I was conversing with a friend the other night on standards for relationships... I stated that cheating was not okay in my book and that I don't want to build a relationship on what to me was dishonesty. As we continued to talk I noticed that on my end at least the topic of discussion stuck with "cheating" as we went back and forth; I was later informed that there has never been a relationship in my friends life where they were not cheated on... my friend later responded with "it's not that I look for it. I've become numb to it" I asked a question for that response that went something like, "so if it happens are you just kinda like "okay whatever" with it?" their response... "yea pretty much" I was baffeled... My mind questioned how can someone have 1) been cheated on so many times to make them become numb and blinded that these people really and truly do NOT care about them and 2) that they really just don't care and a part of them expects it to happen.
Now my question comes from how people really see cheating... Is it possible to say that someone who claims they truly care about you can go off and cheat so easily? Would you personally go back to that person after being cheated on? What makes one want to cheat? And why is my friend so okay with being cheated on? Sorry that the question was so long and winded I just wanted to make sure I hit all the points... Thoughts/opinions even personal experiences would be nice and grateful... I just want to know how to approach this person now because I ended the conversation on bad terms by saying, "it is a big deal and I am extremely sorry ur okay with that." I like this person a lot but I hate that this is something they are okay with...

I don't think we can generalize. Everyone has a different point of view.

I've never been cheated on, that I know of, so I can't say for sure what I would actually do. However, now that my mind is clear, I find that I just don't have it in me to forgive the other person.

That being said, cheating is a very broad word. What constitutes as cheating? There is also physical and emotional cheating.

1) Kissing and more (i.e.

1) Kissing and more (i.e. physical) is more unforgivable cheating in my books, because it's controllable.

2) Emotional cheating is more forgivable, because it's uncontrollable. As long as you don't act on those feelings.

) is more unforgivable cheating in my books, because it's controllable.

2) Emotional cheating is more forgivable, because it's uncontrollable. As long as you don't act on those feelings.

I would also tie cheating and trust together. If my significant other cheats on me, I won't be able to trust them anymore.

Cheating = Breach of trust
No trust = no relationship

Hi. I've been cheated on.

First time was like this huge cryfest.

Second time was "that's great"

Thirds was "Meh"

It's not that you don't care that your being cheated on, it's that hell it's better to move on than to have this huge crying and "why?" "did you love her?" "how could you do this" parade.

I find it pointless, so if you cheat on me bye. It's not that I don't care it's just I don't care to ball my eyes out or make a production out of it.

....that's just my opinion

It's not acceptable in my book, and if anyone were ever to do that to me,they'd be given their marching orders. It would destroy all trust and to quote I wish-no trust,no relationship.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by amicon

It's not acceptable in my book, and if anyone were ever to do that to me,they'd be given their marching orders. It would destroy all trust and to quote I wish-no trust,no relationship.

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I agree and disagree with you.

Sometimes, if it's like a 20 year marriage and the spouse cheats that one time I think you can try to rebuild whatever was broken.

It really depends on the relationship.

Twice however is and should be a boot out the door.

That's just what I think anyways...

Yes, I'm not saying that wouldn' work for some people,as you say in a long marriage I'm just saying what wouldn't work for me personally.

I don't think anyone can truly be accepting of "cheating". In my opinion she has been hurt so many times that her self-confidence/esteem is simply gone and (in her mind) a cheating man is what she deserves and expects.

She really needs some counseling or at least self-help books to get her back on track. You're a great friend to show your concern for her.

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“No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won’t make you cry”

I love how most of the people who respond to the cheating threads are those that assume they will be cheated ON, rather than being the cheater themselves.

It's not EASY to cheat on someone. But--unless you're a serial cheater (and those do exist)--it's easier than you'd think it would be, if the circumstances are right for it.

I don't care what anyone says--if it's a "one time" cheating thing, it's usually the fault of BOTH people in the couple: The cheater, for not sticking by the rules, and the one cheated on, for withholding from the relationship whatever it was that was needed that cause the cheater to get it from someone else.

If you're never willing to have sex (note the word WILLING, not "unable due to medical reasons"), why should your partner be condemned to follow YOUR choice?

If you're unwilling to give gratitude, affection, attention, communication, and attraction to your partner--why WOULDN'T they be tempted elsewhere?

SOMETHING is lacking in a relationship where cheating happens. Yes, it should be talked about, and yes, you should probably just leave instead of cheating---but you wanted opinions on cheating. If you don't truly LISTEN to your partner, and their needs, and work on a compromise between their needs and your own--well, you should probably expect to be cheated on. SOMEONE will decide that your partner is sexy, be grateful for the things he/she does, hold them in affection, and listen to them if YOU don't--and frankly, if you've been ignore, that kind of attention is a little hard to turn down.

I hope that those of you who think they know how they will react to be cheated on never actually are faced with having to KNOW, for sure, what they would do. It's easy to say "I'd never cheat" or "I'd get rid of a cheater so fast and never trust them again". It's NOT as easy to be in the position where you have to actually MAKE that choice, instead of just talk big about it.

You make some excellent points Synnen. A person wouldn't risk breaking up their happy relationship by cheating. When they are ready to cheat, it means something went wrong in the relationship already, so they don't fear to jepordize what they have.

In other words, by the time someone cheats, there's already been lots of issues in the relationship, to the point that the couple can pretty much break up anyway.

