Leave the past in the past. How many time have we all said that? My question is, how many people can actually do it? So far in life, I have not been able to. It is so hard for me to get over every little, teeny, tiny thing I have ever done. It seems like I cannot get past certain things in my life. Why can't I move on? Why can't I just brush things off my shoulder and just... be? I am so fed up with the person that I am. I am so tired of being me. I mean, what is so special about me anyway? I complain all the time. I about everything. I belittle everyone around me. People have to treat me like a child to be able to get along with me. I am always on the defensive so I make everyone feel like everything is their fault. I act like a crazy person. I lie and I make promised I can't keep. I do things I know are wrong. I am so tired of being me. I just wish I were... a different person sometimes. I just wish I were... I don't know. I just want to be different. Yet I guess I don't want it enough to change. I have no idea what to do. I thought changing jobs would make things so much better. In a sense it has. I do feel happier more often but just changing jobs isn't going to change everything. I don't know why I thought it would. How can I expect things to be OK with friends and family if I'm not OK inside. I feel like things would be better for everyone if I just weren't in their lives anymore.

I just feel helpless. I feel like I can't change anything. My marriage is suffering because He is the one that gets all of the bad parts of me. He is tired of not seeing the good parts of me. He's tired of having to have the same old conversations with me about things I do or say or feel. I can't blame him. I feel like I have just fallen apart emotionally. I feel like I can never be the person I want to be. It's quite complicated. I am always thinking of me dying and not getting to achieve things. My mother had breast cancer so I feel like my fate is already sealed and that if I don't do everything right now I will die before I get to do them. I am constantly stressed about every little thing. I worry about every little thing. My husband is such a great man and goes to great lengths to make me happy and then I only think of myself. I feel like everyone's lives would be more fulfilled and happy-go-lucky if they didn't have me to 'watch after or over'. How can I change things? I try to be happy and for some reason I'm just not. I cannot figure out why. My husband thinks I'm not happy with him and that's what's going on and I know that he is really the only thing that does make me happy. And then that makes me feel like I'm too attached to him and I depend on him for my happiness and I don't want to. I want to just be the happy person I used to be.

Why do I do things without thinking them through. Why am I so selfish. Why do I do things I know I shouldn't?

Wow, Holly... it's not that I don't understand what you're saying, but I guess I wonder 'what's in it for you?' (yes, totally stolen from Dr. Phil). Changing your thought process is hard work and will continue to be work for you for the rest of your life. Continue with it and try the best you can, and accept that you're going to screw up. Hun, that's OK... we ALL do, but keep trying! I'm very envious of the people who seem to be happy over the smallest things, laugh so easily. But I strive to be like them, to appreciate the things we take for granted (I'm often not successful, but tomorrow's a new day... keep trying!). Just try to keep out of the self-pitying role and don't over-think too much. If you were to die tomorrow (God-forbid), you have to realize that, yes, life would go on as it always does, but the people around you won't be any more or less happy. It comes from within - and you have it in you. Just keep trying to find it. We all go through these introspective, destructive thoughts from time to time (ok, at least I do) but they too will pass. Trust in that, OK?

Hi holly,

My life is similar to that of yours. I've recently realised why I have these issues. I hope that my explaining myself, and my situation helps you.

So, when I was younger I used to see a lot of fighting, nothing physical but emotionally and finacially and such. This put a lot of stress on me as a child, which in turn influenced my thought patterns. When I was about 4 or 5 I began to fantasize about what may happen next, and how to prevent it. See I will sit and think about any given situation, whether old or current or new, and I will play it over and over in my head. It's really reenacting or role playing the situation so I can predict when it will/may happen again, and how to prevent it, or at least how to cope with it.

It's a survival thing actually. We don't like dealing with stressful situations so we develop this behaviour to cope with it.

How do you stop thinking about the past when you have done so for at least 20 years and you are conditioned to do this when you are stressed. Lets face it, life is full of stress. So I'm thinking like this all the time, and it depresses me to the point I don't want to see nor hear from any one. I even get suicidal thoughts. I feel selfish, foolish, I cry (more than is healthy.), I get frustrated easily, I am overly sensative, and just low.

There are any number of ways to deal with this. Meditaion, yoga, swimming, working out, running, dancing, martial arts, drawing, writing, singing, building things, and so on. Do things that you like and enjoy so that you can let go of your wows. Do things that keep your mind bussy and then when it's appropriate to let go of your emotions, let them out. If it's with a counseller, or alone, with a close friend not your significant other (they need a break some times.).

I suggest going to a counseller, learning some techniques to cope and deal with it. I'm hoping mine can help me. But hey, to each their own. Take care. Let me know what you think. Believe me I have more, much more.

Yeah, I have a lot of stuff that happened back in my life and there's just too much to type. I got so depressed that I actually thought of hurting myself. Then that made me more depressed becase I know I'm better than that. I refuse to tell my husband how serious it is because he will just overreact. He doesn't believe in mental illness. He believes that you can just 'be happy' and fix the problems.

The problem is that he gets the brunt of everything. He's the one that gets the excuses and the crying. He gets the 'i'm sorrys'. And he has a point when he says. "if you're sorry then why do you keep doing it." I do and say the same things over and over again even though I know better.

I think that I need to see a therapist. Problem is there is NO MONEY! Like, at all. Right now we are living on ramen noodles because we have no money. When I was 13 my doctor put me on xanax. I guess that means that there was something wrong with me. My doctor wouldn't tell me what it was he just gave me the medicine and told my dad what was wrong. Maybe I need to get some medicine again.

I know that I need to do something because my marriage is struggling and my husband is getting tired of it. He's the last thing I want to lose.

I just want to be different. Yet I guess I don't want it enough to change

There is a certain comfort in not having any expectations of yourself for change, and thus others don't expect it either.

The mistake is realizing what you have to lose, and what you have to gain, by remaining as you are, or taking the steps to change.

I really think you need to see a counsellor, and get a checkup with your Doctor. Speak freely about what you feel, how you behave, just as you have here.

Your behaviour is not unique to you. Many people are in the same boat, but there are options, and if you decide you need to make changes in your life, get the right help to do it.

If you choose not to change, you will be in exactly the same place you are now, which is miserable.

Good luck to you.