My relationship with my daughter has completely broken down and I don't know how to mend it. Over the past 3 years everything with my daughter has been a battle. Getting her to do her homework, keep her room tidy or coming home on time has resulted in an argument. Nine times out of ten I have forgiven her for her attitude and the vicious things she has said and punishments haven't lasted very long. I know that I have been weak, but I hate to see her unhappy as I had a miserable childhood and I didn't want her to ever feel like I did. It has put a massive strain on my relationship with my husband and it seems that the only thing we have ever argued about is our daughter. She has had her freedom. Her first year at college she spent enjoying a full social life and as a result she failed her exams. However, we agreed that we would fund her through an extra year as long as she knuckled down and did some work. She has had her fair share of boyfriend and friend problems but she refuses to talk about it and more often than not we only get a grunt from her rather than a full conversation. Any topic that she doesn't like she just shouts and tells me to go away. A month ago I told her that I wanted her to come with us to visit some family. She lost her temper, swore at us and told us she wished we were dead and she stormed out of the house to her weekend job. That night when she came home, she refused to speak, packed all her stuff despite her dad trying to talk to her and left. We later found that she was staying at a work colleagues house. She refused to communicate with us and turned up a week later to say that she had found a flat and wanted the rest of her stuff. I later found out that she had not been going to college during that week. We spend along time talking with her and it was agreed that she would move out for a month to see how she got on, she could come home to see us whenever she wanted and we parted on fairly good terms. I was very concerned that whilst she was staying at the flat she was not going to college and she wasn't doing her homework, but I couldn't force her. 2 weeks later she came round for Sunday dinner and we spent a lovely evening together and she asked if she could move back in. We agreed, she stayed that night and used our car to go to college for the next 3 days. However for the whole of that week she continually lied to us and showed us total disrespect sometimes not coming home at all or not turning up for meals. By the end of the week it turned she was planning a party at the flat where she used to live and had lied about it to us all along. We therefore told her that maybe it was best if she didn't come back after all if she couldn't be truthful and that she would only be welcome if she came back on our terms in the future. On the Saturday she turned up at the house demanding the stuff that she had left here. When we wouldn't let her in she forced her way into the garage and got into an argument with her dad. He calmly asked her to leave and she became very abusive. Since then she has told us that we are dead to her, never to contact her again and that she will never come back here ever. I miss her so much, but both my Mum and my husband have told me the best thing I can do is cut all correspondence with her as she is trying to hurt me. She has quit college and is not bothering to apply for University. I am at my wits end. I know I have to be strong and cut correspondence with her, but I am terrified I will never see her again and that we can never rebuild our relationship.

It's called tough love. Maybe if you had tried tough love some time ago things would be different now - but you do have another chance at it.

Your daughter sounds lost but abusive to you.

I think you have to love her unconditionally (which you appear to do) but let her know the rules and stick to your guns.

I also always hope that eventually "kids" grow up, become responsible, see how important family is.

I wish you luck and hopefully someone with better answers will come along.

The things, that stood out in your post for me is how much you love your daughter,the flat idea did not work so well for she came back...

Maybe a little of what she wants is not a bad idea... let her pay her own way,in everything!

Letting her know you love her,and are willing to talk when she is ready... dont back her into a corner... she wants freedom,and to be treated like an adult,then do that..

The next time she wants to come home,tell her your making humble pie for dinner.. and she's getting the big plate!

Be firm..

A few months or weeks trying to make it without your support will bring home to her very fast how much you have both done for her,and she may see you both with different eyes.

Thank you both for your advice. I do love my daughter very much. I don't always like her, but I do love her. I miss her so much I feel like I am grieving and my husband really can't understand why I feel that way. He has made a decision not to communicate with her until she makes an effort to contact us, I find that very very hard, but I know I must be strong and patient. She knows that she can contact us if she wants to talk or needs help. Hopefully she will.

Forever is a long time... im going to go out on a limb here and say.. im sure she will..

My eldest daughter is 18,we have had many ups and downs,she even moved out for a while when she was 16,but we got through it... once your daughter matures a little or a lot,she will come around.

As for you.. maybe keeping a journal about what's happening,get photo album together,getting your hurt out and doing something will help.

Let your husband know how you feel,and that your hurt,and that you need him.

It's really hard when you have children that are abusive and go AWOL. She's asking to be treated like an adult, so this is what you must do (even though she's behaving like a deranged 5 year old!).

I can understand that you love her, but putting up with abuse and lies doesn't teach her anything about herself. Clearly she has a great deal of anger, and she's taking it out on you and your husband.

Let her make the choices she needs to - you may not agree with them, but you can't put an old head on young shoulders. Time to cut the apron strings and let her deal with the consequences of her actions.

Make it really clear that it's her behavior that's in question here not your love for her, and that abuse and lies are unacceptable. Would she treat her friends like this?

Perhaps you could write her a letter and let her know that you love her and that she's welcome back any time she chooses to behave like a reasonable human being.

