Hello everyone,

I am new member to this forum and I stumbled onto this site through Google. Before signing up I have been reading various threads here and they have been very helpful because I can relate to them very much.

Well, here is my story...
Several months ago (almost a year now) I was involved in a beautiful relationship. She was my first true love. We met in college and immediately fell in love. We spent 2 plus wonderful years together. Then it happened, she wanted to leave me because she said she wanted to go find herself, and see what else there was out there. I was committed to her and always tried to make her happy in every way. We shared many, many, many great times. After she left me I was a mess. Usually I am very composed, in control of my emotions, and confident. When this occurred, I cried like a baby, begged, spiraled into sadness, and did not think life would ever be the same again. But time passed, and with everyday I healed. I deleted her Facebook, phone number, and threw out everything of hers. I did not stay in touch with her and surrounded myself with friends. I met new people, focused on my education, and slowly started moving on. Now I know that we were not compatible, I took her off my pedistol, and realized that there were problems between the two of us.

After enjoying the single life for a while I decided that it was time to start a new relationship. I was not looking for anyone but I told myself that if an opportunity arose I would not reject it like I usually do. This brings me to the last part and my question...


I met this wonderful woman. She is very smart and we share many commonalities. We have been seeing each other for the past month now and just recently decided to be exclusive. I have been very cautious because my ex hurt me a tremendous amount. I have been thinking more rationally as opposed to last time where infatuation took over my brain. Here is my problem though with this new relationship. Even though she has many qualities that I enjoy, I still do not feel chemistry or a deep connection. She is falling for me hard and I am going slow. I explained to her how I feel and she understood.

So... should I continue seeing this new partner? How do I know if there is something between the two of us? My heart is not telling me anything unlike last time where is was beating so fast I was afraid it would jump out of my rib cage.

Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you

Other than jumping so soon into being exclusive, you should relax, and have fun getting to know her, and that takes quite a while. Things will get clearer, as time goes on. But don't lead the girl on, if your not feeling it.

Your older, wiser, and more experienced, than you were before, so not all females will make your heart jump out of your chest.

Yes, I have been slowly getting to know her and finding things out about her. I have being trying my best not to compare her to my ex but sometimes it does happen.

Here are my main concerns:
1.) She is introverted and somewhat insecure while I am very confident (not cocky) and also extroverted. For her to be social she needs alcohol in order to be more loose. I find that a turn off.
2.) Most of the times she wants me to make all the decisions, such as where we are going and what we are doing. I do not mind that but I would love it if my partner showed me new places, ways of thinking, and activities.
3.) She had a troubled dating past. She has dated plenty men before me and even cheated on one of them. Myself, I had one serious relationship and dated casually before that. I never cheated in my life and am a very committed person.

I know its only been a few weeks since we started dating but I just do not know if I should stay in this relationship and continue learning more about her since she has explicitly told me that she really really likes me.

When I first read your post I thought OK this is easy... after reading your second post,I have doubts.

While it is true that opposites attract and same attracts same,the one thing that they will all have in common is the same sense of fairness and morals and a level or what they each deem to be right and wrong...

The problem I see in your second post the basics that you need in a relationship are way off..

1.the alcohol.

2.the pleasing and no initative.

3. that she cheated in the past.

While these things are not deal breakers for some,maybe they are for you.

You don't really know her yet,perhaps when she settles into the relationship her confidence will grow..

You really should still be in the dating stage... this is where you find out IF you want to pursue a relationship...

Another point,just because she really likes you,does not mean you have a responsibility to stay.

I know I have made a for and against case,but for me,after a few dates and spending time together,if I'm started to dread or have misgivings... im walking away.

I agree with Red, after reading your second post, I think that there is cause for caution.

Sometimes when we've been hurt in a relationship we choose someone different for our next partner, someone that may reflect back to us the hurt and damage we have experienced.

I suspect you may have done this with this girl, and you are wise enough to recognize that there are issues.

I would suggest that you're not ready to date exclusively yet. It's still time to meet a few people and have a good time until you feel stronger and more confident.

Your choice of GF simply says that your heart is still healing and it's not time to give it to someone yet.

Hmm... very insightful posts. Thank you

Well, she is not so different from my ex or from what I look for in a woman.

She is very intelligent and can challenge me in that sense. She definitley has a career path and is a hard worker. She is very honest and I feel like I can trust her.

