I am a50 yr. old mother with a 27 yr.old daughter, who is married with a 7 yr.old, 5yr.old twins (boy and girl) and a 8 yr. old stepson. I also have a set of twins (boy and girl) that are 18 and a 16 yr.old son. I divorced my oldest daughters dad when she was a year old. She was my only child until she was 9 and I had my twins. When my youngest turned 2 and I was informed that my husband had another child at his age by another woman, needless to say, we divorced and I spent the rest of their adolesent years raising all 4 by myself. When she turned 13, she and her dad took me to court she said I was too strict on her and couldn't give her enough attention. The courts allowed her to move in with him and there she stayed until she graduated high school. (Although when she was 16 she came to me and told me her dad was too mean to her and she wanted to come back home. So, I took her dad back to court but they said she was not going to jump back and forth and told her she had to stay with her dad.) Now, her with her children and she is in nursing school. Myself, her inlaws and grandparents are always helping with the kids, financially, actually whatever their needs, one of us is always there. There are times she drops the kids off and seldom picks them up when she says. We all deeply love these children and would, I can speak for us all, do anything in this world for them. There have been several times we all have been lied to about where they are. I know its none of our business but a week ago it was the straw that broke the camels back. She called asking me if I could watch the kids because no one else was available because her grandfather (father's dad) was having surgery and her husband couldn't take off work. I said I would but for her to pick them up right after school because I would have them at my work. She should have been here about 2:00 and by 3:00 I tried calling and texting her cell phone... no reply or answer. Finally at 4:00 she shows up and she said her phone was on silent and I also found out that her husband took off work to go deer hunting. I confronted her about lying to me and she told me I was pathetic and had no time for me. That I wasn't there for her in her teenage years to "braid her hair" or come to any of her school activities. First of all, her hair was braided many times when she lived with me and I was never informed of her activities. Yes I was limited to what I could do, I had 3 little ones at home and worked full time. When our conversation ended she called me by my given name, not mom, but "Goodbye (name)". I told her I got the message that I was out of her life. God have mercy on all of us! I have prayed and prayed--I cannot find the path to take. Somebody have direction for me even if it's that I am wrong, tell me what I should do. I might also note that her and her husband do her inlaws and grandparents the same way but she always throws up "Ill never ask you to watch them again", So no one says anything anymore. I don't want to lose my grandkids or her.

Sounds to me like this girl has been playing you for a long, long time. She is using your own guilt against you.
You were to "strict" when she was a kid... translation - you made her tow the line and since dad was in the wings - she got the "I'll show you" attitude and moved. Then when Dad made her tow the line - she tried to come back - but it back fired...
Now, she wants to blow up on you and throw out the past when she gets called on something.
QUIT playing her game! She knows she can play you and she WILL until you stop.

Set up when and when you won't watch the kids, let her know that lying to you will cut off the free baby sitting,

Guess why the others are not watching ?

Thank each of you for your reply's whether it was what I wanted to hear or not. My emotion's just go back and forth with her. One day I feel guilt, another day I don't. Its sad what we as parents can be put through after what we struggle to do for them as children. One thing I cannot understand is how she can be so disrepectful to me as a parent. I would have never spoke to my parents as she has whether they deserved it or not. Fortunately I was raised in a good christian home and not a broken home. Given the fact that I left her dad I feel she is blaming me. I accept 100% of this blame because I didn't stay "For better or for worse". I won't go into detail only to say I left him feeling very insecure and trashy. I would love to sit her down and talk to her about the mistakes she is making but I know very few words will be said before she storms out and I'm sure things would be worse. I have read a few articles on parents and adult children and one message I have gotten out of each of them is when they leave home our job is done and it is not our place to try and correct them, they need to learn from their own mistakes just as we have. But it is so hard when small children are involved and we as parents know the fear of God. God Bless each of you for your support and shoulder's!

You are in a tough spot. The proverbial rock and a hard place.

I think she doesn't necessarily care what comes out of her mouth, as long as it hurts you, or stops you from asking questions she doesn't want to answer. I too would have hauled her up on the husband gone hunting b.s. and her reaction says as much about her lying to you outright, as it does about her husband not pulling his weight. They are both using you, and the others, because she (and her husband) get away with it.

It is so easy to try to make sense of the accusations, and perceived shortcomings of you as her mother. I think any of us that has gone through this sort of thing will admit to re-living those years and wondering if we did enough, said enough, loved enough, listened enough and caught all the small things. I still do that with my daughter when I start to doubt myself because of things she says to me that are very hurtful.