It will take time, but I'm sure she will come crawling back.

We have always felt that she was very immature for her age,but because I have always done everything for her I suppose she has had no incentive to grow up or stand on her own two feet. She has lied for as long as I can remember - about anything that she thought we might not agree with. I have tried to explain to her that I would respect her more if she told the truth and that she would be in more trouble if she lied, but I didn't get through to her.


Thank you for your advice, it really makes me feel a lot better and knowing that other people have been through it too makes me realise I am not on my own. I really like the idea of a journal. I am struggling to deal with how I feel and find that I am thinking about my daughter all the time, but it is difficult to talk to my husband about it. Writing it all down may help me to release the emotions I am feeling and rather than contact my daughter which I know I mustn't do it will allow me to speak to her on the page.

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Originally Posted by alicemarys

We have always felt that she was very immature for her age,but because I have always done everything for her I suppose she has had no incentive to grow up or stand on her own two feet. She has lied for as long as I can remember - about anything that she thought we might not agree with. I have tried to explain to her that I would respect her more if she told the truth and that she would be in more trouble if she lied, but I didnt get through to her.


Thankyou for your advice, it really makes me feel alot better and knowing that other people have been through it too makes me realise I am not on my own. I really like the idea of a journal. I am struggling to deal with how I feel and find that I am thinking about my daughter all the time, but it is difficult to talk to my husband about it. Writing it all down may help me to release the emotions I am feeling and rather than contact my daughter which I know I mustnt do it will allow me to speak to her on the page.

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I'm glad that you've found some solace in the advice posters have given you.

I understand that you tried your best, and now because you did everything for her it's blown up in your face. However, out in the big, bad world other people may not be so tolerant of her lies... I do also think that you need to set strong boundaries about the behavior you will tolerate from now on.

There is heaps of stuff on the internet about 'tough love'. Read it and do some learning for yourself. In the meantime, enjoy the peace until the next drama unfolds.

I'm going through the same thing... my daughter has always struggled in school, but she graduated and wanted to go to college for her lifelong dream of working with horses. We signed her up for a school where she could live at home and be a large animal vet tech - life was good, she said she loved school... etc. and I was very hopeful for her. Right before Thanksgiving I found out that she was on academic warning at school although she said she was doing wonderfully. We had a blow out fight and it was bad, and I mean bad. She left home that night and hasn't been home since. She's lying to us and saying she's still going to school and she isn't. She's moved in with a high school friend and her mother and won't talk to us - neither will the mother she's staying with which is beyond me.

We've gotten together twice since she left and it went very well; however, afterwards she'll either go for over a week without talking to us or she tells us the most hurtful things. She's so delusional - she's completely rewritten her life - she wants us to keep paying for everything but at the same time all of a sudden hates us - apparently because we have expectations that she finish the semester. We're out $10k for the school she's dumped that was her apparent "dream" and I've lost a daughter - and I'm still not sure why.

She's told us that she's ready to be "done with us" and break off all contact. My husband would pay anything to keep her in touch but even that doesn't work. I haven't spoken to her since last Friday - she hasn't responded to my calls, e-mail's, texts or even when I went where she's living. She was home but wouldn't answer the door.

I'm struggling with when to break the ties because I know that's it - this family is completely supporting her and has no contact with us - I don't even know their phone #, e-mail... etc.

I'm not looking for an answer, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I cried so hard on the way home tonight I thought I'd swerve into oncoming traffic.

I'm so hurt and SO MAD that I'm beside myself. I alternate between some very strong feelings and I'm finding it hard to keep it together.

Countless parents can relate with this issue of power struggle with children. I do know that what goes around, comes around. At 16, I ran away due to varied reasons: failing marks in school, domestic problems, confusion, vices, uncertainties, etc. Now, my daughter who is 18, in university (don't know for sure if she's continuing attendance) recently left home. Her reason of leaving- so us parents need not wait for her call to let us know if she will not be home and doing fine. Am sure there's more than that and she'll air them out when she returns.
My world then is not the same us my daughter's. But what remains the same is the dishonesty to face the truth. I was embarrassed to tell my parents my grades are failing because I figure they have enough problems and to disappoint them by telling the truth may worsen everything. Finally, when they found me, we spoke and I laid down the true reasons of why I left. What I learned is being hideous made me choose a bad decision to ran away. I kept things to myself. If there was a blog like this one back then I would've probably picked-up pointers from other teenagers facing similar predicament.
As for my daughter, she has legal right to be on her own. She has the right not to say what's bothering her. We remind our kids - they are all equal in our eyes. If they fail, they must rise up either on their own and ask for help if they've exhausted every reasonable alternative. We think that our daughter believes living on her own will be easy. Her life exploration should be soon over. She'll be back. She will likely tell her story what made her leave then we'll ask her to explain why she chose to return. We will welcome her unconditionally if she stay or she can walk out again- it's her choice.
We'll suggest her to go for medical check-up.