serve except to keep you in the friend zone.

Sorry guy, but after a break, there needs to be healing, and the emotional dust has to settle, so you can realistically deal with what has happened.

I don't think it fair that you wait in limbo, hoping she comes back, while she is free to explore, be it a week or a month.

Leave her alone and let her make her decisions on her own, so you can do your thing in case her mind doesn't change in your favor.

Why are you punishing yourself by trying to remain friends with her? She knows how much you care about her, but cares so little for you that she discusses other men with you. How much fun is that? Or as Dr. Phil always says, "How's that working for you"?

I would run away from her! Sometimes you just can't go back to being friends with a person you had a relationship with.

I'm sure there's a great gal out there waiting to meet you. Good luck!


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Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us,
but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person
who wouldn't give up on them.

Does not mean that in this situation he should not give her a chance at all, or continue to be friends or not.

There was a deal, there is a month. That is out there, so after. It is his decision to make. Most people like to paint similar strokes these situations but not every situation is the same.

Have to give it at least a chance as long as it is not a repeating cycle. That is his choice and he has already decided to handle it the way he is.

Joe

Thank you all for your input... but as Joe said I am going to take my own path since I know her better than all of you guys. Talking to her and staying close but not too close will be good, she is already annoyed with this other guy and just wants to be single and not date anyone. She actually slipped and said to me she needs to focus so she can come back to the one guy she still loves. That guy is me, when I act all depressed around her she does say she is sorry and tries to make me feel better. We have mutal friends so I see her at parties and believe it or not she still sits with me when we watch movies. She tells me how when she is with this other guy she can't stop thinking abot how she would just rahter be with me because he doesn't take life seriously enough to talk about it, and when she does something funny or stupid he doesn't laugh and that makes her remember how I would be laughing my off... lol all in all she really misses me but she just wanted time to be alone, sounds like she will go off and find another guy but she can't seem to forget me at all. We have both been applying for college and its senior year so its stressful I don't blame her. Just a quick update for you guys that yes I'm doing better than expected at this time and when that 1 month time comes around I will give another update good or bad because I feel like you people actually care.

Update as often as you need.
And yes,people here care.
Now you take good care of yourself.

How can I approach her about this other guy... if we are just friends right now? I want to talk to her but I don't want her to feel like I'm being too nosey...

Do not talk about the other guy at all.

Let me update you guys and you can tell me what is going on because I am so lost I don't understand.

The other night she called me at midnight because she couldn't fall asleep and the only person she wanted to talk to was me, and my voice helps her fall asleep. She talked to me for an hour each night for the past few nights, and she says that when she is with the other guy that he doesn't laugh at the same things I do and she hates how he dresses.

But she also got pissed at me the other night because I found out she was drinking one night and told the other guy she liked him... she accused me of judging her.

I talked her down and she was happy with me again, she's emotional but I can calm her down better than anyone.

She told me she is taking me out for my birthday all day to a secret place that I will like and she is getting me a present too... in 2 weeks and I'm sort of curious if she si going to take me back then but I don't want to keep my hopes up. (do ex's usually throw birthday parties for each other and go off alone a lot?)

I am not to sure, but please be cool like your plan was.

Do not expect anything, please do not keep your hopes high at all.

Remember your deal. Ex's sometimes do throw birthday parties but going off all alone, not really.

Take care and hope things work out for you. It does tend to go up and down like a roller coaster.

I do hope you have a happy birthday regardless of how things go...