Help... I don't know what to do... I just knew that my hubby had a child from his previous relationship... he doesn't know that he had one until now that someone texted him about the child.. he has not told me of the whole story how he was contacted by that person... but he keeps on insisting me that its not true.. I'm just confused with him because if it isn't true then why is he so affected about that? And one thing more is he still doesn't know who the texter was but he had an idea of who it is.. I try to talk to him about the situation but he doesn't give any interest in it.. our relationship is affected because of what's going... if I keep on trying to talk with him he just get mad.. I have so many questions in mind that keeps me confused because I don't know who I should talk with... what should I do?

First, please pay more attention to posting guidelines. There is a Read First sticky at the top of the Introduction forum (where this was moved from) which states that it is NOT the place to ask questions. So your post was moved here.

If you have questions you ask them! If he refuses to answer then you explain to him that his secretiveness is affecting your marriage. Make sure you explain that you are not upset about this since it happened before you got involved with him.

But it may be that he doesn't believe this is his child. But what man would not be affected by someone claiming he fathered a child whether its true or not. Until a paternity test settles the issue, it could be very upsetting.

What is the mother asking from him?

Also, what are your primary worries about the situation?

We can guess or assume we know, but you might want to write down what you are most worried about.

Your post left a lot of unanswered questions.

Was this child conceived while you were married or was it before you married? If you were married you need to start asking all those tough questions and insisting on answers.

Do you know who the woman is? If you do, you could talk directly to her to verify it.

If he doesn't have all the facts, then there isn't much he can tell you. Maybe its about getting all the facts, but he may not acknowledge this child for whatever reason.

Back away from this until there are more facts, or developments. Pressure will only push him away, until he can process the implications of a very mind blowing revelation.

I agree with Talaniman. For the time being, give him some space.

But I also still think you should try to articulate your own fears about this situation so that you can more calmly talk to your husband when the time is better.

In other words: What is your worst fear?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by nickolei

help... i dont know what to do... i just knew that my hubby had a child from his previous relationship... he doesnt know that he had one until now that someone texted him about the child.. he has not told me of the whole story how he was contacted by that person... but he keeps on insisting me that its not true.. im just confused with him because if it isnt true then why is he so affected about that? and one thing more is he still doesnt know who the texter was but he had an idea of who it is.. i try to talk to him about the situation but he doesnt give any interest in it.. our relationship is affected because of whats going... if i keep on trying to talk with him he just get mad.. i have so many questions in mind that keeps me confused because i dont know who i should talk with...what should i do?

---

How old are you both and how long have you been together? How old is the child in question? Do you and your husband have any children?

From what you have written, it sounds like you 'knew' before anyone contacted him. How did you 'know'? Why didn't you say something before he received the text?

That he didn't 'know' would have me asking if this person was telling the truth or if rumor and speculation are making 'facts' out 'possibilities'. Your husband may have a better idea of the motivation of the person who sent the text and doubts the validity of the claim. That doesn't mean that the thought or possibility of having a child he didn't know about hasn't hit a soft spot. It could be that he is more affected by memories than anything else.

Write down your questions on a piece of paper. Get them out of your mind. Stop letting them affect your relationship. It may be hard to accept, but you have to allow him to deal with it.

You need to back off and continue to give him the love and support that he needs. Remember that you can't force or nag him into doing anything including talking about what measures he may be taking on his own. This is one of those times you are going to have to trust him and keep the lines of communication open for when he is ready to talk.

We've been five years married, had a daughter who is four years old... we've been close friends for the last 15 years... and we're both adventurous with anything and everything.. we've been doing everything sweethearts would do except for sex... because we respect each other.. we've been married because I got pregnant with him... before I got pregnant and get married, I asked him if he had a child with other woman.. he just told me that he hasn't and that if ever he had one, why doesn't the mother of the child inform him so... for 15 years he told me about his serious relationships and everything up to one night stands... he hasn't told me about this woman who he thinks texted him about his child... the child was around 8 or 9... analyzing the years he is going steady with his girlfriend who at this time is my friend now.. he told me he still don't know who the woman is but he has an idea who it is... I don't know if the woman who texted him just wanted to destroy our relationship or what.. he just keeps on telling me that he is hunted by his past... I don't know if he communicates with that woman... I don't have any idea right now what's going on with them or not... he just keeps on assuring me that the text is not true and that he loves us, and if ever it is true he would never leave us... one thing more, if he gets drunk, he's asking for his freedom... what does he mean about that? Should I believe him or not?

Never believe a drunk, just put them in a safe place to sleep it off.

Be patient, and wait for more facts.

Drunk persons are unbelievable, but my husband is not like this... he has been like this since the time he was texted of it... would I wait until he's the one who would open up? Until he is ready to speak out?

By the way, cat... we're both 26... how do I use this site to talk or chat with users online? Thanks

Thanks everyone for your answers... in some way it helped me release my worries... more power to everyone...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by nickolei

by the way, cat... we're both 26... how do i use this site to talk or chat with users online? thanks

---

If it is about getting or giving advice, we keep it in the thread.

There are discussion threads under Member Discussions (in the Forum Community section on the Home page.)

We've been five years married, had a daughter who is four years old... we've been close friends for the last 15 years... and we're both adventurous with anything and everything.. we've been doing everything sweethearts would do except for sex... because we respect each other.. we've been married because I got pregnant with him... before I got pregnant and get married, I asked him if he had a child with other woman.. he just told me that he hasn't and that if ever he had one, why doesn't the mother of the child inform him so... for 15 years he told me about his serious relationships and everything up to one night stands... he hasn't told me about this woman who he thinks texted him about his child... the child was around 8 or 9... analyzing the years he is going steady with his girlfriend who at this time is my friend now.. he told me he still don't know who the woman is but he has an idea who it is... I don't know if the woman who texted him just wanted to destroy our relationship or what.. he just keeps on te

I'm thinking about how I would react to such a life changing event- finding out your husband may or may not have another child from a previous relationship.

I would personally want the answers- NOW! This not knowing, yet knowing if it is true, could change your life forever.

While he has an obligation himself, to verify the information (we are talking about a child here), he too is settling with this information, which came out of the blue, with nothing to back it up.

It is likely within probablities that it could be true, and he has to deal with that first. What if it is, what is he going to do, how does he deal with this.

While it will undoubtedly cause a lot of anxiety for you, and I totally understand why, please try to step back a bit, and let this all settle. He has to come to some conclusion, or course of action. That is where he will need you, but not before.

Sometimes the truth does come out after a few drinks. People are fortified and things slip out. I'm not talking crawling, peeing pants drunk, but a few glasses of wine, tongues start to wag. He may be letting out some of the fear and anxiety he is feeling, but, it may not amount to anything more than that. It can't, until he knows the truth.

Bide your time, no pressure, carry on as usual. For all you know it could be some dumb prank.

The time will come, where if it is true, the truth will be front and centre regardless of what you do now.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jake2008

ISometimes the truth does come out after a few drinks. People are fortified and things slip out. I'm not talking crawling, peeing pants drunk, but a few glasses of wine, tongues start to wag. He may be letting out some of the fear and anxiety he is feeling, but, it may not amount to anything more than that.

---

I think this is exactly right. How someone feels sometimes is not a measure of what they are necessarily going to act on.

Who hasn't felt trapped sometimes?
I wouldn't blame him for feeling that way right now. But what he does with that is the measure of the man.