I also agree with you Gemini about not being ready to date eclusively but I did not realize this until now. We already both agreed a few days ago to be in an exclusive relationship. She has alreaedy been telling all her friends about me and how I am her new boyfriend. How can I just suddenly change my mind and tell her that I just want to date her and not be in a relationship. I feel like that would not go over too well with her.

Something else I have been thinking about is how picky I am. I have been wondering to myself if I should change this. I feel like I have a lot to offer a woman and many friends/mentors/co-workers/women have told me just this. I am very humble with my qualities and do not like to boast so I apologize if this sounds cocky. Now that I have gotten over my ex I can reflect on the past with a clear head. I know why we were not compatible and I understand that there were some qualities that she had that were not so positive. But nonetheless I feel like she had a lot going for her. I have not met a woman who had such confidence, drive, sympathy, etc... She had almost all of the qualities I was looking for in a woman. This is why the break up was especially difficult. Now, I do not want her to come back nor do I have the same feelings for her anymore. I just wonder sometimes if I will ever find someone else with those similar qualities. I know that I can find many beautiful girls but so far the ones I have met did not have the qualities I am looking for.

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Originally Posted by Life Happens

Hmm...very insightful posts. Thank you

Well, she is not so different from my ex or from what I look for in a woman.

She is very intelligent and can challange me in that sense. She definitley has a career path and is a hard worker. She is very honest and I feel like I can trust her.

I also agree with you Gemini about not being ready to date eclusively but I did not realize this until now. We already both agreed a few days ago to be in an exclusive relationship. She has alreaedy been telling all her friends about me and how I am her new boyfriend. How can I just suddenly change my mind and tell her that I just want to date her and not be in a relationship. I feel like that would not go over too well with her.

Something else I have been thinking about is how picky I am. I have been wondering to myself if I should change this. I feel like I have a lot to offer a woman and many friends/mentors/co-workers/women have told me just this. I am very humble with my qualities and do not like to boast so I apologize if this sounds cocky. Now that I have gotten over my ex I can reflect on the past with a clear head. I know why we were not compatible and I understand that there were some qualities that she had that were not so positive. But nonetheless I feel like she had a lot going for her. I have not met a woman who had such confidence, drive, sympathy, etc... She had almost all of the qualities I was looking for in a woman. This is why the break up was especially difficult. Now, I do not want her to come back nor do I have the same feelings for her anymore. I just wonder sometimes if I will ever find someone else with those similar qualities. I know that I can find many beautiful girls but so far the ones I have met did not have the qualities I am looking for.

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So keep looking.

Your relationhsip is just new, it's better to tell her now than in a month or a year when you are really unhappy. Just say you've been reflecting and that you understand you're not ready for a commitment yet. Make it about you, not about her.

It doesn't matter what her friends think. It's what you think that counts.

Your relationship is still in the new phase.

Stop fretting and give love and desire time to develop. Sometimes one falls in love quickly, but sometimes it takes time!

If you're not going to take your relationship a day and a time and be open to developing a relationship, then you should break up with the girl ASAP.

Its all about being honest with yourself, and being honest with others. Okay you hooked up too fast, and maybe just got carried away with having someone. But its not to late to step up, and do what you feel is right.

Hey, its not like your married, or anything, and its barely been a month. I guess your seeing the other side of how feelings can change for no reason. They just do.

Hmmm.. once again great insights.

One side of me once to continue developing this relationship and continue learning. But another side of me is afraid of dwelling in too far since there are already some cautions.

Also, I have a very difficult time breaking up with someone since I really do not want to see the other person hurt. I have done it once and it caused both a lot of pain to my partner and I.

The others have already provided some great advice. Here are a few more nuggets.

Remember, she is who she is. You can't force her to change. So at the end of the day, you're going to have to decide whether these qualities of hers will continue to bother you or whether you can get over them.

You're obviously still hurt by your past relationship, so you definitely shouldn't rush into a new relationship. Go at whatever pace you're most comfortable with. But if you find yourself constantly wanting to change things about her, then maybe it's not working and you will need to reconsider the relationship.

Very true. I would never want to force someone to change for me as I would not want someone asking me to change.

I think I will continue seeing her to get a better sense of her and my feelings for her. I will ask her to take things slow since I do not want to give her false hope or anything along those lines. If I continue being bothered by those traits or if anything new arises I will then leave the relationship.