At this stage of the game it is okay to say no. If that means seeing less of your grandchildren, then that is how it has to be. Although in the long run she will be back because she has it too good.

If she understands the words boundaries, respect, and honesty, she will quickly get the picture that that is what you expect from her, in order to carry on a mutually agreeable relationship. You can't live by her lies, allow her to continue to abuse you, and expect that suddenly she will change. You have to force the issue.

If what it takes to get through to her is a conversation, and she won't sit still for one, then write her a long letter. Get it all out in a factual sort of way. How her behaviour toward you is unnaceptable, how her lying upsets your life and is very disrespectful, and how her being unreliable and not doing what she says she's going to do (ie pick the kids up on time) just can't continue.

Then tell her what she can do. She can give you notice she needs a sitter, and if you are available, she can tell you from when to when, and keep her cell on at all times, or give you a phone number where she will be. You expect a little gratitude instead of scorn, and if her attitude doesn't change, you won't be babysitting until it does.

Tell her that you cannot change her perception of the past, and that at her age she can only work on her own life, and stop ripping your past apart. You are moving forward, not carrying any grudges, but letting go of the guilt she piles on you.

Put the ball in her court. But more importantly, live your life without walking on eggshells around her. No matter what you do, she will get her digs in, until you stop her effectively by communicating with her. You aren't doing her any favours by allowing her to use you. She needs to step up, eat a little humble pie, and show some respect.

She's using your desire to see the grand kids and your willingness to take them anytime as the stick to beat you with. You know what they say - you start by being the 'rescuer' in a situation, and you end up being the one needing rescue.

Your daughter knows that you're afraid she'll deny you access to the grand kids and she take full advantage of this knowing she can treat you badly, and you'll just come back for more. There are people who will take and take and suck you dry just because they can and they feel entitled to do so.

It is hard, but your unhappiness will only deepen if you continue to be a slave to her demands. It's time to start setting some boundaries and to start leading a life that does not only consist of your grandchildren. Take responsibility for yourself and your daughter will be forced to take responsibility for herself.

Your daughter needs you, so she won't be denying you access to them any time soon. So, start by not being as available. Tell her you're working late or going out for dinner with a friend (grand kids not welcome).

If she doesn't arrive at a stipulated time go out to see a movie, and if she complains just say - 'I thought you were not coming and you didn't contact me to tell me where you were'.

Next time she says - "I'll never ask you to watch them again", just say "Fine, that's your choice".

Trust me - she needs you more than you need her. But if you act like a slave, she'll continue to treat you like a slave.

Call her bluff. She'll huff and puff and you may not see the grand kids for a few weeks, but she'll be back. (On your terms).

You people have no idea how much I needed to hear this. (listen to me, I sound like I'm the only one that has lived this hurt.) Me and my husband, now of 9 years, had a very bad argument last night about all of this. It was so bad he asked if I wanted him to leave. He told me that I started this and that he knew by me confronting her with this that there would be trouble. I told him I did not want him to leave, all I wanted and needed was his support. I truly don't know what will happen. He knows the love I have for my children and grandchildren but he says this is coming between me and him because of the saddness and unhappiness he is seeing each day since this has happened. We went to my granddaughters ball game last night (she is 7) and playing Jr.Pro and her and my other grandkids were very distant with me. I, in the past, took her to school 2 or 3 days a week and since this has happened her mother/my daughter has not allowed me to take her. My granddaughter told me last night that she hasn't called me to take her because I was mean and mad at her mother. I just looked at her holding back the tears and told her everything will be OK. She just looked at me with maybe an 'I don't understand look'. It hurts so bad to see my children and grandchildren upset and too young to understand. Why do we put them through it? They are the innocent ones that really don't deserve to be put in the middle of adult mistakes--same goes for my divorce with the daughter I am having issues with, her dad knew where to hurt me the most, her. Amazing, huh? One disagreement just leads to another. I think my husband feels I should just be the 'big one', apologize and let things happen and to live with the belief vengeance is not our place. I, of course, do not know any of you but I am grateful, so grateful, I have someone to talk to. I lost both of my parents several years ago and I can't talk about this to my other kids, I don't want annimosity to build between my husband and children, you know?

It's sad that your grandchildren have been put in the middle. What needs to be said to them is this...