The problem is controlling those urges to cheat. Ideally, it would be better to break up first, then hit it off with the next person. That way, it doesn't qualify as cheating, but it would qualify as a rebound and that's not fair to the new person. It's almost a no win situation sometimes.

It's not so much that, I Wish.

I cheated on my husband, years ago, before we were married.

I'd tried literally EVERYTHING to get his attention. Talking, romantic dinners, clean house, making dates, leaving notes, emails, sending him a letter, EVERYTHING. Nothing worked. I was sad, he couldn't see it (he was happy, why wouldn't I be?), and things went to hell. When someone DID start listening to my hopes and dreams, told me I was sexy, was grateful when I cooked a meal or ironed a shirt, and basically gave me a huge amount of attention when I was STARVED for attention---well, let's just say it was hard to resist.

I immediately felt guilty, and confessed to my boyfriend, and obviously we had a HUGE fight. I left for a couple of weeks, and we both had time to think. We discussed it and decided to try to make things work. 10 years later, we're STILL discussing things to make things work. And he's NEVER taken me for granted again. Me cheating was his wake-up call that he was going to lose me for the sole reason that he'd become complacent in the relationship.

I didn't want to break up first--I didn't want to break up at ALL! I didn't plan the cheating--it really did just kind of happen.

Again--it comes back to communication within the relationship, and making sure that both people understand that there are times when you HAVE to listen, and have to act on what is said with changes to save your relationship.

Like anything else cheating is but another situation to deal with in the reality of a relationship. For all the emotional fallout, I think it depends on the partners aer willing to work through this in a positive way.

Talaniman Rule - No matter what life throws at you, its how you deal with it that counts most.

Maybe leaving the situation is what you would do, maybe not. I think as long as both partners are willing to keep working, that's what they will do, but if one says NO WAY! its over for them both.

The most important way to maintain a healthy relationship is to talk, and share your feelings.

Talk first, then split, before you cheat, I say.

But there are people who cheat every day who have loving husbands and wife's at home. They cheat because they are selfish, and want to have their cake and eat it too.

They also cheat because they have gotten themselves in a relationship before they are ready.

But I agree with you all about the relationship already having problems MOST of the time when someone in it cheats.

I personally would not be able to just say "Oh well, so what". Cheating is a trustkiller, and a dealbreaker, in my book.

And once the trust is gone, the love fades like a mist.

When my wife is running late, I am wondering if something happened to her, and not who she is with. I refuse to live my life being an investigator in my own home.

I trust her with all my heart, and want to keep that feeling.

I am thankful for all of the feedback I am getting with this... Some of the other points I would like to make is that. I have no idea either side; I have never been cheated on nor cheated on someone and I think that's why I am so confused by this. My friend has just become acceptive of people cheating on her as if it's the way a relationship should go. She is an amazing person and I feel as if she deserves the best but she goes back to some ex's of her's because she thinks they genually care about her and it's hard for me to see that when they ALL have cheated on her. The craziest thing I heard her say was that one in one relationship they cheated on her for someone else because they could only see my friend as someone to settle down with in the future... HUH! Was my first thought... I was totally confused...

How does someone become okay with being cheated on? If their partner knows that they are okay with being cheated on wouldn't that make them see no self-worth of the other... So then they know they can do whatever? Especially it is someone who is known for cheating in the first place...

Hi! Being cheated on is the worst experience a person could have in a relationship. It rivals the death of a spouse. In fact, I think it inflicts the same amount of pain as the death of your spouse. However, the damage caused by infidelity is far greater. Your friend seems to be a great person. I don't think she has become OK with being cheated on. One way to deal with this kind of injury is to kill off a part of yourself and to become numb, because then you feel less pain... it is a defense/coping mechanism. This is especially true if a person thinks he/she cannot escape their situation. I don't know your friend, but I hope this explanation helps a little bit. The most difficult part is to help somebody in this situation. I don't think it is possible. There is no excuse for cheating... look what it did to your friend.

How do you help? Well you don't unless your friend asks for help, you cannot fix other people, we all have opinions on these things, but we cannot live the way the other person does.

Im sure if your friend wanted or needed help she would ask you for it.

So until such time as she does ask for help or does want to stop allowing herself to be treated disrespectfully then nothing you do or say is going to make much difference.

I can see where you are coming from in this and understand why you are wanting to help her, but really unless she chooses to make changes or to stop allowing this you won't get anywhere, but you might end up losing a friend.

It would seem your friend may have self esteem issues, and possibly low self confidence.

Whatever she chooses to do though is her right and her responsibility to deal with the outcome of her choices, you can't change her only she can do that.

She is responsible for her choices and you yours. You could say nothing, and leave her to it, that in itself could be her wake up call.

By making something of it you could inadvertently be reinforcing her choosing to allow this.

As a friend you might do well to just accept her as she is and allowing her to make her own choices is part of what friendship is about.

Unconditional.

We are each of us responsible for our lives and only our own life, we cannot live anyone else's life.

Maybe you could help boost her confidence and self esteem.

She will though make her choices and you yours.

Agree to disagree, if she wants help she will ask for it.

positiveparent, this post is 8 months old, last activity 5 months ago. Don't be surprised if you don't get any feedback on your answer.

I realised that after I had posted the reply, ooopppsss.