Hi all

Been quite a while since I've posted on here,things have been going well till recently anyway been single for about 3 years,had a very terrible breakup and stayed away from relationships for a while,about 2 weeks ago I started dating this girl,she's great and we have a lot in common.anyway a few months ago I decided that I'm ready to start dating again if I met the right girl,which took 3 months but I did,well now I feel I may be falling for her to fast and these feelings I used to suffer from in my past relationship are coming back,just when I thought I dealt with them,the thing is I used to be a bit needy and lacking in trust towards my then girlfriend.She kept pushing me away and because of that I kept wanting to be closer to her,she also used to party a lot and she was known to cheat a bit on bfs so in the end I was completely depressed.I wanted her to want me so badly but it never came,but it took effort but I broke from her spell.thats when I decided to stay far away from relationships for a while,trouble is I think I put my armour on and had it on too tight,now I feel that these feelings of needyness may be coming back, feelings of wanting to be with her 24/4 and feelings of possible distrust.I thought I had dealt with these feelings once I got over my ex but maybe she left alasting impression on me,I don't want to feel this way with my new girl who I know will never cheat or leave me for another guy.im in need of opinions.should I Talk to her about it,is she maybe the key to breaking this problem?Am I just always going to feel insurecure with relationsips or am I better off avoiding them all together?

Start slowly... if you have to do relationship boot camp with yourself... stay active in your own life.. dont depend on her to make you happy... dont send a lot of emails/texts/phone calls on a day or for that matter a week.. make a date plan and leave it at that... I guess its no harm to explain that you had a bad breakup in the past BUT DO NOT put any pressure on this girl to fix you...

Build up the friendship and work from there,anytime you feel yourself becoming needy back off.. if you know the signs act on them.

Trust in yourself first. Trust your instincts too, but think rational and don't feed your fears. Don't rush into anything and don't dwell on the past. Learn from it to form a better future for yourself.
Put yourself first, because how much you invest in yourself, at least that much you'll be able to give to someone. And you won't be afraid of how much will be taken back because you'll always have someone to give you all you need-yourself.

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Originally Posted by UnwantedHero

hi all

been quite a while since ive posted on here,things have been going well till recently anyway been single for bout 3 years,had a very terrible breakup and stayed away from relationships for a while,bout 2 weeks ago i started dating this girl,shes great and we have a lot in common.anyway a few months ago i decided that im ready to start dating again if i met the right girl,which took 3 months but i did,well now i feel i may be falling for her to fast and these feelings i used to suffer from in my past relationship are coming back,just when i thought i dealt with them,the thing is i used to be a bit needy and lacking in trust towards my then gf.She kept pushing me away and because of that i kept wanting to be closer to her,she also used to party a lot and she was known to cheat a bit on bfs so in the end i was completly depressed.I wanted her to want me so badly but it never came,but it took effort but i broke from her spell.thats when i decided to stay far away from relationships for a while,trouble is i think i put my armour on and had it on too tight,now i feel that these feelings of needyness may be comming back, feelings of wanting to be with her 24/4 and feelings of possible distrust.I thought I had dealt with these feelings once i got over my ex but maybe she left alasting impression on me,i dont wanna feel this way with my new girl who i know will never cheat or leave me for another guy.im in need of opinions.should i Talk to her about it,is she maybe the key to breaking this problem?Am i just always gunna feel insurecure with relationsips or am i better off avoiding them all together?

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is she maybe the key to breaking this problem?

No,she is not the key to your problems.Nobody but yourself can be the key to your own problems.

Do this : Tell yourself,with this new girl,you will be testing yourself and all your shortcomings.You will be rewarding yourself with dessert treats/whatever it is you really like to eat,each time you take it slow.Slow means really slow.As in,not calling or texting too much initially,just having fun,laughing a lot,watching movies,finding out about each other.And each time you feel like you'll die if you don't cling on to her or call her or text her,that's when the real acid test will be.

If you can overcome such phases by NOT GIVING IN,that's when you have passed the test ,which will make you prouder of yourself and that's when you can have the treat!

Gradually you will find you are becoming stronger in this and will have minimun lapses till one fine day you will realise,you have graduated with honors!

All the best.

Pay attention to yourself, as your feelings are warning you that your getting in too deep, too fast, and need to pay closer attention to other things in your life, that you enjoy, and make you happy.

You have come too far to go back to old behavior that does you no good, and repeating past mistakes is no way to be happy.

Work on yourself, so you can have fun getting to know the new girl without the baggage of the past getting in the way.

No, she is not the answer to your problems, you are. Its way to soon to make her the center of your life, so back up a bit, and don't get carried away by your own feelings.

Ahh thanks guys,today I had a talk with her,explaining my feelings and how my past relationships have been quite ugly,I told her I need time to adjust and that I'm nervous about entering a new relationship and she says she understands and will lay off and give me that time.I hope I've made an good decision with talking to her.Im also uncomfortable with knowing her past relationship/sexual exploits,is it normal to have these feelings?

Its very normal, but its what you do about those feelings that count. You have no control over what happened in her past, so don't let it worry you. Many of us trip over actions that our engaged in before we got with them. While it can't be ignored, it can be handled in a positive way. Or else, why even be with them if you can't accept them for who they are and what makes them what they are today?

Most times we have to separate the reality, from the fantasies we build around others.

The first step to fixing neediness is awareness, which you seem to have. That means you already have a good start. Then you have to realize that YOU have the choice to act on it or not. When you're feeling needy remind yourseld that desperation is a huge turn-off for your lady.

Being needy in a relationship isn't about wanting to talk to someone numerous times a day; it is about needing constant reassurance that your partner loves you or that you are attractive to her. Women really love to see self-confidence, so practice acting self-confident even if you aren't and you may see your own attitude change.

Be sure to have a life outside your relationship. Don't neglect your hobbies and things doing which made you happy throughout your life before you were in the relationship.

If all else fails, you may want to talk to a counselor.

I think I'm just starting to shake these feelings and perhaps trust her more,although I do believe I have a long road to go before I'm 100% comfortable in the relationship.I guess only time will tell.

That sounds good- take it nice and slow and you'll be fine.
Good luck.