"No matter what issues your mother and I have, nothing will EVER change the fact that I love you."

That's all they need to know.

It's hard to agree fully with everyone. You defiantly do not deserve to be lied to or treated poorly. Know one ever does, and certainly you put time, effort, money, and you heart into your daughter and your grandkids. Would you have agreed to watch the children if she told you she wanted to go deer hunting, told you the truth? Maybe this is why she lied. I would suggest that maybe she should hire a babysitter when she wants free time to herself and let you spend quality time with you grandchildren on your own terms, not whenever she needs someone to "watch" them. This way you don't feel like you owe each other anything. I would like to point out that everyone should help her with the children, that is what family is for. Their isn't and expiration date on being a parent, even when your children have children of their own, but she shouldn't have taken advantage of it. The part about "braiding the hair" and school activities you may have missed doesn't sit well with me only because you may have not been informed of them (the activities), but that is your job as a mother to be involved, not hers to inform you. She was a child, you were the adult. I know I certainly don't know the whole story, but I do sympathize with a young girl who's parents divorced and then had a mother that divorced again, going to court... ect. It could not have been easy on a child. I'm 24 years old an I still am resentful of things my mother did or didn't do when I was a kid. I think the bottom line is that you love your daughter and you need to tell her that... you both can not change the past (your actions when she was a child, and her bad decisions that have hurt you as she was an adult). Have a long sit down and ask her tell you everything she has ever resented you for. Then if you really are sorry, tell her that. Continue to be a loving mother and grandmother and if she doesn't want to change then you can rest knowing you did everything you could and she is the one shutting someone who loves them out of her life.

Now what,
I appreciate your comments and I totally know that I am not perfect and never will be. I had my daughter until she was 13, it was then she left to live with her dad, who promised her her own room, decorated as she wanted, a phone of her own and a new car when she turned 16, I cannot and will not compete with that. If I have to buy my children then what does that say for the love they have for me. I was a single mother of 4 at the time, working full time, my 3 other ones were twins at age 5 and a 3 year old. As far as activities, I asked for schedules---never got them. I haven't asked what her what her dad told her our divorced reasons were and still to this day have not, but with time I was with her, she was very distant. Yet please read back to my original note, when she was 16 (and had her new car) she came to me saying she wanted to move back in with me that her dad was being mean to her. So I paid another $600 to the courts to hear them say "No, she isn't bouncing back and forth". Please don't get me wrong I can't imagine what kids go through with not having a mom and dad both living with you--my heart goes out to you. But saying that I also know how children can play both parents. In any case, she has others (husbands parents) that they have taken advantage of and had worse arguments than mine and they have decided to accept their actions and 'usings' because they too have been threatened they won't see the grandkids. So if I'm not there when they need me, they have other grandparents and great grandparents. Not to make excuses but again I had 3 small children at home to care for when my 13 year old chose to move in with her dad. I'm human and can only do so much. The whole story with my 2 divorces? My 13 yr.olds dad was... well let me say not nice to me at night. My second divorce... he had someone else pregnant when I was pregnant with my youngest. As I said, I'm not perfect and maybe my husbands lacked attention from me, but maybe I could have given them more if they could have helped me any. Im sorry if I sound negative, but the only thing my daughter is expecting from me is for me to act like nothing has happened as we have always done in the past. Plain and simple I'm sorry but Satan is taking over their lives and all I can say is God have mercy on all of us! I've prayed and still pray to show me a path.

I also have an ungrateful, selfish, entitled to everything daughter, my only child. It's such a long story but I have finally gotten the nerve to stop being a doormat to someone who treats me terribly, uses me to no end and no is using my two very young granddaughters as leverage. I have given and given until I'm given out. She shows me zero respect. At the risk of not seeing my precious granddaughters I have to stop. After reading all these posts last night and today I see clearly I am not the only one out there experiencing this. It's tragic. The new year is upon us and I am getting a life. Enough of the abuse from a spoiled daughter that was given everything on earth, including love and care every moment of her life. I lost my mother 2 years ago next month, I would have never treated my mother with this kind of contempt. I am ashamed of my daughters behavior, she is a user and truly cares nothing about anyone but herself. I was at her door with xmas gifts and she wouldn't open the door. Nice, huh? I'm so spent I feel exhausted by all of it. I will miss my precious granddaughters but I have to stop accepting my daughters cruel treatment. Good luck to anyone going through this type of abuse. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.